failing to BF and devastated - Help

[ninaandbean]

My LO is just two weeks and three days old and I'm failing to breastfeed. Its been one giant disaster since day one, I keep trying to persevere but it's not working and I feel horrible, really truly devastated. It's like it's the one thing i thought I'd be able to do for him and I can't :( I've been expressing exclusively for four days now, and my supply has dropped from 70ml per express to less than 10. I can feel my breasts are empty and I just want to scream with frustration.

LO was two weeks early after a v difficult pregnancy. I was badly affected by SPD while preggers (on crutches and unable to walk/sleep/work) so had to take codeine at the end of the pregnancy. This put LO into withdrawal after a horrible delivery, we had emergency forceps in theatre and I was terrified by the whole thing. He was too sleepy and then too sensitive to feed for two whole days, so was supplemented by formula in hospital. Then we spent three days with him jaundiced, basically nibbling my nipples but not feeding. I ended up not just cracked but with open weeping bleeding raw nipples and my milk failed to come in :(.

After a week of that, he had a tongue tie cut and I tried shields, so we could feed but it was agony and I wasn't healing at all. To top it all off I got mastitis. My HV told me to give myself a break, to heal, and just express for a few days which I have reluctantly done, but now my milk is drying up, he won't feed from me, and when I've tried to latch him back on it's still agony. I've gone from sobbing at every feed because I'm scared to put him on and in huge pain, to sobbing from guilt from not feeding him BF.

Has anyone else gone through this? I feel ashamed, embarrassed, really upset and disappointed that I can't seem to get this right. I just want to feed my baby but I feel like on top of everything else, months of pregnancy pain and a horrible delivery, now I just have months of more pain ahead of me trying to establish breast feeding... or, I can give up. But if I give up and just formula feed him, I will feel like the worst mum ever. Is this normal? i know hundreds of women just FF and their babies are fine, but I can't seem to get over this and move on.

I'm sick of crying and feeling like such a huge failure, it's stopping me from enjoying being a mum. Then to cap it all off, I feel like I'm letting him down by being an emotional wreck on top of not being able to feed him, and putting him through withdrawal and everything else!

I know I'm being hard on myself but I just can't get over it. Help

Hi congratulations on your little boy.

I found BF difficult in the first few weeks but nothing like what you're experiencing.

I know a lot of mums who've switched to FF and yes they felt guilty at first. However ultimately it was the right decision for them.

I think you need to speak to someone about your labour experience as from reading your post, I get the feeling that you feel guilty about it.

You are doing a great job. You will do a great job as a mother. How you feed him is only a tiny part of that in the grand scheme of things.

Take one day at a time. Perhaps give one of the breastfeeding helplines a ring as they can talk you through this, particularly how you're feeling. NCT number is 0300 330 0771. They are fab - I've used them myself. I spent the first few minutes on the phone crying! But it felt good to get it out.

Hi nina Congratulations on your lovely baby!

It sounds to me like you could really do with seeing a breastfeeding counsellor. The NCT helpline that Igglybuff gave above is great and they will be able to point you in the right directions. As far as I know they don't make a charge. They can also let you have details of a local bf support group who will be able to help you too.

It is possible to restart the feeding if you have had to stop for a little while, the bf counsellor will be able to help you with this.

It's tough I know, lots of people find it really difficult, but you sound really determined, so with a bit of support (which you will also get on here btw) you will be fine!

I meant to say also, I know what you mean about being afraid of feeding because of the pain, and the guilt, too... I felt so determined to bf I knew I wanted to do whatever it took, yes, it's perfectly normal!

By the way I am pretty sure the nct line is 24 hours, and 7 days so call them now if you like!
x

I would recommend you see a breast feeding counsellor.

LLL or NCT all offer a good service.

I too had a tough start with a rough pregnancy, traumatic delivery and sleepy, jaundiced, bruised baby. I had weeping nipples, mastitis, blocked ducts etc.

I am still bfing at 3.3 years.

You need to see a breastfeeding counsellor and to deal with the delivery. In that order.

I found going through my notes (you should be able to do this with your midwife or contact PALS at the hospital) helped enormously. I have also had counselling for PTSD.

Congratulations on your baby.

It is possible.

You poor poor thing. You could be describing my experience with dd1. I struggled through to 4 weeks, hating & resenting every moment, utterly miserable. I started being terrified of her being hungry because feeding was causing me too much pain. Soon someone will come along with good advice on how to establish feeding from here and I really hope that it works for you if that is what you want to do.

