MARTIANS 2014 - Thread 9: Heartbeats, hormones and more Gregg's pasties than you can shake a stick at!

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Old thread!

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Welcome Martians!

Aaaaahhh, sweet revenge. Was feeling horrendous last Sunday with sickness, headaches, tiredness, bit if a cold etc... DP convinced me it was a bad idea to visit my mum (my normal Sunday ritual) then proceeded to have me cook every meal, made me a brew 8 hours after I asked for one and basically did his own thing all day without giving me a second thought...left me in the living room alone all smegging day.

He's just come in from football. He aches because he's been a bit lazy fitness wise recently. He's a big complainer if something hurts. Wanted me to stay home and look after him (cook for him, massage him, make him drinks, basically make the evening about him). I have laughed and reminded him of his behaviour last weekend. After several minutes of telling me I'm being cruel, I've finally had a 'yeah, come to think of it, I should take better care of you when you're ill'. Men are such felch stains sometimes.

Prambo sorry love but someone has to pull you up here. The stepson. He's only a child. And he needs his Dad. And he needs to be welcomed into his Dad's family especially after what he must have been through with the alcoholism. Sorry. Maybe you could chat it through again at your next counselling session.

Kara, what do you mean when you say your OH has 'plenty of children'? How many is 'plenty' and how old is he, pliz? (I love being a nosy bitch, me).

Ok cross post there. I still mean what I said. The child needs his Dad. But i do understand about you wanting bedroom #3 for the baby. How about your OH moves out of his bedroom when his son comes to stay?

Pram maybe you can talk about things at your counselling session? I think there's definitely compromises to be made so you're both comfortable with the situation (i.e. the bedroom). Honestly though, your stepson is just a child and needs his dad and a family life as much as your baby will.

pram I can kind of see where you're coming from but I do think you're being unreasonable Of course I don't know the history but if the roles were reversed how would you feel if he wouldn't let that precious baby in your belly be a part of your life???? You want him to love and be a father this baby and so he should but he should be allowed to do the same for the son he already has.

cool my dh is also being a bit meh about the whole thing. I know he's struggled to accept it but can't they just put on a brave face, be a man and support us in the way we need???

Tomorrow's granny tips are for the father to be!!

pramela thank you! see i'm not sure on this, i don't necessarily think he needs an entire room for this as it would lay dormant the rest of the time, but i think maybe he could share with his dad or as ice said, his dad sleeps elsewhere and him in his dad's room or something as a compromise when he comes and if money needs to be budgeted carefully. that way you could see how often he does actually come over and if it would be better to rearrange to suit situation. i think realistically, as much as he is his son, it is not where he lives, so to me his needs would have to fit around those actually living there, which is never impossible.

comms probably winter next year, or maybe summer the year after, depending on what we come across/would be better in which time as we haven't really looked at all yet, we plan events so i imagine dp will have a set plan of what needs to be organised when and what depends on what! with you 100% on pfb!

kara i agree on not feeling like a whale, although i don't really drink so i don't mind that haha! i will be having no children, even my own at my wedding, so that also has to be accounted for timing wise but in a different way to yours haha! how long have you been with your partner if you don't mind me asking? how old is he? nosy nosy nosy.

Grey how exciting! I do events too, I imagine when it comes to planning my own wedding I'll be unbearably organised!

Thanks, girls, for your honesty. I really appreciate it. I am aware that IABU and that this boy need his dad. I would never deprive him of that relationship. However, here is the history (if you can be arsed to read; if not, skip over by all means):

When DH and his ex-missus got pregnant they were both raving alcoholics (after having met in rehab and recovered then relapsed back into alkie-dom). DH got banged-up in prison for five months and his missus' alcoholism was such that Oliver was taken into care. He remained in foster care until he was eighteen months-old, when they won him back from the grasp of an adoptive family at the eleventh hour. They were very, very lucky.

Since then the missus managed to stay sober but DH went from bad to worse, ended up living on the streets, in-and-out of hospital and then, finally, back in rehab where he met me. He started getting access to Oliver when the boy was five-ish and has had regular weekly contact with him since leaving rehab (he goes every Saturday to see him and we were having Oliver every other weekend to stay over until I put the kibosh on it when DH & I split up over his gambling).

Now, I understand th'usband's abject guilt over this boy having spent eighteen months in care, I really do. But the way he over-compensates gets on my nerves (the boy is spoilt rotten by his mother, who is on a wad of benefits after having convinced soc services Oliver is Aspergers). We cannot afford £100 for Oliver a bike; we cannot afford to contribute to the £2000 Lapland trip his mother is making this Christmas with Oliver; we cannot afford the £32 th'usband spent last weekend buying MacDonalds for Oliver's mates and their mums at his eighth birthday party.

