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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

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Original poster

Would breast feeding have guarranteed a cuddly baby and toddler?-(feeling sad)

70 replies

YoniCollette · 03/07/2013 19:47

I've posted on here before about how I feel at failing to breast feed now 14m old ds. Sad, regretful, tearful and most if all I feel cheated. Anyway most if the time I'm ok. I try and avoid BF topics as it sets me off crying again.

Ds is happy, thriving and healthy. He is not however remotely cuddly. Before he was born I had planned to feed for about 2 years. I imagined having lovely snuggly cuddly feeds, even at the age he is now. He isn't at all interested in sitting on my knee and cuddling or reading books. The most he can manage is about 10 seconds even when he's tired. He would much rather be off exploring.

Anyway I met up with a friend today for the first time in ages. I guess I am jealous as she had a lovely perfect birth experience and is still happily feeding her 14 m old ds. He is quiet and sat on her knee having a long feed while my ds wriggled and squirmed and kicked. She commented that it was probably because he was bottle fed which really upset me all over again. I desperately feel I'm missing out on that closeness.

So I guess my question is are all breast fed toddlers like hers? I suppose I'm hoping one if you will come along and tell me your BF toddler is like mine!

OP posts:

ShoeWhore · 03/07/2013 22:43

I think your friend's comments were not only thoughtless but factually very inaccurate OP.

I've got 3 dc who were all bf (dc1 and 3 for longer than dc2) Dc1 and 2 were very cuddly but dc3 (who in fact was bf the longest) just isn't - he likes to be on the go all the time. Sitting still is a waste of time to him.

It's all about underlying personality, nothing to do with feeding method, I promise you.

You sound like you tried hard to bf but for whatever reason it didn't work for you both. That is OK you know. Can you give yourself permission to move on from that? I certainly remember feeling very close to my babies when giving them a bottle - I loved the eye contact, which you don't get with bfing.

ab00 · 03/07/2013 22:49

I combined fed Ds1 until 6 months, not through choice but medical necessity after he was birn. I have always felt upset about the whole situation & guilty too. I had a friends who was also missing a sensitivity chip & when I was battling with combined feeding, cracked, bleeding, blistered nipples & a shocking case of mastitis smugly told me she'd had no problems, not so much as a cracked nipple. I had to stop myself offering her a split lip!
Our babies & feeding them is such an emotive subject people really need to stop & think before opening there mouths. Comments like that really are bloody awful when you're already upset about something.
Having said that how you feed your baby makes no difference to their personality. Ds1 would sometimes happily sit for ages bf or bottle feeding or faff like mad depending on his mood. He is fiercely independent, always has been & at the moment things like cuddles, reading books or doing puzzles, which id love to do with him, are very much on his terms when he's in the mood. I just keep making them available for when he wants them.
You should be proud that you have raised an energetic, beautiful little social butterfly who is excited to explore the world & Thanks to your love & care has the confidence to do so safe in the knowledge that his mummy will be right there waiting for him when he needs her. Please dont let anyone or anything take that away from you.

oohdaddypig · 03/07/2013 22:54

Sorry you feel sad.

If it helps I b/f both my kids and my eldest is just like yours. I firmly believe it has everything to do with personality and not feeding. My second is very cuddly.

You should be proud you have raised such an independent happy baby who is content enough to explore!

Even now I have to fight my eldest to give me cuddles but there is no less of a bond between us - she is just more independent!

MoreSnowPlease · 03/07/2013 23:43

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request

ceeveebee · 04/07/2013 00:21

I bf my twins until 10 months old, now at 19 m

ceeveebee · 04/07/2013 00:23

Now at 19mo my DS is very cuddly whereas DD will not sit still for more than 10 seconds at a time and wriggles away if I go anywhere near her!

CuriosityCola · 04/07/2013 03:27

I stopped breastfeeding at a year mainly due to ds not being able to sit still. He would climb all over me and go on and off the boob. He was always torn between wanting the milk, but not wanting to miss anything going on around him. The only time dh and I get nice cuddles is when he is ready for bed (and watching tv). I agree it's all to do with personality and nothing to do with ff vs bf. Your friend was being really insensitive.

Original poster

YoniCollette · 04/07/2013 06:33

To those that asked yes I did try and feed. After a pretty rotten pregnancy he was born at 35 weeks and whisked to scbu. I first saw him after about 3 hour when he was on a drip and antibiotics and under lights for jaundice. They asked my peission to give him formula when I was still in labour ward as his blood sugars were low. I said yes as I thought that was best for him. Maybe I shouldn't have?

Anyway he was there for 3 weeks and tube fed as he refused to suck at all. The problem is I wasn't allowed to just cuddle him and hold him and try to feed him for more than 5 minutes at a time every 3 hours due to the jaundice. Then they discovered he had a tongue tie.

Anyway he was discharged with some bf but mainly bottle fed expressed milk. Anyway the bottles became more and that's where I went wrong. Looking back I should have asked for support and I wish I had done it differently but I can't turn the clock back.

I w

OP posts:

Original poster

YoniCollette · 04/07/2013 06:35

I wonder though whether he would have been the baby mentioned above that I stopped feeding due to his inability to sit? This morning he has managed 2 oz of bottle before trying to destroy the house!

