Newbie questions

[ladyfoucault]

Hello. I am holding my ten day old baby in my arms almost constantly and am too tired to search the forum for relevant answers. Apologies. I am pretty clueless about breastfeeding and what to do with babies - I thought it would come natural ... what a mistake. I am feeling pretty down at the moment - have been since coming home, after a difficult time in hospital. What I crave is a sort of schedule, I know it is not possible to have a tight schedule with babies so young but to be honest, in order for me to feel better I will try anything, even formula.
When we got home, I spent the first few nights with baby in the living room. This was so my partner, who is on paternity leave, would sleep well and be able to take baby off me the next day. Baby was breastfeeding constantly from evening onwards until about 2 am, when he fell asleep and I could put him in his crib. He slept a few hours (3 I think). This got me so down, thinking that this is how my nights would be, and what a life change that is etc, I couldn't sleep whilst baby was sleeping. Next day was the same, baby fed constantly in the evening, fell asleep in the early morning hours, left me knackered and unable to sleep. I have now learned that what baby is doing is probably clusterfeeding and quite normal. My question is: If clusterfeeding, is it possible to take baby to bed when I want it, or will he not sleep until he is done? And that can be until the wee morning hours?
A lady from my NCT class has a slightly older baby (7 weeks) who is breastfed. She takes him to bed at 7 pm, where he stays. How can I achieve this? Is my baby too young for this, or is it a question of how they feed?
I have kept a little diary of the last two days, and found that there was a long stretch between his afternoon sleep and the time he went to bed at night. Is it a question of him being overtired, so that I should not leave too long between sleeps, in order for him to go to bed earlier, or is there no point in that?
My baby feeds in little bits during the day, since 5 am today he has had nine feeds each lasting from 15 mins to 30 mins, with him falling asleep after feed and having a little nap. Is that normal, or excessive?
Regarding my partner taking the baby out, baby is never really off my breast so I can't have a break in the afternoon. Is that normal?
Also, I would like to go out, but if he wants feeding every half an hour, or whenever he wakes up, how can I can I go out?
When baby eventually goes to sleep, I find that changing him wakes him up and makes him alert and wanting to eat again. Is it okay to put him in his crib unchanged?
The last two nights, baby slept with us in the bedroom as a trial. He slept a few hours, woke up because he was wet, needed ten minutes breastfeeding, and then went back to sleep. I swaddled him and gave him a dummy which he took, and spat out after a while but he sucked on it for a while and it helped him to go to sleep. Woke after one hour again with a wet nappy. From then, he started his feeding / sleeping routine which he is still doing currently. My partner is going back to work again, and I feel terrible if he has interrupted sleeps - how do other dads do it? Do most fathers sleep in the same room?

Lots of questions. I hope people are able to give me some advice and kind words - I would be so grateful. Many thanks. x

This will pass before you can believe it... You are doing amazingly well to be feeding - try and congratulate yourself thro the haze! In a couple of weeks you'll look back in amazement at this weird hazy time and not even be able to remember what it was like. Try and have no expectations at the mo (other than expecting this to pass...) and just BE... ps: DP will survive too!

your baby sounds like mine was

she seemed to feed ALL the time, but would have a sleep between 1am / 4am

she would feed ALL evening.... I would think she would be settled but 5 mins after settling her (and say turning the taps on in the bath) she would be awake again need another hour+ of feeding.

Its just how (some) little babies are... but it DOES get easier and it doesnt last forever.

As for your DH, he needs to get used to sleepless nights too... afterall the baby is his and he is not going to have full nights sleep for a while yet.

Sounds like you are both doing really really well

I found the first few weeks very tough.... and i didnt really enjoy BFing until she was 5.5 months, but now she is 7.5m, sleeps 12 hours at night and i am so so SO pleased that I carried on.

without reading all posts here are my tips...
1/ stick with it it DOES get easier then just feels natural and cant feel it

2/ for soreness/dry nipples- nipple shields, just for a couple of days

3/ - amazing lansinoh cram, not so cheap but will last through many children

And when people raise and eyebrow and say: "Oh, dc needs feeding again?" just smile and take baby back. Or give them a detailed explanation as to why bf babies feed a lot.

Would definitely look into bf groups. I made a couple of good friends in our local one and we were able to support each other. One of my bf friends is convinced she kept it up as long as she did because we were able to share the horrors (and highlights) together.

