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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

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Original poster

16 month old, 4-day wedding ceremony and pressure to give up bf!

68 replies

mollysmum82 · 29/08/2010 11:24

Aaargh I think it says it all in the title!

My best friend has asked me to be her chief bridesmaid for her wedding in a few months time. I'm flattered to be asked and she has been a good friend to me in the past but I'm still bf my daughter (who will be 16 months at the wedding) and I'm struggling with the logistics.

The wedding venue is in a city four hours from our home. It all begins with a bridal shower on the first day (day and evening event, basically a ladies booze day, strictly no kids allowed). Then on the second day its the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner (wedding parties only). On the third day its the wedding itself (friend won't allow kids in cathedral but will allow only mine to wedding breakfast). Then finally its a post-wedding bbq on the day after, everyone welcome (whoo!)

So basically there's no way I'm ending our breastfeeding relationship for this (I want to bf till dd's 2 or has self-weaned) and to be honest I'm not all that crazy about being away from her for such a long time (she'd go crazy too!)

I told my friend I might not be able to do everything/come on my own and she said "its really important you're there for me for everything. You're my chief bridesmaid. Are you not going to have stopped bf by then, surely its time you switch to bottle?" She has no kids herself yet so I guess its hard for her to understand.

So I could ask DH to take 2 days leave off work and bring DD with us to the venue city so I can still see her and can continue her feeds. But that would mean not only paying for the hotel for the wedding night, but getting a hotel on the first night and two hotels on the second night (as my friend wants me to stay with her the night before the wedding). This would cost us somewhere in the region of £500 which we just can't afford at the mo with me being a sahm.

Do you think my friend is being unreasonable? Do you think I'm being unreasonable trying to structure this around dd's feeds? After all, everyone around me has stopped bf and thinks I'm crazy!

Any advice would be really appreciated! xx

OP posts:

ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave · 29/08/2010 11:30

It is perfectly possible to take four days off from bf at this age and pick it up again -- I had to go away with work for 4/5 days at a time on a couple of occasions at this point with DS (went on to bf until he self-weaned at 38 months).

But if you don't want to do that, it's perfectly reasonable for you to say to your friend that you'll have to turn down being her chief bridesmaid as you don't think you can be there for her enough over the whole four-day period because of your family commitments.

ragged · 29/08/2010 11:33

I don't think this is about breastfeeding. It's about not wanting to be away from your LO for most of 4 days. Your friend is the one who has made the series of events both "essential" for you to attend, and yet so child-unfriendly.

Could you skip the Ladies' Booze day, you come with your husband for the rehearsal day, stay that night and wedding night at the hotel (only 2 nights), and come back after the BBQ finishes?

Asking 4 days almost exclusive access of anyone for a wedding seems a lot to ask, Maid of Honour or not!

TheCrackFox · 29/08/2010 11:38

You have every right not to be away from your DD for 4 days. I think a 4 day wedding celebration is narcissistic in the extreme and I am sick of bridezillas thinking people want to dedicate their precious holiday leave and a bag of cash to worship them.

Could you maybe do 2 days and leave some expressed milk?

Original poster

mollysmum82 · 02/09/2010 16:04

Thank you for your suggestions everyone. I'm so glad its not just me who thinks its unreasonable. I will offer partial participation but I don't think I'll get a favourable response!

OP posts:

belgo · 02/09/2010 16:09

Totally agree with thecrackfox. Just go for the wedding day itself.

GruffaloMama · 02/09/2010 16:24

Ditto belgo and thecrackfox (amazing name by the way). Alternatively, is the venue city near the bridezilla blushing bride's family? Could your DH and LO stay at one of their houses? Would mean you could participate in more but not that your DH/LO are stuck in a ridiculously expensive hotel etc.

Agree too that I'm sure your supply would be fine with a four day break (though I'd take a pump for comfort reasons). But I think the main issue here is someone expecting you to spend four days away from their toddler. Mental. (Not that there's anything wrong with that if a parent WANTS to do it and they're not leaving their DC in a cage, but to expect someone to do it is plainly daft.)

greenbananas · 03/09/2010 00:38

Completely unreasonable to expect your LO to deal with this - and your LOs needs are more important than the needs of ANY adult, bride or not!...

Bless her, your friend will possibly be soooo ashamed of herself when she has a LO of her own... can you possibly explain to her that breastfed babies do not accept this kind of thing lightly?

AngelDog · 03/09/2010 18:44

I'd say expecting someone to go and stay 4 days away with them even without a toddler in the picture would be unreasonable. My DH wouldn't be best impressed if I had a friend who insisted on something similar, even if we didn't have a DS!

I'm with TheCrackFox on this one.

Pannacotta · 03/09/2010 18:52

Am also with TheCrackFox. 4 days is completely OTT even if you arent breastfeeding.

Offer to do 2 days max., even that is more than enough IMHO (am not a fan of long, convoluted weddings)...

Sassybeast · 03/09/2010 20:49

How bloody dare she suggest that you should be giving up ? That in itself would be enough to make me decline her offer of being bridesmaid I have no advice for you - I wouldn't consider going for the four days under any circumstances!

NonnoMum · 03/09/2010 20:53

Yay to Crackfox.

Shaz10 · 03/09/2010 20:56

Ah, come on Sassy, it's an innocent daft question asked by someone who doesn't have children. Cut her (just a) little slack.

jellybeans · 03/09/2010 21:01

I wouldn't go. I wasn't bf still at that age (wanted to but DS self weaned at 11 months) but even so would not have left him for 4 days, no way. I would only attend the wedding.

