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Original poster

Helping my daughter to love her hair

79 replies

absolutehush · 17/10/2022 11:48

My daughter doesn't like her Afro hair - I'm not sure why but I think it might relate to an incident at nursery/or people asking to touch her hair (which we shut down without fail). The incident at nursery has also been addressed but she's smart and internalises things.

I make sure she sees her hair in books/tv etc as much as possible and I try my best to take care of it but she's not happy.

Can anyone recommend anything really? Specifically I was thinking Afro positive storybooks but to be honest I'm a bit lost.

I feel so sad that she's 3 and already feels like this.

OP posts:
MotherOfRatios · 17/10/2022 15:02

absolutehush · 17/10/2022 14:51

@MotherOfRatios I've ordered some more books, including one called don't touch my hair. I'll look at bath toys and I think I'll try and incorporate hair care as part of her 'beauty' regime (she LOVES bath bombs and having her toenails painted) so maybe if I fold it into that it'll be more positive.

Check out these colouring books too!
www.shopcocomichele.com/?fbclid=IwAR287nKGbNvkzSGkIbhyYLogVKKMhIgCB2eAz8EV6UEGsqkr_6N-I7_KaKY

or

www.wildsuga.com/?fbclid=IwAR3MzHANrD0X8ADiFot9uY7gDEmF-Z15fi3wWORO1ThmOnF7R0r6NHLQBNk

Phineyj · 17/10/2022 15:15

The Lottie dolls have a super doll with Afro hair - based on the activist girl from Flint in the USA. The Lottie dolls are based on the proportions of an average 9 year old so no Barbie figures either!

savoycabbage · 17/10/2022 15:28

How are you styling her hair at the moment?

Original poster
absolutehush · 17/10/2022 15:47

Thanks for the links to the colouring books, and the doll recommendations.

@savoycabbage I'm not, really? Evening I brush and oil it, then bonnet (if she agrees) and bed.

Morning is spritz, comb and curl definer. She then just has an Afro ringlets. On occasion she will agree to bunches or me putting the front section in a 'unicorn horn' but she's very conscious of her hair and whenever I suggest braids or twists/plaits etc she says she doesn't want anyone to look at her or laugh at her. I think she thinks if her hair is different it will attract attention.

OP posts:
DorisJoy · 17/10/2022 16:04

if you are on Instagram, take a look at scarlett&tiania. There maybe some useful ideas on their page.

Original poster
absolutehush · 17/10/2022 17:02

Thanks @DorisJoy! The daughters hair on that page looks very similar to my child's so maybe we can watch a bit together

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SpinningFloppa · 17/10/2022 17:07

My daughter is the same, but she’s much older she is 11 and constantly asks for me to dye it blonde, straighten it, now she wants a wig! Every time I do her hair she asks why I can’t get her a wig instead (she’s autistic so limited understanding) it’s difficult.

savoycabbage · 17/10/2022 18:52

It all sounds familiar to me too, although my dd is 18 now and tbh I think I've gone too far the other way as she is very aware of how beautiful she is now. 🙄

At three it's hard to explain to her that her hair is the way it is because of genes. You can show her other girls and you can demonstrate the similarities between her hair and the hair of her friends.

Have you got a friend with a dd who you can coordinate hair styles with? They can both have bunches/space buns and then you can say 'look you have bunches like Susan today'.

I'd also try and bring up how she is the same as her friends in other ways. Susan is a fast runner just like you. Belle likes Bluey like you! Etc,

The more lovely clips and things you put in her hair the more likely she is to garner compliments on her hair. That's just a human nature thing, it's something to talk about.

RedWingBoots · 17/10/2022 19:46

If you can I would change nurseries to one where there are more girls like her.

When you are choosing primary schools be mindful of how many girls with hair like hers are at the school.

It isn't only hair she will have a problem with but also stereotypes linked to her skin colour. Unfortunately these will come from teachers as well as other pupils.

buttons123456 · 17/10/2022 19:54

Do you know how to treat/ style it ? You can make it look awesome or hideous . I'm white but have thick curly hair and my Mum used to brush it so all my childhood pics I have a massive head of frizz ..

I have amazing hair now and it makes so much difference how you style it ..

Get on you tube and watch tutorials . Rochelle does a range of kids Afro styling products in boots .

SirBlobby · 17/10/2022 20:08

@Cantthinkofanewnameatm it's a really common occurrence. People coming up to black and mixed ethnicity people and wanting to pet their hair.

A lot of the time it is ignorance rather than malice. Or sometimes tbf true curiosity (still ignorant though) I've had it so many times. Only once in a professional setting and then I full on dodged her hand and it was such an awkward encounter. I know she didn't mean to be rude but i was not in the mood

marcopront · 17/10/2022 20:19

Are you a member of Mixed up Mamas and Papas on Facebook?

www.facebook.com/groups/276346743023752/?ref=share

They might have suggestions.

