Upset

[astreetcarnamedknackered]

I cant discuss this in real life.

I'm upset that my DSIL has decided to stop bf my one week old niece. This is no judgment re ff/bf. I just need to know if others feel similarly upset re nieces/ nephews/grandchildren.

Why would you be upset about how someone else is choosing to feed and bring up their child if you have no judgements on how they choose to do it.

Yes I can relate.

Kelly : I'm not judgmental. I love my sister in law (she's not 'other people'). I know she will be a great mum.

I just feel sad.

But why do you feel sad because she stopped breastfeeding? Do you have your own children, did you want to breast feed but could not so feel she is wastign an opportunity you never had?

Yes, I was sad when my SIL stopped bf my niece. My SIL was put on very powerful medication which she absolutely needed for a serious health problem, and although there was no real evidence it could not be used alongside breastfeeding, she made the choice to stop....I did not judge her, I knew she was sad to stop, and because I cared about her and my little niece, I was sad too.

If we think how babies are fed matters, and it's not something trivial or silly to care about, then we're bound to have feelings!

Doesn't mean we are judging the mothers !

It is just weird that you feel sad because someone does not do the same as you. It comes across as very self satisifed as if you are sad because they are not doing what you think is best, rather than you could not breast feed and really wnated to, or could not have a child etc.

I suppose I feel I want to cuddle my brother and say it's ok (he would have loved for his daughter to be breastfed) to feel disappointed. But I don't want to give the impression I feel it's anything to be disappointed about IYSWIM.

I have a son. I breastfed. My other nephews and nieces from other siblings were breastfed.

I just don't know why I feel sad. I know it is best for mum set for baby etc. But I don't believe she is giving up out of choice - pain which has a cause which is being address, but won't even consider shields/expressing - but out of frustration and short term goals.

My niece does deserve Breastmilk. I wish she could have it.

Thank you tiktok.

Now who's being judgmental, here, kelly?
"self-satisfied"
"weird"

Not self satisfied, totally in love with my new niece, though, guilty.

Kelly why would it matter if I had not had a child ir could not breastfeed. You seem to think you can only feel strongly about it if you hadn't done it yourself. But both examples suggest the mother would see bf as beneficial. There I go again. I'm saying beneficial as though I don't truly believe that Breastmilk wonderful out of fear of offending.

Breastfeeding is a lovely experience, when it's going well and when mother and baby are enjoying it.

It's a worthwhile thing to do.

Most women who do it and who enjoy it look back on the experience and are glad they had it.

It doesn't mean they think women who don't have this experience are worse mothers, or that breastfeeding is the only thing that matters.

It just means when we are aware of people we love not having this experience, we feel sad for them because they have missed it.

Nothing weird or self-satisfied (or bitter and twisted!)..... FFS.

Once again, tiktok puts more elegantly than I could.

That's the thing. I love my brother, sis in law and my niece. I know they will make wonderful loving parents. I feel for sis that she has struggled and want to take the pain away. But it is at that stage here the crossroad to ff beckons. I feel sad.

I just wanted to know that I'm not alone in feeling that way.

streetcar, if you can, you can find a way to acknowledge your bro's feelings and your SIL's feelings.

When we are sad about anything, it's dismissive and trivialising to think other people are thinking 'there's nothing to be sad about!'. Worse if they actually say it :(

You can say (as I did), 'how are you/how is X feeling about the whole feeding thing?' and from their response, you can judge how to play it.

Thank you. It's so hard.

It's so difficult. I know she wants to 'not be in pain' rather than 'not to breastfeed'. But aside from gently saying 'I found nipple shields helpful while the damage healed' and 'the tongue tie snip (today) will totally change feeding for the better'. I just feel almost like it's equiv to marathon runner collapsing with cramp a metre from finishing line. You want to run to them. To carry them over that line. And not boo from the sidelines thank you Kelly.

I think the worst part of it is that I fleetingly thought give me that baby let me feed her.

Tiktok I do feel a little better now though. I'll approach it gently when I see them next.

Tiktok -very eloquently put.
Kelly - weird? Really?

Street - I felt sad in restrospect for my eldest sister. She was first to have babies and my mum wasn't at all supportive of bfing and I think influenced my sister. She never tried and was very much ewww when I breastfed ds1, since I had ds2 and dd her stride has changed and she wishes she had tried.

My close fiend ds has just weaned aged 2.5 and felt a bit sad for her as its an end of a stage. I also felt happy for her too of course.

Thank you mama.

I suppose it's so many emotions when a new baby comes and when you do love the people concerned! Do I care how Jen down the road feeds her baby? Not particularly (aside from general society public health type wider issue if really pedantic!). But do I wish sis could have enjoyed a lovely bf journey with her daughter. Yes.

From the other side of this, breast feeding was very painful for me too, and I think my son may have been TT. I was sad to stop breast feeding, but stopping did mean I could enjoy life with my little boy more, without him being underfed, hungry, crying, and me in pain. We all had a much nicer time when the breast feeding stopped, though I did feel guilty for a long time.

So I would say don't be too sad for the baby or your relative, if mummy's happy the baby will be happy, and if stopping makes her happy and her life with the newborn more enjoyable then it may be for the best. Look on the positive side of things.

Your not the only one,

I felt sad for my sister who tried but failed to feed both of her's. She managed to feed her first untill 4week's and her second untill 2 week's.

But the biggest thing I feel sad about is not that she stopped but that she never reciveced any proper breastfeeding support which actually may have help her carry on. Espically as she wanted to feed them both. I may have been able to help the seconed time round as I'd had my traning but we live over 200 miles appart. And as I learn it's really hard to actually help someone your already close to.

I felt sad just reading your post.

I feel sad when I read about people stopping bf'ing because they haven't had the right support (if any at all) from partners, family and external parties like HV, MW, bf workers. It could have been me stopping but I had lots of support and got through the pain with the help etc.

It is 'normal' to feel what you are feeling and shows you have compassion and lots of love for your family and niece.

Would be hard to offer to bf but can see why you think it. I would have loved to donate milk to a milk bank but wasn't allowed due to having a blood transfusion

mama,
yes it is weird to feel sad purely because someone makes different choices to you. fair enough if the person really wants to breastfeed but cannot and is sad themselves. But if it is just that they do not want to bf yes it is weird to feel sad. If she wants her baby to have breastmilk and she brings this up then I would say to her that you are happy to express extra (if she wanted to breastfeed herself she might feel upset at another women breastfeeding her child), but I would not bring it up if she does not mention this.

astreet
I've been thinking about your post for a while now umming and arhhing about if i should respond.

I hope you don't mind me sharing.

Several of my school friends gave birth around the same time as me. 2 of them have not been able to breastfeed. I feel sad for them because I know both of them wanted to. I also feel sad that we wont have the shared joy of breast feeding our little ones together.
Secondly most of my NCT group stopped breastfeeding at 6 months and i really miss the contentment of us all feeding together. I can only imagine this feeling would be amplified if it was family. I don't doubt that you have the capacity to love and care for your niece no matter what decisions her parents make.
You mention in an earlier post about offering to feed your niece. I think this is a kind and generous offer and if you think that both your brother and sister in law would see it in this light you could offer.

Kelly - I think it's even sadder that you keep saying its weird. Sad for you.

I understand, astreetcarnamedknackered.