Due May 07 - Thread for w/c 04/12/06

[twelvedaysofchristmas]

Morning!

[largevirginbirthandtonic]

PMSL at most of you... Raisins saving calories, not being in maternity yet. Just what i neede this misearble morning, it is sooo windy here. We drive along the beach to school and got totally covered by the waves

I had a very, very bad evening last night, my exp is really sinking to new depths to belittle me, and make me feel terrible. He has now resorted to blackmail, iwas crying so hard last night on the phone to hime i thought i might cry the baby out. Even worse one of the twins heard and came in and as he had never seen me so upset he ran out to get the others, they were al upset and kept trying to make me feel better. I had lots of "who is it mummy, phone the police, dont talk to him, tell Neil (my dh)" It was so hard not to tell them it was their bloody father doing it to me, i dont want to crush their safe little world. Im still not sure what to do about it really. He basically has said he has decided to press charges against me for theft, when i left our house i took the childrens furniture, the fridge, freezer and tumble dryer. I told him i was doing it, i couldnt buy new ones and i knew he could. Anyway he is trying to stop me going through the csa, if i stop the csa then he drops the charges. He wants to pay £300 per month. He earns basic £46000 a year. He has also said if the csa pursue he will leave his job and go contracting and pay himself, through his own company, minimum wage, so the csa would take next to nothing. My head hurts, im normally calm but not doing well

Im tempted to cut my loses and take what he is offering, i may never get anything otherwise and we badly need it. It just kills me to think he can do this and get away with it. I still have to hand the kids over to see him, imagine having that kind of influence on your babies?

Sorry for long post, feel a bit better for having written it down.

[jabberwocky]

LVB&T, came over from NJ's thread as I was afraid your bad day had something to do with the baby.

My advice is, see an attorney ASAP! Do not let him bully you into agreeing to something until you know your full legal rights.

So sorry to hear about this

[LetitShnowLetitShnowLetitShnow]

LG&T gotta be brief as at work but wanted to post. Seek legal advice- Citizens Advice first if you don't have a solicitor. He is bullying and bellitling you- a very close friend had a very similar situation. She felt intimidated and tried to bend to his wishes. He only learnt that he could control her and it got so much worse before it got better. Legally he didn't have a leg to stand on (he went self-employed too and sold his house to get out of child support). A decent solicitor will see you through this.

Chin up, will post more later. He sounds like a very stupid, silly, bullying little man. I'm glad your Neil sounds so lovely.

Gotta go, boss approaches...

[LetitShnowLetitShnowLetitShnow]

And I'm not a huggy person really but can I offer you a pat on the back, some tissues and a very large bar of chocolate instead?

[CreenaberrySauce]

LVG&T - firstly, your ex is bang out of order. These are empty threats and if he tried to pursue such charges, he wouldn't have a leg to stand on. Bascially, you have the children to care for and you only took (with his prior knowledge) what was necessary for you to care and provide for them. Nothing frivolous or fancy - just what they need to get by day to day. What was he planning to do with the children's furniture anyway, for God's sake? I would really like to see him to try to get this as far as the courts, especially as you told him what you were going to take beforehand. Sounds to me as though he is desperate to get out of giving you any financial support and is trying all he can to get his way. If I were you, I would do the following;

1. Make a note of the entire conversation, especially the parts where he tries to blackmail you into dropping your CSA claim. Make it as factual as possible and avoid any emotive language. Stick to the facts - dates of events (like when you told him what you would be taking with you, when you left with said items and when the subsequent phone conversation took place), quote each conversation word for word as far as you can and make a note of the lapse of time inbetween you telling him what you would be taking and him threatening to accuse you of theft.
   
2. Can you go to see a solicitor? You may be entitled to legal aid but if not, the first session, where you are given advice on how to proceed and where you stand legally, should be free. It may be that all it will take is a letter from a solicitor telling him that it would be inadvisable for him to pursue his chosen course of action - call his bluff, so to speak.
   
3. Phone the CSA - tell them about this conversation and ask for their advice. I'm certain that they would have dealt with situations like this many times before. They should be able to give you some advice on how to deal with it and what to do.
   
   Finally, what kind of man would refuse to provide for his own children, his own flesh and blood? And to use such bully boy tactics to get out of it too? I know it's emotionally tough and easy for me to see but I would take him personally. I'd tell him that I won't be dropping the CSA claim and that you will be reporting all the threats and blackmail attempts he has made should he take any further action. Point out to him that if you warn the CSA now about his threat to change his employment status in order to avoid paying, he will look incredibly suspect if he does indeed do this later on after the CSA has been warned. They will know that it's a dodgy tactic and your ex will only be proving your claims to be true.
   
   Sorry if I've ranted on a bit here and I hope that I haven't upset you - I'm just so, so angry on your behalf!

