Newbie questions

[ladyfoucault]

Hello. I am holding my ten day old baby in my arms almost constantly and am too tired to search the forum for relevant answers. Apologies. I am pretty clueless about breastfeeding and what to do with babies - I thought it would come natural ... what a mistake. I am feeling pretty down at the moment - have been since coming home, after a difficult time in hospital. What I crave is a sort of schedule, I know it is not possible to have a tight schedule with babies so young but to be honest, in order for me to feel better I will try anything, even formula.
When we got home, I spent the first few nights with baby in the living room. This was so my partner, who is on paternity leave, would sleep well and be able to take baby off me the next day. Baby was breastfeeding constantly from evening onwards until about 2 am, when he fell asleep and I could put him in his crib. He slept a few hours (3 I think). This got me so down, thinking that this is how my nights would be, and what a life change that is etc, I couldn't sleep whilst baby was sleeping. Next day was the same, baby fed constantly in the evening, fell asleep in the early morning hours, left me knackered and unable to sleep. I have now learned that what baby is doing is probably clusterfeeding and quite normal. My question is: If clusterfeeding, is it possible to take baby to bed when I want it, or will he not sleep until he is done? And that can be until the wee morning hours?
A lady from my NCT class has a slightly older baby (7 weeks) who is breastfed. She takes him to bed at 7 pm, where he stays. How can I achieve this? Is my baby too young for this, or is it a question of how they feed?
I have kept a little diary of the last two days, and found that there was a long stretch between his afternoon sleep and the time he went to bed at night. Is it a question of him being overtired, so that I should not leave too long between sleeps, in order for him to go to bed earlier, or is there no point in that?
My baby feeds in little bits during the day, since 5 am today he has had nine feeds each lasting from 15 mins to 30 mins, with him falling asleep after feed and having a little nap. Is that normal, or excessive?
Regarding my partner taking the baby out, baby is never really off my breast so I can't have a break in the afternoon. Is that normal?
Also, I would like to go out, but if he wants feeding every half an hour, or whenever he wakes up, how can I can I go out?
When baby eventually goes to sleep, I find that changing him wakes him up and makes him alert and wanting to eat again. Is it okay to put him in his crib unchanged?
The last two nights, baby slept with us in the bedroom as a trial. He slept a few hours, woke up because he was wet, needed ten minutes breastfeeding, and then went back to sleep. I swaddled him and gave him a dummy which he took, and spat out after a while but he sucked on it for a while and it helped him to go to sleep. Woke after one hour again with a wet nappy. From then, he started his feeding / sleeping routine which he is still doing currently. My partner is going back to work again, and I feel terrible if he has interrupted sleeps - how do other dads do it? Do most fathers sleep in the same room?

Lots of questions. I hope people are able to give me some advice and kind words - I would be so grateful. Many thanks. x

Hi you've had some great advice but I also sense you like books to look at.

Like mamahotfoot Im a second timer and my reading material this time round has changed.

Babyled breastfeeding by Gill Rapley Very good

Happiest baby on the block / Baby Bliss Harvey Karp - very interesting. Will find you a youtube clip.

Baby Sleep solution - Sears. Now reading it 6 mths in and thinking why why why have I only found it. He does others. Similar brillance!

No cry sleep solution - Elizabeth pantley - fantastic but finding it hard to read

Wonderweeks and sears online too.

Saved our sanity.

Haven't read all the thread but the best advice I ever got (on mumsnet!) was that little babies shouldn't go more then 90-120 minutes without a sleep. My DS was usually awake 4-5 hours in the morning and then would have a melt down. Once I started watching him for tiredness signs (rubbing eyes, yawning, getting quiet) I'd get him off to sleep (feeding, sling, pushchair, rocking - anything that worked!)

From memory, at 10 days I was feeding DS every hour or 2 and trying to nap when he slept (usually 30mins at a time).

He'd cluster feed in the evening, but I'd try to cluster feed from say 5pm-ish until 9pm. Then DH would take him and let him suck his finger until midnight so I could get 3 hours (almost) uninterrupted sleep. Saved my sanity and meant that getting up every 2 hours from midnight was easier.

just wanted to say - hang in there, things get better very quickly if you go with the flow. before she was born i was all about cots, prams and routines...in reality, she breastfeeds when she wants, sleeps with us and spends most of the day in a sling. this keeps her happy and quiet and i am pretty much back to normal life a month in. lying down breastfeeding means i barely have to be awake to feed her at night, me and hubby feel very rested and smug when people ask us about sleepless nights big contrast to formula feeding i'd imagine. nappy only gets changed if necessary at night.

i wear a poncho when out, i can whack a boob out, stick her under and most people don't even know the babys there! that has really revolutionised things - we can eat out just as we used to etc.

if she gets extremely 'colicky' at night, do look into oversupply. i'd resigned myself to her grumpiness in the evenings, but when she started vomiting i looked into oversupply, followed the la leche leagues advice and hey presto, shes quiet again :)

Hi OP sorry I don't have time to read all the posts but my top tip is don't get too bewildered by lots of different advice on line and definitely don't tie yourself up i knots with books. Get yourself to a breastfeeding cafe or something similar for your area. Mine is run by local council and supported by NCT and is great for new Mums overwhelmed and confused by motherhood. Being supported by a caring and informed breastfeeding specialist is infinitely better than reading posts here. Company and a listening ear and meeting some other Mums will probably do you the world of good. Its tough to have a new born, but little by little it all gets easier!!!