OP posts:

Original poster

YoniCollette · 04/07/2013 06:39

He's just climbing in the dishwasher.... And the toilet is a great toy if I turn my head for a second. I suppose I thought BF would have been enjoyable enough to keep his still and be used as a comfort. He doesn't seem to need comfort though. Not interested in a dummy for example.

Could it be related to scbu? I dont want to feel guilty about that as well. Though I'm sure you are right it's personality.

OP posts:

imademarion · 04/07/2013 06:54

This makes me cross on your behalf and your friend sounds thoughtless at best and a spiteful piece of work at worst.

I bf one DC who is loving but not remotely tactile unless ill or tired.

The other was on a drip in hospital then ff through complications and still hangs round my neck at almost 6 ft!

You did nothing wrong, and IME it is smug and narrow women who will make you feel terrible about this.

Have you spoken to your GP? You sound really down and a short course of talking therapy, particularly exploring attachment issues, might help you.

In the meantime , I agree with the wise PP who pointed out that you have raised a confident child, happy to explore the world and one day, probably first day of school, where all the clingy children are sobbing like mad, your lo will stride off happily and excitedly on his big adventure.

Please don't beat yourself up. And try to find some friends who also ff. You are doing brilliantly!

Somanychanges · 04/07/2013 07:14

Well I have 2 dc, the first DD I bf until 13 months. My second DS I had to stop bf at 7 weeks. I often feel guilty for this too.

But as for the cuddling thing, my DD who was bf until 13 months is the least cuddly child ever. My son however who wasn't is the most cuddly boy ever. I really don't think that has anything to do with bf it's just their character.

Sorry you are still feeling so bad about it, I can empathise. Just enjoy your son for the lovely explorer he is. And enjoy those 10 second hugs

CreatureRetorts · 04/07/2013 07:55

It's just him and he's 14 months old. The toilet world is his oyster!

Zoomania · 04/07/2013 13:47

Toilets, dishwasher.... Yup sounds pretty normal to me.....

CuriosityCola · 04/07/2013 14:59

Yoni my friends baby was in scbu for a couple of weeks. He is the most laid back boy you will ever meet. Only just thinking about sitting up at 8 months. I actually didn't know what to do with him when I held him. He sat happily in my arms looking around for about 30 mins while we chatted. With my ds I would have had to find floor space to put him down after 2 mins at that age. It is just personality!

As a side note, my friend thinks he is wild as he has rolled earlier than her first. I'm not jealous, no not I! If she could explain how to get a chilled out child, she would be richer than any baby guru

CaptainUndercrackers · 04/07/2013 15:12

Yep, it's personality all the way as far as I can see. DS1 was EBF for nearly 7 months, and almost from birth would feed for 10mins at a time maximum. No interest in snuggly sleepy comfort feeding at all. And now at 23 months he wants a cuddle if he's tired or has fallen over. Otherwise, no chance. DS2 (15 weeks old) is mix fed, and lives for snuggles. Breast or bottle, he cuddles in, hand on boob or hand round my fingers, and blissed out expression on his face. DS1 was not like that even as a newborn.

katiecubs · 04/07/2013 17:55

Nothing to do with it. Take comfort that your toddler is just way too busy learning and exploring the world!

For every mum wishing her toddler would sit still and be more cuddley there is one wishing theirs would be more independent and less clingy!

hotbot · 04/07/2013 18:55

Nah, bf both of mine and both are feral.
Bf does not a mother make.
Love, does, embrace your independent little one, they are a lot of fun when they get older.
Xx

MadMonkeys · 05/07/2013 08:43

Op, I felt like that about dd1. I struggled to bf from the very start and switched to formula after a few weeks. Nobody seemed to understand how emotionally painful it was. Ff friends didn't understand why I wanted to bf and bf friends just (inadvertantly) made me feel inadequate. I still cried about it 2 years after. Dd1 wasn't a cuddly type withe. But she is now - she's 3.5 and is very cuddly. I'm bf dd2 now and it is lovely but not all feeds are snuggly experiences. She is 9mo and she wriggles and squirms, practises crawling while feeding and has the occasional bite on my nipples!

I think a lot of mums feel like you but maybe don't like to admit it or are afraid to talk about it for fear of dissolving into tears - I certainly fall into the latter category. I only really talked about it to my sister when she had to stop bf for medical reasons and was struggling with similar feelings.

Anyway, to address the original question, I don't think how you feed your baby affects their cuddliness. And non cuddly babies can turn into very cuddly toddlers. Most of our generation were bottle fed and we weren't all not cuddly. X

Noggie · 07/07/2013 09:22

I read your post and felt so sad for you. it is so easy as a mummy to criticise and not see all the good things you do every day.
reading your post made me think you might have overly positive ideas about breast feeding - it is not all cuddles and comfort
Really don't think or see any evidence that bf makes babies cuddly

you can only do your best and it sounds like you have a fab wee boy who is growing and developing really well- he doesn't care that he wasn't breast fed.
Really hope you feel better soon- my health visitor said to always remember that being a parent is a marathon rather than a sprint so not to worry if you feel like you didn't manage something it how you do long term that is more important.

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