Martians 2014: thread 10. More scans, bigger bumps and eating for two! Nearly halfway there, ladies!

[IceNoSlice]

Thread 9

Shiny new thread. Welcome all those due to pop out a baby in March 14, whether you're an old hand or a newbie, come join the fun!

Wonder, my other half can't/won't give up either. Going through IVF he promised to quit to give his sperm the best chance but he was even smoking outside the clinic on the day of embryo transfer. We now talk about him quitting when baby comes (he never smokes inside the house anyway but I don't want him breathing fag breath near the baby). What I've figured out though is this: it's not up to me to demand he quits. He is a grown-up and will make his own choices. I actually think it is unfair to say it shows a lack of commitment to baby or me; he's gone through hell with me (and huge financial strain) to give me this baby and I don't feel right demanding he quit something he fucking loves. As a recovering alcoholic I also question the prudence of making him quit fags. Don't know if any of this helps but you need to deal with that notion you have that his smoking equates to him being a dick who couldn't give a shit about your baby or you.

In a similar situation Wonder . Only my OH is a heavy smoker with no health issue that makes it more dangerous for him. It's an odd one though because I smoked heavily until my BFP and then went cold turkey so it's quite fresh to me and I know it's very hard.

I'm worried though...just walked in on him playing peekaboo with the dog after a fag. Sat next to him and he really stank...all that was going through my mind was 'that's going to be a baby before long inhaling that smell'. But I don't know how harmful it is

...Wonder, I also think there are things our husbands could be doing that are a lot worse than smoking. Do you know what I mean? Thereare some proper fucking arseholes out there who utterly disregard the feelings of their other halves and make their lives miserable.

hi all pram your words are so kind. I've read them over and really value what you have to say..it makes a lot of sense and part of me does think AiBu but you ve helped me validate it all. If not triggered another . (hug)

Wonder77 it's our second but oh's 5th. Btw the smoking thing in a way not dissimilar, part of my issue is the drink drugs thing and health. It's not compatible for a happy family lifestyle and it's all about priority. Of course dh still needs to have a bit of his life that's his and if that involves a throwback to misspent youth every so often maybe that's ok. If oh could do things in moderation we wouldn't have an issue. ..

I do recommend relate lmeg. They do evenings and sometimes weekends. You'll get seen v soon if u pay & we are 35 $ a session. I don't think it can fix us but at least we can communicate slightly better.

Imeg, counselling takes one phone call and a fee of £25 (that's for the initial session; the rest cost £55. Bit like heroin, then). Make the call, pay the fee and sit back and wait for the appointment. You won't regret it, I promise you that. Tell your husband it is a one-off session to get communication going. He will not regret going. Everyone should have counselling, it's invaluable.

Apprentice, not one person on here has a prefect marriage/relationship but it is clear some of the men need to grow up a little more than others. How they spend their time right now might not be hurting the family, but it fucking will when a baby comes. Better sort your shit out now before the relationship implodes, I say. I think drugs of whatever class are an absolute no-no with a baby on the scene, but that's my opinion.

*by drugs I don't mean fags.

OH smokes 20 a day and has a bottle of red wine everynight. He refuses to smoke outside and smokes in the car when I'm with him, doesn't seem to give a shit about how hard it's been for me to quit or his health. He has high bp, irregular heart beat amongst other things.
He has no intention of giving up and I doubt the arrival of our bubba will change him, he says he will not smoke outside his own home.

Apprentice, being a single mother for a while wasn't so bad, but then I also had the immense relief of having got out of an abusive relationship that I thought I was trapped in forever.
And by the time it was just me and my boys they were older and past those years where you have to do everything for them. Being a single parent with a baby/toddler is probably a whole different ball game.

DP is being a complete arse and last night I told him to pack his stuff and leave, though I don't really want him to. He rolled in drunk at 2am and put music on which kept me awake. Selfish prick.
He's been up all night still hasn't slept. I've got in the bath with the door locked to get a few moments of peace. Fucking arsehole.

Kara, you can not let him smoke around your baby. Those perfect new tiny lungs do not want to be polluted with cigarette smoke. And it raises the risk of cot death. Tell your selfish oh that he's risking his baby's life if he smokes around them.

