Due August 2007 - Part 3

[loler]

Here's to a succuessful new thread!

Link to the old thread just incase!

kiteflying - i just re-read your message - i know a couple who went for hypno birthing- never got a chance to try it, the birth was so fast - but both parties think it was because she was so relaxed as she had done all the prep for the hypnobirth and belivved it was going to be pain free - so go for it!!

Hi Guys, bit of a rant coming I'm afraid...

I don't know how many of you are first time mums or the first one's in your social circle to get pregnant, but I am in mine, and it's making me feel a bit rubbish lately! Life's really changed since finding out I was pregnant, and it's not even here yet.

My friends are out clubbing and dating, and I feel like a bit of a drag since becoming pregnant, not being able to drink or prepared to spend five hours sober in a smoky club. There are only so many cinema trips and non-alcohol fuels meals out our friendships can take, and I'm so out of touch with who's-dating-who... I get the feeling I'm boring everyone sick about the baby every time I open my mouth, which upsets me as I don't know how you're not supposed to not talk about the biggest thing that's ever happened to you.

I know my friends are chuffed for me, but half of them have no plans to ever have children, and the other half are obviously not ready (I was asked by one friend I don't see very often if I didn't think having a baby growing inside me was a bit like having a parasite or a tumour living off me)

Anyway, I've read that NCT classes are supposed to be good for making friends, but they're only held in nearby Chester or Shrewsbury (I live roughly between the two) so I don't really know if I'd meet anyone local, and since it was more the social network and support I was looking for, I don't know if I'll bother.

A bit worried about life after the birth once the initial flood of visitors have met the baby, eaten all my bourbons and gone home. Any ideas on the best way to meet local folks with new babies?

Hi Bananabump

I didn't go to antenatal classes either, but for different reasons, I was just too ill to go.

I did meet some good friends after though at the coffee mornings that the local NCT ran. You can find out about your local branch here:

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You can usually go to their events when you are pregnant, which is nice because you get to meet everyone before the baby arrives.

If you are thinking of breastfeeding, you may also like to go to a Baby Cafe:

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You can go to these too when you are pregnant. If there isn't one local to you ask your MW if there is a breastfeeding support group locally.

Since having my DS I made most friends at the local music group for babies & toddlers and the local toddlers group.

And don't worry about your friendships too much, I was out dating and clubbing while all my friends were having babies, they said that my dating sagas kept them entertained while they couldn't go clubbing themselves. Now the tables have turned and I'm boring them all silly with baby talk while they are going out for meals and nights out while I'm stuck at home feeling crap most of the time! Good friendships will last.

Bananabump - thats a tricky one - meeting other mums depends on what you want to do it for...

I'm not in touch with anyone from my antenatal classes, all my friends who have babes live 200 miles away ish (!!), and my husbands friends are all 20yrs older than me so their kids are grown up.

I was lucky to meet a midwife who had a little one same age as mine, and they get on great - if its company you want for babe then go for a church playgroup - smile sweetly at the other mums and then go home and scream - or you mght find you really enjoy it

You could try a mums walking group - not sure how to find one, but they are about - or set one up - its good for you, and likely to be more like-minded people - and its free.

Do you have family near? You may find you enjoy the peace and quiet once everyone has left you - try and spread people out so they don't all come in the same week -and if necessary, lie about pre-existing commitments (plan your lie in advance!!)

Good luck and keep posting. 1st time around is a bit scarier - and although this is my 2nd, i'm glad I've found this network to brainstorm, and moan etc..

Bananabump, forgot to ask you in my last post, is there still an independant maternity shop is Shrewsbury and have you been? We live in South Cheshire and sometimes go shopping in Shrewsbury and was thinking of going.

Chester NCT have got a Nearly New Sale on:

Chester NCT Nearly New Sale
Date: Saturday 31 March 2007
Time: 1pm?2:30pm
Venue: All Saints Church Hall, Vicarage Road, Hoole, Chester

They should have some good bargains and you should also be able to pick up some good info there on whats going on in your area.

Also forgot to mention you could try Aquanatal and Aquatots if there is one local to you. Shrewsbury NCT used to run swimming sessions for mums & tots but don't know if they still do.

