Shattered and stopping BF today.

[mcsquared]

I think I need some hand holding as feel awful. :-(

My son is 9 weeks, feeds well, gaining weight and generally happy apart from some mild reflux/wind.

But I'm just broken when he cluster feeds. I don't have time in my day to eat or get a drink and barely leave the bedroom. I'm constantly hungry and get headaches, feel light headed so even if I find time I lack the energy to eat. I feel guilty leaving him crying as he wants to feed constantly. This morning I stumbled and fell while carrying DS because I was so tired and decided that this is it and have asked my husband to pick up some formula on his way home from work.

I'm also fed up of just feeling like a cow. I feel like he only wants me for feeding and he never smiles or even makes eye contact with me. I'm fed up of my boobs being on display to members of DH's family who waltz in as they please. I'm fed up of not being a functional person because I'm so tired.

I'm such a shit mother right now because I feel so miserable all the time. Formula will help me get my energy back and will probably be more nutritious than my milk made ofa slice of toast. But I still feel awful about giving up BF.

Hi mcsquared

Do what makes you feel better - you have options and shouldn't feel awful for exercising choice.

However, I wonder if there is more to this needing picked apart.

You mention DH's family waltzing in. How would you feel BF if you lived alone? Is privacy the issue?

You are exhausted because of cluster feeding. Have you been expressing? Could you introduce a bottle of expressed milk to give you a break?

Would DH or a family member be able to ensure there is always something nutritious in tr fridge for you? Being tired and hungry is never going to make you feel good.

Maybe just an evening off would give you the break you need.

Whatever you decide know that you are not a shit mother

Thank you for being so kind, can't seem to stop crying!

Privacy has been a major issue since my labour but it's just a contributing factor I think. His family go through phases of knocking and then seem to forget. After a couple of occasions yesterday when his brother came in twice without knocking, I now feel I have to cover up at home. It's stressful enough getting DS to latch on when frantic without having to worry about being covered.

I usually hand DS to DH when he gets home but that leaves him with little time for me and I just spend the time crying in bed. His mum does cook dinner and I know I should be grateful but it's rarely appetising or enough to sustain me longer than 5 minutes. I have a high metabolism and used to constantly eat anyway but breastfeeding is a whole other level. DH has bought me snacks which is nice but again not enough to sustain a tummy wanting something filling. If we lived alone I'd batch cook and freeze at weekends but we don't have the freezer space plus it's a nightmare cooking in a kitchen that isn't your own where things always end up in different cupboards!

I guess the other thing is not having the space to feel rubbish. I feel like I can never be upset or in a bad mood living with in laws. I was going to go for a walk but his entire family is downstairs and I can't face them like this.

Mcsquared it doesn't sound that this is a feeding issue at all.
You sound down, is this something you could tal to your HIV or gp about?

Totally agree with Pass, also your milk will be more nutritious than the formula as what you eat and drink will have very little effect on your BM.

How long is he feeding for? Is the cluster feeding continuous or just at certain times of the day? Has he been checked for tongue tie? Has your latch been checked, have you tried offering ebm or doing breast compressions. Are you happy to move over to formula before checking out these options and things like your privacy and meals? Have you spoken to a BFC?

Would he settle for you in a sling while you prepared yourself some food or could DH leave you some lunch and snacks and a drink?

If you do move over to formula, you can still feel very proud of 9 weeks ebf

Mcsquared you at not a shit mum at all, I have felt so many of the things you have said in your post whilst breastfeeding my DD who is now 12 weeks. first of all, whatever you decide to do, it will not make you a bad mum and you have to do what is best for you and your son to be happy.

I have felt exactly like you when it comes to the cluster feeding, it's shattering isn't it. At times I haven't been able to go and get a drink or something to eat, it leaves you exhausted and it made me really crabby and emotional too, especially added to the hormones! I now try to make sure I always have drinks and snacks near me, even if it's just crisps and chocolate, junk I know but it keeps me going. I keep the remote near me and the iPad near for when DD feeds lots.

