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Did That Just Happen?
AMemeByAnyOtherName · 19/09/2020 11:01
I figured I'd create the thread that @Dastardlythefriendlymutt quite rightly suggested a section for, I think it has traction!
I'm thinking it's a good place to vent, even if it's 'just the small stuff', as is the nature of microaggressions.
I've been going for long walks with DTs for the past couple of weeks. I often take them into shops to pick up refreshments to keep things interesting. Last week, not once but twice, I was followed around both a co-op and a Sainsbury's local by a security guard. Literally from the door in to the checkouts to the door out. On the one hand, I could say that it was simply because I had a double buggy and perhaps people with buggies thieving is rife. But you know when you just feel that the intentions aren't right? I absolutely felt as though if I'd been white, it wouldn't have happened.
Another one was walking in to a private medical facility with DH. DTs were in the car with a friend, I just needed the loo. We were in Tunbridge Wells so it was a fair drive. The women at the front desk both looked horrified when I walked in with DH. He noticed it too. They told me I had to disinfect my hands, not him. They asked if I had a mask, and I didn't (which was my own silly fault) so they got a disposable one and put it on for me I felt really uncomfortable because she had to tie it round the back of my head and I felt like she'd be judging my hair. I used the loo as quickly as I could and got the hell out of there.
Feels good to write it down please share any of your experiences and thanks again to Dastardly for the brilliant suggestion.
SandyY2K · 20/09/2020 16:52
SandyY2K that's vile, do you think she decided to exclude you or do you think she was told to? Either way of course I would never set foot there again! Was it a chain restaurant?
I don't believe she was told to exclude us, she decided for herself.
It wasn't a chain restaurant and I got the impression it was a family run business.
It just felt like she resented having to even serve us, because we were 'less than' and not worthy.
Just in case people assume...I'll clarify that the waitress wasn't white...she was Asian, but a number of racial incidents I've had, have been from people from an Asian background.
A lot of people think racism is just from white to black people or white to Asian.
Ablackrussian · 20/09/2020 17:12
AMemeByAnyOtherName, thank you 😊
I know a lot of the issues I have suffered were because I was a different colour and not because I was "too sensitive" "too aggressive". The freeing moment for me was realising that the coping mechanisms I exhibited, wasn't because I was weird/stubborn/ rebellious. They were merely symptoms of the horrendous way I had been treated time and time again...it's a long story.
The good news is that, on a personal level, this year has been the best year of my life, yet. On a societal level, it's been the shittest year, I think, for everyone.
SandyY2K, I had a similar incident (about 25 years ago) The waiter was being really obnoxious and kept us waiting long after other people had been served (something I didn't particularly notice but my then partner had picked up on). When my then (white) partner asked why we were still waiting, he whispered to him that it should be blacks waiting on him, not the other way around
My partner went berserk but the waiter denied it. We left. It affected my partner for so long after that as he could not quite believe it.
2020inhindsight · 21/09/2020 19:14
@Dastardlythefriendlymutt I'm going to show my husband your comment about receipts because he's always nagging me about the amount of receipts I have. He doesn't get why I keep them for so long and thinks I'm being paranoid! I learnt a long time ago that I was always going to flagged when I go into a shop so I just leave them to it. While they are following me they are missing the real shoplifters so if their stupidity affects their profits, so be it.
2020inhindsight · 21/09/2020 19:21
Its the same with airports. I travel every year and in 30 years of travel, I have been stopped and searched on either my way out or way back into the country. I took my nephew who is of dual heritage to Spain one year and because we have different surnames, I was stopped and had to give his mothers name and telephone number so they could phone her to make sure I wasn't kidnapping my nephew!!!
Dastardlythefriendlymutt · 21/09/2020 19:21
Sorry @Ablackrussian that sounds awful.
I always keep them. It took 29 years to happen to me but when it did, thankfully because of the receipts I was prepared. I will never not take one now especially. It is a privilege I dont have.
An arrest would have meant the loss of my career and all those years of study and my business. I'm glad I had it on hand to prove my innocence. Even when they tried to argue about "supposed discrepancies" on the receipt, I just told them I was not responsible for scanning the items, that was done by rhe cashier and to check rhe CCTV footage if necessary to see if I had scanned my own items (which was met with sniggers), but still.
Taja123 · 21/09/2020 22:03
It feels like it never ends
My partner and I were at a restaurant/bar having a drink and decide to order lunch.
Beckoned the waiter over to be told the kitchen is not doing food . Fair enough.
2 separate groups of people (white)come in asked for and are given tables and menus and brought their food
On complaining told it was just a mis communication yeah right the waiter saw us every time he had to get to the other tables
Tried to say no was just a innocent error
We told the manager be quite we all know it’s because we are black he didn’t want to serve us stop with your foolish excuses
And no we don’t want your complimentary drinks and food, we will pay for own own drinks and hell no we wouldn’t eat your food now
Just last year this happened
Not used to things being so blatant. Guess it teaches me not to be complacent
AMemeByAnyOtherName · 21/09/2020 22:38
@Taja123 I find that really disturbing 😔 people genuinely don't think these things still happen. I don't personally understand how hard it can be to believe that some people are still clutching on to their archaic views passed down by generations of racists. They probably don't even realise how obvious they are. And you can't complain unless they say 'it's because you're black', which we'd never be lucky enough to actually have happen. DM says that she would prefer it if people told her that outright. It would stop all the self doubt and anxiety. I agree with her.
luckystarmaking · 22/09/2020 09:31
I get followed around the store too. The other day I noticed that a white man triggered the alarm but he just walked straight out, wasn't stopped. I set the alarm off twice in sainsburys twice because the store workers forgot to remove tags and I was stopped and asked to issue my receipts.
Ablackrussian · 22/09/2020 10:19
I really don't think it's that they think we've nicked anything. It's just another way to "justifiably" bother you.
Like the time I was bluelighted because it didn't look like DTs (aged about 10, at the time) had their seatbelts on. Well, the position that their car was in (stationary, at a junction),there was no way that they could have seen whether said seatbelts were on (which they were). Like I say, it's just an excuse to bother you. Or, at least, in my case it was.
AMemeByAnyOtherName · 22/09/2020 18:15
I think one of the worst DTJHs (Did that Just Happen) I have personal experience of is one that happens to DM. She was driving and it was coming up to night time, me and my brother were in the back seat and a colleague of DM's was in the passenger seat, a white man, let's call him Bob.
At one point, somebody gave way to DM and she put up her hand to say thank you, as you do. Bob put his hand up to say thank you straight after. DM said 'oh I already thanked him'. Bob's response was 'yeah but they're not going to see your hand, are they?'.
I really wish I was making that up. I was horrified and DM felt so low after that for days. Needless to say, Bob made me a lot more sceptical of people after that, because before that comment, he seemed like a nice normal guy.
Johnny1963 · 23/09/2020 22:26
Hi Echo and Dastardly the whataboutery and naive questions get me down. I'd started hiding race related threads on MN as I found them really upsetting.
After a stressful couple of years I'm trying to be kind to myself; it's really helped to remember and acknowledge the impact of all the microaggressions rather than soldier on.
EchoCardioGran · 23/09/2020 22:46
hi Johnny same with me. Look after yourself, being in a state of permanent hypervigilance on here is not healthy. It's ok just to post where you feel ok. Especially when there's crap going on in real life and if you are like me, first came here for a bit of info or a distract.
Small steps here, but it will build up into a good support system over time, I'm sure.
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