And don't stress about it too much, I never joined the Monkey Music or went to the Playgroup to make friends, it just sort of happened over time. You are bound to find at least one mum who you like and can invite out for coffee, the worst that can happen is that they say no! (its a bit like dating-only different)

bananabump - i am lucky having my sister due with her second a week after me, and another friend due in may, so know a couple of people to meet up with, but i'd still like to meet some people where i live. I have emailed the NCT people who were very helpful, and despite having no space on their courses, they have given me contact details for the person who arranges coffee mornings and things for after the baby arrives.

Would have loved to do the NCT class itself, but i guess the events afterwards will be better than nothing. I was thinking that in my own wee village, there must be other new mums around, so when i am around more during the day, I will meet some, and if not, I think I might set up a wee group and advertise it in the village shop.

Good morning August mums. I will not be sticking my nose in too often today as I am having a manic Friday at work and want/need to get to a yoga class at the gym at 1pm. I just wanted to extend sympathy to bananabump - especially for her friend's comment about the tumour!! You definitely need some mums as friends but hang on to your existing ones: they will catch up with you in a few years time and you will all laugh then about what's going on now. If you are foodie, why don't you talk to them next time you see them about maybe having a regular dinner party at yours? Instant no smoking premises without tears!! Maybe broach it in a way that they know they are important to you and that you don't want to lose them once you are truly housebound. Then they will recognise that you really have moved on a stage and they need to accommodate you instead of making you feel rubbish about not being able to keep up. If money is an issue you could make it one of those dinner parties where everyone tries out a dish and brings it around. We used to do this a lot in my twenties ( I am thirty nine now) as none of us could afford as many restaurants and bars as we would have liked!
Sounds like you live in a lovely part of the world by the way.

Growingbagpuss - thanks for the encouragement on the hypnobirthing. I am starting to question the enormous amount we are spending on this active birth workshop, as it will be truly wasted if things don't go to plan. The hypnobirthing I am learning from just the CDs so it is a "mere" £50 outlay. How are you feeling today? Maybe you need a friend to act as your shopping partner for a bit if you are really hurting yourself with lifting?

Hope everyone is well, and if I don't get to listen in later - have a lovely weekend and enjoy being pregnant!

Hello everyone, busy busy thread.

Bananabump, got another idea about meeting other mums. Our GP practice has a child health worker who organises baby massage classes and treasure basket sessions etc, maybe yours has something similar? The health visitor also gave me a list of local mum & baby groups etc when ds was days old.

GillL, this is my 2nd and as he's only going to be 20months when beanie arrives, am definitely going to get a double buggy. Have seen a fair few people with Phil&Teds and always ask them what they think of it and they're all really evangelical. Also, they sell really well 2nd hand on ebay so should be able to get a fair bit back on it.

Hi everyone! Welcome to all new names too. It's lovely we're a big group and that some of you live close and will meet up, well done.
It took quite a while to read through thread , congrats everyone on scans - mine's a girl too!
But I'm quite jealous hearing of classes and shopping! Wish we had NCT classes or even a single shop to buy any decent baby related item here in Tanzania.
Back on the ground here, start of the rainy season and I'm quite daunted about preparing for birth and baby. And noone to share this with here other than dp as of course everyone is having babies left, right and centre including both SIL's and hasn't any choice at all about where they go and think I'm being very 'mzungu' (european) i.e what's good enough for everyone else isn't for me.
But it took me 10 years to recover from the pain and shock of first ds, and that was ashort and easy birth with zero complications in a lovely newly built hospital. So I've always sworn that 'if' I ever had another baby I'd have as much planned pain relief and intervention as possible for birth.
Returning to UK for birth will be expensive as need to pay for everything not covered by BUPA even with NHS, as I've not been resident in UK for 6 years, even though I'm British! I can't even book ahead with NHS they'll only take me through A&E in labour even though I'll be paying around £2000 for 'normal' birth. Private hospitals are in London and so renting apartment will cost more and birth 5 - £10,000 depending on which hospital and consultant or midwife.
But here in Tanzania BUPA doesn't even recognise the 'best' hospital in town. The infant and maternal mortality rates are very high generally and it seems crazy for me to risk my and baby's health here. Further complication is that I'd have to be away for maybe 4 months alone as can't fly after 32 weeks. But we have a small hotel and July/Aug/Sept are our busiest time so dp could only join me for maximum 3 weeks around birth!
Sorry to rant but I'm bit beside myself on this tricky subject. Guess I'd like to know what others think. Would anyone else consider giving birth in one of poorest countries in Africa??!!