[largevirginbirthandtonic]

Thanks guys, im just calming down. I think i will go to the CAB and ask them what they think. Im pretty sure im going to have to accept his paltry offer as he is going to drag his feet and leave his job to get out of paying, i dont really care about anything else, i just want the kids to have a nicer life. If that means taking his money while he offers it then thats best for them. He has just trashed any salvaging of the civil relationship we had managed to achieve since Jan this year. It's a shame as it makes it easier with the kids, but im notsure i ever want to look at him again, how could he do this to them? However awful it may sound i hope he just get's bored with it and phases out of their lives, he obviously doesnt give a stuff about them.

May lie down, my head is still pounding. I have eaten a turkish delight bar, it's not working, pat was nice though...

[lupins71]

lilkel i have to have the codiene as i have pancreatitis, it is ok in 1st and 2nd trimester,but should be monitored during 3rd trimester as baby can become addicted to it, altho with dd i still had to take it occasionally, but what can you do consultant said better to have happy pain free mummy than stressed out one

lvg&t sorry to hear you are getting a hard tme, he sounds like a right idiot, i would go to citizens advice or something - or turn the tables and say you'll call police on him for threatening bullying behaviour, grrrr some men

today was meant to be my last day on my own, dd at preschool, dp at work, i was going to pootle round town and relax later at home, but noooooo the bloomin preschool phoned to say morning session cancelled due to sickness, grrrr have amused dd this morning, at least she helped get tnites roast ready, then i have to dash to drop her off dash to drop dog off dash to bus dash around town and dash back to pick her up, ohhhhh moan moan moan, dont they know im pregnant and this is my last chance for about a month to chill out on my own

hope evry1 has a nice afternoon, Lisa xx

[lupins71]

is everone having triple test, i has a good nuchal scan surely something like spina bifda shows up - sure i read that somewhere, and have has 3 scans in all so far, just wondered what evry1 was doing

Lisa x

[DingDongWaspEllyonHigh]

LG&T
Here from NJ - but April/May anyway & hugs from me too. And, more practical than hugs - we're based E side of Southampton - so if you need a babysitter one eve so you can enjoy Dh on his return please let me know (and I mean that! I know what it's like getting babysitters - dh is desperate to see Bond!)
Best of luck getting help with horrid exp. I'd take advice as have friend in similar sitatuon - he's moved all his assets offshore (except she used to help w his office so knows where they're buried & is having to get by on bens until her lawyer has weaseled them out)
Hugs again.

[LetitShnowLetitShnowLetitShnow]

I think creenaberry has very eloquently covered it all- especially the advice re recording everything that has happened in non-emotive language just in case he ever does try to involve a solicitor. I am fairly confident that he would have a very difficult time finding a solicitor who would take his theft claims seriously and certainly it would not get to court imho. In cases like these solicitors will do everything they can to avoid it going as far as actual legal action being taken. With regards to the CSA I would phone them but I would also write to them and keep copies of any correspondance- they're not the most reliable of organisations at the best of times.

Do you really think he'd leave his very well paid job? You know him better than us, is it more likely to be an empty threat knowing that you will (as all mothers would) put your children first and just accept his paltry offer? What do you think would happen if you called his bluff? I'm so sorry you're going through this, you must feel sick to the stomach. If there's anything you need, just shout out on here and you'll get plenty of help and advice. I'm a bit far from you in Norfolk, but if you're ever in the area I'll shout you and your brood lunch!

Lupins, I had the triple test but only because we don't get the nuchal here. I don't think I would have had it if I had had the nuchal and was happy with the result iyswim.

Still fuming on LG&T's behalf...

Oh and TPT, back up to 8 sheets...

[largevirginbirthandtonic]

Thank you, thank you everyone.....ive no idea what i would do without all you ladies to talk to. I am feeling better, i managed to talk to dh, i didnt really want to tell him as he cant be here and he has 2 exams today and another tom. I just thought i would stress him out and it wouldnt be fair, he can see right through me though and made me confess all. Im going to see CAB and hope they can shed some light on it before i make any decisions.

Waspelly thank you so much for your offer of a sitter, it's damn near impossible to get ou and even if we could get a baby sitter the cost makes it too much. I would be happy to return the favour, how many have you got? Shsssssshhhhhh everyone she may not know i have 5....

Am decidedly cheered, no more doom and gloom i promise.

I didnt get the triple test either, ive had 3 scans and am 29 so have decided not to do it. All looked well, we find out the sex week after next... Oh of course i will tell all of you...

[MKGnearlyimmaculateconception]

LG&T-you are a better person than I am. You are so good for not telling the kids it was their father that was upsetting you. I would have told them, and let the chips fall where they may.

[largevirginbirthandtonic]

Thats what dh said MKG, he said they deserve to know and he wants to tell them. Im still not sure what it would do, i just think it may confuse them. Eventually they will find ou im sure, i found out what a lout my dad was when i was a teenager and saw it for myself. It just made everything that had happened in my life seem clear, it all clicked. I had new found respect for my mom and stepdad too.

