Helping my daughter to love her hair

MotherOfRatios · 17/10/2022 11:53

absolutehush · 17/10/2022 11:48

My daughter doesn't like her Afro hair - I'm not sure why but I think it might relate to an incident at nursery/or people asking to touch her hair (which we shut down without fail). The incident at nursery has also been addressed but she's smart and internalises things.

I make sure she sees her hair in books/tv etc as much as possible and I try my best to take care of it but she's not happy.

Can anyone recommend anything really? Specifically I was thinking Afro positive storybooks but to be honest I'm a bit lost.

I feel so sad that she's 3 and already feels like this.

For me it was seeing my mum rock her Afro, how do you wear your hair OP?

that gave me the confidence that my hair was lovely etc and even as an adult I could wear my natural hair

Original poster

absolutehush · 17/10/2022 12:04

Unfortunately that's not an option - I'm white. Her dad is bald and her grandma relaxes hers.

I've taken a braiding course and her nursery have offered to have a staff member (who has an Afro too) to talk to her and maybe do her hair but she keeps flattening her hair down with water and asking for straight hair like the other girls.

I've also bought fun hair bands, clips, anything hair related that's fun (so many glittery unicorn clips) for toddlers but she hates it. I really feel like I've failed her.

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SirBlobby · 17/10/2022 12:04

For me, it was seeing family members with natural hair. Seeing celebrities and you tubers being celebrated for their beautiful hair.
Also, I hate to feel like I have to 'fit in' so I had a turning point at school when a girl whose hair I adored (she had perfect corkscrew curls, mine is corkscrew but had a lot of frizz as I was still learning) came to school one day with her hair wrecked by harsh chemical perms and straightened so she could be part of a girl group who all wanted straight hair (they were all white, she was black).
I thought, sack that. And haven't straightened it since.

It can be a journey.

Watch curly hair tutorials on YT etc? What does she want doing with her hair?

SirBlobby · 17/10/2022 12:07

Oh just seen that the family members isn't an option.
It's hard OP, and sad that she feels like this so young.
It's a journey but just keep reassuring her that she has beautiful hair.
Check the messages she has and correct people. I've had people comment to me that mine and DDs hair is great and aren't we lucky it's not a full Afro- I always correct and say that all hair types are stunning and if we had full Afro hair it would be fabulous. And that I have cousins and a sister with a full Afro. Tends to quieten them up and let's DD know that yes, people still judge, but that it isn't correct

Original poster

absolutehush · 17/10/2022 12:08

She wants hair like the other girls - although her nursery is diverse the other mixed race/black children are boys so she's seeing a lot of straight white hair and that's what I have too.

I'd do anything to change her perspective as her hair is gorgeous

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MotherOfRatios · 17/10/2022 12:10

absolutehush · 17/10/2022 12:04

Unfortunately that's not an option - I'm white. Her dad is bald and her grandma relaxes hers.

I've taken a braiding course and her nursery have offered to have a staff member (who has an Afro too) to talk to her and maybe do her hair but she keeps flattening her hair down with water and asking for straight hair like the other girls.

I've also bought fun hair bands, clips, anything hair related that's fun (so many glittery unicorn clips) for toddlers but she hates it. I really feel like I've failed her.

Then it's about filling your home with art with women that have Afro hairstyles.
I'm a mono-racial Black women but that is another thing my mum did was having art that reflected me and my culture around the house.

daily affirmations, making hair time fun, not stressful if you mention anything about hair day being tiresome, her hair been difficult etc she will absorb that. Be mindful of your own language. Does her father have no female relatives??

Original poster

absolutehush · 17/10/2022 12:12

Ok - I might ramp up the positive messages (we do this a fair amount but I was worried about over doing it).

I wonder if I can get an Afro doll - she has a sibling on the way so although she is a black dolly already maybe one with hair might help?

