Upset

[astreetcarnamedknackered]

I cant discuss this in real life.

I'm upset that my DSIL has decided to stop bf my one week old niece. This is no judgment re ff/bf. I just need to know if others feel similarly upset re nieces/ nephews/grandchildren.

Some people can't BF, or find it so difficult or stressful that it is actually to their and their baby's detriment to attempt to continue.

My DD threw up every single drop of breast milk I fed her. She guzzled and digested formula. Guess what? I was overjoyed.

Overjoyed that my DD was finally feeding without doing her or me any further damage.
Overjoyed that I didn't need to stress any more.
Overjoyed that this meant I had the energy to look after her and enjoy her and she was getting the energy she needed to grow.
And overjoyed that still 6-8 times a day in the early months we got to cuddle and snuggle and bond whilst she fed. Bugger the fact she wasn't feeding from me, she was feeding in my arms and I cherished every single moment.

If you'd been my SIL and had decided to wallow in your own self pity and be all "sad" for me and my DD, well, you could have taken a running jump. Just be pleased that your SIL has her baby and that they are finding a path in those very tricky early days that suits them.

And sorry, even though it is your SIL, it is actually none of your business.

Its your right to feel upset just as its your sils right to feed her baby how she wishes. You have every right to your feelings but don't kid yourself that you're not being judgemental.

Oh for goodness sake....why all this over-the-top defensiveness and irritability?

No one here has suggested that anyone who is happy and/or relieved to be ff needs anyone to feel sad for them.

The cases described so far have been where people wanted to bf, and found that the experience was painful/unrewarding/unsupported/stressful and where they stopped bf reluctantly.

It's not 'weird' or 'wallowing in self pity' to feel some sisterly empathy and share the sadness when this happens to people we care about. How insulting.

I understand streetcar. My dsis felt sad when I gave up breast-feeding. She felt sad because she knew I had wanted to breastfeed and for a number of reasons, it just didn't happen for as long as I wanted it to. She felt sad because she loves me and knows that I was struggling to both breastfeed, and also, to make the decision to top. I love my sister for feeling sad.

Tiktok - because as soon as some women see the word "brrastfed" they are already up in arms to take whatever offence that could remotely be construed. I find that aspect sadder still.

And my friend who recently stopped said in a text how much she liked texting me about stopping feeding her ds, as most peoples attitudes are "it's about time" and don't understand what a. If thing it is.

You know what, it's a big unacceptable emotion isn't it, being sad if someone else stops breastfeeding.

Firstly, I think it is perfectly legitimate to feel sad if someone close to you is sad. That isn't about ff or bf or anything more than simple human compassion.

But secondly, if you breastfed and think it was marvellous and you had a lovely time and are really glad you did, I think it can be ok to be a little bit sad when others give up, or feel they have to give up, or have to give up, or whatever. It's rather like I imagine vegetarians feel about meat eaters - a little bit sad that other people aren't doing it they way they do. Now I'm a confirmed carnivore, but I don't have a problem with them feeling a bit sad that I scoff steak! It's a natural human emotion that if something was great for us, we want others to share the experience. It's a similar feeling that drives evangelism on religion, for example.

What that doesn't ever, ever excuse is anyone being mean, or judgemental, about anyone else's choice. As adults we can feel an emotion but realise it is about us not about the other person and find the correct path to support them. We can feel a bit sad that our choice was not right for them, but at the same time recognise that (for any one of a million reasons) it might not be and we don't have the right to impose it. That's why it's sometimes good to let the emotion out well away from the person concerned!

ps. I meant to say, I have also had friends who formula feed saying that they have felt sad for mothers who can't have their DP do a share of the night feeds, so the 'sad' bit can cut both ways - as you would expect with such a personal choice!

I agree, it's never right to be judgemental and hopefully the OP won't let this feeling of sadness show. Sounds like her sil tried but didn't get the right help.

