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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Is anyone else awake????

63 replies

baggybear · 11/08/2005 00:24

Can't sleep. Just had MC and too many things going round in my head to get to sleep tonight. I'm exhausted and don't know what to do.

Anyone fancy a chat?

OP posts:
baggybear · 11/08/2005 01:09

I think tomorrow i will go out (wish me luck) and get a pretty box, and a special candle. I will put my tests, a poem i have already found, and a roses from my favourite rosebush from my garden in the box and put it somewhere very safe. And I will leave the candle somewhere i can see it everyday, so my baby knows i won't ever forget him. I do beltve in heaven and i know my baby is there.

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Chandra · 11/08/2005 01:13

We will be thinking of you. Many many hugs

jambutty · 11/08/2005 01:14

Now you're making me cry. I'm sure he's there, too.

jura · 11/08/2005 01:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

baggybear · 11/08/2005 01:20

thank you all. i dont knwo when this will feel better or when the tears will stop but talking to you has helped a lot. i'm not sure when or if i'll get any sleep tonight but thanks for making htis hour more bearable.

OP posts:
MarsLady · 11/08/2005 01:21
Smile
baggybear · 11/08/2005 01:26

im going to try to sleep now. DS3 (who's 2) has woken so i'll let him sleep with me tonight so im not on my own.

thank you all so much.

i'll stay in touch. xxxxxxxxxxx

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jura · 11/08/2005 01:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jambutty · 11/08/2005 01:27

'night. Try and get some sleep.

baggybear · 11/08/2005 01:28

night xxxxx

OP posts:
Chandra · 11/08/2005 01:32

night night BB

jambutty · 11/08/2005 08:12

How are you thhis morning?

HumphreysCorner · 11/08/2005 09:11

baggybear-just seen your post. Really feel for you hun. I MC on 30th May this year at 12 weeks and scan showed sac had grown to 10 weeks and baby had died at 6 weeks. I let things go naturally and on my first day back at work I went to the loo and the 'baby' was on my pad. Like you I felt devestated at flushing him/her down the toilet. That was one of the bits I found hard to deal with along with the why's?.

Please join us on the TTC after a MC thread if you need a shoulder to cry on.

(((((((xxxxxxxxxxxxx))))))))

baggybear · 11/08/2005 09:29

thanks Humphreyscorner. I will def join you on TTC thread when this isn't quite so raw. I'm sorry you had to experience the same as i did. The whole idea of saying goodbye that way is horrible.. Have decided to say goodbye properly today.

I didnt get to sleep til about 3.30am. Was the worst night i've ever had. But at about 3am i thought of some words. I wrote them down and after that i slept like a log. Almost like i had to do that to end the day.

Can I run what i wrote down by you. Its quite private but i know i can trust you - you feel like my friends. xx

OP posts:
catsmother · 11/08/2005 11:19

Hi Baggybear, just wanted to add my sympathy for you too. Almost 4 years ago, I went through exactly the same thing as you - same time frame, same physical sensations, same experience in the toilet .... and, by the sounds of it, same emotions.

Of course you are grieving for your baby. It angers me (though they're probably not being deliberately nasty) when other people refer to a MC as being "for the best", or it not "really" being a baby yet. What baffles me is that no-one is so dismissive when you announce a successful - but equally early - pregnancy. When I found I was pregnant, of course you start to imagine what the baby will be like - you imagine their future basically ... and when you miscarry, it's not only your baby you lose, but yours & their future together as well. In other words, what you understood about your future life yesterday, suddenly doesn't apply any more and that understandably knocks you for six.

I found it very hard to "get over" - even now, I still feel upset if I think about, but all too often, I think that women who experience this aren't allowed to grieve properly ... another thing that's been quoted to me is that approx. 1 in 3 women miscarry at some stage, as if that'd make me feel better ? To my mind, that means that an awful lot of women must go through this anguish, it doesn't mean it's trivial.

I ate myself up because I felt the passage of something when I went to the loo. In a strange way I felt very guilty for flushing it away - but what else could I do ? I also felt terrible each time I passed what appeared to be a little more tissue and obviously, had to throw that away too. Like you, I have the pregnancy test which confirms the one-time existennce of another baby. I don't think I'm morbid to keep this ... I have been pregnant 3 times (2 live births) and I'm not going to shush that up if I don't want to.