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Original poster

absolutehush · 17/10/2022 12:14

Ok - yes! ART! This I can do!

In regards to making hair time fun - ummmmm how? She hates having her hair brushed and I do my best to be gentle but it's not. Any ideas?

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Original poster

absolutehush · 17/10/2022 12:15

Oh - and unfortunately we live over 4 hours from extended family so although he does, it's not a regular thing

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Girlsontour · 17/10/2022 12:18

Has she got any extended family members with her hair type who wear their hair naturally?

She is very young but can you contact an Afro Hair Salon close to you and talk to them about haircare and ideas to help young girls appreciate and love their hair? Even if she could visit and see adult women with similar hair types being pampered and glam it could help her see there are many ways to be beautiful and that her natural beauty is cherished in the world.

www.refinery29.com/en-gb/best-salons-afro-hair

DisforDarkChocolate · 17/10/2022 12:18

Is there a suitable hair dressers nearby who could style her hair and be positive hair role models?

Cantthinkofanewnameatm · 17/10/2022 12:28

Can you explain the hair touching to me? I’ve heard it a few times on MN. Is it random strangers or people you know? It seems ( to me) such a strange and intrusive things to do to anyone.

Original poster

absolutehush · 17/10/2022 12:28

I could ask the lady who ran the braiding course? She was very positive and kid friendly. I've actually previously reached out to a fair number of salons nearby and because she's young and never sat in a chair they're not keen.

I've also taken her into local hair shops to ask for advice for products etc and to pick clips/hair bands but they all seem to be run by Asian families which is fine but doesn't help me very much!

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Original poster

absolutehush · 17/10/2022 12:38

@Cantthinkofanewnameatm obviously I can't speak to an adults experience (or really anyones) but my daughter is a very pretty child and has very striking hair.

It's nearly always positive comments but they'll say something like 'she has gorgeous hair!' And then this hand will sneak out to try and touch it. Depending on their age/gender/my mood I'll say something like 'yes she does, thank you but please don't touch my child or her hair without asking her' or 'thank you, don't touch' or just 'no hands, please'. On occasion there I've physically intercepted someone and said 'that's not appropriate, is it?'

I've talked to my child about bodily autonomy and said she can say no if she likes but she's very small so me or her dad will intervene. She does know the only person who decides is her and she will often physically hide behind me when she thinks it's about to happen. I will also pick her up to help her feel more confident.

I'm absolutely shocked at how often it happens. In the queue to pick up at nursery, the supermarket, parties, playgrounds, restaurants! Literally everywhere. I wonder if her being a small child is part of that but it's really shocking!

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MotherOfRatios · 17/10/2022 12:57

absolutehush · 17/10/2022 12:14

Ok - yes! ART! This I can do!

In regards to making hair time fun - ummmmm how? She hates having her hair brushed and I do my best to be gentle but it's not. Any ideas?

Favourite bath toys? Watch a film with a black lead whilst braiding her hair?

Art is wonderful my house had African sculptures around the house etc

MotherOfRatios · 17/10/2022 13:00

absolutehush · 17/10/2022 12:38

@Cantthinkofanewnameatm obviously I can't speak to an adults experience (or really anyones) but my daughter is a very pretty child and has very striking hair.

It's nearly always positive comments but they'll say something like 'she has gorgeous hair!' And then this hand will sneak out to try and touch it. Depending on their age/gender/my mood I'll say something like 'yes she does, thank you but please don't touch my child or her hair without asking her' or 'thank you, don't touch' or just 'no hands, please'. On occasion there I've physically intercepted someone and said 'that's not appropriate, is it?'

I've talked to my child about bodily autonomy and said she can say no if she likes but she's very small so me or her dad will intervene. She does know the only person who decides is her and she will often physically hide behind me when she thinks it's about to happen. I will also pick her up to help her feel more confident.

