16 month old, 4-day wedding ceremony and pressure to give up bf!

[mollysmum82]

Aaargh I think it says it all in the title!

My best friend has asked me to be her chief bridesmaid for her wedding in a few months time. I'm flattered to be asked and she has been a good friend to me in the past but I'm still bf my daughter (who will be 16 months at the wedding) and I'm struggling with the logistics.

The wedding venue is in a city four hours from our home. It all begins with a bridal shower on the first day (day and evening event, basically a ladies booze day, strictly no kids allowed). Then on the second day its the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner (wedding parties only). On the third day its the wedding itself (friend won't allow kids in cathedral but will allow only mine to wedding breakfast). Then finally its a post-wedding bbq on the day after, everyone welcome (whoo!)

So basically there's no way I'm ending our breastfeeding relationship for this (I want to bf till dd's 2 or has self-weaned) and to be honest I'm not all that crazy about being away from her for such a long time (she'd go crazy too!)

I told my friend I might not be able to do everything/come on my own and she said "its really important you're there for me for everything. You're my chief bridesmaid. Are you not going to have stopped bf by then, surely its time you switch to bottle?" She has no kids herself yet so I guess its hard for her to understand.

So I could ask DH to take 2 days leave off work and bring DD with us to the venue city so I can still see her and can continue her feeds. But that would mean not only paying for the hotel for the wedding night, but getting a hotel on the first night and two hotels on the second night (as my friend wants me to stay with her the night before the wedding). This would cost us somewhere in the region of £500 which we just can't afford at the mo with me being a sahm.

Do you think my friend is being unreasonable? Do you think I'm being unreasonable trying to structure this around dd's feeds? After all, everyone around me has stopped bf and thinks I'm crazy!

Any advice would be really appreciated! xx

Well its all over now and my conscience is clear!

I just wanted to thank everyone for talking/ranting it over with me for the last few months!

I was tempted to tell my friend to sack the whole thing off after being appalled at the way she'd behaved. But I tried to take a step back and see things from her point of view, having not had kids herself and with this wedding meaning the world to her. I tried to remember all the times we'd shared laughing and crying at uni and thought did I want to throw all the memories away?

I decided one night away from my toddler would be okay (and I was ready for it) but no way was I being apart from her for four days. I spent the whole day with my daughter on the Thursday (the first day of the ceremony), gave her the last feed of the day then drove 3 hours to the bridal shower venue. I stayed for a couple of hours then drove back for 2am in the morning so I could be there when my daughter woke up in the night.

I really should have listened better to you all. I turned up with a big smile and a hug for my friend, armed with her bridal shower gifts and ready to get excited together about the wedding... but she was in an awful mood all throughout the evening and barely spoke to me. I think she was punishing me for doubting whether I'd be able to come. I really didn't want a medal for coming but a simple thank you would have been nice!

I spent the whole of Friday with my daughter again, before getting the train over for the rehearsal and dinner in the evening. I just kept saying to myself "just a few more days and that's it, your duty is done!" (although my husband did practically have to force me out the door, I was so pissed off!) I wanted to tell my friend how she'd made me feel about the whole thing but she was so stressed about the wedding I didn't want to add to it.

I stayed with her that night (and didn't have to pay for it in the end thank goodness) and we spent the wedding morning chatting with the other bridesmaids, getting ready and drinking champers. I must admit it was nice to feel like a normal person again but not just a mummy. My friend had decided my daughter would be invited to the reception (but not the cathedral part of the wedding!) as long as she was carried out during the speeches and if she cried! If she hadn't been invited to any of it I would have had to have sacked the whole thing off.

When my daughter and husband walked into the hotel I was overcome with emotion (and in bloody pain having not fed her for twenty four hours!) I did the photos and then I went upstairs to feed my daughter. Apparently my friend was pissed off that I "disappeared for hours" (15 minutes)

Another thing that wound me up (oh God this is turning into a rant again now sorry!) was my husband and baby were sat on a different table to me. But as promised she was carried out whenever she cried so'd not to disturb the bride....

When in came to my daughter's bedtime she was quite upset, being in a strange place and not having seen me for a night so I thought "fuck it!" and just stayed in the room with her. I was probably letting my friend down by not being there at all from 8pm but by then I was just completely frazzled and wound up by the whole thing.

So like I say my conscience is clear. I think (I hope) I've done everything I can for my friend without being detrimental at all to my daughter. Part of me feels like a complete mug for all this and makes me not want to continue the friendship. But that's better than feeling guilt I guess!

Well I just wanted to give you all an update on everything since you were all so lovely leading up to it all!

Bloody hell I just re-read that and it was definitely a rant...sorry! ;)

Your friend sounds like a right eejit. Mind you, I think anyone who has a FOUR DAY WEDDING is a right eejit, before they start expecting all and sundry to put their lives on hold, forget all other obligations and spend such a long time kissing the bridal bum.

You have clearly taken the moral high ground and behaved reasonably way past the point where I would have told her to fuck right off. You did the right thing by putting your daughter's needs first on the day and if she DARES reproach you with this, I think the time may have come for a few home truths...