There is a book called "I love my hair"

www.google.co.uk/search?q=i+love+my+hair&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-gb&client=safari#fpstate=ive&vld=cid:b37b91b5,vid:Jl_jlQc2Iok

I would read this to DD's class in book week.

marcopront · 17/10/2022 20:22

I would read this to DD's class in book week

To clarify my DD is mixed and I when they had book week, if I went to read this was one of my choices. DD was the only mixed child in the school and it did help them understand her hair.

Another book I liked is "black white just right"

Original poster
absolutehush · 17/10/2022 20:31

savoycabbage · 17/10/2022 18:52

It all sounds familiar to me too, although my dd is 18 now and tbh I think I've gone too far the other way as she is very aware of how beautiful she is now. 🙄

At three it's hard to explain to her that her hair is the way it is because of genes. You can show her other girls and you can demonstrate the similarities between her hair and the hair of her friends.

Have you got a friend with a dd who you can coordinate hair styles with? They can both have bunches/space buns and then you can say 'look you have bunches like Susan today'.

I'd also try and bring up how she is the same as her friends in other ways. Susan is a fast runner just like you. Belle likes Bluey like you! Etc,

The more lovely clips and things you put in her hair the more likely she is to garner compliments on her hair. That's just a human nature thing, it's something to talk about.

I'll definitely give coordinating a hair style a go, she would really enjoy that!

In regards to the clips etc I get that but it's also something she sees other children do and enjoy and wants to join in on. So it's one of those things where I think I have to let her explore in her own way? Happy to take advice on this though!

OP posts:
Original poster
absolutehush · 17/10/2022 20:35

RedWingBoots · 17/10/2022 19:46

If you can I would change nurseries to one where there are more girls like her.

When you are choosing primary schools be mindful of how many girls with hair like hers are at the school.

It isn't only hair she will have a problem with but also stereotypes linked to her skin colour. Unfortunately these will come from teachers as well as other pupils.

The thing is - her nursery is diverse, just mostly boys and it actually really is something we considered and rejected a few for being too 'white'. The reality is she has less than a year left at nursery and she absolutely loves it. The staff are very diverse so she sees a lot of adults with black hair there and they're very supportive of her issues around hair and have actively suggested things to help. It's a supportive environment for her so overall positive, I hope.

But you're right for primary school and definitely something we should think about, thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
absolutehush · 17/10/2022 20:36

@RedWingBoots also very good point about the teaching staff being diverse as well as the children is super valid.

I'm finding this whole thread so so helpful

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Original poster
absolutehush · 17/10/2022 20:37

SirBlobby · 17/10/2022 20:08

@Cantthinkofanewnameatm it's a really common occurrence. People coming up to black and mixed ethnicity people and wanting to pet their hair.

A lot of the time it is ignorance rather than malice. Or sometimes tbf true curiosity (still ignorant though) I've had it so many times. Only once in a professional setting and then I full on dodged her hand and it was such an awkward encounter. I know she didn't mean to be rude but i was not in the mood

So sorry to hear this still happens as an adult. People are outrageous!

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 17/10/2022 20:37

Hair Love is a cute book (based on a short cartoon film) about a dad learning to do his daughter’s hair. There’s also an audio book which I believe Beyoncé’s little girl Blue Ivy promoted/narrated.

I also saw a cute thing in a children’s hairdressers ages ago, a flip book of photos so the child can choose their own hairstyle. Maybe you could make something like that with your dd of printed out photos from TV characters she likes with all different hairstyles to live in her special hair accessory box with her products and some new fun bows/clips or something. That way she could be in control of choosing her hairstyle some days.

Original poster
absolutehush · 17/10/2022 20:41

@buttons123456 I think I do an OK job, and have had a 1-1 consultation with an Afro hair specialist. I do brush it but then do use curl definer and think it looks great!

I see her hair as an extension of her blackness and I really want her to be proud of it. I don't want to be one of those mums whose child has terrible hair.

Happy to provide photos for comments and feedback! Always open to tips!

OP posts:
Original poster
absolutehush · 17/10/2022 20:42

@marcopront have joined and I'll look at getting that book! Currently looking at the Zoe doll which is a fortune so might have to spread this out a bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
absolutehush · 17/10/2022 20:43

@Kanaloa ohhh we will watch that and I absolutely love the flip book idea!

Thank you!

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OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 17/10/2022 20:58

@absolutehush

I work in Nottingham and there's a specialist Afro salon in town

www.fusionsalon.co.uk

Maybe something like this would help her embrace it?

Original poster
absolutehush · 17/10/2022 21:07

@OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside that's not too far from her Grandma's house. They absolutely adore each other so it's definitely something they could do together.

We're off to see Grandma in a few weeks! Thank you ❤️

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WhatToDoBiscuit · 17/10/2022 21:21

Floella Benjamin wrote a book called My Two Grannies. One is white, one black. It's not about hair but has very positive artwork and a great story for starting conversations about family.

RedHelenB · 17/10/2022 22:15

Half her genes are yours though, why wouldn't she want to celebrate that?
I had a friend who I genuinely didn't know had curly hair for years, she'd always straightened it
If she wants it straight, can't you try that? She may decide its too much effort, doesn't feel like her any more if you let her try it