I vivdly remember midnight crying fits with both dcs, when they just wouldn't stop feeding. Second time round was actually worse, because I assumed it'd be easier. It's a bit like giving birth: just when you think you can't take anymore, it gets better.

A post from another first timer on the other side of the difficult bit, iyswim!

Firstly, congratulations, how wonderful!

I know how you feel- I ended up on the sofa for the first few days, but eventually thought 'sod this, it's dangerous'. My DS was a total Moses basket refuser, and would only sleep on people.
For the first couple of weeks, DP was on paternity leave. He'd give him one bottle of formula and stay up with DS so I could get a chunk of sleep. I know it's not recommended, but my supply was fine, and it meant I got some sleep and my poor nipples got a bit of rest.

Overall, the way we worked it from about day 5 was that DP slept upstairs, and I co-slept and bf'd DS in a bed in DS's room. We did that until DS was 4.5 months, so I was doing all the night feeds...but have now swapped over as DP is off. Co-sleeping worked for us- I rarely needed to nap as I got decent sleep in, DS seemed to know what night was, and DP got rest for work.

Cluster-feeding is totally normal, and can go on for weeks, or can be short. I know it's hard, but it will come to an end. Do get in a tube of Lansinoh (sp?) as that's a life saver for your nipples. Feeding little and often is entirely normal- as long as baby is well, whatever feeding pattern they have is normal!

Your baby is still so tiny, they are going to be a bit random for a while yet. I'm afraid you will just have to chuck everything out the window and go with the flow- once you allow yourself to make that decision, you'll feel better. As others have said, about 3 months is common to start any sort of routine- my DS sort of dropped into regular daytime naps and feeds around that time.

You will get your evenings back eventually, I promise, and it's lovely when it happens.

You're doing brilliantly, so keep going. If at any stage however, you do feel overwhelmed, do ask for help. In fact, ask for general assistance from everyone who comes through the door- no-one should refuse!

Hi - I know it has been said above but I can not srtess enough find a breastfeeding group. Honestly this kept me sane. It was my first trip out (my DH drove there so no walking!) and there was someone there to cry about it all to and other mums who could share their experiences with you. Also you get a cup of tea and biscuit/cake :)

You are doing amazingly well, congrats!

Congratulations, OP, and sympathy: this stage is grim.

Your partner needs to accept that his sleep is going to be disrupted too, I'm afraid. He can't feed the baby, but he can do nighttime changes, cuddle him, dress him, all that sort of thing. Our DS was colicky and my husband spent loads of time in between feeds holding him and rocking him (which meant I could get a shower or send an e-mail).

The best advice I've seen on here about breastfeeding is to tell yourself that you can give up any time, you don't have to beat yourself up about it - but just aim to keep going for today.

Well done so far. What they don't tell you is that breastfeeding is a battle of the mind more than the body.
My ds2 is 4m and I bf my ds1 for a year. It is hard until you get into the swing of things ( that doesn't mean routine- I have never had one!). In my house: They can go 12 hours without a nappy change as long as you haven't heard them poo! And of course, that their skin on their bottom isn't sore. With ds1 I used to change his nappy mid feed to wake him up and swap sides then he went for longer. 6 weeks was a serious turning point and by 12 weeks It got better again.
rather than disrupt my sleep, I would sleep with DH and take DS out of the room to feed him when he woke. DH never stirred and now I do it in the bedroom with ds2. DH almost never wakes up!
The first 6 weeks are the worse with a new born, but the hardest days are behind you already and it will get better.

I so agree with olimpia and mummysmellsofsick about co-sleeping and breastfeeding lying down! It's a godsend. I did it with DD until she was 18 months old, and when I had DS 5 months ago, I spent a couple of frustrating nights 'teaching' him to latch on for a lying down feed, but once he cracked that, we both had much more sleep at night. As someone else said, I often wake up wondering if/when he fed in the night!
It sounds like you're doing a great job; hang in there. :)

Hello and congrats, I can really remember those first few weeks and days with a new born being like a surreal dream! You do come out the other side I promise!

Definately keep going with bfing, it gets a lot eaiser, is good for you and your baby and most importantly saves you a fortune!!!

You will begin to sense if you are the kind of mum who needs routine and structure, I was and once I started following a routine (based loosely on Gina Ford) I found my dd was happier and so was I! But it does entirely depend on how you feel about it and to be fair I started with routines more when dd was about 10wks and I was pulling my hair out

Just wanted to add a few words of support to you OP. There's been lots of good advice already.

