November 1014 - thread 5 - the rainbow collective romping (and limping) into 2nd trimester!

[weeonion]

hi folks - thought we should have a new thread!

arghhh anyone else have a dp who thinks they do loads round the house when they walk around a pick up some crisp packets once a day and leave the washing up for over a week!!!!! But of course if you tell them how you feel, they do loads that you don't see. (and obviously instantly becomes messy again the second they turn their back...)

I'm with you on that Alita. My Hubby's idea of tidying is moving something from one place to another, but not actually putting it away. So annoying!! Then he starts using random bits of cutlery and crockery when there's nothing left, just because he can't be bothered to wash one item. You need to draw the line when trying to butter bread with a steak knife.

Oh God, alita, also in that boat. Men coming in to insulate the walls of our house in preparation for winter baby today (this is government-funded currently, not sure of the details but might be worth looking for those who would be interested) and I have refused to put away any of DP's washing the last two weeks - I already wash it, dry it, iron it, fold it and stack it up ready for him, so I leave it on the spare room floor in neat piles and he can put it away where he wants to then. Got back from doing pony this morning, stuck my head around the door and he's put away all the piles - and by put away, I mean literally transferred them, still in their piles, to the bottom of the wardrobe. And then has the cheek to say "I think most of this washing is yours." while holding up a pillowcase! Uh, do you not sleep in that bed too? No? That's funny, don't know who that strange man I was cwtching last night is then...

Also, this is definitely a man thing: why, even when the dishwasher is empty and ready for reloading, must he put his dirty plate and cutlery on the counter on top of the dishwasher, instead of in it?!

Though I suppose I can't moan too much, because he has serviced my car (and paid for all the parts), fitted new patio doors and built me a shoe rack this week

Though Brand, I recently caught him trying to eat spag bol with a teaspoon rather than wash up a fork

I haven't put on weight either, but I do seem to be fatter. I'm not sure how that works - think it must be mostly bloat? My belly is normally quite flat and has pretty good tone all the way down due to horse riding etc, so thought it would be easy to see quite quickly. But still no sign of a bump and even low down in my pelvis I can't feel the 'hardening' thing, though my lower abdominals are pretty firm anyway so maybe I just can't tell? I'm hoping my MW will be able to show me how to feel it, but worried Bean might not be growing

Twiglet I wouldn't mind so much if he didn't think going to put someone elses shelves up was doing a job... yes it is it but it does not benefit this house in any way so it does not excuse you from doing thing's here!!! I've been asking him to tile behind the cooker for eons- he told the landlord he'd do it 8 months ago...
I might just do it- my Dads a tiler, I sort of know what to do, if I do it wrong he can't complain can he??

Is it really shit of me to love these conversations and sit here laughing no man no problem?? No, not really, I do sympathise, I remember the days with ex husband and his attitude that because he works he is exempt from housework, whether I worked or not, was pregnant or ill or not, whether it was his parents visiting or mine, whether I had already done loads or not. I got the blame for any household mess.

Sympathy to all those with various pains and pg symptoms. Its a tough job baking these beans

Have to admit - my dp is pretty good. He does most of washing up of dishes, putting them away too, he does most of laundry and all of ironing, he empties bins / does recycling, he changes the bedding, cleans the kitchen and does most of tidying too! He cooks dinner at least 3 nights a week. He works long shifts 3 or 4 days a week and his view is that i work v long hours at least 5 days and most evenings / nights are spent working too so as we are a team - he does more of the house / home work. i am involved in volunteering on a breastfeeding scheme and come youth / community projects too.

DD also has her nightly chores and a couple of bigger ones at weekend. Now she is 7 - she really wants to help out more so helps get her school lunch ready, sorts her uniform and collects her own washing / puts it away too.

i think i get off pretty lightly actually!!

i was looking forward to my homebirth MW appointment this afternoon but she has just texted to say that she is at a woman's labour so may not make it. trying hard not to be selfish as this other woman in v obviously priority but there was some things wanted to check over with her. ah well - that can wait!

Also, this is definitely a man thing…

[guiltily goes and moves plate and cup from kitchen surface to empty dishwasher]

I'm afraid DP is not shacked up with me for my housewife skills. I keep things mostly hygienic and that's about it. I will need to be a lot more organised about housework when the baby arrives - but despite getting my Brownie badge (the one with the broom on it, I forget what it was officially called) I've just never been terribly conscientious about it.