Sounds like a nightmare itchy but I think you are right to come home for the birth. What about renting somewhere that is NOT London but has a good local hospital? Maybe somewhere pretty in August on the coast like Bournemouth or further. I am sure there are lots of mumsnetters who could recommend their local. Or maybe renting just out of London - St Albans? High Wycombe? - to come in just for a private hospital birth.

Hi bananabump too, I just wanted to tell you not to worry alone. Tell your friends how you're feeling and your fears. They're suppsed to be friends - right?!! and this is normal life, the majority of women will have children at some point and those who don't may turn out to be excellent 'aunties'
I was 19 with ds1 and even now at 33 I notice some female friends, even younger sister, regarding my shape and all pregnancy complaints with horror.
But try to find other things to do with your friends and being the best dinner party host is a great one. I found my friends loved the fact that I became the only person with a proper home and most people are suprisingly child friendly once babe arrives.
Re: finding friends with babies locally, I moved from small town to London with ds1 and forced myself into every baby related activity I could find. Mother n baby groups, library parents groups, swimming pool, daily park walking etc, talking to all neighbours with young children
I hope this encourages you a bit

Afternoon ladies how are we today?
Just updated my pic's, I've put my 20 week and 17+6 scan pic on! DC off school as from today so planning lots of things to do with them. DS 4yr informed me where babies come from ......................... GOD, he said god makes us then puts us in our mummy's tummy, arrr bless, then he went on to tell me if I want to talk to god all I have to do is put my hands together close your eyes and then talk to him about anything, anything that is in your head, sooooo sweet bless. DS 7 yrs is going on 17 yrs thinks he knows everything , anyway hope you ladies are fine and well, GTG baby is beating me up, LOL. Babymadxx

Hi Itchy

Is there a particular reason you have chosen London? If not, then I think it might be a good idea to opt for somewhere else in Britain too, London sounds so expensive!

Have a look at this website and it may help you make up your mind:

www.birthchoiceuk.com

Retail therapy - does the trick every time hey? Just been down into town and bought crazy patterned smock top thingy from Dotty P's - it would look awful if not pg, but I have to take advantage of having some tits to put in it!!

Babymadwith bump - you must have had little un's when your Dad died - just read ur profile - mine died when ds was 6 weeks old - spent his last week nursing him with Mum - awful isn't it?! I keep dreading that something will go pear shaped in this pg and I won't get to do the whole baby thing again.

I was so depressed after ds was born, and dad died that I really remember v little about ds as a tiny baby. He was 14months b4 I realised how fab he was. Did u go thru anything sim'?

Ithcy - cheeky question - wha are you doing in Tanzania? Is it permanent or work or family?

Hi, thanks for link mum2george. I'm looking at it now.
Main issue is cost. I'm not entitled to free NHS treatment as a non-resident.
I have BUPA insurance but they'll cover £3000 maternity costs so I'll have to pay the rest. NHS treatment would be cheapest and could then pick a cheaper place than London to stay but I wouldn't be able to plan my birth at NHS hospital apparently, I've spoken to an NHS mangager to find out rules. I would have to be admitted through A&E. Which sounds a bit of a nightmare.
Then the only private maternity options are in London. It just seems like such a huge waste of money. 4 months in rented flat, upto 6 or £7000 for birth, flights, living expenses. We can't afford it and I'll be alone with ds1 and new babe mostly as dp will need to stay here to run business.
We run small hotel/bar/restaurant on the beach in Zanzibar.