Take heart from what everyone has said. At 10 days old your baby is VERY new don't worry at all about establishing any kind of routine, one will emerge naturally over time. To make sure you have enough milk feed baby whenever they're hungry. I didn't do this with DC1 as I thought she ought to be able to go 4 hours between feeds because that's what my Mum kept telling me - total RUBBISH.

With DC2 I fed her almost constantly for the first 2 - 3 weeks. From 6.30 - 11pm she would lie on the v pillow on my knee while I watched TV on sofa feeding on and off. Then I went up to bed got myself ready while DH looked after her. He brought her up when I gave the shout. I then fed her again until she fell asleep (usually about 1-1.5 hours) what made this bearable was having the TV on. Something I had NEVER dreamed of doing with DC1 because I thought it would keep DH awake and that somehow it would be too much stimulation for the baby. With DC2 the TV saved my life. I had it on very quietly, DH slept no problem and baby didn't even notice. It really helps pass the time and keeps you company. She would then sleep for maybe 2-3 hours waking for a 45 min feed each time through the night.

Try to relax, babies are different and also other mothers lie.

It will not last forever. Set small goals. It will amaze you how quickly you get used to surviving on only a few hours sleep each night. At 2 weeks old DC1 slept for 4 hours straight for the first time and I felt like a new woman!

It will get easier. The early weeks feel like they will last forever and you can't see light at the end of the tunnel but I promise on your baby's first birthday you will look back over the 12 months in astonishment at how fast they have gone by

You will be able to go out again - and yes, even in the evenings. In the end I had to combination feed DC1, as I didn't have enough milk, it wasn't a major issue but I exclusively fed DC2 and found it was LOADS easier than messing about with bottles. I gritted my teeth and got on with feeding her in public, which I had never done with DC1. It felt awkward the first time but I soon got used to it and didn't care about what others might think. I fed her anywhere and everywhere necessary and as a result could go out and stay out for as long as we wanted.

Good luck with everything, please try not to worry, everything you describe is completely normal. You are doing a fantastic job and a little extra support from DH at night will make all the difference.

ladyfoucault another newbie mum here, my dd is now four months and I felt just the same as you for the first 12 weeks or so!

I found bfing hard and relentless and nearly quit a few times, but after giving up on most household chores, I've been able to carry on and I'm so pleased I did.

Dd will now go 3 hours between feeds and I've been able to have a night out by expressing, have my haircut and dh and I even both went out together last week leaving dd with dm and bottle of express.

Top tips, learn to co-sleep safely and feed lying down ( this helped me enormously through the bad nights)
Accept all help
Dh needs to help it's a lot easier to go to work than care for a new born
Try and chill and enjoy (easier said than done, I really struggled moving from control freak being mum of a newborn!)

Congratulations, enjoy it, it will go so fast!

Lots of good advice already. I'm just going to add the suggestion to move up to size 2 nappies as soon as possible - they hold so much more wee than size 1s and actually are still from a pretty low weight. It means that your baby can go longer between changes in the night. Chances are you might still need one nighttime change but this whole 'change the baby every time you feed' stuff that I got told first time around is tosh.

First time mum of 22 w/o DD over here and yes it's totally bewildering the first few weeks and I kept reading that it gets better and wondering just WHEN that was but it REALLY does get better and you then wonder where the time went!

Right now, I would say that the most helpful thing would be to put away any baby books you might have bought. Just listen to what your baby needs and go with the flow. It's much more depressing when you have a book telling you what you and your baby should be doing but life doesn't quite pan out like that.

Loads of fab advice - we've just hit 7 months with BF DD2 (DD1 was ff) and while very hard work at times, overall, it's been a lot easier than ff'ing dd1 was.

Definitely learn to feed lying down - you will get loads more sleep. I lie on my side and dd lies in the crook of my arm to feed and then falls asleep. Most of the time I fall asleep before she has finished. DH doesn't really get disturbed.

Also, buy a sling and practice feeding with the baby in it. I have one of these these and used to feed DD anywhere and everywhere including:

walking around the zoo
doing the weekly shop at Asda
walking around the craft fair at the NEC

Also, easier said than done, I know, but don't worry about feeding in public. If you can't feed while walking around with a sling, as long as you can find a bench, you can sit and feed your baby. It's seems daunting now, but it really is easy to get out and about when BF'ing - I found it loads easier than with DD1 as you don't have to worry about taking enough bottles and milk with you and finding somewhere to heat it up.