I understand DH's need to make up for his past mistakes and for being a shit dad, but I don't have the energy or the motivation to accommodate DH's attempts at redemption when my baby comes.

Can I ask, those of you whose husband's have children from previous relationships: how often does he see them ? How often does the child(ren) sleep over at your house? Do they have their own room? Thanks.

Moosey, yes, I believe Oliver should sleep in his father's bed if he comes to stay ( and he can put up with his shit-filled nappies at the age of eight).

Shit pram, what a mess. DH doesn't have kids from a previous relationship so I'll bow out now. I can understand your frustration at the finances and your fierce desire to make sure your baby is provided for - but to make sure your OH gets this, you need to talk. And counselling sessions- I hope very much that you are still going, for his sake as well as yours- would perhaps help with this? Ah mate, good luck.

Prambo If you and the other half do not share rooms would it not be easy to put a cheap fold out sofa bed in your husbands room?

I don't know if this counts but my parents split up and my mum moved away, we never had our own room in her house but we did have some draws for toys/clothes/toothbrushes and so on because sometimes it was easier to leave bits there.

While I do agree that Oliver needs to see his Dad... I don't want to add extra worries but will Oliver be treated differently to new baby. Wouldn't be fair if Oliver was given more than the other child or less for that matter.

Pram, I can see there's a lot of difficult history here, but as you say you can't/wouldn't prevent your husband having a relationship with his son, so I think having him to visit is not unreasonable. And much as you might not want to be reminded of it, your baby will also be his half brother or sister (unless I've misunderstood the relationships involved), and I think this should be taken into account in the interests of the two children.

Perhaps having his son to visit would actually be cheaper and potentially less divisive than your husband taking him out for the day (I'm guessing this is what happens at the moment)? I'm sure having his own room isn't essential though. Maybe an option would be to get some duvet covers/posters/toys with designs he will like, which you get out before he arrives so that when he comes to stay he feels like wherever he's staying is 'his' space, even if it's not permanently his when he's not there?
Definitely sounds like a topic for counselling sessions if you're still going.

I'm not sure this is what you want to hear, but that's my thoughts on it. I hope you find a way through it with your husband.

prambo my husband was a child from a first marriage and treated awfully and like a second class citizen when 2nd family children came along. He has never got over it. If you are with someone then their children are your family. Hope you can find the love for DH little boy. But your feelings are totally understandable and normal, it's how you act on them that count.

Thanks, Ice and Pantomime for your input. Yes to counselling, Ice & Comms - we are still waiting for a follow-up appointment. It's essential we continue with that and DH is up for it, too.

The bottom line is I do not believe Oliver needs a second home. Yes, we should accommodate his relationship with DH but he has his own home with his mother and this is going to be my home for my baby.

Imeg, your post is eminently sensible and reasonable and is, I am sure, the way I should be going. I just hate being number two in DH's list of priorities but at the same time know that this is the way it is when children are involved. Yes, my baby will be Oliver's half-sibling, perish the fucking thought.

Wonder, it's funny, but before I discovered th'usband's gambling I bent over backwards for Oliver and spent a huge amount of time and energy with him when he cam to sleep every other weekend. Since I unearthed DH's fuckery I've become 'fuck you and your need to be a good dad, you should've thought about that when you were trashing my trust'.

Could Oliver not stay in the 3rd bedroom until the baby is old enough to be put in there through the night? Or have a little area of the room that's 'his' so he feels welcome?

Do you like Oliver Prambo?

Pram sounds like an absolute mess, poor boy. My advice would be to come up with a plan that both DH and you are comfortable with that will also be fair for Oliver and Pram Jnr and agree to stick to it so that everyone has stability. Definitely agree with the chair bed in th'usband's room.

pram it sounds such a hard situation to deal with , ESP when pregnant. Hope you can work it out with DH so that you will find the energy to feel more positive towards his boy. Really hope it works out. Horrible when your trust in someone is shattered.

My DP never had a relationship with his dad so missed out on his siblings too. While they have a relationship now (in their 30s) it's one of his biggest upsets and I know his brother had a really hard time growing up knowing that he was 'in' with his dad and DP wasn't, so that might be a different side worth thinking about for your baby.

Have massive craving for Yorkshire puds. And I've already had 3 today. Hmm.... Sure there are some aunt Bessie's in the freezer. P.s def not a real craving- just my excuse for gluttony.

Hello ladies... Quick question... Am I allowed chorizo & smoked sausage?

Lamb I think yes.

prambo you nosey cow! Nah jokes :) he's 34 so we have a 14 year age gap and he has 10 children. I know what a slut.

lamb I think they are more likely to harbour listeria etc. but probably only if expensive the supermarket stuff is likely to be cooked through and ok, but check.