I felt exactly the same, that DD only wants me for milk and smiled far more for others. I honestly think I was getting myself really worked up about it because of how tired I was. One thing I try to do to feel closer to DD is some nice skin to skin contact, it really is good for us both. I've often done that if she's been fussy with feeding that day and it really soothes her and makes feeding more relaxed.

your husband really should speak to his family about giving you some privacy when feeding, if you're not comfortable with them being there they should give you some space. I would suggest using muslins or a scarf to cover up but honestly don't think you should have to and your DH should sort his family out.

if it helps at all, in the past 2 weeks I have found things have been getting easier and I am getting to the point now where breastfeeding is enjoyable, but it has only just started feeling this way! You're not alone, and whatever you decide, you are not a bad mum. Just remember, you have done so so well to bf for 9 weeks.

Wishing you lots of luck with whatever you decide xxx

Could you perhaps think about using a sling? That was your DS can feed and you can walk around, get stuff done, have food, have a drink? Plus you won't have to have your breasts out.

The cluster feeding will pass! By around 16 weeks, my DD had become very efficient at feeding and could go far longer without needing me. How about a dummy if you're desperate for a break?

What a load! At 9 weeks, it's not surprising you're exausted, with all that going on around you.

I think it's time for you to lose it with you family members who don't knock. But obviously you have a better sense of if that will be helpful or not. Would a sign on your door help? A reminder that this is Mum and baby space? You really shouldn't feel like you have to cover up in your own home.

Must be very hard not having your own space, and own kitchen. Do what you can to get hold of the food you like, even if you switch to formula feed, you need to eat to manage.

Cluster feeding is normal, and shouldn't last forever. There's various pages you can read about it on Kellymom if you want reassurance about that: eg kellymom.com/bf/normal/frequent-nursing/

You can mix feed if you don't want to give up BF totally. Or you can express some milk so DH can take over a couple of feeds and give you a chance to get some real rest.

Every new Mum I know spent quite a lot of the early weeks in tears. Don't think you're any worse than every new mum!

And most formula fed babies thrive, just like most BF babies. So if that's what you and your D need, that's what's best!

Didn't see your second post. Agree that this sounds more like you are feeling down which is totally understandable. Have a look on the website of the association of postnatal illness, I'm not saying you have it, just that there is some good information on there and a helpline. I'd also speak to your HV as Norem says. You do sound like you need some help if you are crying in bed every day and formula isn't a magic formula, it may not make those s feelings go away.

When I was bfing DS I ate ridiculous amounts, could you ask DH to bring sone things home or suggest going out for a meal? Babies are pretty portable at that age

Oh wow you're all so kind! I didn't expect so many words of support.

I do have a sling, a caboo close, but it puts a lot of strain on my back and can't seem to master breastfeeding in it. It does help me to get some laundry done or dishes washed occasionally though.

Jilted, I'm glad to hear what I eat hasn't affected the BM. I've felt so guilty that my milk isn't good enough somehow! He's asleep now but has been feeding hourly since around 10/11 last night. When he's not cluster feeding it's every 2-3hrs and I can cope with that but the growth spurts kill me and he seems to have one every week!

Ariel, I feel so much like you describe! That ds smiles for others more than me, will only cuddle me when asleep or feeding otherwise wants to escape! I just don't feel like we've bonded and would love to spend my days doing skin to skin but privacy issues make it difficult. I think DH has talked about knocking because I remember his mum knocking more initially when i got angry but not sure about his brother. His dad never enters without knocking.

I wonder if mixed feeding might be an option. Which feeds might be best to give as formula?

Jilted, I have wondered about pnd especially as I spent most of my pregnancy in tears as well. I have had some lovely days with DS and I love getting out and about with him. But the darker days seem to outweigh that. DH does often bring things home for dinner but just never seems to be enough! I guess I also worry about eating too many ready meals! He'll bring ingredients if I ask him with intentions of cooking but then I lack the energy to by the time he's home!

If you want to do some skin to skin try the bath or could you go into your bedroom and put something behind the door? Would DH fit a lock for you?

How about trying a bottle of expressed BM? Have you tried expressing?

If you are giving up bfing or thinking of mix feeding I'd give a BFC a call. Berry the National Bfing Helpline. The last thing you need on top of everything else is to end up with mastitis.