Speaking of which, I finally cleared out the cupboard in the box room today - I work from home a lot and use it as an office so it's the one room DP doesn't either clean herself or nag me to do. It's had coats in the hanging rail and files in the drawers. And I've discovered a moth infestation. I've chucked out the offending source (my mum's old coat, should have known - she's worse than I am) and laundered everything else, is there anything else I need to do?

Haha, sorry Posy!! Maybe I should have clarified that it seems to run in the male gene of both my and DP's families - his dad is just as bad as he is, and mine does the same!

weeonion, clearly you have got it sussed. I am envious! This is our first DC, but we have already decided that we'd like to implement a similar scheme to you RE having chores, even if they're just minor ones. We both feel very strongly about the importance of teaching responsibility and, to a lesser degree, a work ethic in this day and age.

Sorry to be irrelevant but I'm doing my first independent project at work and I've been bricking it because I've never done anything on this scale or at this level before. But I got the first proof back this afternoon and it looks amazing!!! I am so so relieved and I can't even squeal and run around the office like I want to because I'm trying to stay professional so nobody realises I don't have a clue what I'm doing.

BUT I AM JUST SO EXCITED!

Called the hospital and finally got an answer to the consultant vs midwife 16 week appointment. Apparently I only need to see the consultant at this appointment, I'll have no contact with the community midwife until near the end.

Greenstone, green people do nice ones. Then there's also sanex zero % roll on that doesn't have aluminium and reduced chemicals.

Ah twiglet, that's ace!well done!
I have the tiniest of bumps and it's very low down, partner is convinced I have a proper bump and I am too embarrassed to tell him it's a beautiful mix of fat and wind!!

Well baby is 4 inches long at 15 weeks so actually it with all it's fluid is probably making more of a bump than we think!

Talking of cleaning, has anyone else found that cleaning products are now really bad for your throat and chest? I feel like my throats all swollen and my chest is tight and I keep coughing!

Greenstone there's a brand called PitRok which is utterly odourless and looks like a lump of crystal. Sounds like it wouldn't work but it does!

weeonion I'm with you on being thankful for a lovely dh. In fact, thankful is the wrong word; I know loads Iof lovely men and women, just as I know a few challenging examples of each too. I find it a sad perversion of the original feminist principles that the 'all men are sh*t' line seems to be both accepted and believed so easily these days. We're all different and I honestly don't see how broad gender distinction helps us move forward as a society.

Sorry, bit of a rant for an antenatal thread! blame pg rage It just bugs me.

I do agree Utopian, but unfortunately my dp falls exactly into the stereotypical man in terms of cleaning and emotions :P

He's really upset me now :( He did 75% of the washing up before buggering off to his friends, then came home and moved a few of his things before going to another friends... I did 2 loads of washing, cleaned the kitchen and bathroom and washed or hoovered the floors, put things away, cleaned the microwave, washed up what was left and tidied DSDs bedroom as she was supposed to last night but ended up playing with the things instead of putting them away- and I got fed up of it being horrible. All of this needs doing today because the other two dsds are coming over later... He came back in before going to collect dsd from school, and said nothing at all about my efforts, he nodded when I subtly mentioned cleaning dsds bedroom (um do I not get a well done or a thanks?) he told me off for finishing the washing up as he was going to do it later apparently and then left crumbs all over the side I had wiped down :(

Wait till you get the "what have you been doing all day??" comments once the baby is born! Errrrrm - keeping your child alive and I had a shower which was a bloody miracle, what of it??? Get training them now!!

Thank god I'm slovenly. I have a miraculous ability not to notice housework that needs doing.

Basically my motto is "dishes must be done within a 12 hour period".

I iron as little as humanly possible. Can't see that changing after baby, tbh. My friend used to constantly complain of exhaustion after having baby #1, and then when I went over to her house she was ironing the baby clothes! And to my horror she then ironed a big pile of her DH's underpants! I said no wonder you're bloody tired, do those have to be ironed? But she wanted to do it all. All the time!!!

DH is a lot more house proud, so he probably does 75% of it. We've talked about after the baby is born, and we've basically decided that I'll do the cooking and laundry, and he'll do the vaccuuming, general tidying and bins. Shopping will definately be done online, cos neither of us will have the time or the inclination.

