failing to BF and devastated - Help

[ninaandbean]

My LO is just two weeks and three days old and I'm failing to breastfeed. Its been one giant disaster since day one, I keep trying to persevere but it's not working and I feel horrible, really truly devastated. It's like it's the one thing i thought I'd be able to do for him and I can't :( I've been expressing exclusively for four days now, and my supply has dropped from 70ml per express to less than 10. I can feel my breasts are empty and I just want to scream with frustration.

LO was two weeks early after a v difficult pregnancy. I was badly affected by SPD while preggers (on crutches and unable to walk/sleep/work) so had to take codeine at the end of the pregnancy. This put LO into withdrawal after a horrible delivery, we had emergency forceps in theatre and I was terrified by the whole thing. He was too sleepy and then too sensitive to feed for two whole days, so was supplemented by formula in hospital. Then we spent three days with him jaundiced, basically nibbling my nipples but not feeding. I ended up not just cracked but with open weeping bleeding raw nipples and my milk failed to come in :(.

After a week of that, he had a tongue tie cut and I tried shields, so we could feed but it was agony and I wasn't healing at all. To top it all off I got mastitis. My HV told me to give myself a break, to heal, and just express for a few days which I have reluctantly done, but now my milk is drying up, he won't feed from me, and when I've tried to latch him back on it's still agony. I've gone from sobbing at every feed because I'm scared to put him on and in huge pain, to sobbing from guilt from not feeding him BF.

Has anyone else gone through this? I feel ashamed, embarrassed, really upset and disappointed that I can't seem to get this right. I just want to feed my baby but I feel like on top of everything else, months of pregnancy pain and a horrible delivery, now I just have months of more pain ahead of me trying to establish breast feeding... or, I can give up. But if I give up and just formula feed him, I will feel like the worst mum ever. Is this normal? i know hundreds of women just FF and their babies are fine, but I can't seem to get over this and move on.

I'm sick of crying and feeling like such a huge failure, it's stopping me from enjoying being a mum. Then to cap it all off, I feel like I'm letting him down by being an emotional wreck on top of not being able to feed him, and putting him through withdrawal and everything else!

I know I'm being hard on myself but I just can't get over it. Help

Lots and lots of great help here for you.

I just wanted to say that if you do decide to FF, the guilt does go.

I bf'd for 10 days, we didn't get on very well with it (nipples in a very similar state to yours) and I had a blood vomiting incident that finished me off.

I felt SOOOO guilty, I really did. Then I looked at my baby who was full and content for the first time since she'd been born. And while I still felt guilty, her happiness now she was getting some proper food (even though I wasn't making it for her) made it far easier than I thought it would.

If I have dc2 then I will definately try again, but I'll be easier on myself if it doesn't work.

This is such a happy time for you and baby, however your little one gets their food, being fed and happy and content and with you is what is important for them.

ninaandbean, how are you doing today?

My ds is 5 weeks old, and we have been having a real struggle too - threads here and here.

Ds is our 3rd child, and after having failed to b'feed dd1 an 2, I so desperately wanted to bfeed him.

I am winding down the expressing at the moment, and gradually moving over to f'feeding completely. I feel pretty crap about it, but I know things will get better.
I remember feeding dd1 with a bottle after b'feeding had finished for us, and crying and feeling a sense of shame and failure, and suddenly realising that I was spoiling what should have been a precious time. After that I cherished snuggling up in bed with her, doing skin to skin, gazing into her eyes and feeding her in as positive and loving way as I could.

I don't have any advice, I just wanted you to know that you are not alone, and offer you a hand to hold if you need it. I really hope that if you want to carry on b'feeding that you succeed.

You should feel proud of yourself for having tried so hard.

Exactly, hazey. I bfed my middle one even though it was hard sometimes at the start - but I also had to stop bfeeding dd1 and ds and I now know the difference between 'it was a struggle but we got there' and 'no this isn't going to work out', and if it isn't right for you and your baby then it isn't.

There are so many other things that you can do to give babies an amazing start, the biggest thing being love them. Such a precious, precious time...and soon you will be weaning, and can make lots of lovely yummy food with the best ingredients you can find and afford. That is what I did, and it helped.

