Did That Just Happen?

[AMemeByAnyOtherName]

I figured I'd create the thread that @Dastardlythefriendlymutt quite rightly suggested a section for, I think it has traction!

I'm thinking it's a good place to vent, even if it's 'just the small stuff', as is the nature of microaggressions.

I'll start

I've been going for long walks with DTs for the past couple of weeks. I often take them into shops to pick up refreshments to keep things interesting. Last week, not once but twice, I was followed around both a co-op and a Sainsbury's local by a security guard. Literally from the door in to the checkouts to the door out. On the one hand, I could say that it was simply because I had a double buggy and perhaps people with buggies thieving is rife. But you know when you just feel that the intentions aren't right? I absolutely felt as though if I'd been white, it wouldn't have happened.

Another one was walking in to a private medical facility with DH. DTs were in the car with a friend, I just needed the loo. We were in Tunbridge Wells so it was a fair drive. The women at the front desk both looked horrified when I walked in with DH. He noticed it too. They told me I had to disinfect my hands, not him. They asked if I had a mask, and I didn't (which was my own silly fault) so they got a disposable one and put it on for me I felt really uncomfortable because she had to tie it round the back of my head and I felt like she'd be judging my hair. I used the loo as quickly as I could and got the hell out of there.

Feels good to write it down please share any of your experiences and thanks again to Dastardly for the brilliant suggestion.

[AMemeByAnyOtherName]

@Dastardlythefriendlymutt that's disgusting I'm always fascinated by those languages and I used to wonder why you don't hear many people speaking them in the UK when people seem so happy to speak loudly in virtually any other language. I can't believe people make fun of it like that, I thought I'd heard everything. I'm literally shaking my head right now, I don't have words. I'm so sorry you've had to feel that way.

Now that I'm thinking of colleagues, has anybody else ever had somebody tell them that the hair on their head is just like pubic hair? That was the moment at work that made me decide to get my first weave.

[Dastardlythefriendlymutt]

Oh yes the "your hair is like my pubes" cue laughter.

No it's not.

We had some business in South Africa and then point person had a beautiful name with a couple of clicks in it. I could pronounce her name properly as well as converse in the same language, so the office didn't let me live it down. I am astounded how being a polygot is something funny and to be sneered at, maybe because I don't speak multiple European languages.

I remember watching Bridget Jones Diary 3 and the beginning scene of her trying to pronounce some "Ugandan" general's name with a click in it. Wow, atrocious spelling and as far as I know they don't have clicks in Uganda. The clicks generally occur in Southern African languages and only a few of them. We are not all interchangeable Africans. At least in Black Panther it was a fictional country and the choice to feature Xhosa was deliberate and respectfully done as well as the incorporation of multiple African cultures across the continent. But it was just an offensive lazy choice in Bridget Jones.

[Dastardlythefriendlymutt]

Other offensive movies making the same mistakes either on purpose or just couldn't be bothered

Blood Diamond
"The Shona have a name for me they call me 'mukiwa'." Despite 'mukiwa' being a Ndebele (Northern Zulu) word.

He's just not that into you. Intro has what looks like Swathi huts and I'm not even sure what native dress (looks a bit like Masai cross Sotho) and then speaking initially in Shona only to half way through start speaking in unintelligible clicks and pure gibberish. How offensive would that be to start a sentence in English and then finish it off in fake Russian and try to pass it off as Italian.

[AMemeByAnyOtherName]

"How offensive would that be to start a sentence in English and then finish it off in fake Russian and try to pass it off as Italian."



I was feeling so angry but that last bit really made me laugh. I would love to see that happen irl. It's like they don't see that they're mocking other human beings. I'm glad to know that Black Panther approached the topic respectfully, because honestly I have no idea what I'm looking for when it comes to African language and culture. It's just very sad to know that other people who, like me, know shit all about it, feel they're qualified to make crap up because they believe nobody else will notice and it won't affect anybody else. Deliberate disassociation and disrespect.

When a problem is that deeply ingrained in society, how on earth are people then meant to feel safe and respected, when even the movies they watch are taking the piss out of them? It might not be 'blackface', but is it much better? Would it have killed them to research, or even better, give the appropriate people the roles instead of making such a hash of things?!

Sorry for ranting I've literally never had a conversation like this with anybody before. It's so interesting (and somewhat reassuring) to see how common some of our experiences are.

[Dastardlythefriendlymutt]

I have no idea what I'm looking for when it comes to African language and culture. It's just very sad to know that other people who, like me, know shit all about it, feel they're qualified to make crap up because they believe nobody else will notice and it won't affect anybody else.

This is why I have now made the deliberate decision to curate what I watch and support. I am not watching a German made documentary about the Carribean without input from the people native to the region themselves. I don't know much,I can't spot nuance necessarily or an agenda the filmmaker may have. I wouldn't be sure of what is necessarily false or a misrepresentation.

It's when you see misrepresentations or outright lies of yourself that you realise they do this to everyone.

[PonDeReplay]

Reading and nodding along!

[OverTheRainbow88]

Our school served jerk chicken, rice and peas for lunch and a table full of teachers were laughing and shouting where are the peas? 🙄

[RedRumTheHorse]

OverTheRainbow88 my step-child had black history month last year.

