Distressed, pregnant and fed up.

[MoJo5]

Bet there has never been a post like this one. I'm due in July, dc3. My Spanish husband wants to go to Spain a week after my baby is born (due 28 July) and take dc1 (7yrs) and dc2 (3.5yrs) with him! He hasn't even checked to see if my mum is coming! He says he would stay the first 7 days after baby born and wants to take the second week of August (which is his second week of paternity leave) to fly to Spain with the kids during that week and stay there till the end of August. I'm so upset today. I had a massive row with him last night. Feel in tatters today after our "negotiation" got him up to staying 10 days after the birth! He totally doesn't get it! He isn't back from work yet and I'm not surprised after I shouted down the road as he left for work that he was selfish! Basically his reasons are so that the kids don't "lose" their Spanish and the Spanish village in the summer is the best way to mix with other kids and speak the lingo.. and quite frankly he has openly admitted to me that he doesn't want to be in UK "without work" in the Summer! I told him his work was to look after me! He told me he was going to book the flights today.

He is being very insensitive about this! Aside from leaving you alone with a newborn, which is pretty selfish, how could he bear to be away from his new DC so soon? Very weird behaviour. Also how will your DCs cope with being away from their mum and new brother/sister?

Do you have any idea why he is being so selfish? Is he usually unsupportive or is there some underlying reason?

If all else fails would you consider going with him? It doesn't resolve the problem of him being a twat but it would mean you would have all your family around you.

He wants me to go with him but I really don't know if I can register the baby, get a passport and travel to Spain so soon after having the baby! Apart from anything I don't know when dc3 will arrive (could arrive late) as births are so unpredictable. I know why he is being like this because he feels it more important than ever that our dc's don't miss a Summer in Spain. He sees it as a golden opportunity for them to improve their Spanish language and mix with the Spanish kids in the village. The village is only alive in the Summer, the rest of the year no-one goes there. He is highly obsessive that they are not going to speak fluent Spanish, even though they are both pretty bilingual. He is very aware that I am English and that he gets back from work at 7pm and never really gets much time for them to speak with them in Spanish. That is even when I let him read to them every single night in Spanish! I would love to read them a bed time story but never get a chance. He basically wants them to be Spanish and wants to return to Spain after more than 20 years here in UK. (Sorry he is Spanish himself if I hadn't said before). However he has a good job here and the situation in Spain now is very difficult. I find his attitude very upsetting. I never meant to get pregnant with dc3 and I certainly need all the support I can get as you may see on the "going back to work" post my aim was to find work and get out of the house, not be at home again for another 2 yrs aged 40 ! So this whole concept of being pregnant has been a huge shock (I found out at 3 months) and only taken till now to kind of get used to. There is a strong possibility that I may get depression after the birth. The least he could do is says he understands my feelings. He won't even cut the bloody lawn!

I think some of the practicalities are do-able. You should be able to get the birth certificate and passport done fairly easily (well not YOU, but your DP as you will need to rest and look after the new baby!) and I was told I could fly (with DD of course!) one week after a c-section, although you would need the OK from your drs.

If the birth is later on that clearly makes it impossible to fly out on those dates but I assume that your DP would then delay his plans as well. Or is he proposing that he goes no matter what? That would be an ever weirder decision!

To be honest it sounds like the two of you need to sit down and make some decisions about where the family will live in the future. I can sympathise with the difficulty of this kind of situation as the main reason we left the UK was that DP was fed up and wanted to live somewhere else (although Greece is out of the question for us as it's in such a state even DP doesn't want to return there!). Perhaps a compromise is possible?

Yes. WE have tried to discuss but he wants to live in Spain and me in UK. Difficult to explain but all the properties are in his and his brothers name in Spain not in mine and we rent here in UK. He won't change that or buy anything new in my name. His brother has never worked (45 yrs) and both my parents in law are dead. He has no other sibblings. So you can see the situation is complicated. If things go wrong I have no-where to come back to. Can't go back to my mums as she is a hoarder (I haven't been to her house for 8 yrs). My gut feeling is it would be stupid to go. He doesn't want to go there at the moment but wants to retire there in seven yrs time.

As it stands I am due to give birth on 28 July. He has booked a flight to a wedding in Spain for the 22nd July weekend. Then he leaves on 9th August with our dc for the rest of August. Luckily my mum can come but I feel upset with my mum that I can never go to hers as she won't accept that she has a hoarding problem.