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Bereavement

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Original poster

Is anyone else awake????

63 replies

baggybear · 11/08/2005 00:24

Can't sleep. Just had MC and too many things going round in my head to get to sleep tonight. I'm exhausted and don't know what to do.

Anyone fancy a chat?

OP posts:
MarsLady · 11/08/2005 00:29

hi babe. Just posted on the other thread. I'm sorry that you lost your baby.

I'm up for a little while longer. Talk away!

jura · 11/08/2005 00:30

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kama · 11/08/2005 00:32

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jambutty · 11/08/2005 00:36

Me too - no sleep here at the moment. How are you feeling now?

Original poster
baggybear · 11/08/2005 00:37

I wish i could put my tears on here. I don't know what to do. I ve never felt like this in my life. I have 3 beautiful sons and have never had a MC before. So i should feel grateful for what i've got, and i am, VERY, but i just can't get over what i've lost. can't stop crying. I'm on my own as DH has had to go to work tonight. I feel so lonely. That little bean i talked to everynight before i went to sleep has gone.

OP posts:
jambutty · 11/08/2005 00:39

Oh, I'm so sorry. Just keep on here if it helps. When is DH back?

sallystrawberry · 11/08/2005 00:40

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Original poster
baggybear · 11/08/2005 00:44

He'll be back tomorrow morning about 6am. Its the loneliness that is driving me mad.

Started bleeding Sunday. Got worse over next couple of days . Seen at EPAU on tuesday and was told the pregnancy didn't go past 6 weeks (although i would have been 7 weeks that day). Have been bleeding really heavy since yesterday pm, and really bad cramps. To make things worse (and im so sorry if this is TMI) i was unlucky enough to see the sack and membranes today. went to loo and there it was on tissue. Oh my god, as if i hadn't been through enough. And i know this sounds rediculous (sorry spelling) but I felt so bad for flushing it down the toilet. Is that really stupid???

OP posts:
Original poster
baggybear · 11/08/2005 00:46

I don't know how to say goodbye

OP posts:
Chandra · 11/08/2005 00:46

I'm so sorry to hear that baggybear. How old was s/he? I really don't know what to say but I'm sending you a very very big e-hug.

jura · 11/08/2005 00:47

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Original poster
baggybear · 11/08/2005 00:47

I should have been 7 weeks the day i found out i was MCing. I know that wasn't very far gone, but i can't help thinking what it would have become...my baby..MY BABY!

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jambutty · 11/08/2005 00:48

I know what you mean - had an mc 5.5 years ago and remember thinking I'd seen "something" in the hospital loo - very distressing.
Do you have to go back to the hospital? If you want to talk about something else that's fine.

Original poster
baggybear · 11/08/2005 00:52

No, i need to talk about this. I know i can say anything and you will listen. DH has been great. The pregnacy was a huge shock to him and wasn't as pleased as me, but i think this has made him realise how important it was.

I feel so silly when i say some things to DH and the few people that know. I want to mourn a loss but not sure if people will understand. I want to do something to mark this. I've still got my poss preg tests and can't bring myself to throw them away. Thats all i've got left of this baby.

OP posts:
Chandra · 11/08/2005 00:54

No, is not stupid, I understand how you may be feeling but Bean was not there anymore.

Would it help to light a candle for him and tell him how much you loved/miss him?

jambutty · 11/08/2005 00:55

Dh wrote a poem about how he felt at the time that it happened. I put my hospital wristband and the poem and a flower from a bunch DH bought me in a little box which I occasionally find and look through, makes me cry but means I will never forget despite having two gorgeous girls now.

Original poster
baggybear · 11/08/2005 00:56

Yes Chandra, that is a wonderful idea. I loved baby so much. exactly the same as i love my 3 wonderful sons. He/she was my baby and i want just want him back so much

OP posts:
Original poster
baggybear · 11/08/2005 00:57

im sorry if spelling and typing get a bit rough but can't see through tears

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jambutty · 11/08/2005 00:57

I think a candle and a talk is a lovely idea.

Chandra · 11/08/2005 00:58

Oops, it took me a long time to write the previous post

You don't have to pretend Bean was not around because he was not yet born. You are allowed to grieve and feel as you feel. You don't have to forget him/her either if you don't want to do so. Some people plant trees to remember the loved ones that have left, some others (as me) light a candle to remember them from time. You should keep the tests and everything that reminds you of him for the time you consider necesary.

Original poster
baggybear · 11/08/2005 01:02

This is going to sound silly too, but i do want to try again, not yet, but some time, and i'm afraid that keeping these things will jinx thigs for the future.

People keep telling me this happened for a reason, that perhaps baby wasn't "right" somehow. I know they mean well, and they are probably right, but i can't help thinking that he was my baby. That 1.5cm, little shrimpy thing with little more that a tube for a heart, was MY baby.

OP posts:
Original poster
baggybear · 11/08/2005 01:03

Im sorry if i sound a bit off. just really finding it hard to come to terms with. You are all being so kind.

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MarsLady · 11/08/2005 01:03

I think that Chandra's suggestion is a lovely one.

You are allowed to grieve baggy. Nothing that you say is stupid!

jura · 11/08/2005 01:03

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jambutty · 11/08/2005 01:06

A lovely Dr told us to grieve and then to look forward, that we would have another baby, but that we would never forget this one. Remembering one child doesn't necessarily mean that you won't be able to move forward when the time is right but you have to do what feels right for you, whatever gets you through this awful time now.