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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

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Original poster

Would breast feeding have guarranteed a cuddly baby and toddler?-(feeling sad)

70 replies

YoniCollette · 03/07/2013 19:47

I've posted on here before about how I feel at failing to breast feed now 14m old ds. Sad, regretful, tearful and most if all I feel cheated. Anyway most if the time I'm ok. I try and avoid BF topics as it sets me off crying again.

Ds is happy, thriving and healthy. He is not however remotely cuddly. Before he was born I had planned to feed for about 2 years. I imagined having lovely snuggly cuddly feeds, even at the age he is now. He isn't at all interested in sitting on my knee and cuddling or reading books. The most he can manage is about 10 seconds even when he's tired. He would much rather be off exploring.

Anyway I met up with a friend today for the first time in ages. I guess I am jealous as she had a lovely perfect birth experience and is still happily feeding her 14 m old ds. He is quiet and sat on her knee having a long feed while my ds wriggled and squirmed and kicked. She commented that it was probably because he was bottle fed which really upset me all over again. I desperately feel I'm missing out on that closeness.

So I guess my question is are all breast fed toddlers like hers? I suppose I'm hoping one if you will come along and tell me your BF toddler is like mine!

OP posts:

maja00 · 03/07/2013 19:48

Breastfeeding is good for getting them to sit fairly still/quietly for the duration of the feed, but I find a biscuit or some raisins does that job now. I don't think breastfeeding makes a child cuddly though - some are and some aren't.

squidkid · 03/07/2013 19:50

My baby is only little still, but I know cuddly and un-cuddly bf babies, and cuddly and un-cuddly ff babies.

I'm so sorry things didn't work out the way you wanted with the feeding. I don't think your friend's comment was very helpful really.

PMTIsMe · 03/07/2013 19:52

God no, nothing to do with BF-ing. Both DCs BF, one cuddly, one not..tis just the way they are. Is your friend normally tactless?

Lifeisontheup · 03/07/2013 19:53

I breastfed all of mine to toddlerdom and none of them were happy to sit on my lap for any length of time at that age unless they were ill. Long feeds didn't happen either. I regarded that as a positive point, it would have been a struggle having a new baby with a toddler who wanted to sit on my lap all the time.
You've raised a confident, secure child who is happy to go off and explore knowing you will be there for them when they need it.

DeputyDeputyChiefOfStaff · 03/07/2013 19:54

I've breastfed two toddlers, one very cuddly and the other very not cuddly. They were that way virtually from birth and think it's down to personality rather than feeding methods. If it helps, my uncuddly one became more cuddly as she got older. Still Little Miss Independent, but far more amenable to cuddles.

It sounds as if you're feeling very down about not breastfeeding, and maybe it would help for you to talk to someone? A bf counsellor on any of the helplines would be happy to talk to you if you'd like.

HumphreyCobbler · 03/07/2013 19:54

Gosh, what a stupid thing for your insensitive friend to say.

Your DS may well become much more cuddly later, that is what happened to mine.

Floralnomad · 03/07/2013 19:55

It has nothing to do with it at all , I couldn't breast feed either of mine and they are still cuddly at 20 years and 14 years old !

mrsravelstein · 03/07/2013 19:56

my cuddliest child was BF for only a couple of months. he's like his very cuddly dad. my other 2dc were both BF for 14 months each, and neither are remotely cuddly, like me.

TattyCatty · 03/07/2013 19:56

I have a very cuddly FF child, so that screws your friend's theory up somewhat. I think you should be proud of having a lively, active and inquisitive child. :-) The cuddles will be there - he's just having too much fun exploring the world for now!

Hullygully · 03/07/2013 19:56

nothing to do with it

LaTrucha · 03/07/2013 19:58

I don't think it has anything to do with it either. It may be his personality, or perhaps his age. My Ds didn't really get cuddly until he was twoish.

ArabellaBeaumaris · 03/07/2013 19:59

your friend sounds like a tit!

I have 2, IME they only start being cuddly around 18m anyway.

Pozzled · 03/07/2013 19:59

No. I fed DD1 until 13 months, and she wasn't in the slightest bit cuddly. In fact it was how we could tell if she was really poorly- that was the only time she'd come for a cuddle.

Just the luck of the draw.

MrsHoarder · 03/07/2013 19:59

DS is bf at 14 months and if he's awake and buzzing he won't sit on my knee. I do get a bf cuddle at the start/end of the day or if he's in the mood for more milk, but most of the time he's wriggling off to go and do things.

showtunesgirl · 03/07/2013 20:00

OP, your friend was being a shit.

I have a 19month old DD and we are still BF but we have never had cuddly feeds ever. She is one of the babies who sees BM as being solely for nutrience and once she's done, which is in about five mins, she is off again.

DD is just not the cuddly type. She may very, very rarely rest her head on me but that's about it.