"I have also had friends who formula feed saying that they have felt sad for mothers who can't have their DP do a share of the night feeds"

I have never understood this. I wonder why they would be sad? I think there's a massive difference between feeling sad that a baby is not able to have the milk it is better off having (and breastmilk is better and is the normal, usual, right food for a baby) and a dad being able to give a bottle. Did dad's feel left out or unable to share before bottle feeding became so poular, were their lives ever upset changed by the fact that they couldn't do a feed? Unless you mean they felt sad because the mum had to wake more often to feed her child?

Yuleing - I think they meant sad bf-ing mothers had to get up more!

I understand how you feel but you might be suprised why.I FFed my first two DCs (my first from birth by choice and my second from almost birth by choice!) I am now ebf my 3rd DC,8weeks.

When i read threads like this in the past i would wonder why people felt this way as i never realised it was such a contentious issue and a bit annoyed because i felt it was none of their business. (also deeply upset with myself as i realised i had made a mistake)

Now i am Bf'ing however,i understand why people feel sad because for those who have a lovely experience (which i have had so far) i can see why people feel that loved ones/friends are missing out on something that can be so lovely and rewarding especially if they wanted to do it in the first place.

If a mother didn't want to to start with then i think feeling sorry for her and/her baby is an emotion best hidden as it becomes judgemental and only causes bad feeling.

Offering to feed her baby would be a lovely gesture but i would tread carefully as it may just make her feel even more of a failure.

Or perhaps she is happy with her decision and it is one she wanted to make?

I know exactly what you mean. DN isn't born yet and SIL is not planning on even trying to breastfeed which makes me sad. I also felt as if I wanted to give her mine, so I understand you feeling this way.

Thank you so much for your posts. It's a relief to know that others have felt the same way. I would clarify a few things if ok for those who have taken my post in a slightly defensive way.

First, I would never dream of offering to feed my niece. It was a fleeting urge, and one which I feel every now and then when I hear a baby cry (cue wet bra!). I did donate milk to scbu and I found it to be rewarding but would never offer to feed another woman's child unless asked.

Second, I absolutely will be giving my sisl a big hug when I see her, as I always do. I don't plan on raising the feeding issue, but if she wishes to talk about it I will be nothing but supportive: she is a great mum, these things sometimes don't work out but look, i was ff from a couple of weeks and IM A GENIUS! .

She had a lot of help with feeding Tt picked up on in days and snipped on seventh day. That was the day she decided no more. I suppose I conclude that she gave it a shot but was not particularly committed. Again, no judgment but part of me wishes she could have stuck with it, had support from her mum (ff'd her three and finds it ew), and been less bloody minded about accepting help (my brother's words not mine). As my DH said you can lead a horse to water...

There is definitely an element that I wish she could have had a better experience and to have enjoyed a longer bf journey. I also wish my niece could have benefitted from her mummy's milk. I don't see how that is judgmental.

I think I understand how you feel. I also think it's great that you are able to discuss your feelings online rather than in RL. You aren't wrong to feel the way you do IMO, we can't help our feelings can we? I felt sad when a close friend of mine had an EMCS, because I love her and I wanted things to go the way she wanted them to, equally she cried for me when I got wheeled away for my EMCS.

I've had problems BFing and I'm express BFing for my 3 week old. The first night in hospital of FFing (he had 3 days of it while I was dry) I cried my eyes out when he vomited so hard that it came out of his nose, I felt hugely inadequate and guilty that me not being able to feed him had made him sick. No one in RL knows how badly I felt not being able to feed him. The day that my milk ran dry I felt like everyone MIL, DP, MW's and nurses were grabbing my boobs and telling me to feed this screaming baby. No one was paying any attention that I had been feeding him for hours on end with nothing coming out, it wasn't until he had a temperature spike that they suddenly decided he needed feeding and what I was doing wasn't working. I felt so sad about it that if anyone were to tell me that they felt sad for me and for him then I think I'd physically hurt them. I can understand why my DP, my MIL or best friend may feel sad for me but for now they'd have to keep it to themselves because emotionally I wouldn't be able to handle their feelings about my problem. Does that make sense?