You're not a bad mummy at all. :)

fearlessformulafeeder.blogspot.com/ is a great site with friday "confessionals".

I'm expressing for my 5 week old son and I'm lucky if I get 50ml in 24 hours. He gets all that I have, what more can I do? Starve him in the name of principal?

We had an NCT breast feeding counsellor at our antenatal classes. Whilst she obviously recommended breast feeding, she was realistic and said for some people, for whatever reason, it just will not work out, and if this happens to you it is important to get on with enjoying your baby and to not beat yourself up about it. I thought these were very wise words.

Hope you're feeling better today. x

Hello, just wanted to add that I also got some barmy advice about feeding, expressing, topping up and then feeding. DD was not losing weight but not gaining it as fast as the midwife wanted.

I ignored it and just carried on. I also reported the midwife.

I had my share of problems and at one point was biting down on my finger whilst feeding because it was so painful. However, I did get through it, mostly through sheer bloody-mindedness.

Good luck: I would only add that breastfeeding does not automatically make you a good mother, so don't beat yourself up about it.

Ninaandbean, your fist post could have been me with DD2 (except that I was very lucky to have a straightforward birth).

I wasn't able to BF DD1 because my milk never came in, so was determined to try again the second time round. In preparation, I went on a breastfeeding course and to the clinic before she was born, but within a week of DD2 being born, I was in the same place - one split nipple, one very sore, then mastitis on one side, followed by bacterial mastitis on the other whilst still on antibiotics for the first! I went to the BF clinic three weeks on the trot, saw my HV and tried nipple shields.

In the end, it took a text from my best friend telling me that I was doing a fantastic job as a mother whether I fed her myself or not, to make me realise that I couldn't go on making myself ill. It was almost as if I needed 'permission' from someone to be able to give up.

I'm not suggesting you do give up - you have had lots of fantastic advice from other posters who know what they are talking about - but please do not make yourself ill over it.

hello guys, thank you all for your kind words and support. I am feeling less tearful today (slightly!) the HV hasn't come yet, but my DH and I sat down last night and had a proper heart to heart about the situation. He is starting uni in three weeks and went back to work today in the meantime. Its a time of lots of changes for us both on top of baby arriving, and he told me he has been really worried about leaving me with baby because it's been such an uphill struggle with feeding. I realised that not only am I making myself ill, and my DS is not getting the best of me when I'm like that - I'm also spoiling my DH's experience of fatherhood by insisting on doing something that is stressing us all out. However much it upsets me not to do it, it upsets them both too when we try to push on through DS voimiting back up my blood, crying through every feed and biting my own thumb while tears roll down my face to stop from pulling baby back off when we try. It's got to stop, and ultimately I have to be the one to let go.

So... with great sadness I am going to bottle feed and just make the decision to stop. I honestly don't have the energy or the support I think I need to dedicate myself to getting it right and overcoming the hurdles. Also, I think not knowing day to day if I'll try to put him on again next feed is half the problem, I'm on a knife edge every time he wakes up and we all need to relax - he's happy and healthy and full when I give him a bottle. DH gets to give him a morning bottle while I sleep. And most importantly, we can all start to enjoy having our beautiful little boy.

I feel like I'm going to grieve over the whole situation - it may sound dramatic, but that's the only word I can think of to describe how I feel - but will try not to let it get over the top. Ultimately, my mum said much the same as many of you lovely ladies - I couldn't have tried harder. And as long as baby is well, what have I got to complain about? I'll continue to express what I can, for as long as I can and give him one breast milk bottle a day if I can as well. Many, many women struggle and I have to stop thinking I'm hard done by because I'm not special and different and sailing through the whole 'having a baby' experience.