However I just wanted to give you an alternative perspective in case you choose to stop. I did stop breast feeding completely at 4 weeks and I have never regretted the decision. It helped me to establish a much better relationship with my daughter & to recover from the birth (in my case c-section). Although I agonised about the decision and felt like a failure before stopping when I actually did stop all I felt was an enormous relief. Everyone who knew me knew that I had done everything I could to establish feeding & no one judged. I only ever felt I had to justify myself to strangers, which is a bit odd actually. And although this is probably the last thing you are thinking about at the moment I went on to establish an excellent breastfeeding relationship with dd2 who I fed for 11 months.

You have not failed your child, you have put yourself through a huge amount to breastfeed him, you have given him all that early important milk. You have faced up to and dealt with enormous challenges. You should be very proud of yourself whatever you choose next.

You are not letting him down, far from it. You're doing everything you can to be the best mother you can be.

The transition to motherhood can be really hard for some of us. I had a very hard time with breastfeeding at the start too (not as bad as yours) and had a period of just expressing too.

You need to see a breastfeeding counsellor. It really will help.

Also keep posting here - you will get great support from the women on these boards. BFing is not that easy at the start for lots and lots of it. Knowing that other people struggle with it can be reassuring and people will offer great tips of what worked for them. Also there are a few BF counsellors that post here and they are amazing, hopefully one will be along soon.

What worked for me in a similar situation was something recommended from here - babymooning (terrible word, but good concept). I took to bed for a day, just me and my baby in bed naked. I fed/tried to feed her all day long and also rested, which really helped.

I also rang every single person I knew who had breastfed and talked to them. It was SO reassuring, I can't tell you. Eventually one of my aunts said the same thing as everyone else, but in a way that made sense to me.

It's not too late to turn things around, even if your supply is dropping. Also remember that what you can express is not necessarily an indication of how much is available to the baby.

You're doing great, you really are. It will get better. 2 weeks in is REALLY tough. Your hormones are all over the place, you're exhausted and overwhelmed.

Arrange your life to prioritise rest for you and getting enough to eat. Ask your DH for help with this. Your job is to sit under that baby and try to sort out feeding, and also to watch him and learn about him. Everything else is his job.

It will get better. I promise.

Sorry, x-posted with all the people who did come on with good advice!

You are not letting your baby down. None of this is your fault. Well done for trying so hard - you are almost certainly going to be a very loving and fantastic mum!

The phrase "if I give up and just formula feed him, I will feel like the worst mum ever" makes me think that you most definitely need to speak to a real-life breastfeeding counsellor. The National Breastfeeding Helpline is 0300 100 0212. Okay, so if you end up formula feeding, it's not absolutely the end of the world, but there is every chance that you will be able to breastfeed successfully if you get the right support.

Good luck

thank you so much for all your replies. I'm crying reading them - definitely have hormones all over the place as well as being super tired! I have been feeling so alone. I will try another breastfeeding counsellor, before I totally give up. My HV is coming again tomorrow to check on me and maybe she can help.

I've been to a breastfeeding group twice, the first time they gave me shields, the second time they tried to help me latch him on but I was just sobbing in pain and couldn't do it so they told me to make a decision to either rest or stop. I felt really confused and stupid - I think I need to speak to someone else cos the woman who was showing me how to latch him just didn't seem to help and got a bit cross with me, I felt silly and left after a 40 minute attempt at feeding, only to go home and give formula anyway.

I think I do have some strong feelings of guilt and upset over the pregnancy/birth experience too, I was shocked by the birth and spent much of the pregnancy trying to grin and bear it and not let on how painful it was. I think I'm struggling to let go of that attitude as well - that somehow if I can just grit my teeth and get on with it, it will be ok - which is miserable.

It all came to a head today when I tried to put him back on again, on the advice of a BF counsellor, to start a relactation routine of 20 mins each breast, 60ml top up each feed plus 10 mins expressing each side. I managed about 7 mins each side and he wasn't sucking, just chewing and crying. I was there crying, he was crying and when my DH came to check on us I just blurted out how much I hate BF and dont even want to do it anymore - then completely disolved into more tears cos I felt so awful for saying that. Talk about an emotional rollercoaster. I can't even begin to see how I can manage to do 40min-an hour feeds AND express to get back on track when I can't even get him on for a few minutes at a time. So many people have tried to put him on now as well, that I have totally lost sight of good v bad advice.

Right... deep breath, I'll express today, just try to relax, call LLL and wait for my HV to talk it over tomorrow. I'll let you know how I get on.

BTW thank you for pointing out that FF isn't the end of the world, I really need to hear that and start to believe it because no matter how hard I try even if I get back to basics he's going to have a lot of formula for a while :( I know i am very lucky that he is healthy and here, and doing well. Formula is the reason he's not losing weight and unhappy so I have to be grateful to have the option at least.

