Helping my daughter to love her hair

[absolutehush]

My daughter doesn't like her Afro hair - I'm not sure why but I think it might relate to an incident at nursery/or people asking to touch her hair (which we shut down without fail). The incident at nursery has also been addressed but she's smart and internalises things.

I make sure she sees her hair in books/tv etc as much as possible and I try my best to take care of it but she's not happy.

Can anyone recommend anything really? Specifically I was thinking Afro positive storybooks but to be honest I'm a bit lost.

I feel so sad that she's 3 and already feels like this.

DD2.5, younger so not sure if this is any help at all but she currently loves the "I love my hair" song by Gracie's Corner on YT. She seems to be picking up a lot of things through song, perhaps due to the catchiness of it all but I'm hoping she'll internalise the message through repetition nonetheless.

I also couldn't find a doll that looked like DD so bought a doll with her skin tone and straight hair and curled it myself (loads of tutorials on YT depending on the hair material). It matched her so well and she loves it.

Are you a troll or just thick?

The child is a pre-schooler with afro hair.

Here's a fabulous Oscar winning cartoon about black hair called HAIR LOVE!!!!

My DD went through this phase of wanting her hair "long" she was the only black child at her preschool, barr a few mixed race boys and Asian DC. She was the same age as your DD (3yrs) and it worried me a bit at the time, especially when she started drawing pics of herself with straight hair.. but tbh it was just a phase, she has grown out of it (now 7).

At the time I told her she was unique and encouraged her to love herself just the way she is, I emphasised the importance of taking care of hair and that long hair takes time to grow. Also that if she wanted long hair then she should get used to having her hair done! She still grumbles about that one!

I would focus on building up her inner self rather than relying on external things to boost her self image or being the main focus.

That's rude. OP asked for ideas.

My advice to you would be to learn how to do her hair properly, cute little hair ties and scrunchies and help her to wear her curls naturally (please for the love of God stay away from relaxers and flat irons!)

I'm mixed with a white mum and the world is so different now from when I grew up. There are marvel movies now with black women rocking their natural hair, it's so much more glamorous now than when I was young. She will grow up to love her hair as long as it's properly moisturised, styled and cared for everyday and you tell her how beautiful she is 😊

Yes, on BMN, presumably because she wanted advice from black women about helping her DD embrace her hair.

If she lets her relax and straighten it then what next? Help her lighten her skin too if she’s self conscious about that?

OP I would start ever so subtly start introducing more black media to the house - you’ve already bought some books which is great, but films, TV shows, art and even things that aren’t directed at your daughter but that she’ll see you consuming such as magazines.

I’m really not trying to be nasty here but do you know how to take care and style Afro hair properly? If not or you think you could use some more knowledge then that might be something to work on that could help.

Fair enough. Unfortunately sometimes it's impossible to get children/people to love parts of their appearance. I hope some of these ideas are successful, I'm sure her daughter is gorgeous like all other 3 y3ar old.

That's rude. OP asked for ideas.

That's not an viable idea though.

The child is three years old. Three! She's not a teenager or a woman like your friend.

It's likely that this friend of yours didn't have Afro hair if she 'didn't know' she had curly hair.

Straightening Afro hair is quite the endeavour.

Unfortunately sometimes it's impossible to get children/people to love parts of their appearance.

For the love of god. Please don't be suggesting that it might be IMPOSSIBLE for a three year old child to get used to the fact she has ago hair so her mother should start relaxing it!

That's genuinely outrageous. Who would think like this?

Added to the book list, thank you!

I know other posters have responded to you and I don't want it to seem like a pile on but I wanted to specifically answer this question about my child -

She's 3. I want her, at this age, to look in the mirror and love herself. There is plenty of time as an adult to experiment with her look and her identity WHEN she is secure in her body. I don't want her to start life thinking there are things she should change about herself. What kind of message for life is that?

Also - Afro hair is a different thing. Straightening it is lots of high heat or chemicals which is not something I'm prepared to do.

Her curly hair is part of her mixed identity and I want her to love her identity. She can celebrate her white culture in lots of ways, but her hair, right now isn't one of them.

This morning I told her she was the luckiest child in the world because she was the best of everything. That's what I want her to feel about her hair and her life.

@SherbettingSherbert ok, brilliant, will add those to the list and she loves a catchy tune.

I absolutely agree with this - I want her to think about herself positively, and her feelings about her hair to be an extended part of that.