It will get easier. Good luck x

Have a look at this website.

Best tip: Don't breastfeed. That way you know what they've eaten and it takes one worry off you. You'll be back to normal hormone levels quicker, less tired and you can hand baby over to someone else when you need a break. Honestly, best decision I ever made.

Congratulations on your arrival and well done for getting this far. You've probably done two of the hardest ever weeks there will be.

In addition to all the great advice here, it is worth looking at sleep in the run up to cluster feeding. My first baby cluster fed a lot, for weeks (usually 8pm-12am ish). My second did too but for a week around growth periods and for shorter periods. If my second had been awake for longer than his usual gaps, he'd definitely feed more. I think cluster feeding is made worse by over tiredness

Other things that helped me:

• expect to do nothing other than sustain and care for this precious baby for the first 12 weeks.
• ask for and make use of help, especially from your DP
• ignore all advice that doesn't feel right to you, and feel confident about doing it!

-however bad your day, I found it really helped to get showered and dressed and out of the house. Even if only for a pint of milk at 5pm. -the hard bits feel like they go on forever when you're in the middle of them. They don't and they won't. This stage will pass and quickly.

• Every day you've breast fed is an achievement. And if it doesn't work for you and him, ignore anything that makes you feel bad about your choices. As a wise friend told me, a happy baby needs a happy mum, so doing things the way works best for you is really important.

Be kind to yourself!

Your baby sounds like my first. I was worn out.

The cluster feeding in the evening, that's quite common, it's difficult, but it doesn't last forever. Even my second 'easy' baby did this.

Some questions for you, with suggestions:

Does your baby go to sleep on the boob? I know you say he feeds a bit and sleeps. If he's falling asleep on the boob then try to keep him up until he really has finished -tickle his ear or his foot to wake him up.

At night, when he's done with a feed what happens? I used to change, rock, re-boob. When we switched to feed then DH puts him to bed it worked better, although we did have to do this to get to the actual falling asleep (night-times I mean):

I feed with the waking up process
Passed baby to DH to put in moses = crying
DH counts to ten, picks up baby and rocks

If DH got to ten of doing that then it was back to me for more boob and we repeated.

I reckon (with us) a lot of the time where I was getting my boob out, it wasn't needed. So DH provided the comfort instead with rocking. It was hard, neither of us got much sleep, but it worked out in the end.

However, all babies are different and you just end up with the method that suits you.

Word of advice - never compare!

One of my favourite tips is to feed with baby on a pillow. That way if they drop off afterwards and you want to lay them down and go for a much needed wee/cup of tea etc., they don't wake up from being put on the sofa / in the moses basket etc which is a different temperature. You can just slide the pillow away with baby on and be freeeeee!!

Saved my bacon. Both DS and DD used to wake up the second they touched the moses basket after my warm lap.

Really good luck with it all.

Please don't make your tiny baby wait 3 hours for a feed! :(

At this age, they really need to be fed on demand if breastfeeding is what you want to do. They are establishing your supply, and if you try to stretch out the feeds, the baby will be hungry, and your supply won't be stimulated.

It's so hard at this stage, you're doing well, although you should be in the bed and if your partner chooses the sofa that's up to him. Sharing a sofa with your baby can be dangerous, but if you follow safety guidelines you can have him in your bed with you (which really makes the night time feeds so much easier!)

Good luck and congratulations.

I remember those days and the first 12+ weeks I found really, really hard. Almost gave up BFing on many occasions and only kept going as I was too lazy to sterilise bottles

My tips...

1. A GroBag as soon as your DS is big enough for one. It keeps them warm and they don't realise when you pop them back in the cot/moses basket/bed as they don't get a shock with the cold sheet. I co-slept at points during the night too if it meant I could sleep. I also slept during the day when DD slept.

1. Go with the flow. Feeding on demand is usually advised for BFing as this is what keeps your milk supply in sync with your baby's needs. The more you feed, the more milk you make.

1. BFing is a skill. You both need to learn and it may take your DS a while to get a good latch and learn a good suckling technique. As our DD got bigger she got better at glugging down milk quickly and also her tummy got bigger as well so she could hold more milk.