[MKGnearlyimmaculateconception]

You shouldn't tell them. All they are going to find out is that their dad doesn't want to take care of them. It's better for them to make the decision that he's an ass all by themselves.

[Pinkjennyjoytotheworld]

LVB&T - what a freak. Stand your ground, girl, and don't let him see you upset. You can handle him. If all else fails, do what my aunty did - go round and threaten him with the sweeping brush.

Lupin - I am having the triple test after much worrying and heartache - I'm 29. I've had 4 scans for one reason and another and have never been spoken to about any abnormalities, although I haven't been offered the nuchal fold test.

TPT - still 7 1/2 bloody sheets - gutted.

Back to dh and his tooth. He kept me awake all last night practically in tears. And then, asked me at 4.30am - to go and buy him some ice pops from Asda. Do you think I went? As if. This last week has been great sleep deprivation training.

[lupins71]

Hope you get some good info at the cab, my dad was (is) a twot, i have nothing to do with him shame for him he doesnt even know he is a grandad, but my mum never stopped me seeing him or was rude about him in any way she let me make up my own mind, good for you, the kids will see straight through him when they are old enough to understand

I have to wait till january for sexing scan, and am actually not in a hurry to find out, will def find out, but was really impatient with dd, much more slack about the whole thing this time lol

Mangaged my dash into town, if anyone has little girls the entertainer has lots of my little pony stuff half price, walked out with a carrier back the size of a mountain, then remembered i would have to carry it up our hill - took some doing i cam tell you !!

Lisa xx

[twelvedaysofchristmas]

Hi LVB&T. I'm so sorry you're going through all this. I agree with what's been said. DO NOT accept his offer. Apart from anything else, he could just stop paying at any time and then you'd be back to square one again and have to make a whole new claim to the CSA. I know solicitors fees can be hideous so do speak to CAB for advice and to see if you can get legal aid if necessary.

Do you know how much the CSA would ask him for, or have you worked it out? There's info online about it if you don't know. Maintenance Calculator .

I wouldn't take less than that amount, but I suppose there is the option that you work it out between you (or in mediation, which I think you can get free) and then have a legal document drawn up.

I would write to your ex and state what you want, copy it and send original by reg post as a start. It means you have documents to back up your side of the story. I don't have legal background but am really good at finding out about rights/ laws etc online and can write a bloody good scary letter. (Lots of practice with the scurrilous estate agents I'm suing.) I know it's hard not to put emotional stuff in letters like that so I'd be more than happy to help you write the letter or read it over before you send.



Also, am glad you didn't tell the kids. TBH, I have seen that sort of thing turn kids against their mothers. Not least because when I was little, I wouldn't hear a word against my dad when he left us and he, incidentally, didn't pay my mum a penny either.

I firmly believe they will respect you when they are older for fighting him by yourself and not bringing them into it.

[twelvedaysofchristmas]

BTW, thanks Anneme. Will check the hospital policy.

[Juicythe2ndnotsowiseman]

LVB&T- So sorry yoour git of an exp is putting you through this. Sounds very much like sour grapes and a big fat bluff. All the other posts have covered what you should do, but know your rights and hold your ground. Sending you a big virtual

TPT still 71/2. I still look like I ate all the pies though

Staying in bed today as felt like shit this morning and decided the health of me and POD was more important than work. At least I get to keep up with this mega speedy thread this way!

[Juicythe2ndnotsowiseman]

SSSkyTV - Can't believe you have your 20 week scan already. Very . Have to wait another 5 weeks for mine. Fingers crossed for you. xx

[Pinkjennyjoytotheworld]

Hi Juicy

Can't believe you are 7 1/2 too - and you are one day behind me. I'm longing for a proper bump as opposed to a fat tummy.

Definitely best to stay in bed - especially in this weather, its so miserable.

[DingDongWaspEllyonHigh]

LG&T - I knew!!

CAT me (not sure how that works mind!) if you want. Have only the one 17 mo boy who's a doll about going to bed at the moment. I'm sure it'll change!

[CreenaberrySauce]

Ooooh, 12DOC - funnily enough, last night when we were in bed, I really could feel quite definite movement and flutterings in the area you describe (inbetween my pubic area and tummy button). I got DH to put his hand there, gently pressing down and he said he could feel it too. It was lovely to finally feel something and be a bit more sure that it actually was the baby!

TPT - I've gone back down to 8.5 sheets (even though I look ginormous). How mad is that?

[twelvedaysofchristmas]

Yipee for Creena! You just have to know what to feel for, don't you?

[Pinkjennyjoytotheworld]

12DOC and Creena - how many weeks are you? I'm getting paranoid now. I am 15+1 and can only feel wind when I press it. I'm worried I'm pressing the baby's head or something.