Dealing with the emotions from my pregnancy is going to be important too I think. The SPD pain meant I couldn't sleep for more than an hour at a time for the last 6 weeks prior to delivery - I was already so exhausted when he arrived that I think I've been a bit hysterical at times about getting it 'right'!! Giving DH a bottle and sleeping for 6 hours in one go has done miracles for me today. My mum is a pain control specialist and told me last night that I've seriously underestimated the impact of chronic pain on me, my hubby and my recovery from the birth. Even the midwives have been ticking me off and sent me to the doctor because they were getting worried about depression. I don't think I'm depressed, just very upset. But if that's the case, then its up to me to cry, be sad, and move on. I can't continue making everyone else feel terrible about being a 'failure' as well. Which, as many of you have pointed out, isn't true - my baby is here, and has been born healthy, and will thrive with love. Failing would be willfully starving him in a mission to do things only 'my way'.

I'm still worried about other people judging me, but really i know that's because I'm judging myself so I need to let go. I'll keep posting and let you know how I get on, I hope the feelings pass soon... if nothing else I will try and look forward to trying again next time. Although the way things have gone this time I'll have a hard time persuading DH to think about another! He was totally traumatised in theatre too and said there and then, never again. I don't think I've helped sooth his nerves since then either!! Still, back to today, and getting on with enjoying my lovely little boy. Who is here, and gorgeous, and hungry. So I'd better go warm up a bottle.

I'm looking forward to lots of lovely skin to skin and relaxing time. Will take your suggestions and spend a day in bed with baby Austin, take baths with him and make sure he is surrounded with happy mummy love. Because ultimately, that's what he really needs.

big hugs

aww nina, your post has just made me cry.

i'm not a huggy person, but please accept a very uncharacteristic/unmumsnetty hug from me.

take care x

Ninaandbean

Sounds like a good choice. I was v similar with DD1 - emergency forceps delivery etc. I tried breastfeeding but got to the point when I didn't want to see DD1 because all she wanted to do was (it felt to me at the time) bite me and I was in agony.

My mum talked me round to formula feeding when dd continued to lose weight and I continued to cry like a mad banshee. Now dd is 8 months old happy, healthy and secure in the fact that I am always pleased to see her!

Well done, Nina.

Yes, grieve is exactly right, not dramatic, in fact it is the very words that my hv used - she'd had to stop bfeeding one of her babies so knew exactly what it is like. You have to grieve for what you thought your experience of being a mum was going to be.

But, and I promise you this, your experience of being a mum will be better than you ever dreamed possible. It is beautiful. And you are so wise to enjoy it.

You may find that people judge you (I found some mums loved rubbing my nose in the fact that I couldn't bfeed and they 'bravely' did) but they have no idea of what it is to go through what you have, nor how awful bfeeding is when it goes wrong. Their opinion - anyone's opinion - doesn't matter a jot.

You are totally right that the only person whose opinion matters is you, and you know that you have done everything that you could and now made a powerful, brave choice to be the best mummy to Austin and do the right thing for both of you.

Enjoy your snuggly day,

Love spiritmum

ps Dh and I said, 'never again'...within a year I was trying for no 2 and we now have three .

nina your DS is lucky ot have such a loving mum. You have had a really hard time of it and yet you're still worrying about the impact on him.
You can still call a breastfeeding counsellor to talk you through your feelings and fears about stopping you know.

From a practical point of view, be careful how you stop. You say you're going to try to still give one feed a day, probably a good idea to make sure you don't get too engorged. Take all the advice - well fitting bra, express as you need to without stimulating your supply and watch out for any worrying signs.
And take your baby out to meet some friends and eat cake - that's an order :)

Nina

You have had a rotten time of it with a hard pregnancy. Austin was born early which in turn makes it much more difficult for him to learn to feed - my slightly prem sister was just the same. They only get the sucking reflex very late on.

I was one of the lucky ones and had a very easy ride - DD was born at 41 weeks, she was a reasonably big girl and just somehow came out ready to go - latched on as soon as she was put on my tum, looked about her, and went for it. We just kept repeating that and breastfeeding just got established without any difficulties at all. It was certainly no achievement on my part - just really a happy virtuous circle. It just happened.

Bfing really goes in cycles - if it starts off well and holds up for a few weeks, then you are away and it's great and dead easy. However, if there are hurdles early on and infections/sleepy baby - it is the precise opposite and it's a near impossible task.

