Shattered and stopping BF today.

[mcsquared]

I think I need some hand holding as feel awful. :-(

My son is 9 weeks, feeds well, gaining weight and generally happy apart from some mild reflux/wind.

But I'm just broken when he cluster feeds. I don't have time in my day to eat or get a drink and barely leave the bedroom. I'm constantly hungry and get headaches, feel light headed so even if I find time I lack the energy to eat. I feel guilty leaving him crying as he wants to feed constantly. This morning I stumbled and fell while carrying DS because I was so tired and decided that this is it and have asked my husband to pick up some formula on his way home from work.

I'm also fed up of just feeling like a cow. I feel like he only wants me for feeding and he never smiles or even makes eye contact with me. I'm fed up of my boobs being on display to members of DH's family who waltz in as they please. I'm fed up of not being a functional person because I'm so tired.

I'm such a shit mother right now because I feel so miserable all the time. Formula will help me get my energy back and will probably be more nutritious than my milk made ofa slice of toast. But I still feel awful about giving up BF.

Don't BFing is easier than FFing Honestly.
Dont be afraid to let your DC cry while you eat or have a shower, etc.

If DHs family are in and out constantly hand them the screaming baby and make them be useful.

Hand them the baby and go out for an hour if you need to.

DD2 BF continuously and didn't put on weight. I'm certain now that, my milk would have been more more nutritious if I'd just let her dad drive her round the block and I'd not fed as much.

If your DS is putting on weight he'll be fine waiting a bit for a feed.

As for privercy either you or DH is just going to have to tell DMIL to piss off and give you some.

Thank you everyone. I'm amazed at the support I keep getting here. I'm feeling a bit more positive and will speak to my HV before anything drastic.

Well BIL just barged in again. If he'd been a minute earlier he would have got an eyeful of granny pants as I changed out if my vomit soaked trousers. Oh well he'll be back to uni this weekend thankfully.

The funny thing is if DH is home he knocks and asks if he can use the showet. When just me for some reason he doesn't.

Startail, I leave it to DH re; privacy and I definitely think he mentioned somwthing to his mum as she suddenly went from barging in to knocking. I dont

Don't feel I can say anything to his brother given that I'm outsider who's invaded his home.

I think you are very wise. I wish I had had the insight to do the same, instead I tortured myself and ended up totally exhausted. It IS possible to do both and have the best of both worlds - you are doing the right thing for you and your baby and that's what matters; not anyone else's opinion

Just another view...

I gave up breastfeeding dd (now aged 9) around 6 weeks in for the very reasons you describe. Even down to my in laws of the time kept on being around all the timeand I'm just a very private person and I could never get comfortable with the idea of breastfeeding around other people.

I felt ridiculously guilty going to formula with dd which is evidence of how much pressure is out there to breastfeed. But almost immediately I felt so much more relaxed. I enjoyed her more as it took a lot of the stress away for me and I didn't mind feeding her with the in laws about or whoever else. Going out and about was also easier as I wasn't embarrassed trying to feed anywhere (yes I know that is me but I'm sharing how I felt). I was also able to see exactly how much she had had.

I also found she went from feeding every couple of hours to going about four hoursat night which was bliss. She started sleeping through from about 9 weeks. I had been so exhausted. And bottle feeding meant dh and my mum could feed and I could drink a hot cup of tea.

When I had dc 2 (ds 7months ago) I bottle fed from birth and didn't even consider breastfeeding as I loved bottle feeding so much and it suited me. I brought bottles to hospital and not one midwife tried to persuade me this time as I was so adamant I wanted to bottle feed, which was great.

Both dc are healthy and neither have ever had health problems or allergies. Both have slept through from 9 weeks. And yes I may just be lucky.

Breastfeeding is and can be great (and cheap!) But don't kill yourself trying to do it. How you feed your baby is quite a small part of parenting in the whole.scheme of things.

breast feeding was THE hardest thing I did as a new mother, I always had a box or museli bars and bottle of water, I was so thirsty! You have done so well but I can still cry now when I think about how hard it was for me when all my 3 DC were babies and breastfeeding constantly day and night, I christened my self 'daisy the cow' because I just lay on the bed with my udders out feeding for what seemed like years! I can laugh now because they are 4, 7 and 8 now but it was HARD. Don't underestimate what you are doing, you are AMAZING for getting this far!