Have you got a good HV? What about a breastfeeding support group locally, for some support with the feeding but also just to get out for a bit? And how about baby massage for bonding? I've started doing that with DD and it's really nice.

I didn't think breastfeeding would be easy or anything but I didn't realise it would take so long to feel properly in the swing of things with it. I've been a crying mess when DD has growth spurts, it is draining! From what you say, the privacy is a big part of the problem so get DH to sort out his family, if it enables you to do skin to skin with DS and feed more comfortably that will surely help.

Keep lots of snacks, biscuits, dried fruit and nuts, chocolate etc, and bottled drinks right next to you in your room for energy when your DS cluster feeds. Lol I've stopped worrying about how much cake and chocolate I eat now, hey if it keeps me going it can only be good.

DH suggested expressing but again it's the lack of freezer space to keep it. I always feel like his mum is a bit put out making room for me and my belongings as it is!

It will keep in the fridge for a few days and won't take up that much space, especially if you store it in bm storage bags rather than bottles. If its something you feel would help its worth looking into.

Oh ariel, although I wouldn't wish this on anyone it's comforting to see you went through the same thing! You're all right. There are other ways and things to consider. The dark cloud is making me look at the easiest option. I have a lovely HV, maybe I'll speak to her before doing anything drastic.

Really don't worry too much about eating a bit of junk or ready meals at this point. You need to eat, and if the choices are not eating enough, or grabbing a ready meal, do it!

Obviously don't make this a long term strategy, but if as you posted above, you generally need to eat quite often, ready meals every now and again for a month or two will not be a huge problem!

Really, really don't worry about what you eat, have a look here.

As for the feeding itself, does any of this sound like what you are experiencing?

Definitely speak to health visitor, and I think you'd be best not making any drastic decisions today. If you decide not to continue breastfeeding theres nothing wrong with that at all, in no way whatsoever will you be a bad mum. I just know how I felt exactly like you at times, telling DH to go and get formula, being a total mess. I really wanted to breastfeed though, and I don't know how but I just carried on with it. helps that I'm stupidly stubborn

There is tons of support out there. and really, there is nothing wrong with ready meals right now, trust me, I live off them! its not forever, just whilst the feeding is so intense.

Congrats on you LO mcsquared :)

Sounds like you have a whole lot of extra things to deal with as well as getting to know your new baby which is putting extra strain on you.

Lots of good advice already. Please remember they don't smile huge amounts at this age, although it increases every day from now on just when you think you can't take any more :).

He doesn't just want you for feeding, he likes being snugged up to you so much he doesn't like being anywhere else (which is totally knackering but nice if you think of it a differently).

I don't know the relationship with your ILs but your DH can be assertive on your part without causing a family fallout, "would everyone mine knocking as mcsquared might be feeding and LO gets distracted" "would mum mind holding LO for 5 mins whilst mum has a shower" etc. Try and use them if you can!

Best of luck to you - will get easier :)

He does have a lot of those issues but was checked for tongue tie in hospital and they said he's fine. He does feed well some days and sticks his tongue out loads.

Thank you ariel :-)

Lois I think the more interactive he becomes, the better I feel as I start seeing him as a person rather than a leech!

I love DH's dad. He works from home twice a week and always sorts lunch for me which is amazing! I also feel confident enough to leave DS with him so I can get a cuppa or something. Not so much trust with his mum. I think it's because I see how she treats her own children (very shouty). She's also not very good at offering practical help, only really interested in DS if he's awake and playing, which is rare and time I want to enjoy not palm him off!

Tongue tie can be so easy to miss. Have you got a bfing support group near to you where you could get it checked again? Really think you would benefit from talking to one of the bfing helplines too, have you got the numbers!

Just wanted to say to that from your posts being in the kitchen and having some space in there seems like a bit of an issue. If you do use formula for sone or all feeds have you read the latest guidelines and will you have somewhere to sterilise bottles and access to sufficiently hot water when you need it?

I was going to go to a breastfeeding café group next week so could ask a counsellor there? I did think about having space for a steriliser. Given that all my baking supplies currently live in the garage I'm not sure there will be!

I have the numbers for helpline in an nct pack somewhere I think!