I'm sure you're a very nice person and very fond ofyour family, but this is honestly the oddest thing I've read on MN in a long time.

You should be focusing on celebrating a new life and supporting your family, and enjoying the baby, indulging in entirely mis-placed sadness. You know what? It's not your baby, and they're not your nipples. Reserve your sadness for babies that are unloved or neglected.

*NOT indulging, obviously.

Aye: I think your post nearly made me cry! Sometimes one of our greatest assets of sisterly affection and concern can get the better of us. I would never say 'poor you' to sisl more 'you have done an amazing thing! You grew that beautiful baby! Just think, daddy can feed her now and you can have some well deserved rest!'

I would certainly never say how I felt yesterday afternoon. Remember, my brother is 'gutted'. His words. I love him and feel for him so sadness came from that too.

But, moving on, I can't wait to see my niece again she's so beautiful!!

Thanks scarlet.

You have no idea about my circumstances or that of my family. My feeling sad for ten minutes yesterday and seeking some arms length support is no indication of the utter joy we have all felt at my niece's safe arrival and new place in our hearts.

Astreet, I have only just notice this is not in AIBU - it had popped up on Active convos (I would have no reason to look in this topic!).

I would not have commented at all otherwise, and certainly not so abruptly. I do think it a little odd, but this is not the place for me to say so. I apologise.

I'm sure you wouldn't say anything inappropriate, it's awful watching people we love have a hard time. It can be hard to keep our own feelings under wraps in order to be supportive but that's what we do for each other in RL and sounds like you're a fab SIL.

Enjoy seeing your niece :)

Ayear: why did I think your name was aye-er-overdue? I'm not even west country!

Scarlet: not to worry.

You're right I didn't ask was I BU but rather 'has anyone else felt this way?'. Perhaps I AM BU but then when emotions run high we can all be guilty of that. Reason does indeed fly out of the window!

mama,
It is weird to get upset and feel sad ebcause peopel make different choices to you. As I said feelign sad and upset for them, if they are sad and upset about it if it was soemthign they wanted to do is normal. But if someone makes an active choice not to bf their own child, or to bring them up differently to how you bring up your dcs then yes you are an odd person if you get upset about it.

She had a lot of help with feeding Tt picked up on in days and snipped on seventh day. That was the day she decided no more. I suppose I conclude that she gave it a shot but was not particularly committed. Again, no judgment but part of me wishes she could have stuck with it, had support from her mum (ff'd her three and finds it ew), and been less bloody minded about accepting help (my brother's words not mine). As my DH said you can lead a horse to water...

That sounds very judgemental, almost as if you ahve been discussing how she should have tried more with your DH, and discussing how she should have been more accepting of help with your brother (it is not nice of him to refer to his wife as bloody minded to her sil). I hope this is not the case, but if it is does SIL know you have discussed this with her husband, and DH ?

kelly, you don't recognise how judgmental you are being, then, with your accusations of weirdry and 'odd' and asking if the OP's SIL knows about her private conversations with her DH? (WTF???) You're even managing to judge a husband wishing his wife was less bloody-minded about asking for help, and sharing that with his sister.

I will explain it again.

It is not 'judgemental' to enjoy an experience, to find it worthwhile, and to have happy memories of it, and feel 'sad' that people we care about have not had that experience, through a variety of reasons (OP details lack of support from the grandmother; lack of committment to the idea of bf; reluctance to ask for help). None of this sounds like a mother who was keen to 'make an active choice to' formula feed from the start and who is relaxed and comfortable with her choice, does it? It sounds like someone who wanted to breastfeed, if not desperately, and might have done so, if things had been different.

You're so keen to brand someone who cares about this as 'weird' and 'judgmental' you are sounding 'weird' and 'judgemental' yourself :)

Ask yourself why?