Is your DH home yet? Have you had chance to talk?

Oh and yes they will be able to check for you next week. Here's the number for the National Bfing Helpline]]. Like I said before I think its a good idea to talk to them whatever you decide and if you do want to replace some or all feeds they can advise you on how to reduce your risk of mastitis

This is really just reiterating what others have said, but you've got loads on your plate and the biggest thing that I would find hard to cope with would be the in laws barging in. To start with I thought you meant they popped round without asking and let themselves in but if they don't respect your space and that is a room in their house then that is intolerable. You are not an outsider invading their space-however much their behaviour makes you feel like that. You are their son/brother's wife - you are family. It may be hard to assert that in a fairly strong set up but don't forget that. I would suggest a lock on your door but actually that would sort a symptom not the problem. You are doing really, really well-cluster feeding is exhausting even when you have space, privacy and support to do it. Choose what you want to do-but don't be pushed into a choice when actually what you need is greater support and respect from the family you live with. I hope things get easier for you.

By the way, I often felt that my babies connected more with others in smiling type ways. But, with the benefit of hindsight, actually I think they had other ways of communicating with me. They pat, stroke, get milk when they ask and as their primary carer I guess there was communication I didn't even really notice. I was an onlooker to their relationships with others so really noticed the smiles etc there.

Keep postin mc and let us know how you are getting on

Thank you everyone. Molehill, it's interesting what you say about communication. I totally forget that I know his cries and what he needs better than anyone, even if he smiles at inanimate objects more than me!

I feel a lot happier today and part of that is being able to off load! DH and I talked and he's had another word about knocking. I feel like they'll think I'm evil DIL filling my husband's ears but if it keeps people out i don't care! He thinks my sadness is a lot more than just the feeding and he's probably right. We talked a lot and he thinks I'm putting pressure on myself to match up to the life I expected. I expected my first baby to be the happiest time in my life and it didn't end up that way.

After a horrendous 24hrs (probably the worst since he was born) DS is finally settled. I forgot what a delightful baby he can be! We talked about mixed feeding but this morning when he was windy and in pain, laying with him comfort sucking on my breast was the only thing that calmed him and reminded me that breastfeeding is more than just nutrition. I think I would miss it if I gave up so will definitely chat to HV first.

DH has decided today is fatten me up day and is going to get me whatever I fancy to eat. :-)

I haved with on laws and bf.

I have stated clearly to my partner that when bf I wish to have privacy, mainly no male members barging in.

I close the door or if going to bf just say clearly I am bf and walk out. It may sound mean but Im not exactly welcoming hen they barge in, but it works and first priority is to look after your baby and yourself.

I find it easier for dp to explain things to his family as it helps avoid confrontation. No one really ought to be bargin in anyway...baby might be sleeping or you may be resting.

It is really tough the first few weeks, quite exhausting. I think I just slept bf and ate. It's true about your appetite...I would suddenly get so hungry and irritable. If necessary give baby to partner or inlaws and cook something you like. So you get some me time and nice food

Is there anyway you could spend time with your parents/ relatives if appropriate? A place you could et your hair down and nt feel so hemmed in?

That may help you to recharge batteries, and its no bad thing to be a little it selfish at ths time.

And don't worry that they think you're being unreasonable because you most definitely are not!

You're trying to feed your child(and their grandchild) in peace.

It's so rude of BIL to barge in. Your DH definitely needs to confront him again about that.
You've had so much good advice that I don't have much to add, but here are a couple of things that helped me/might help you:

I had a box in my bedroom for night feeds/any time I wanted a day in bed that had bananas, flapjacks, dried fruit, cereal bars, bread buns/teacakes, rice cakes, nuts and obviously chocolate in it! DH could make you a big sarnie or pop you some soup in a flask before he goes out.

Could DH fill you a thermos flask of tea or hot chocolate? And leave bottles of water or juice within easy reach. If you want some private time and to avoid going down to the kitchen, maybe you could get a cheap kettle and some herbal tea for your room?

I tried to get into a couple of good boxsets when cluster feeding and embrace the bed/sofa-riddenness! I found that if I'd been out and about in the fresh air for a walk (I used to walk for miles just to get out of the house and so baby was quiet without me holding her) then I'd feel much better about coming home and settling down for a few hours with a hot drink and snack and a DVD while feeding.