I'm absolutely shocked at how often it happens. In the queue to pick up at nursery, the supermarket, parties, playgrounds, restaurants! Literally everywhere. I wonder if her being a small child is part of that but it's really shocking!

Read don't touch my hair Emma dabiri

also join this Facebook group and post in their lots of people will commend and share stories to help. It's led by woc

Cantthinkofanewnameatm · 17/10/2022 13:31

absolutehush · 17/10/2022 12:38

@Cantthinkofanewnameatm obviously I can't speak to an adults experience (or really anyones) but my daughter is a very pretty child and has very striking hair.

It's nearly always positive comments but they'll say something like 'she has gorgeous hair!' And then this hand will sneak out to try and touch it. Depending on their age/gender/my mood I'll say something like 'yes she does, thank you but please don't touch my child or her hair without asking her' or 'thank you, don't touch' or just 'no hands, please'. On occasion there I've physically intercepted someone and said 'that's not appropriate, is it?'

I've talked to my child about bodily autonomy and said she can say no if she likes but she's very small so me or her dad will intervene. She does know the only person who decides is her and she will often physically hide behind me when she thinks it's about to happen. I will also pick her up to help her feel more confident.

I'm absolutely shocked at how often it happens. In the queue to pick up at nursery, the supermarket, parties, playgrounds, restaurants! Literally everywhere. I wonder if her being a small child is part of that but it's really shocking!

Thanks for the explanation. I might smile at a child, or commiserate with a parent with a crying one, but it’d never cross my mind to touch a child. Didn’t realise people did that!

Comedycook · 17/10/2022 13:36

Oh bless her, that's so sad to read she feels like that...western beauty standards are so pervasive...my DD is mixed race too and loves her afro! Have you got her any dolls that look like her or have afro hair? The Barbie fashionista range of dolls are really diverse..or I'm sure if you have a google you will find other dolls available.

LokiDokiArtichoki · 17/10/2022 13:39

There’s an episode of Jojo and gran gran where they go to the hairdresser. Might appeal better to a nursery age child.

Figrolls14 · 17/10/2022 14:31

www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/m000lbdh/jojo-gran-gran-series-1-summer-6-its-time-to-go-to-the-hairdressers

Original poster

absolutehush · 17/10/2022 14:47

@Cantthinkofanewnameatm I know. I did once ask someone (very bad mood at the time) 'do you often touch children you don't know?'

I think that because it's part of a compliment they think it's ok somehow but obviously she knows/sees that it doesn't happen to her peers, and doesn't like being singled out. For some reason people think it's ok, which is just bonkers.

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Original poster

absolutehush · 17/10/2022 14:48

LokiDokiArtichoki · 17/10/2022 13:39

There’s an episode of Jojo and gran gran where they go to the hairdresser. Might appeal better to a nursery age child.

We already watch JoJo and GranGran and love it but I'll seek this out!

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Original poster

absolutehush · 17/10/2022 14:48

Figrolls14 · 17/10/2022 14:31

www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/m000lbdh/jojo-gran-gran-series-1-summer-6-its-time-to-go-to-the-hairdressers

Thank you!

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Original poster

absolutehush · 17/10/2022 14:49

Comedycook · 17/10/2022 13:36

Oh bless her, that's so sad to read she feels like that...western beauty standards are so pervasive...my DD is mixed race too and loves her afro! Have you got her any dolls that look like her or have afro hair? The Barbie fashionista range of dolls are really diverse..or I'm sure if you have a google you will find other dolls available.

She has a mixed race baby but it's not got hair. I think I'll look at dolls that have more of her features including hair as her current dolly is darker, and she doesn't care for it much.

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Original poster

absolutehush · 17/10/2022 14:51

@MotherOfRatios I've ordered some more books, including one called don't touch my hair. I'll look at bath toys and I think I'll try and incorporate hair care as part of her 'beauty' regime (she LOVES bath bombs and having her toenails painted) so maybe if I fold it into that it'll be more positive.

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