Wonder That would upset me too. If he has a condition that is made worse/could be made worse by smoking then he shouldn't be smoking. He is an adult, which makes me think even more that he shouldn't be so selfish as to knowingly put his health at risk when he's about to become a dad.

What's the point anyway? He only smokes socially, so it won't be as difficult for him to quit as proper smokers.

It does show a lack of commitment. You have given up certain foods, alcohol, excessive caffeine etc as a precaution. He should be doing the same.

When you are talking to him about it are you doing it when he's actually smoking or are you sitting down afterwards and telling him your concerns?

Just read the rest of the updates. What's with the men being arses today? Sunday's are meant to be relaxing!

Jesus, men are such arseholes. Lyra obviously I agree that behaviour is not on. Also wonder culturally if arsehole behaviour is more acceptable in certain cultures (Turkish, Greek, Scottish..). My oh! s Greek mamma has a mentality that woman should put up n shut up! I've sent oh out to avoid huge domestic and am now ruminating that I have been to hard on him between the seven texts and the very vicious words and threats to send him packing also. Lyra enjoy your bath.

Kara couldn't he at least smoke outside the door? ....

Oi apprentice Scottish men are lovely!

Well DP is anyway. There were a few arseholes before him...

Apprentice, there's definitely something in the cultural thing. Men behave very differently in Turkey. He's seen his own father come home drunk and his mum put up with it. That's the lesson he's learned from his upbringing. He's got to change because I will not put up with it when there's a newborn in the house. The baby comes first. He also smokes in the house when my boys aren't here but that will also have to change. He's not polluting my baby's lungs. No fucking way.

I do love DP and thankfully he's nothing like my ex but he brings with him his own unique set of problems/baggage. I want our relationship to work so very much but there's some behaviour I cannot and will not accept.

sorry hot cross didn't mean to offend. Although my oh sounds like a dick he is also a v wonderful man but guess I'm not focusing on this atm on this forum.

Lyra quite right get those boundaries laid. I'm off to work now ds napping, choc and tea required.

Lyra, why didn't your DP collapse drunk and fall asleep? Why hasn't he slept? Has he taken drugs last night? That's what would worry me.

The thing with Kara's OH is this: if she starts preaching the dangers of smoking around babies he'll simply turn round and say that his other ten kids are perfectly fine. It's a tough one and I don't necessarily think you can say it makes them a dickhead. It's a terrifyingly strong drug which is far easier to kick if you're pregnant. There's just no excuse to smoke in the house though.

Because he kept drinking till it was all gone. He gets like this sometimes when he's upset and angry with the world. He needs to man up.

On smoking I kept making dp shower and change his clothes after he had one and slightly exaggerated the dangers of third hand smoke (I know they're bad but I made them much worse) and the hassle of him having to wash and dry his hair etc after smoking each time made it more hassle to smoke than it was worth for him, he also has bad asthma though so I was a bit more militant than I would have been otherwise. I do I think its a responsibility they have same as you as the mother if they aren't doing it sensibly.

On those who smoke in the house I would say you should probably not be living there in that case for your baby!

Wow. Thanks for your responses everybody. Really helped. Lots for me to think about. Thank you for your points of view and sharing your own situations.

You didn't offend me apprentice love, I was just jesting

pram take your point about worse things as he is lovely is all other respects.

grey you make a good point- he does shower and wash clothes when he comes in from night out and has been smoking.

hotcross I think like you. I am talking away from his smoking but usually prompted by finding a fag wrapper in his pockets when doing the washing!

karam :( that's even harder to deal with. I'm so sad for you that he does that

sorry to hear of the troubles with partners, I'm not sure what to suggest in a lot of scenarios and there are many wiser ladies on here who often offer perfect advice, but i am so glad this thread is here for us all so we can have it as an outlet and helping hand when things are a bit tough (bit soft today)

we've been packing today and i dropped a bloody giant heavy piece of wood (which i shouldn't have been moving but dp had gone down to the garage and i was fed up of being treated like i was made of glass ) on my toe and i think i may have broken it, whoops. learnt my lesson, cant help but think someone was trying to tell me something.

Saw carl today, meeting up with him for dinner he seemed really upset n i feel bad :(

this amoxicillin is making me really tireeed

sorry to hear about husbands they all have their moments though good and bad..

12 hr day tomorrow boohoo
Xx