1. Breast milk is easier to digest than formula so you're unlikely to get a long sleep through the night if you're BFing. It does happen as all babies are different but they're more likely to wake hungry. Accepting this made it easier for me and I stopped asking people about their babies sleeping though (it was simply too depressing!)

1. It is hard (personally: harder than my labour). I nearly gave up on hundreds of occasions as it was so difficult. But it did get easier and I ended up BFing until DD was 16mo. Never thought that would happen in the first few weeks and initially I took it one feed at a time.

1. Don't be ashamed to do whatever it takes to make it work. I BF DD to sleep until she was nearly 1.5 years old. People say not to do it but it worked for us. DD was happy and so was I. We did need to wean her off it and work on getting her to sleep without suckling, but this was much easier to deal with when she was sleeping through (or nearly through) and therefore I was well rested. I simply couldn't work on getting her to self settle at a younger age as I just needed every precious second of sleep.

1. DD slept in our room but I fed her in the nursery at night. Meant DH wasn't so disturbed and I set the room up before going to bed. A low light, comfy chair/cushions on the floor, laptop/book etc. I watched lots of DVDs and was on MN all night!

Good luck and remember that babies don't read books, so do feel able to abandon or indeed tweak suggestions that you read about in them. All babies are different so no technique is going to work across the board. If you're unhappy or your baby is unhappy then it's really not worth continuing at that point.

I can remember this stage, it's exhausting.

I read an article, too late for me at the time, that said to sleep (not just rest with your feet up in the sfternoon) and it helps producing the richer milk that keeps them more satisfied and helps to stop colic.

I just kept going a little bit longer, and a bit longer, and used formula a little, but not too much. When I was so tired, a mw said that I needed to decide how much formula to use. I didn't really understand at the time, but that was it. I think I decided no more than 2 feeds a day.

Agree with not changing at night unless your baby has had a poo - it just wakes them too much when you are desperate for them to go back to sleep.

I still remember dh coming home at about 4.30pm one afternoon, and asking me what feed it was. Rather drily, I told him it was the 11.30am one! I think I nearly lost it when he asked me what I'd done for lunch. Nothing.

Be kind to yourself, babies have to learn to feed, too. Might be worth contacting the La Leche League, I found them very helpful.

How long did I feed? Well, I cracked the crying until 1am at about 11 weeks, so I carried on a bit. Dd started solids at 15 weeks, current thinking in 1998, so I carried on a bit more, then when I went back to work at 26 weeks, I was still doing 3 feeds a day. She stopped at about 20 months when she changed nursery, and got a really heavy cold. She couldn't breathe well enough to feed, but when she started talking she could still remember being breastfeed.

Btw, if you stop, it is possible to start again with lots of skin to skin contact.

I'm really glad I carried on.

Good luck

Agreed that the baby whisperer has some odd ideas. I remember her on TV trying to get a mum to express immediately after the birth of her baby. I will second feeding lying down, it is the best thing ever, and getting support. Ask and allow family or friends to help out so you're not tiring yourself with chores when you have a newborn to care for. Sleep when you need to and can rather than when you think you "should" i.e. naps are OK! When you feel up to it there will probably be a local BF group that you can go to. If nothing else you get out and see people, can practice feeding in a sympathetic non home place before truly going public and you can get proper advice from people who know what they are talking about re latch, positions etc. Seeing a BF counsellor at a group was the best thing I did as I was struggling with soreness at about the same stage as you. It will improve. I fed DS1 for 15 months and am still going at 12 months with DS2. I couldn't have done it alone. Hope it works out for you soon.

your doing great OP DD2 clusterfed like mad for first week or so but we have got into a routine at 20 days old, she feeds a lot in the day yesterday was relentless, but only has 2 feeds now at night. going off at around 10pm, this is her natural routine not something i've encouraged. I started co-sleeping and now she just wakes up i latch her on and its all good.

Just remember this time is such a small part of their lives and soon gets better, but it's difficult when you put in all the work and get nothing back from it. it will all seem worth it soon.

DP takes DD from 7-8 in the sling just round the block so i can have a nap or a brew, and DD1,DD2 and i spend most days watching peppa pig in our pajamas, 2 days a week we go to a playgroup, so DD1 can let off some steam, i never fed DD1 in public and never really left the house which was not good, this time i just go with the flow and god help anyone that comments.

Try to find more mummy baby activitys (massage is good) and just get out and about. it's not till you have 2 do you realise how much easier just 1 is.

oh and Congratulations on you squishy little baby.