Just count yourself lucky that you have an independent little one.

theynevershutup · 03/07/2013 20:01

I didn't breast feed either of my DC. DS wasn't remotely cuddly and wouldn't ever sit on my lap, I used to wish he was more cuddly. Then had DD, literally stuck to me constantly till she was 3 and the complete opposite, couldn't get her off my lap and wouldn't go to anyone else ever. Now at 8 and 5 they are both very loving and like their cuddles so think it is just different personalities and as a baby DS was far too interested in everything to want to sit on my lap.

I too struggled with guilt over not breast feeding, but the older they get the less significant it feels. They are both very healthy, bright, lovely children and that's all that matters.

MrsHelsBels74 · 03/07/2013 20:03

What a ridiculous thing for your friend to say. I FF both of my boys, the 9mo can't sit still if his life depended on it as he's too busy exploring the world but my 3yo (who was the same at that age) loves a cuddle.

Some babies are cuddly, some aren't, feeding method has nothing to do with it.

I sometimes feel bitter/resentful/upset that BF didn't work for me, but honestly it's a minor part of bringing up children (in the grand scheme of things over a lifetime), don't let it affect everything else.

TheOldestCat · 03/07/2013 20:03

Your friend was being nothing of the sort. What a horrible thing to say - and stupid too. How on earth would it make a difference? You feed your child snuggling them up to you, whether they are fed from the breast or bottle.

And for what it is worth, I breastfed both of mine into toddlerhood - DD isn't cuddly, DS is. What does your friend make of that?

ChunkyPickle · 03/07/2013 20:04

Oh No! DS BF until he was 2.5, but aside from the feeding he was completely uninterested in cuddling, kissing, or any other affection until pretty recently (he got sick, and that seems to have triggered a need for mummy cuddles), it's only the past couple of months that he'll sit still for a book too (although only if DP reads it - he clambers everywhere if I do)

In fact, he would use me as a chair, but literally, just as a chair - he'd sit, facing away from me on my lap so he could do other things, but I was to keep quiet and my hands off!

IdaClair · 03/07/2013 20:06

I had a cuddly FF baby. Now I have a nightmare of a scratching, biting, nipping, hair pulling, let me get down Mummy BF baby.

It's not the type of milk you give the baby that determines their personality.

peachypips · 03/07/2013 20:07

She's talking shite. Ignore her. Both mine are cuddly- one was breastfed the other totally ff as I was taking too many drugs to feed.
I wonder if you need to make the decision to let how you feel about bfing go. I know it is so sad and I still feel sad about DS2, but it is not really helping you or productive to keep feeling bad. You could give yourself an evening more of thinking about it, feeling bad and grieving, then decide to move on.
Then, whenever you feel really down say to yourself 'no, I've moved on and dealt with that. My baby is healthy, independent and happy and I will not make myself feel guilty and sad anymore'.
What do you think?

SoulTrain · 03/07/2013 20:14

Hello OP, I'm you but in 10 months time (hopefully) .

I felt all the things you describe. DS was the least cuddly baby ever, and I attributed this solely to "failing" to BF him. He's now 2 and is actually really cuddly, something just changed I guess.

My sister BF for a year and her DD hates a cuddle.

Don't beat yourself up for things you can't change, it literally means nothing to anyone else (including your son) and will only get in the way of enjoying him now. I say that as someone who felt exactly like you. One day, I was telling me friend all about the guilt I felt for not BF and age just looked at DS and said "Soul, who cares? Look at him - he's perfect! Serious organ failure, incurable disease, life debilitating illnesses we can feel devastated about but formula feeding really isn't the cause for this much upset. Let it go." She said this to be nice btw....

TheWoollybacksWife · 03/07/2013 20:15

My DS is now 6. I BF him for just under a year. I have just put him to bed and have had to chase him up the stairs and twice round his bedroom before he would give me a goodnight kiss

He sits on my knee for cuddles when he is poorly. He writes lovely messages about how much he loves me so I know the bond is there - he just isn't very cuddly.

Original poster

YoniCollette · 03/07/2013 20:23

Gosh I'm sitting here actually blubbing like a baby. Thanks for all your replies.

To be fair to my friend I don't think she has any idea what a sensitive and touchy subject it is for me. I have never really admitted how I feel in RL to anyone.

I did look into relactation some time ago. I realised though that although I had the motivation I was never going to persuade ds to BF now. It was the actualfeeding experience I wanted not just expressing.

I do need to move on I know. I suspect maybe when I get past the age I had planned to feed to that may help as I feel I should still be doing it now. He's been ill with the usual coughs and colds a lot and he's been so hard to settle. I imagine if BF I would have had a way if comforting him. Also at night he still wakes for the odd bottle and I'm well aware that BF would be easier than going downstairs to heat a bottle.

But most if all I would have liked to experience lovely evening feeds and cuddles. I can't help feeling like I've missed something very special. I do feel heartened to know though that he may not have sat for long feeds even if BF!

OP posts:

Mckayz · 03/07/2013 20:26

I have 3 DC. The boys were FF and much more cuddly than my 1 year old DD who is BF. She doesn't do cuddles, she does feeding and then going off to do something else.

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