Dear All,
I am sorry, this is not about jollof or rice and peas, but I am trying to get away from prying eyes. Will it work? Let us see.
I am interested in black women's thoughts on this one. It's about having friendships and our relationships with white women.
10 years ago I had a dinner party. Ten women attended, 5 were black, 5 were white. Had a riotous time. Was great. That was probably the make up of my friendship group back then. Not hugely diverse, true. Anyway, fast forward around 10 years, just before Covid lockdowns I had another dinner party and every woman around the table was black, so even worse in the diversity stakes.
Now, ok, I DO have white friends, they just mostly live in other countries. It gave me reason for pause. I think some of those are still active friendships at least partly because they live elsewhere and I don't see them that much. I'll explain. Over the years my friendships with white women have fizzled out because something has happened that I found insurmountable and often it was something cultural. This could be my racism, you know, putting a behaviour in cultural terms, but I have noticed a very British / Western European individualistic way of relating to people that I find off-putting. Say for example I'd have a problem and chat to them about it and their advice would be 'fuck your mum, tell her to do it herself'. Or something. This sounds so small, but the more I moved towards having a family of my own, pressures at work etc, I just noticed that I couldn't really relate to them, I couldn't understand where they were coming from. I don't know, a distance just grew. And some of it I found offensive, honestly, especially comment on my family. My black friends never ever did this stuff.
Some friendships faded because race became significant. I'll give an example. I was talking about my holiday to Cuba with a white friend whom I considered one of my very best friends. She kept saying her experience of It when she went was that it was awful because of the lack of political freedom. My preference is also for democratic process, however I commented that I found it refreshing to be in a country where I could talk to a black man I had just met, and have him tell me he was a maths teacher, or a doctor, or a scientist etc and that freedom from race-based oppression felt good to me. It wasn't an argument, we just disagreed, but she cried anyway (....) Then I felt bad for having an opinion. Anyway, this kind of not seeing eye to eye took its toll. And I got tired of having to point out the micro aggressions or to just take them on the chin.
And then there were little bits here and there that were just suspect to me. And these little things were not popping up with my black friends, so over a decade I have found my friendship group shift. I'd say I have one white friend in the UK who is a good friend. I have other white friends, but we are 'meet up for coffee once a year and chat on a WhatsApp group' friends, not good personal friends necessarily. At that last dinner party, I also noticed that I didn't invite one or two of my white friends because I felt it would change the vibe. This is something I did not do a decade previously.
So, separate to this, but perhaps related. I was chatting to the good white friend I have on the phone recently and I told her that since MeToo I have noticed that I have had more run ins with white women. I was shouted at in the street recently at my child's nursery just the other day. My neighbour next door knocked down my garden wall and basically said 'so?' Other bits, too, epiloguing would be in bad taste. I remarked to that white friend that maybe since the main oppressors of white women have had a chuck bitten out of them, white women have become more emboldened and black women / people are negatively impacted by it. She chimed in with some examples of her own.
Then, honestly, my experience of white women on these threads has not been great.
Now this could all be BS. I could be viewing this out of my own prejudiced lens. I don't know, but what I feel is that my relationships with white women are generally going south.
Black women, what are your thoughts?
This board exists primarily for the use of Black Mumsnetters. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful.
Black Mumsnetters
Jollof or rice and peas?
Sugarintheplum · 01/02/2021 09:05
Loving your into OP 
.
It’s interesting... I have white friends and I have never clashed with any of them over issues you have stated. They do have mixed race kids of their own and one of them is quite a bit older than me and she is one of the nicest people I have ever met!
I did however used to be friends with a Romanian lady... her views were to much for me questioning if I cook certain foods in my culture as if it was a challenge. We have had a few heated debates remember the man who worked for BBC and got the sack for putting a monkey over Harry and Megs baby?
She regarded it as a silly thing to do and said he shouldn’t of got the sack! I was in shock.
I do know what you mean but not all white women are like that.
I do find black people tend to expect everybody to do things in their way at times for example my dads family are big on manners “good evening” whilst I agree it’s the correct way. What I don’t like is how my dads side of the family will belittle someone if you wasn’t to say it or cannot acknowledge the fact that some people are simple not raised in that way.
You have to give and take in life.
The thread title worked the other way for me...... I saw it pop up on active and thought great maybe someone would also have the recipe for a Sierra Leone jollof rice.....
I have never been able to recreate my god mothers and she died a few years ago always told me it was a secret.
Sorry I can't comment on the actual aspect of the thread as I'm white. I was brought up in a very multicultural part of London though and honestly never really noticed people's ethnicity as everyone was different. Since moving to Scotland I find myself thinking wow this area is white.... I still have friends from a variety of ethnicities but all based in London.
Sorry to hijack but honestly if anyone has that recipe..... 
@samosamo
Sigh...
I think too many people love jollof and rice and peas for it to regardless of ethnicity
@warriorwomanx
Have you heard of google?
Yeah never comes out the same as my god mothers though
OP, I understand your dilemma with white people and the cultural aspect. Like you've rightly pointed out, they just have a different culture and their relationships with family are different. Their family ties also seem not quite as strong and so a lesser sense of duty or expectations from wider family are a lot less to almost non-existent. For instance my white friend couldn't understand why I was under so much pressure to 'send money back home'. Her advice was, 'they're using you, don't send anything!'
From my time on MN i have realised that's there's no point asking advice of a cultural nature because you will just get answers like the examples you gave. You can tell your mother to fuck off! hand your MIL the address of the nearest hotel, tell your husband to sort his mother out, expect your 16 yr old DD to stay over at her BF's or bring him to stay over for weekend etc and definitely expect to do your 18yr old uni sons washing!. Most black families (and i say 'most') do not do any of these things. I do not know a single family in my circle of black friends where their teenage DD/DS is having their bf/gf over to stay in their PARENTS house! mine certainly don't, nor would they ask.
So what's the solution? I treat it the same way I would treat any other culture. I don't stop making friends with people because they are white, I just don't consult or ask their opinion on such matters. There are still many commonalities you will find. Ambition, extra curricular activities, faith, food there are all sorts of things to bond over. Although I do acknowledge its a shame you can't open up about more personal stuff.
One must also acknowledge there are both pros and cons to western/african culture. Whilst we might think it's poor show to speak to your mum/dad disrespectfully it is also stifling to never be able to express yourself fully and just say what you feel, this has led to many of us from that culture carrying silent emotional burdens. Whilst it might seem to downright rude to shout at one's own mother, it also sets boundaries very early on in terms of the adult dc/parent relationship.
As far as #Metoo I have seen no evidence of what you describe, at all. It does sound to me like you've just met some people who happened to rather rude around the metoo campaign kicking off, so I wouldn't link the to. You might be over extrapolating there.
Lastly, can we try and not be quite so hostile to white posters when they come on especially when they clearly haven't come on with a secret agenda? I thought Scottish was quite pleasant and light hearted and the reaction to her was unecessarily hostile. She just wanted to know about Jollof, this happens on threads all the time, a little bit of digression here and there, it adds a bit of humour and pleasantness never derails a thread .
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