Nx

Bless you! Sounds like the breastfeeding advice you have received is very strange. It's okay to feel ambivalent about it but breastfeeding should not be painful and will not be painful if you get the right support. Let us know how you get on tomorrow

Please don't let the way you feed your baby, whatever it ends up being, ruin these very precious first few months. Be kind to yourself and stop beating yourself up. Whatever you do will be for the best of reasons - feeding your baby shouldn't make you cry.

Hi

Formula feeding certainly is not a terrible thing. I had a similar experience with my first and hated BF as a result. I had my 3rd child 10 days ago and he went straight onto formula. I have one very happy baby as a result. In fact all three of mine were formula fed. All very happy and healthy. If you are not happy with BF its your decision to carry on or not. I say its not worth the upset. You will make the right decision that suits you and your baby. Don't beat yourself up. Best of luck x

Ninaandbean

Once again I'm moved to tears by somebody's struggle to breast feed following an unpleasant birth. I was there and know exactly how you feel. It's terrible - just when you feel you should be so happy, too.

People here have all offered some great advice imo. I just wanted to add something about exclusive expressing.

I tried to breast feed my dd for months and was truly devastated when it didn't work out (still am tbh). I ended up exclusively expressing for 14 months (no lactation consultant round my rural neck of the woods and a very overworked HV). It is possible to long-term exclusively express if that is what you feel is right for you and your baby. Not that there's anything wrong with ff (again, it's a very personal decision).

Please, if you do want to continue expressing (be it for days, weeks or months), have a look at my blog. Really, it's there to help anybody who finds themselves in the situation I did.

There are ways to increase your milk supply (tiger's milk, fenugreek etc) which might help you get through this rough patch.

Really wish you all the best with whatever you choose to do and, of course, congratulations!

Nina, I have been through something very similar with dd1 and I did have to stop bf in the end as I was too sick to carry on. It was tough but the only thing I could have done; however I then beat myself up about it for - well - until I had dd2 and bfed her two years' later.

Then I realised something...there is the hypothetical baby for whom bfeeding is best, and then there is my baby. And, for dd1, bfeeding wasn't the best option. However guilty I felt, I still bonded beautifully with dd1 - after I stoped bf and the physical pain of having her anywhere near me had stopped, too.

Good luck. xxx

I could be wrong, but it sounds like a bit of nipple confusion. I know how ill you can feel with mastitis and tired from a newborn. Has anyone suggested cup-feeding rather than bottle feeding? It takes a bit of practice and feels time-consuming, but it might just help if you really do want to continue to breastfeed. My ds1 had tongue-tie and it took him about 3 months to learn to suck properly. It was seeing breastfeeding councellors regularly that helped me (I found most midwives and h/v totally unhelpful in their techniques or knowledge!)

The difficulty with a baby not succling well is that the pain increases, and then you tence up so that the let-down is held back and it becomes an un-helpful experience.

I failed to express at all, so I ended up doing some mixed feeding with my ds1. But soon was encouraged to stop formular by bottle. The bottle just pours the milk down and the baby has to make very little effort to get the milk. Breastfeeding takes effort from the baby, and some babies learn very quickly that if I yell I will get the easy method again! Cup feeding will help with the tongue tie issue, to encourage your baby to extend the tongue sufficiently. (it is like a cat lapping up milk).

If you really want to continue trying to breastfeed then I would strongly suggest you switch to cup feeding for any expressed/formular milk. I know it is painful to put the baby to an extremely sore breast, but it will be necessary if you want to continue. I found the psyching myself up for each feed. I also kept a promise to myself after each failed feed that if the next one was any worse I would stop trying to breastfeed and give the bottle. But by knowing that I could switch when I wanted to it kept me going, and very gradually I started getting more feeds that were ok and less that were awful.

One other thing that helped me, was being told I did not have to do both breasts each feed. I would feed on one breast one feed and the other one the next feed. This gave longer for each breast to recover and really helped me.

I really hope that if you want to continue that you get the hand's on help locally from a breastfeeding consultant soon.

IF you want to stop, then just go for the formula. Do not feel guilty about how you are feeling.

Hi nina, you need to stop beating yourself up about this. One question I want to ask you is this.
Why are you feeling bad/guilty about doing what is necessary for your child's survival?

FWIW, I was only able to BF for 2 months and did feel guilty for not BF longer but, if I had insisted on EBF, my DS would have starved. DS's survival meant more than guilt.

So whatever you choose, just think SURVIVAL. You go for it lass.

Ninaandbean - please go easy on yourself.

It sounds like you've had an incredibly tough time.

I couldn't breast feed simply because I had no milk. The midwives had me breastfeeding eight hours a day because they said I needed to try harder. My lovely GP when I gave up said that within a very short number of weeks the baby would have had 90% of the benefits of BF. If you can keep going for one or more feed a day great, but if not, honestly your baby will thrive ...

