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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

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Original poster

16 month old, 4-day wedding ceremony and pressure to give up bf!

68 replies

mollysmum82 · 29/08/2010 11:24

Aaargh I think it says it all in the title!

My best friend has asked me to be her chief bridesmaid for her wedding in a few months time. I'm flattered to be asked and she has been a good friend to me in the past but I'm still bf my daughter (who will be 16 months at the wedding) and I'm struggling with the logistics.

The wedding venue is in a city four hours from our home. It all begins with a bridal shower on the first day (day and evening event, basically a ladies booze day, strictly no kids allowed). Then on the second day its the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner (wedding parties only). On the third day its the wedding itself (friend won't allow kids in cathedral but will allow only mine to wedding breakfast). Then finally its a post-wedding bbq on the day after, everyone welcome (whoo!)

So basically there's no way I'm ending our breastfeeding relationship for this (I want to bf till dd's 2 or has self-weaned) and to be honest I'm not all that crazy about being away from her for such a long time (she'd go crazy too!)

I told my friend I might not be able to do everything/come on my own and she said "its really important you're there for me for everything. You're my chief bridesmaid. Are you not going to have stopped bf by then, surely its time you switch to bottle?" She has no kids herself yet so I guess its hard for her to understand.

So I could ask DH to take 2 days leave off work and bring DD with us to the venue city so I can still see her and can continue her feeds. But that would mean not only paying for the hotel for the wedding night, but getting a hotel on the first night and two hotels on the second night (as my friend wants me to stay with her the night before the wedding). This would cost us somewhere in the region of £500 which we just can't afford at the mo with me being a sahm.

Do you think my friend is being unreasonable? Do you think I'm being unreasonable trying to structure this around dd's feeds? After all, everyone around me has stopped bf and thinks I'm crazy!

Any advice would be really appreciated! xx

OP posts:

EauRouge · 09/10/2010 09:19

Absolutely, tell her to fuck off. I've never understood why some brides behave like this, surely a wedding is about throwing a big party for your friends and family, not making everyone pander to your every whim and for 4 days!!! I'd just tell her that her plans are far too inconvenient for your family and that's she's been very insulting to your DH and your DD's needs.

LilRedWG · 09/10/2010 09:27

Stick to your guns - you have offered a fair compromise. She is being selfish and rude.

LilRedWG · 09/10/2010 09:30

Actually, the comment about your DH and MIL is bang out of order.

Panzee · 09/10/2010 09:30

My son is 14 months and is on cow's milk. I wouldn't leave him for 4 days either. Especially after she went mad at you.
In fact I'd be tempted not to go at all after that, but I'm quite churlish. :o

LoveBeingAMardyBum · 09/10/2010 09:33

OMG Whether she has kids or not what a horrible way for her to behave. tbh I'm not sure I could get past that. Dont reply any further.

HumphreyCobbler · 09/10/2010 09:34

tell her that you are putting the emotional needs of your baby before her emotional needs

tell her that when/if she ever has children she will be extremely ashamed she ever said such things to you. I do not usually think you should say stuff like this to people, but she needs to understand.

refuse to discuss it any further, you do not have to justify your decisions to her

plantsitter · 09/10/2010 09:40

Ooh this has enraged me and it's absolutely nothing to do with me!

I would send her a very level headed and patronising email saying that you don't want to fall out with her about this and you understand that she won't fully understand this until she has her own children, but that she is being very selfish. And that it's not a question of choosing between DH/MIL and your friend but about what you want and your baby needs. And if that means you don't come to the wedding at all, so be it.

And then you could throw in a 'fuck off and stick your 4-day vanity-fest up your arse' for good measure!

PoorlyConstructed · 09/10/2010 09:44

To be perfectly honest, this isn't even about the emotional needs of your baby (important though they are).

Your friend would be completely unreasonable to demand that everyone devotes 4 days of their time (and bucketloads of money) to her wedding. Indeed, she probably expects even more of your time in the days running up to her 'bridal shower' so you can pander to her every unreasonable whim help her prepare. It would be unreasonable to expect anyone (with kids or not) to devote that much time to you. She's an adult so she should understand that everyone else has lives and jobs and other priorities.

Add to this the fact she's been abominably rude to you... If I were you, I'd just email and say I wasn't coming at all.

PoorlyConstructed · 09/10/2010 09:47

And I'd explain exactly why I wasn't coming.

The wedding can only be awful, if she's behaving like such an egocentric wanker about it. I'm sure your toddler is more mature and empathetic than she is right now!

Beveridge · 09/10/2010 09:48

Wow.

You couldn't make this up.

Bfing aside, DD is 16 months now and I wouldn't leave her for that length of time and she has regular overnights with grandparents, aunty etc. (in fact, is on one now, hence MNing at breakfast!).

This isn't an issue of a childless person who doesn't get it, this is someone who is clearly far too wrapped up in her own self-importance.

And I speak as someone who stipulated no children to our wedding (we would have had over 20 tinies there otherwise and we felt it would have created bad feelings to have made exceptions), but it was a normal 2pm-1am (ahem!give or take a few hours!) affair.