I went to a breastfeeding cafe religiously every week when DD was little and found it so helpful. There was a breastfeeding counsellor and also a HV so you could ask about anything and find some help. They also did individual latch assessments or private chats when people were upset or struggling with something. I made some great friends there and we all meet up weekly elsewhere now that our babies get a bit too bored for babycafe.

It sounds like you're doing a great job! I don't think I would have coped at all living with my inlaws - or indeed my own parents - when DD was newborn - I take my hat off to you!

Thanks vielendank. MIL generally gives us privacy after DH had a word and FIL has always been really respectful (he told MIL off when she kept stressing me out during labour! ). It's mainly BIL. He's back from uni and only ever wants to use the shower in our en suite (used to be his and DH's room before I moved in). The weird thing is over Xmas he'd knock while DH was around and has then been barging in since he went back to work. I don't mind anyone wanting to use the shower but I'd like my privacy respected, especially as when cluster feeding I rarely bother putting my boobs away as I'm gwtting them out every half hr! DH had another word and BIL is back to uni this weekend in any case. I'm hoping we've moved out by easter holidays!

I would have gone to my parents but my mum let me down massively recently and I haven't quite forgiven her yet! Plus a lot of visitors would come around and spending evenings BF upstairs alone would only be more isolating.

Gently, what good suggestions! I think rather than feeling sorry for myself I should make myself as comfortable as I can. Getting a kettle is a good idea as often I stay upstairs if DS is awake to avoid MIL as she's recently been introducing herself to DS as "mum" or "ma" so can't take him downstairs with me in the sling or leave him awake alone!

Am glad today's a brighter day... another handhold here from me. Just another thought about the LO and smiles for you/ others. Did you know for the first few months babies actually think their mums are part of the same person as them! That's how close you are and it also explains why others get more interaction... I dont smile much at myself. Anyway hugs to you and hope that unnerving BIL of yours is off to uni.

Running out the door but wanted to mention that the Caboo sling shouldn't be putting a strain on your back, it sounds like you haven't got it fine up tight enough or with the baby high enough up. The babies face should be just below yours if using the upright position. If you've got a second do try it again a it might help, especially if you can master feeding in the sling. You're welcome to pm me for sling help if you want! Really good luck with things, I found that expressing really helped in the later part of the day. Also, if you need a space saving steriliser, Avent do a microwave one for about 20 quid which is compact and works in 2 mins.

hi hope you're feeling better!

don't how long long you've been with pil and how long you plan on staying...and also why (you may feel that you're imposing and so don't want to kick up a fuss)...but there need to be some ground rules set so that you don't feel so 'invaded' all the time...there can be a lot of politics (mainly i found with siblings, pil were and are very lovely and understanding). it's important you speak tour dp esp explaining that you're feeling vulnerable, tired during this difficult time

i lived in before being pregnant so was a little easier as i'd already let dp know about things that had upset me.....people coming into room without asking, people looking through my things, use of ensuite when not there etc. remember each family has it's own 'culture' that may seem very differnet to your own upbringing

may sound petty but i like have my own private space, and people to respect that. is his brother in another room? if so 'your' room is no longer 'his' and neither is the ensuite.....if he's kipping on a sofa in the lounge he may be pissed off, but if he's got a room then that's just how things are

he is taking the piss with the barging in as he didn't when your partner was off work (is your partner older perchance?), he prob thinks you'll be too embarrassed to tell him off so he can get away with it.

when i initially bf i was always in a state of some undress as i was so tired and it didn't seem the top priority, my dp would often shout to people not to come in as i didn't have a top on!

it does get better, i felt quite drained and emotional and i think no one can really ever prepare you for what a shock it is to your body and mind. make sure you get lots and lots of rest and treat yourself with some 'me time'

re your mum...don't write her off completely, i've known some of my friends whose mothers behaved rather strangely in the initial stages, but relationships improved....just make sure you protect yousrelf and have a plan b,c d etc so that she can't you down again and upset you.

take care

How is it all going mcsquared, are you still battling on with bf.

Can I just add re the tongue tie, it may be a posterior one. Forget GP / HV and see the lactation consultant re this, or bf supporters.

My baby has been really windy, colic was awful and the tt can cause them to take in air, yet gain weight.

Hope this helps