By the time I'd had my third, they let me out even after three days in hospital though he, like the others, had dropped 15% in weight due to my lack of milk on the strict understanding that I gave him formula as well.

A little time ago I ran into a midwife who had looked after my middle baby who screamed through the night from being hungry because I had no milk. She told me about a colleague midwife whose milk hadn't come in. Sigh. Not everyone can. Like fertility, pregnancy and births it's a lottery.

Your his mum, you will do all that you can for him. Enjoy these precious days. Get some sleep if you can and eat lots of cake. It will get easier.

We're here to help if you need us.

You are definitely not the worst mum ever. You are most probably very caring and loving - the fact that you are still persevering when most people would have given up says heaps about you and you should really be proud of what you have done already.

What HVs fail to say is that most people struggle. I actually don't know anyone who has said it is easy or painless to begin with.

My advice to you is to try and relax, take each day as it comes and also get as much help as you can.

Definitely call the NCT helpline (I found it really helpful just speaking to someone about the problems I had) and use mumsnet - there are so many people on here who know so much and will give you encouragement.

Also, if you end up bottle-feeding it isn't the end of the world. You really have done your best and that is the important thing.

And do come back and let us know how you are getting on!

The bf counsellor you saw seems to have given you some very odd advice. I thought they didn't recommend shields (which I actually used for 3 months very effectively). Many HVs don't have much bf training at all. I am a bit shocked to be honest that you didn't get more support from the bf group, maybe the nct helpline or LLL can suggest somewhere else? Our lovely local BF counsellor also does home visits so perhaps that might be an idea, so you don't feel rushed, and are in a more relaxing setting?

ninaandbean - you are doing so well! To struggle so much and still keep trying is a credit to you and shows what a lovely mum you are. I had a bad time trying to establish bf and I know I wouldn't have been strong enough to carry on with it if I had as bad a time as you have.

I second skidoodly's idea of taking to bed with your ds for a day or two. Lots of skin to skin contact, cuddles, tea and cake. Painkillers for your poor nipples and breasts and something like Lansinoh for your nipples to give that little bit more of a barrier. Aside from giving your milk supply a boost, it is lovely to just have some time with your lo focusing just on eachother and some much needed rest!

And remember that ff your lo, even when you wanted to bf so much, is still a valid option! I was ff and apart from a pretty serious cake addiction I turned out quite normal and healthy (much more so than my bf brother and sister btw!)! And I didn't even have the benefit of a teaspoons worth of bm.

Whatever happens, whichever way you decide/have to go please, please, PLEASE be kind to yourself! Your ds needs a happy mummy much more than he needs bm!

Oh, yes, and it isn't 'failing' to bfeed.

You either do, or you don't. There's no 'failure' involved.

I fell so sorry for you - and it sounds like you are being so brave and trying so hard. I had a horrid delivery and DS was not interested in BF. I managed to express a it of colostrum which was pippeted in to him. I could express no more. After that, the paed advised formulas as he wasn't doing well. He took formula easily and thrived. Yes I didn't feel great about it but I believe that I did what was best for my baby. Now he's 2.6 and a huge healthy monster of a lad.. Please don't let your BF ruin this special time with your new baby! Good luck with whatever you decide to do xx

It is so hard to get everything right and really hard when it doesn't go to plan. It's hard enough already so try not to be hard on yourself. You obviously love your baby and this is the best thing he could have. Quote from another thread this week - "Feed him with love with every sip he drinks, whatever that may be."

You could look at seeing a Homeopath to help you through the emotional overload of having a new born and all the feelings you have about the pregnancy, birth etc. Also, have a look at more milk plus. It helped me increase my supply. There is lots of info to google about it.

ninaandbean, you situation sounds similar to mine with DS1. I had a traumatic birth and then got really bad advise about DF and then my nipples became a bloody mess and i got thrush. it got to the point that it was far too sore to BF any longer and i cried and cried but could not carry on any longer. when i first gave him a bottle of formula i cried and thought i was poisoning him but nearly 2 years later i have a really healthy boy who looks no different from a boy who was breastfed. (infact one of my friend's little boy was breast fed for nearly 2 years and has an egg allergy and excema) I'm not saying FF is any better than DF but IT's NOT the end of the world. Once i got over my initial disappointment i became happier and my DS was happier and that is all that matters. I don't regret giving up and FF as he is such a happy and healthy boy.

BF is bloody difficult and you are not a failure if you can't do it - there is always next time to try it again. I have just had my 2nd baby and have managed to do it this time round.

I hope my message makes you feel a little better, it's such a overwhelming time when you have your first baby and hormones added to the mix don't help. good luck with whatever you decide to do and remember whatever you do will be best for you and your baby. all the best.