It's kind of semi permenant.. I'm not really sure! We might give up lease on current place and build our own. I haven't lived in Uk for 7 years

Growingbagpuss, When my dad died my DS's were 3 and 5 1/2. I went to see my dad most days and had to take DS#2 with me so when he died I tuck DS#2 to see his grave and I told him that this was were granddad Gary now was, he understood me okay at the time for his age, still wasn't sure but he understands alot more now he's fine with it, they know that mummy's daddy is in haven and are fine, but my DC haven't seen me upset or anything mostly due to the fact I still haven't cried, I feel like I can just go and see him at any time (alive)...... oh it's still all messed up! It was only 1 week after my DS 3rd Bday that my dad died and I had to be SIL birth partner same week too, so everyone was happy happy but I felt like I was dieing inside. Xmas was the worsted didn't want everything to do with xmas if it wasn't for DH I don't think there would have been (I did buy DC gifts tho) and what didn't help was the fact that it was/is my dads Bday 2 days after xmas! It's so hard when you've got little ones as you dont want to upset them and worry them so you put on this happy face but your so sad on the inside. At the moment it's so messed up and still cant believe he's gone

Lots of interesting posts today. Don't think I've got a moving bump but I'm very achy today, mostly in my legs. I would have gone out for a walk at lunchtime with it's been raining really hard all day and I'd get soaked.

Re: birth plans - I'm planning to go to the hospital but only stay the minimum time. Although I may not get a choice as dd arrived in 5 hours total and I'm worried I just won't get to the hospital in time. Second births tend to be a lot quicker so I'm going to have to time it well. Quick births run in the family. My sister's first came along in 3 hours and the second in an hour and a half. Her midwife told that she was having a home birth. My dh is completely against it.

growingbagpuss - I remember shopping when pg with dd (dh worked nights and weekends so I had to go on my own). I had to pull the trolley cos it pulled muscles if I pushed it. There was one old woman who kept giving me evil looks. I almost asked her what her problem was but couldn't bring myself to do it.

bananabump - have you phoned up to find out if there is anyone else near you who has signed up for the NCT classes? You never know. Your health visitor should come to see you a couple of weeks after the birth. He/she should be able to tell you if there are any mother and baby groups in the area. Surestart run a lot of groups. I don't know if you have to be in a Surestart area but they might run groups available to anyone.

itcyandscratcy - try searching the pregnancy forums. I'm sure I've seen a thread a while ago about giving birth in African/Asian countries. You might find someone near you that you can contact.

Babymadwithbump - my babe was only 6 weeks so obviously never knew grandad - but he knows him in photos - one day he'll ask where Grandad is, as he is in pictures with my Mum - . Most of the time I feel ok - we had so much time to prepare, and as a urse I got my head around the physical side of Dad's illness ok.

I knew from day 1 what I wanted to happen - I would have had the baby, and Mum and I would look after him till he died -which is exactly how it happened. When Mum and I talk about that last week we are inconsolable - but we did the best we could for him.

I didn't ever take on board the emotional side of how having a new baby would effect me - I just thought I'd cope. I didn't. Babe was fine, but I used to give him to the nearest person having fed him, and got so cross at having to sleep, because I wanted to be on call for Mum.

The saddest thing for me, is one of the last sensible things my Dad said -we drove 200 miles to visit (I drove) when ds was 7 days old - and Dad said "see, I held on for him". Oops - thats me off now -sorry!! This is supposed to be a happy thread!!

My mother and I looked after him at home, night and day, and I didn't see my boys very much which made it worse, when he died it was all very unreal. The weeks running up to his death he was in so much pain, it was so hard to watch my big strong dad reduce to what he was at the end, it was so heart breaking still is! Like I said still messed up not spoke to my mother since a few weeks after he died which was about 21 months ago!

I feel I have nothing to contribute here but just wanted to offer my sympathy to you both - you have both been hugely brave I think

I can't begin to imagine what it's like for you both but just want to send big hugs.

Kiteflying - will see you at yoga on Sunday. Last week she went round the class beforehand and everyone had to say who they were and how they'd been feeling but don't let that put you off! It was quite informal, just a cuppa and a natter really. I'm the only Katy I think, not quite pushing forty but definitely more fat than bump.

BMB - I'm so sorry - I feel like I've opened up something deeply personal, and clearly so painful for you still. I wish i find something more useful to say to help you heal a bit.

Have you really not spoken to yuor Mum for that long? It must have really destroyed you both to go through something like this. All i can say is, that perhaps you could use that shared experience to try and talk to her (I don't know what your relationship was like b4) - she will understand -you've both lost someone extremely special.

If you want to carry on this conversation away from here, or not, or whatever, let me know and I'll give you my email address

growingbagpuss My mother and I BIG subject, a big no no!

insight I'm lonelyone