You really haven't failed compared to other women. You have actually been running a hurdles race while they were ambling leisurely along on the flat!

So pls don't compare yourself to other women - those who appear to be bfing easily will have had a much easier ride than you!

So you get yourself rested love and get into the swing with FF with Austin. He will be FINE I promise and won't love you any the less.

Good for you!! Your son is very lucky to have a great and very together Mum and your DH sounds like he is a great Dad and fantastically supportive partner too!! Good luck!

It's a shame there are not any "bottle feeding support groups" but please try not to feel judged, there are lots of people who have been in your situation and breast is not always best (said from a pro breastfeeding person as you are!!) and is definetly not always a choice.

Nina I'm glad to hear you've made a decision and it sounds like the right one. Now you can enjoy your new son - the time goes so fast so get plenty of cuddles in now!!! (my DS is a mere 10 months but I miss the newborn stage already and it was tough!)
Looking forward to hearing your updates :)

Hi again Nina, I think you've made a good decision, this is going to sound really strange but although I felt dreadful at the time, I look back on my decision to stop breastfeeding with real fondness now because it really marked the start of being able to bond with dd1 properly. And also, although it can seem like milk feeding is the be-all-and-end-all when you have a new born, it really is such a small part of their lives, even by the time they are a year. Dd2 gave up bfing of her own accord then & now it all seems an age ago. She is 15 months .

Well done Nina for being so brave. Just thought I would mention that when I had DC2 recently, in hospital, there was no breastfeeding nurse, but an Infant Feeding Specialist.
BF is not the be all and end all.
Austin will get a routine much quicker, sleep through quicker and you can be certain he is getting all the right vits and mins!
By the way, now you are formula, get either Aptimil or Cow & Gate, as the scoop fits into the lid so you don't get sticky fingers!
Oh and I love tommee tippee bottles with the powder container that fits inside the bottle. Really useful. And if you buy one of those flasks to carry out and about, then the tommy tippee one is big enough to put home made food tubs in later on when you are weaning!
Big hug!

Hi Nina, your posts have made me cry! What a brave decision you have made, and I'm sure it is the right one!
TheFowlandthePussycat said exactly what I felt when I stopped bf - "I look back on my decision to stop breastfeeding with real fondness now because it really marked the start of being able to bond with dd1 properly."
Good luck!

Hi Nina, reading your posts brought back so many memories of the struggle I had to breastfeed my son. When after three weeks, I fianally accepted that I was going to have to formula feed, I like you, felt like a failure. But those feelings soon passed as my son began to thrive for finally getting the milk he needed! He is now a healthy, happy two year old who actually has suffered from less colds and illnesses than his breastfed friends (so far!)

In the begining I too was a bit concerned about the reactions from other people when I would tell them I was formula feeding until I realised I cared far more that my son was happy and had a full tummy than I did about the opinions of complete strangers.

You should realise just how strong you have been and that you are obviously a very loving and caring person. That is the best thing you son could ask for.

I think the shock of the effect a new baby has on your life hits the dads pretty hard too and suddenly not being able to solve the 'problems' a baby has can make them feel quite helpless. My husband found the first few months of our sons life incredibly hard and was convinced that we would not be having another child, but, two years on even he has changed his mind!

hi Nina, just wanted to say that although you feel all over the place you sound so full of wisdom and courage..
your ds is blessed to have such a great mummy.. enjoy your new family life and this precious precious time

Good luck with it all, Nina, your DS is lucky to have such a wonderful Mummy and such a supportive Daddy too.

And Austin is a lovely name!

Enjoy these early days as much as you can, they go so fast!

Nina, I have been thinking of you...how are you getting on?

hello bumpypaws (and everyone else), thanks for thinking of me! I'm doing ok. I've been wanting to come online for ages but had my MIL staying, and another round of new aunties and uncles on DH's side visiting. They all left this morning at last, and I'm finally home alone and have a chance to draw breath.