Good point anna I don't iron anything as I obviously have sluttish habits but dh irons his own shirts and always has.
We found after ds was born that dh actually rather had to take over cooking for a couple of months as ds was uber velcro baby. Also batch cooked loads of homemade frozen meals which got us through the first fortnight with no cooking at all. Whoop.

alita I didn't mean to be too ranty and definitely not aimed at anything specific. Feeling for you and agree there are times when all of us feel like a bit of consideration and help wouldn't go amiss though..

This is one major reason why I am happier alone. I'm a complete slut, totally disorganised, piles of paperwork and laundry everywhere and no one to moan at me about it. And slob that I am other people's mess really pisses me off and I have to clean their mess, which pisses me off, but don't mind my own, which obviously does not work for anyone I live with! If there is a mess in my house there's no one to blame but myself and I'm quite happy with it, but if someone else contributes to that mess my god I get the hump! And that is not unreasonable or hypocritical of me at all, m'kay?

utopian DH and I have always both been pretty sluttish in our ways so we tend not to raise disapproving eyebrows at each other if we've been too tired to clear up something or other. That said, we do both love a clean and organised house.We're both trying to be better and have systems in place because the mess gets to us both. So the will is there but the execution is the tricky part! It's like we feel once we've done all the work we shouldn't have to work at maintaining it too!

DH is the ironer in this house - I do not iron as a rule. That said I have started giving DD's cardis a quick little swipe with the iron so that she is not 'that crumpled child' - some clothes are fine unironed but I've started noticing the ones that need it! But yes I also hear of exhausted women with newborns staying up til all hours ironing and I just want to weep. Save the ironing for when life gets easier!

I think the main thing to remember when you have children is to not get into the habit of asking your partner to 'help' you with housework or even to feel like you have to thank them profusely when they do. I think we're often conditioned to feel like domestic drudgery is our duty and we should be so thankful for anything a man does. It's good to appreciate each other's input but I think you have to choose your terminology carefully. I tend to say 'brilliant, nice one, the cupboards are great now' or something as opposed to 'thanks for helping me clean'.

Thanks for the deodorant recommendations folks! I will be on the lookout. And thanks also to alita and Twiglet for the kick up the arse to go to the GP. I am sorted now with antibis and the GP was happy to prescribe. She consulted the BNF which said 'no known affects' for pregnancy for the penicillin she prescribed which was very reassuring. Also got to listen to the little heartbeat, although it took a while to find it!

Have a great weekend everyone

Greenstone I think that's the problem! He thinks he's doing something for me when he does housework but if I do it, then it's not for him... even when it's his washing!

Just catching up with this. I think I have to have a hospital birth anyway due to a pre-existing medical condition but I'm more than happy about that. It's great to have choice nowadays, but I know I'd feel much securer and reassured in a hospital. I may be slightly bias though as I'm a medic so have seen too many things to go wrong to make me want to birth at home, although I'm aware this isn't necessarily a representation of all the women who labour absolutely fine at home. A friend of mine is a midwife and has always been very anti-doctors etc and was adamant that she was having nothing but a Homs birth with her midwife friends delivering her. Cue several complications and her dd is only here today because one of the nasty doctors performing an emergency c-section!

I'm also lucky to have a fantastic DH- I feel guilty as he probably does a lot more than me!

Have you thought about not doing his washing alita? I've never done DH's washing, not once in 10 years.

My Dad always helped out with the laundry growing up, so it never occurred to me blokes couldn't do it. Also DH lived on his own for years so was acccustomed to doing it himself.

Once when It came up in convo with the same friend above (crazy ironing lady) she was scandalised. But I was confused and said "Why would I? I'm not his Mum". Then she said the immortal words "BUT YOU'RE HIS WIFE"

I just laughed. I still ain't doing it!

I once had a boyfriend who was very good round the house, pitched in and did his share 90% of the time, I didn't really have to nag him, and where he wasn't so good (cleaning) I was and where I fail (tidying) he was good so we worked quite well. Long story short he ended up running up bills of 7,000 the fecked off and left me to foot the bill. I said no & took him to court over it and his excuse in court, stiffling a giggle here, was that because he did the tidying, why should he also be expected to pay his way, he paid it in chores. Erm...