My first RL experience of just what an emotive subject this is...

[Miaou]

Just been to a baby massage class run by my health visitor (lovely person btw). There were five of us there, and I was the only breastfeeder - when I started to breastfeed ds you could hear a pin drop and I swear I could feel the guilt in the air! Immediately the conversation went round to how each person had tried (and failed) to breastfeed, or why they chose to bottlefeed - I felt really sad that all these people felt they needed to justify themselves. Also I felt unable to make any positive comment about b/f in case I came across as holier than thou or like I was rubbing it in. What a minefield. When I had the dds about half my peer group breastfed; I guess the proportion is much lower here .

Jabberwocky, so for you.

For what it's worth, my own impression of the email is not that she wants to lecture you- she sounds (to me) a bit wrapped up in her own bfeeding experience and doesn't really "get" that she's being tactless.

Sometimes self-absorbed people need things to be spelled out for them - eg maybe you need to just put your foot down and say that the topic is off-limits. End of story. You've tried to help her to understand your feelings and she still doesn't, so, best to cut your losses I think.

Hopefully as time passes and other parenting issues crop up, you'll find you have more in common and will enjoy her company more?

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gemma97 I just wanted to say that your post made perfect sense and in fact just gave me little windon right back into those first few post natal weeks. your experience is I think very very common and I think your post is very balanced. I hope it did help to write it down. Many people on here can absolutely empathise and will not be judging you.

JW, really feel for you I am absolutely fuming with a friend of mine who is insisting on sending email lectures to our very close mutual friend (37 weeks pg, she has had lots of complications with her pregnancy and has also been told by various medics and consultants that she will prob never breastfeed due to her milkducts being problematical) about the virtues of breastfeeding if she sticks with it etc etc...My close friend is already feeling dread and guilt if she can't breastfeed and was already determined to try.
This all only serves to perpetuate a Mothers already substantial guilt over a very emtove subject.

Well, here's what I sent back

"Actually, I did nurse [ds] as much as I could for 3 months, but with him going back and forth between bottle and breast he started slapping me on the chest with his fist when he nursed and eventually just refusing the breast altogether. Maybe it would have been different if I stayed at home full time. I'll never know.

I won't bring it up again as it's just too hard to explain to people. I wasn't trying to say that it was somehow easier for you in the beginning, i know it wasn't. You may not realize it, but you mention how easy it is to nurse him almost every time we have a playdate. I was just trying to bring that to your attention because I know that you don't mean anything by it but it does upset me, sometimes for the rest of the day."

And then her reply

"I guess I always say that because I feel like people are wondering why I haven't weened him yet, and I feel like I always have to explain. Everyone always ask when, when, when, well I don't know when and I don't want to feel like I should have to rush it if it is working for us, but I sure feel like everyone including my husband wants me to stop, so I am on constant defense of why I am still nursing. Anyway, I didn't mean to make you feel bad - won't bring it up again either."

So, I guess it's as Pruni said, everyone has their own issues about it and buttons that get pressed. She is nice, and I think we've managed to get this out without damaging our friendship in any way. I just so wish that it wasn't even necessary to talk about it. Dh can't figure out why it's still such a problem for me, and sometimes I can't either!

jw..sorry you still feel bad. Reading it,I really think that all she is trying to say is that she had it tough too (although obviourly that jars with her RL comments.)

I'm another one that probably seems smug and judgemental (to some!!) but I had a really shit time for weeks. Couldn't even stand up straight with clothes on for a good week as my thrush was so bad.

I think it's more about how you feel about unresolved issues,rhather then her tbh. Have you thought of phoning the ABM to talk it through??

0870 401 7711

Maybe even doing some voluntary work for them (which they always need) or making a donation (or to somewhere like Baby Milk Action) might make you feel better.

Are you likely to have another baby?

You are being so so hard on yourself my love.

XXXXXX

Thanks, moondog. I know you're right, I have talked about this with my therapist and she is having me do exercises (cognitive behavior therapy) to try to get through the grieving process about this and the birth trauma. It's all so intertwined!

Dh and I have been tentatively talking about another baby. I am going in next week for a consult on it as I did have several pregnancy complications with ds. So, keeping fingers crossed about that. I am beginning to think another try will be the only thing, but then, it may not be an option so I have to keep that in mind, too.

Really feel for you JW.

Have to say i fall into the same category, so to speak, as your friend and Moondog too - had such a nightmare with thrush at the beginning and now DS wont take bottles cups or solids at 6.5 mths. I often get comments about it and from my DP about "still" b/fding.

I hope it works out for you
x

Thanks guys. I do feel much better for offloading. We all have a really tough job, however we feed our babies! My best mate has a 3 week old and is at rock bottom. She is still managing to b/f and is havind a hell of a time. I am doing my best to support and encourage her and I tell her she is doing brilliantly ....she has already managed to keep going 5 times as long as I did so I think she deserves a medal!

I keep telling her useful stuff of this site since she doesn't have time/energy to read it herself and then I start thinking, surely I could have done that.......except I couldn't......

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