I feel very mixed today. I've had more very tearful moments over the past two days, but had to put my game face on for all the family who turned up this week. In a way I suppose it was good for me as I've just had to get on with bottle feeding and realise that if I was struggling on with breast feeding it would have been a much harder week to deal with. DH is back at work as well, so I am trying to focus on routine and enjoying our time together. Night feeds (when I've been able to get on with them!) are definitely better - I am actually getting some sleep at last which I can't complain about. He's on a fairly predictable 3 hour cycle almost straight off now he's eating full FF bottles and not fighting for every drop.

But I feel sad and strangely disappointed that DS is doing so well on bottles which I know is odd. I know I should be glad he's happy, clearly full and relaxed, but after all the drama and tears it seems so strange that I just give him a bottle and 20 mins later he's asleep and content... I feel a bit deflated that it's all so easy which probably sounds ridiculous. I can hardly expect him to prefer BF when it barely gave him enough milk each time. I think I'm just emotionally drained.

I've really struggled with sharing the baby this week too. I'm very close to my mum who has been up visiting a lot, and I get along with MIL just fine, but she's quite bossy (mum of four, grandma to seven) and arrived determined to 'help' which in reality means she's been commandeering the feeds and burping him 'properly' and even insisted on keeping him in the lounge one night to do a night feed despite me saying I really wanted him with me. DH doesn't help when she's like this... In the end she put him back in with me at 3am that night and I was instantly awake anyway. I realised he'd only had 60ml when I tried to settle him - half a feed - and he woke up barely an hour later for more. It all upset me and stressed me out but I felt completely steamrollered by her. I'm not good at setting boundaries with her at all.

AIBU? I know she's trying to help but I just don't want that kind of help - I already feel borderline useless re: feeding so I could really have done with a bit of space to sort things between me and DS ourselves in our new routine. Oh well, no harm has come to him and I know she means well probably I should be grateful. At least I stuck up for myself last night and refused to leave him with her again for the night, despite lots of pressure. I was up three times but I don't care, I feel like I am his mummy and it's my job. I was much happier doing it myself. Probably silly and maybe down the line I'll be wishing for help but I'm still finding my feet now and just didn't want any!

DS is adorable though and more than makes up for everything by being gorgeous :)

I'm still expressing what I can, usually between 6 - 8 oz a day. Not a huge amount but right now thats about two bottles worth a day, one morning and one night. I'm going to try and keep it up as long as possible but time will tell if that works out. Anyone who has exclusively pumped BM please share tips! I'd love to know how you get the most out of it, especially as I only really get 3-4 good opportunities to express a day (breakfast, lunch, dinner and last thing at night).

Mostly I'm worn out!! But I think that's pretty normal for a new mummy :) and hubby commented yesterday how lovely it was to see me smiing again. As did HV when she came to check on me, so I guess overall we've made the right decision. I've thought about calling someone to talk through my feelings (NCT/LLL) but I am afraid they'll tell me to go back to BF, and confuse me again. Will they really support me given that I've stopped? I still feel v anxious about it in my heart of hearts. And there is an unhelpful part of me that still thinks 'try once more' although I'm sure it would be a mistake to go back to square one... ahhh what a muddle in my head!! Reality is FF is working well and DS is doing grand. But I am less connected with reality than I should be!! Am I a bit mad??

Nina - please feel free to call a breastfeeding line. I am a bfc with NCT and we are well used to talking through feelings of sadness with mothers who are now bottle feeding - and feel, like you, pleased the pressure is off but regretful it did not work out. Just explain to the bfc that you know starting again is a theoretical option, but you know it's not for you.

You set the agenda.

The bfc may help you with ideas on how to preserve the expressing you're doing (if that's what you want), she'll listen and share ideas about setting boundaries with your MIL (that should be your DH's job - he needs to put his foot down) and explain that actually, some of the things that are lovely about bf (when it's going well, natch) can inspire you to do the same with ff..and that means you& being the one to feed, you sharing that closeness, you getting to know your baby through the feeding relationship. Feeding is a way of expressing and building a relationship, it's not just a means of getting milk into a baby, and that is the same for bottle or breast.

Family can support, but they should not be actually doing it, IMO. There are loads of other ways they can help, for goodness sake :)