Best case scenario is that once all the fuss has died down and she has to get used to living in the real world again, she realises what a total prat she has made of herself.

Unfortunately I think many parents have the experience of 'friends' not being able to cope with the necessary changes that you have to make to accomodate a baby in your life. You may have a lot of history together but this is who you are now - if she can't cope with that, maybe you can't really be friends any more.

Yeah thanks Grumpla, I totally agree.

I think the problem is, from her point of view:

• she has been my best friend for years
• she was there for me for my wedding (albeit a ONE DAY affair)
• her family (who also have kids as she pointed out) have flown over from the States to be at the four day wedding

...so I'm just the bad best friend who has let her down

But I guess I need to stop thinking of things from her point of view, move on and realise not all friendships will last.

I know she is your friend but she sounds like a right arse.

Wow, I just read the whole thing from the beginning and think you were bending over backwards for your friend - she sounds completely unreasonable .

And just because her family came over and left their children behind, doesn't mean everyone feels that way. Due to circs, DS was nearly 3 before I left him over night (he'd stopped bf by then), it's something you do when you're ready.

Well done for getting through it, and I hope your friendship survives.

It makes me so thankful for my best friend - I was her bridesmaid when I was 30 weeks pregnant with twins (some people will do anything to look skinny ). My friend invited me to everything, but regularly checked I was ok with attending things, and offered to make all sorts of adaptations to the day in case I was tired (more than I needed, I was surprisingly capable).

I hope that you can forgive your friend for her lack of understanding, and that your friend realises the lengths you went to in order to be there for her. Perhaps this will happen when she has children of her own one day.

Wow, you've been incredibly nice and your friend has been incredibly
unreasonable. As an indication of how unreasonable, here's what
happened to me at a couple of weddings early on with DS.

Wedding 1 (DS 6 weeks): asked friends if all their elderly rellies would
be ok with me BF. Reply: If any of them aren't, I'm sure we can find a broom
cupboard for them to sit in.

Wedding 2 (DS 3 months, I was matron of honour): bride spent more of her
time looking after me than worrying about herself, groom's mum cuddled
DS during reception to allow me a chance to eat, bride's mum (who's
rather shy and wanted a bit of time out) came and chatted to me in the
hotel room while I bathed and settled DS. Actually this bride had what
I thought was a great attitude to weddings - she texted me to say "have
decided to get evening dress from high street store for wedding, and
spend money on a piano instead - do you think this dress will do?"
My reply: "yes, now, what sort of piano are you thinking of?" (Both of us
get much more excited about climbing gear and mountains than we do about
dresses).

Those wedding are how it should be, celebrating with friends for whom friendship is a 2-way street.

I think you did the best possible thing given the circumstances. I think you must be a very, very good friend ( I was worried about leaving my EBF DD for more than 3 hours for a wedding!) and I think when your friend has children she will have a much better understanding and perhaps will even feel remorse for being so demanding such a spoilt brat.
Don't feel guilty. You know she is in the wrong and the more you pander to that the more she will play the 'boo hoo woe is me card'

Having recently been a bride, I really have no idea how she even noticed you were gone for 15 minutes when presumably she had couple photos to pose for, guests to greet etc

I was a bridesmaid for my friend when my baby was 5 months old. She was brilliant. I nipped off to feed when it was needed and I can honestly say we were all okay about it. Your friend sounds like a bridezilla and at the end of the day a 4 day wedding it totally unreasonable anyway. Why can't people just have a few hours FFS.

Can't wait until she has children...

I know women like this.

Without exception when they have a baby they immediately become the only person who has ever had a baby and will expect everyone to bend over backwards to accommodate whatever nutty routine/fad they have adopted for this miracle infant's necessary welfare.

She WILL expect her baby to be invited to weddings. And will let it scream throughout the ceremony.

She will NEVER acknowledge her bridezillaish behaviour on this occasion but will look at you as if you're a knife-weilding maniac if you suggest she be separated from her infant for more than 5 minutes before the age of 3.

[baffled]

OP, you are a saint for not planting a dirty nappy in amongst the wedding presents. She sounds unbearable.

I take it the reason you know she was pissed off about you going off for 15 mins after photos is that she fed this information back to you via bitchy remarks to other mates? Classy.

Well done for being so grown-up about this. If she pushes it any more though, I would ditch her.

Aaah you all cheer me up no end

You were fantastic - your friend doesn't deserve a friend like you, you put yourself our enormously for her, and she didn't seem to show a bit of gratitude!

Still it is all over now :)

Lol you won't be cheerful when you ask her if she wants to come for lunch in a couple of years and she tells you they can only come if you eat at 11.30am because that's when pfb eats and s/he needs to be back in her own cot with the blackout blind drawn at 1.30pm sharp.

Agree with all that has been said here molly - she doesn't deserve you.

No doubt she'll be crashingly depressed now all the hype is over and done with - but don't you put up with any of her whining. You have done more than enough!