I just want to say IT DOES GET BETTER. You are at the worst possible point and it feels like nothing will ever change, but it will and you will realise one day that you're not only coping, but there are times when you actually enjoy it.

I agree with other posters - do whatever it takes to get through. I had to give up breastfeeding and felt terrible about it, but I have the most healthy, happy one year old in the world now. He's a complete delight, though I would happily have swapped him for the first two months when he cried from midday through to 6am every single day.

Best of luck. Let us know how you get on.

Ignore the baby whisperer and Gina Bloody Ford. Ignore any baby book written by anyone who is neither a pediatrician nor a parent.

Get the Dr Sears baby book. He's a pediatrician, she's a nurse, they have lots of kids, they accept that there's no 'one way' that works for all babies.

www.amazon.co.uk/The-Baby-Book-Everything-about/dp/000719823X/

No, 7-week-old babies don't usually sleep through the night.

It gets better.

Every week, it gets easier.

Dad will have to put up with interrupted sleep. (I say this as a dad myself).

You are doing brilliantly, keep going if you can. But if you can't - the world won't end and no one will think any the less of you, least of all your baby.
I have to agree with the others though - until 3 months everything is all over the place - routines etc tend to confuse everything and lead to addled mother and unhappy baby (at least that was my experience)...
It won't seem like it now but it will get better - take each day as it comes - just tell yourself "if I can get through this day, this week, this hour"...whatever, and then you can re evaluate then and see if you can carry on.
I'm going to give up breastfeeding at the 6 month mark and I'm already dreading losing such a natural, beautiful, unique experience. Actually welling up while typing this, and I would say its the most challenging thing I have ever done.

I agree with what someone said - BF is difficult. I wish people would prepare pregnant woman for how difficult it really is. I suspect they try to paint it as all lovely because they don't want to scare people off BFing. And also, after the first few weeks it is lovely and our memory seems to erase the tough times and only remember the months of beautiful intimate times with our baby.

FWIW - my 2 pennys' worth - mainly because you remind me of me ladyfaucault

MY DD was a real sucker and I realised in the first couple of weeks that she wasn't feeding, just sucking. I used to give her my finger to suck as we were advised not to give a dummy to such a young baby but we went to a dummy at about 4 weeks as feeding was clearly well established as she was already a bit of a porker. I was anti dummy before having a baby but i now see its a babies instinct to suck. If you are prepared to give her your breast 24/7, I salute you. But if not, we shouldn't deny a baby their instinct just because putting a piece of plastic in their mouth is quite an unfashionable look. Allow them to scratch their itch.

She always liked to eat little and often. Very rarely more than 2 hours apart but only would feed for about 10-15 mins. I was very happy with this set-up once I got used to feeding in public. Thinking about the appointment you said you had on monday, I even once fed her during a short drs appointment about something completely unrelated.

Feeding in public is your ticket to freedom. I recommend you do it first in a breast feeding group/nct/play group etc. I'll always remember my first time in costa coffee. I felt so nervous - as if i was exposing myself in public. But by the time she was a few months old i was feeding her anywhere - packed commuter trains etc. With practice it is very discrete and many many times other people would be chatting away to me, oblivious to what I was doing. Try feeding in front of a mirror to see what other people would be able to see. And investigate the different clothing options to find what suits you.

I got the baby whisperer in the first week or so, in a desperate attempt to regain control of my life. If it suits you and your baby, great. But there is just as much chance that it doesn't. And it didn't for us AT ALL. Most of what she says seems bonkers to me (waking at 4 months is a sign to wean? I think not. Potty train at 9 months? not with these carpets)

Anyway - its refreshing to hear such a natural, realistic account of what it feels like to have a 10 day old baby. Parents to be should be given your post to read instead of the glossy pictures of smiling, well rested looking parents in the birth to 5 book

Also:
sod your DH. I used to get out of bed and take DD downstairs to feed to protect DH's precious sleep. I gave that up after about 4 weeks. It wasn't long before I'd do the whole feed and put her back without DD or I waking up properly, and DH not at all.

And eat properly. And take a vitamin supplement.
People forget that your body is mending itself and you are feeding another person who is growing very quickly. The people in my NCT group who struggled to breastfeed were the ones with amazing bodies who bounced back to their pre-pregnancy figure in about 2 weeks. I suspect their breastfeeding problems would have been eased if they were eating as much as i was.
Although it sounds like your problem isn't supply.