People started commenting on my bf from 6 months. My own family joked 'bitty' or 'you will still be feeding him at 18!!' I just ignored them or laughed it off.

4 day wedding is far too much. I would decline, matron of honour or not. if you loose a friend so be it, unfortunately. I have lost friends who were selfish and I don't really miss them to be honest.

Yes she is getting married but that does not mean she doesn't have to consider others. i don't get these Bridezillas. When i got married I considered all guests (children were welcome) as much as my own wishes as i wanted everyone to enjoy it and feel special. It was never my way or the highway!!

Habbibu · 03/09/2010 21:03

Good Lord. That's some wedding. Is your friend in fact a film star?

muslimah28 · 05/09/2010 18:29

'wouldn't your baby be on a bottle by then?' ??? well,why don't you just leave her at home and tell her where the bottles are and leave some clearly written instructions next to the steriliser?? that should sort things out!

alternatively take your LO along and let your friend look after her for the four days!

alittlebitshy · 05/09/2010 18:35

Er, your friend won't let children in the Cathedral? er she can't ACTUALLY do that.

that was one of many unreasonable things that stuck out to me.

i think you are so so NBU and i would personally decline.

I am bfing my ds still (2 yrs) and i have managed 2 night away but found it uncomfy even with the use of my double electric pump, so from that point of view you also won;t be happy even if you were keen to do this.

silly friend is all i say. very selfish too:(

Original poster

mollysmum82 · 07/09/2010 11:16

Thanks so much for these lovely messages of support/mutual annoyance! I really appreciate it and you made me laugh! I felt so selfish not wanting to go so its so nice to hear I'm not the selfish one!

Well I took a deep breath and told her! I just said dh and I had thought it was a bit long to be away from my daughter for at such a young age (didn't make it about breastfeeding!) and that my dh would struggle to get the time off work. I also said we couldn't really afford 4 nights in a hotel. I apologised and said that I wouldn't be able to be involved in everything and said if she wanted somebody else to step in I'd totally understand. I said I could do the rehearsal and dinner so I would be with her the night before the wedding. I suggested even bringing my daughter with me to the city for the days building up to the wedding so that I could still see my friend and do some of the things with her.

I shouldn't have bothered, she went mad! She said my baby wouldn't be welcome for the days leading up to the wedding and said why couldn't I just ask my mother/sister-in-law to look after her if dh couldn't get the time off! She said I'd need to go away and leave dd at some point so me and dh would just have to get used to it. She suggested I start to leave dd more between now and the wedding to give her time to get used to it!

All this was via email luckily, otherwise I don't think I would have been able to contain my anger! I must admit I was tempted to tell her to stick the whole thing, but like I say we have years of history which I guess I shouldn't through away.

I just need to keep reminding myself she doesn't have kids so she doesn't understand...but I'm really struggling to not be furious about this! In a way her reaction has made me feel less guilty about not being able to do everything.

Thanks again everyone x

OP posts:

Original poster

mollysmum82 · 09/10/2010 02:01

OMG it just gets worse. She said in her last email that she thinks OH is a tyrant who never wants me to see my friends...and she asks if my lack of commitment is something to do with my MIL! I wish I wasn't the only one of my friends to have kids. I do love her...but please give me permission to say F OFF! This is all my fault for being too nice and not standing my ground

OP posts:

theboobmeister · 09/10/2010 07:29

Good grief mollysmum how dreadful your friend sounds!

I always like to think the best of people, so let's assume that one day she will have kids of her own and will then give you a huge grovelling apology for her monstrous behaviour.

In the meantime, of course you can and should tell her to F off, firmly and with dignity. Given she has insulted your DH, questioned your friendship, told you to prioritise partying over the emotional needs of your 1 year old child, and cast aspersions on your parenting and your marriage, I think the moral high ground is called for!

zookeeper · 09/10/2010 07:41

stick to your guns Mollysmum - she is being beyond selfish.

hairymelons · 09/10/2010 07:50

Poor you, she's behaving very badly indeed. I am the only one out of a particular group of friends to have children. A very close friend got married last year. Due to distance, DH's work commitments and a hundred other practical reasons, it meant leaving then 17mo DS with my folks for 3 days. I hated it of course but it was my choice to do it- if I'd wanted to bring DS they would have bent over backwards to accommodate because they have the imagination to understand that you can't demand that someone leave their child for any length of time!

Is she now expecting you to change your mind?

I was still BF too btw and had no problems with engorgement or supply when I got back.

DinahRod · 09/10/2010 07:52

How are you going to respond?

Tootlesmummy · 09/10/2010 07:55

Are you still going and being her chief b'maid?

strawberrycake · 09/10/2010 08:21

For some perspective, I ff and I wouldn't want to leave my child for that long.

KaraStarbuckThrace · 09/10/2010 08:27

I'd refuse to be her chief bridesmaid. I don't think not having kids herself is much excuse for putting her emotional needs before that of a baby. I didn't have kids when I married, and I understood why SIL didn't want to come to our wedding (2 hours from her home) with a 4 month old, I did say the baby was welcome but it was the travelling which put her off, which I thought was fair enough!

Selfish cow. You have my permission to tell her to fuck the fuck off. 4 day wedding my arse, what is she royalty?

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