We were well aware that it might mean that because of this, some people would not be able to make it and indeed a couple of people couldn't come because of childcare issues. But we didn't fall out with them!

LoveBeingAMardyBum · 09/10/2010 09:49

Funny how your not desperate to dump your dh and child to be her slave for 4 days

PoorlyConstructed · 09/10/2010 09:49

You could add a link to this thread in your email, to indicate that it's not just you who thinks she's ventured so far up her own arse she's lost any sense of perspective.

Are you sure you want such a megalomaniac for a friend at all?

Beveridge · 09/10/2010 09:54

In fact, if my chief bridesmaid was willing to be as accommodating as you were prepared to be,by having your DH take time off, etc., I'd be so delighted that I'd be paying for ALL additional hotel bills and expenses.

DinahRod · 09/10/2010 09:55

Have a feeling from what you've written that you are a far nicer person than me. I'd veer between wanting to email YOU ARE A LOON or just maintain an icy silence over the interweb.

How about resigning from the part? Tell her it's a far bigger production than you have got time to commit to, and hopefully this gives her time to cast someone for the role who can fully immerse herself. You look forward to the DVD.

SolidGoldBrass · 09/10/2010 10:04

Yes, definitely say you can't be her chief bridesmaid, retain the moral high ground by saying 'I know you need someone who can really commit to the role, how about [suggest another friend who you either know will be up for it or who you want to punish for something )'

skidoodly · 09/10/2010 10:04

I was going to say that by 16 months you could probably have a break of a few days without any effect on the bf relationship, but that really isn't the point.

I hate when people tell you you need to be ok with leaving your baby when you don't feel ready. I thought I'd be off on weekend breaks with nary a backward glance, but actually dd was 15 months before I spent a night away from her. I've seen mothers in tears because well-meaning relatives bully them into leaving a baby when their gut is telling them it's too soon.

Aside from that, you don't get to demand 4 solid days of anyone's time. That has nothing to do with children.

RandomMusings · 09/10/2010 10:42

crikey

nowt to do with you and all to do with her

and as someone said, you cannot stop anyone going to the catherdral

(let us know which one, the time and date and we'll rock up with our tiddlers*. mwa ha hahha)

*joke. well a half-one

POFAKKEDDthechair · 09/10/2010 10:46

how many people is she demanding spend four days with her to celebrate her wedding? Because if you're the only one, you should point that out. If you're not the only one, I'm astonished that other people are willing to give a four whole days to it. It is narcissistic in the extreme. I find it astonishing that people can make these kinds of surreal demands on their friends and family just because they are getting married.

POFAKKEDDthechair · 09/10/2010 10:47

And as for no children in the cathedral, I'm afraid that's not her rule to make.

narmada · 10/10/2010 12:04

Oh dear, she sounds totally unreasonable. I don't think it's relevant she doesn't have kids - she just sounds a bit precious and selfish to be honest. I think the crackfox had it spot on in her earlier post...

Georgimama · 10/10/2010 12:22

Hopefully when the Bridezilla fug has cleared from her brain in about three months she will be completely aghast at how menkle she has become.

In the meantime, send her an email saying "I love you but you have gone MAD" and explaining that you will be doing as you have suggested i.e coming down for rehearsal dinner and that's all. Let her decide what she wants to do - hopefully she'll sack you. But don't give in. I refuse to believe everyone involved is up for devoting four days of their lives to this primadonna and her fantasy wedding.

togarama · 10/10/2010 13:19

Wow - what a total nutjob. How on earth has she come to be so divorced from reality?

Four days for a wedding is a ridiculous waste of time and money by everyone involved, just to begin with.

Expecting you to merrily leave your small child for that period of time is ignorant at best and callous at worst.

I've turned down 3 hen dos this year (all weekend-long hotel stays, miles away from where we live) on the grounds that I didn't want DD to be without me for several days at time. She's 20 months and still BFing morning and night but I'd feel the same way if she was FF. I work full time so it's not as though she sees me full time every day. The time we do have together is very important.

You have been more than reasonable in your offer of a compromise. If she continues to press this, I would politely resign from the bridesmaid role. It's only a wedding.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 10/10/2010 13:20

I am amazed she has anyone agreeing to come to her wedding!! What is a rehersal dinner - not rehearsing the wedding dinner surely!!? (I don't think I even had a rehersal come to think of it, hence my ignorance).

3littlefrogs · 10/10/2010 13:32

Dh and I organised our own wedding, including a rehearsal dinner and accommodation for all the people who had to travel a long way.

I didn't expect my bridesmaid/maid of honour to do anything other than join us for the dinner, and come along and support me on the day.

It really is ridiculous the way some people have to turn weddings into pantomimes. I blame the media (grumpy old woman emoticon)

This bride sounds unhinged.

3littlefrogs · 10/10/2010 13:34

Rehearsal dinner is a meal and meet up for guests who have had to travel a long way and therefore arrive the night before the wedding

It is just to make them feel welcome and give them a chance to settle in and relax,.

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