The white middle-class class teacher chose a 20-something black British sprinter for their class icon. The white middle-class headteacher made them some of them wear Kente cloth for the assembly. (Probably made in China).

None of the classes icons were historical black figures from any sphere.

The school is in London with many pupils with at least a black parent/grandparent yet none of the parents were talked to. I remember being encouraged by my teachers in primary and secondary school in a different part of London to talk to my own family and that of my friends to understand black and non-white history.

They also have a high turnover of non-white teachers which isn't surprising as the head has accused non-white parents who raise simple queries as being aggressive. These parents, many of whom work in healthcare, are definitely not aggressive and I've had to gently point out to them racism.

[RedRumTheHorse]

Listening to the black barrister on David Lammy's show on LBC.

[RedRumTheHorse]

I was listening to this afternoon -
www.lbc.co.uk/radio/presenters/shelagh-fogarty/shelagh-fogarty-speechless-at-callers-shocking-hospital-experience/

My experience was like the first two women who started the hour where I was induced but the midwife and doctor didn't believe my contractions were so fast. Only when my partner, who is a white male, spoke to them did they believe it. Since then I've spoken to a couple of white women who were induced they had the same issue but were believed. Interestingly I noticed once the non-white staff came on shift the shit stopped.

[AMemeByAnyOtherName]

@RedRumTheHorse I just finished listening. That made me feel physically sick.

I demanded no forceps whatsoever when I went into labour, because I'd recently seen a horrific story about a baby that lost its life because of them. I was petrified and would sooner have had a c-section with no anaesthetic than had those used.

During my birth, the doctor who was overseeing called for the forceps . I'd been given an epidural because apparently that's standard practice with twin births, so maybe he was hoping I wouldn't notice? DH stepped in and said no, we don't want forceps used at all. So they used suction instead.

It honestly makes me feel really uncomfortable thinking about what happens when you don't have a 'white advocate'. Or perhaps even a male advocate.

Thanks for sharing the clip

[CircleofWillis]

A couple of years ago I was standing at a bus stop in the rain. There was some sort of incident on my route and the buses were packed. After waiting over 30 minutes, a bus with space finally stopped and I queued behind a man who was the only person who had been waiting longer than me. He proceeded to let several (white) women who had were running to the stop on the bus ahead of him it was when he gestured for yet another white woman to get on the bus I pushed past him and got on the bus before her. I also ushered the other two people in the queue who were both asian women onto the bus before him and the woman who had just arrived. He pushed on as well and remonstrated with me. I pointed out that if he really wanted to be kind he would have let the people behind him on the bus first. He had no right to let all the other people on ahead of us. One of the women apologised but the man didn't and just pushed his way down to bus to move away from me.
I am pretty sure this was racially nuanced. Somehow to him white women were in need of his help and protection while non-white women were less human in some way.

[WhereverIGoddamnLike]

@Umberllasye

Your boss may say "dancing across the room" because there a fairly common phrase when talking about people being hyped up. But in the example above, the guy said "breakdancing" because the person he aimed it at was black. I'm also certain he would simply have said "dancing" when talking to a white person. He was emphasising her colour.

[WhereverIGoddamnLike]

@Umberllasye

And the hair thing. It is not the same. People regularly just walk up and start touching with and playing with afro hair, as if the owner of th hair doeant deserve the respect of not being fondled. Petting afro hair is just seen in the same way as petting a fluffy dog; its something nice and fun for the person to do; forget the fact that this is an actual person you are putting your hands on without permission. Just treating black people as a curiosity or form of entertainment. It also extends to the "your hair is amazing". Afro hair is a totally normal thing, but that gawking and overly excessive fawning is just ridiculous. It's as if they're shocked when you've styled your hair well.

[Dastardlythefriendlymutt]

I guess no matter what space we carve for ourselves we still cannot escape having to educate white people on microagressions and race. No break for us hey

[alexdgr8]

i am not black. i have heard that hair seems to be a very touchy, excuse the pun, no-touch, subject for some black women.
of course i agree no one should presume to touch someone's hair, esp in a work setting.
but talk about hair, styles, products, ideas, is very common among women in offices. most non-black women would have no idea that a black woman would feel offended to be included in that general girly chit-chat.
perhaps there needs to be more training sessions on all this, as some of it is frankly baffling to a non-black person. and i can see how it could cause bad feeling, if someone feels they are being accused of racism unfairly.
i agree with the demand for thank-you incident too.

[Dastardlythefriendlymutt]

@umberllayse because I found your post although very "sweet and innocently" written very offensive. You suggested black people walk around looking for something to be offended by, when white people don't intend to be racist. It's like coming to a forum where women have been sexually assaulted or harassed and saying "maybe he didn't know", "it really was innocent" and "I really pity the good men out there who fall victims to this stuff because that's not that their intention" or men asking women who have been the victim of sexual assault to educate them.

Then if I dare to be upset and angry and actually respond that way instead of a then you suddenly become the victim and I have to apologise to you because "you just wanted to learn", "no wonder people don't care about race or try to change it when black people are so hostile".

Well maybe I would like my safe space to remain a safe space and hot an educational tool where it is my responsibility to continually explain why something is racist, even though I have to do that all the time when I navigate the world. Maybe just maybe I would like to come and talk to like minded people and tell them my experience without having to validate it to white people and listen to every reason why they think it was not racist. But I suppose your need to be educated is more important than my need for this space.