BUT she actively dislikes her hair and so I'm focussed on that right now along with my usual approach of praise, love and affirmation. I do make sure she knows she is smart, clever, kind, funny and loved on a daily basis but I want her to feel beautiful in herself too.

Being a mum is SO HARD!

@Cookiesareworthit thank you! No worries, no flat irons here! I don't even own a hairdryer hahahaha!

I'm trying my best for hair care but later today I'll post the routine and products and a couple of photos so any tips gratefully received. I'm still learning!

@PinkFrogss You're right - I don't think her media is very diverse. We have the right books/TV but actually she's so busy being into dinosaurs or unicorns or tigers that we don't proactively read/watch them. More effort required!

I think I'm doing an OK job at haircare - I've taken a couple of courses/had one on one consultations about her hair plus I ask anyone I can for help or advice. The staff at nursery who have afros have been asked many many times for advice and also do say her hair is good. Where I fall down is styling it. So it's well moisturised and combed into ringlets but I don't ever do bunches/twists/buns.

Having thought about it there’s also the classic books like Handa’s Surprise and the ‘Grace’ books. One of the things I love in Handa especially is that the little black girl isn’t the token child in the ‘white blonde girl, white brunette girl, white redhead girl, other white blonde girl, and then the black child’ lineup. She and all her friends are all black. Also I find it a fun book to read and the audiobook is beautifully read. We used to listen to it in the car. Although she doesn’t have big hair, it’s in corn rows.

There’s the Mega Magic Hairswap too but I’m not sure if it could be good for your little girl or in face maybe the opposite. It’s about two little girls (a black little girl and a white little girl) who decide they want to swap their hair, but then they realise they are perfect the way they are. If she has good comprehension she might understand the ending and take the right message but she may still be too young and take the wrong thing from it.

Also try not to worry too much - with a great mum like you the love you are putting on this will trickle down into her. My dd (mixed but not black, long thick curly hair) used to ask to gel her hair down at the sides. Now she is older (preteen) she has grown it super long and follows curly girl methods. Now my big bug is her wasting her pocket money on scrunchies and clips and bands and Jojo bows.

Thank you to everyone who has commented, we had a good chat about her hair last night and had a 'glam night'. I did a bubble bath, bath bomb, painted her toenails etc etc and rinsed her hair. She was happy for me to comb and detangle and went to bed oiled up and with her bonnet on.

This morning she asked for bunches!!! Which I did, of course. She spent a long time looking in the mirror and admiring herself. She looked so good. 🥰

Sorry if someone has suggested this already, but there's a great children's story book by Jessica Dunrod called 'your hair is your crown'. It's definitely worth a try :) I'm sure there's a YouTube video of a story teller reading it out, it's about a mixed race little girl who doesn't like her Afro hair but learns to embrace it. It must be difficult OP, but I hope she learns to love her beautiful hair x

@oonrug no haven't had that one suggested yet, thank you!

*If you can I would change nurseries to one where there are more girls like her.

When you are choosing primary schools be mindful of how many girls with hair like hers are at the school*

this. My kids went to a very diverse school, the youngest was a “fitter inner” very conscious of others. In the early years as more than 50% of the kids were black or mixed race curly/afro was the the thing to have- many of the white kids wanted to braid or curl their hair to fit in with the majority. It was really eye opening to see that the black kids held the “standard” of beauty, and the braids and afros were much envied.

if school/nursery doesn’t work are there any clubs or groups? Church for example where she can be in an environment where most people look like her and she can see different hair on confident women?

i’ve heard people talk of the value taking kids on holiday to black cultures can have as well, if that would be something you’d do.

@absolutehush

I am not sure if you saw my recommendation of "Black White Just Right " which is about a mixed race girl. My daughter liked that one.

That's great.

@marcopront I missed it, thank you for doing again. I'm going to make a super neat list and add it to the thread for anyone who might Google this in a few months/years.

Everyone has been so helpful and I'm so glad we both have you all!

DD has gone to bed combed and curled and has asked for four bunches down her head like the model from the hair love short which we watched whilst I did her hair. See how she goes in the morning but I'm starting to think I really wasn't trying enough. Better late than never but I'm sad that it happened at all.

Aww what a gorgeous update! Don’t feel sad, you noticed your dd needed a bit more support and promptly provided it - what more can you do? It’s amazing too how once they see others who look ‘like me’ they’re suddenly more confident. Now she doesn’t think people will laugh because she’s not the one with ‘different hair’ she’s just got hair like ‘hair love.’