And accept that this is a hormonally volatile time for you. Everyone gets some sort of baby blues, from a few weepy days to PND, but most of us somewhere in-between. It takes a few weeks to get back to an even keel, regardless of all the other stuff going on.

estya- you're right about needing to eat for your own well being but what and how much you eat will not have any effect on the milk supply.

Ditto for how rested you are, how much you drink and how much protein you eat (yes, it's been touted here).

Hope things are going well for you ladyfoucault.

No need to pump to check your milk supply. A baby can be more efficient than any pump, and some women are not able to express at all - but can still BF their babies with no problems.

poshbird1- where on earth did you get that nugget about checking milk supply?

Many women would have given up breastfeeding by now if they were judging their supply by how much they pump.

poshbird1 what you can pump does not in any way indicate how much your baby is getting from you. Many women breastfeed for a long time and are unable to pump even an oz.

Baby works the breast in a different action than a pump.

Some days I can't even get an oz out on a pump. Put baby to breast and she's literally got it coming out her mouth!!

Other days pump ozs out and still baby gets more out.

i really feel for you, hang in there and it will all come good just as the lovely kind people on this thread keep saying! i have a two week old dd3 and even third time round its hard!! i kind of forgot actually what with having a five year gap this time. i ended up sobbing my heart out last night after dd3 just screamed for hours, am bfing too and as someone mentioned i have over supply issues so i stick to only one boob per feed no swapping, tiny babies sometimes dont drain one boob and end up with all the gassy foremilk from both boobs and not the thicker hindmilk. i have been trying it today with great results! dd3 has reflux so theres that too, just got medication for it so we shall see. this time round i have used lasinoh nipple cream which is fab and i have an ipad (birthday pressie!) thats my middle of the night kit for bfing and my dd2's easter eggs which she will never finish heh heh. i put all the parenting books on the kindle app on the ipad and read them but haven't taken any notice! do what feels right for you and your baby, i have a loose get up and get ready routine and the bfing falls into place eventually, good luck, you are already a wonderful mum

Yeah - this "see how much you're producing" thing is straight out of the Baby Whisperer. I was very good at expressing - but I know full well that I probably only produced half for the pump what I produced for DD. If you want to see how much better your baby is at getting a letdown going than a pump is, pump for 10 minutes than get your other half to hand you the baby. Put the baby on the other boob while still pumping and watch in fascination as a drip becomes a torrent...

Just a quick note re dummies.

I have two children. I BF them both. DS (our first) was 'a sucker'. I went through pretty much everything that you are going through. I was initially against using a dummy (probably like a lot of new parents) but he literally wanted to feed (more likely, wanted comfort) almost relentlessly. He was a terribly restless baby. Everyone I knew seemed to have serene, happy babies who seemed to be content whenever I saw them. I had a grumpy miserable little sod!! Until I gave him a dummy. Not saying that you have a child like my DS. Just don't discount a dummy if you feel it's a comfort thing, that's all. He did have his dummy for a very long time, but I was very strict about just having it at 'tired times', rather than him having it in his mouth constantly.

DD never ever had a dummy and never made any attempt to find anything to comfort her in that respect. Which just shows you how different babies are, that's all.

Main thing that I can pass on given my children are 12 and 10 is - everything is a phase and everything WILL pass, even if you think it never will initially. There is no perfect way, there is just your way.

Hang on in there - it will pass and you are doing great!

Oh - And your body WILL be producing enough milk, don't doubt that. It will produce as much as your baby needs. Again, to illustrate a point, DS was a big hefty baby and DD was a tiny slip of a thing. Lucky in fact that DD was our 2nd child and you know better by then, the health visitor wanted her weighed every 5 minutes, which I ignored completely. She's one of the taller ones in her class now!!

There is nothing wrong with pumping. But it will not tell you what you are producing or what the baby is getting and it is a bad idea to suggest mothers use it as a test.

Delete that. It is a very bad idea and actively misleads mothers.

But by pumping se won't be able to see how much baby is getting. The truth is that baby could be getting a lot more than the pump shows. Using a pump is good for many things but not for checking how much baby gets.

Dummies are so useful!! Dd2 had one as are good for reflux- they can help keep acid down. I took the dummy away at 10 mths had two nights of half hearted crying& that was it. I read somewhere its better to either take it away cold turkey style before age 1 year because they forget about it quickly or do it at 2/3 yrs when they can understand accepting a present or something in exchange. Anytime in between just taking it away is a bit mean as they get attached or cant understand why you took it. Anything is fine to soothe your baby- oooh i just tried the 5 s's for a laugh tonight (was a bit of a sceptic really about all that) out of desperation,from the happiest baby on,the block. Well actually made dh do it while i put dd2 to bed earlier around 8pm. Success! For the first time since birth she is sleeping& relaxed for longer than half an hour in the evening. Definitely try it, i think i will make it part of bedtime routine when we start one, he only did it for 20 mins. Off to have that (very small) glass of wine!