The thing is, I think each woman has to deal with something like this the way she wants - blow anyone else who feels uncomfortable by mention of such things. For example, if asked how many children I have I say 2, but then add that I lost another baby early in pregnancy. I don't care if that's the done thing or not, but personally, to say otherwise, would feel to me like I was betraying that baby's memory ... if that makes sense. In my head, as well, I always think of that baby as a girl called xxxxx - though obviously, I didn't know the sex.

What I also did was to buy a simple silver ring as a memento of the baby. Guess I just wasn't prepared to sweep the whole thing under the carpet, because it was important to me. I only knew I was pregnant for a couple of weeks before, but in that time, my mindset completely geared up for the arrival of the new baby - and as there had been a huge gap (11.5 yrs) between this pregnancy and my previous one, I invested a lot of hope in it. When I miscarried, I just couldn't understand the injustice of what had happened - why did fate put me through that after waiting so long ?

So, BB, I know that there's very little anyone else can say which is going to make you feel better. As with any bereavement, the time it takes for you to start to feel "normal" again will be as long as the proverbial bit of string. That means you take as long as you like, and you deal with your loss in any way you want. I am really really sorry .... take care.

HumphreysCorner · 11/08/2005 13:40

baggybear-you can say whatever you want as we all understand and will all listen.

((xx))

baggybear · 11/08/2005 15:08

Thank you so much catsmother. Your words mean so much. I know I will get over this one day, but I don't know when, and I will never forget. I will allow myself time to grieve and adjust to yet another future. I, too, know this was a girl. I know most must be think "but how could you know" but i know. I had a name for her already, and if, in time, I do become pregnant again, I will not use that name again. This baby has an identity, a name. I will refer to her as this name. Thank you so much, Catsmother, you have given me hope today. Thank you xxxxx

This morning I went out and got a pretty box which is covered in little stars. Into this I will put my tests, a pink rose bud from my garden and a simple little card with these words, which came from my heart at 3 o'clock this morning:

I didn't get to see your face,
But I knew you.
I didn't get to touch your skin,
But I felt you.
I didn't get to hear you cry,
But I heard you.
I didn't get to hold you,
But I cradled you.
I didn't get to kiss you,
But I loved you.
Your existence was so short,
But I loved you every second.
I will always love you.
I will never forget you.
My Baby.

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HumphreysCorner · 11/08/2005 16:09

baggybear-such lovely words.

I also put my book in there that the midwife wrote in (I photocopied it before the EPU took it off me).

Hugs to you hun ((((((((((xxxxxxxxxxxx)))))))))))

baggybear · 11/08/2005 16:24

Thanks humphreyscorner. I'm not a very poetic person, and i know i won't win any prizes for my words, but they sum up how i feel. Sounds like a cliche, but they just came to me in the early hours.

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Cadmum · 11/08/2005 16:28

Baggybear: Your words are beautiful and all the more meaningful because they are your own.

In tears now...

I am virtually useless to you in this state. Really, really sad for you.

jambutty · 11/08/2005 16:31

I think being able to put into words how you feel is important. Those words are beautiful. One step at a time.

baggybear · 11/08/2005 16:45

Thanks everyone.

I know with the strength and support of my DH, close friends and family, and of course you, I will get through this. Thank you xxxx

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baggybear · 11/08/2005 16:46

That isn't me signing off BTW. Just saying thanks. DOn't feel ready to leave you behind yet...

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baggybear · 11/08/2005 16:50

Cadmum - sorry, posted on wrong thread (you'll know what i mean!!) Left a post for you on other MC thread. I am really pleased for you XXXX

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Cadmum · 11/08/2005 19:26

thanks baggybear, This is not likely the best place to discuss my concerns (as I know how very fortunate I am to have made it this far) but I don't feel out of the woods yet as all of my miscarriages have occured much later than this.

I can't really bear the thought of another loss hence the reason that my heart really goes out to you.

With Owen (our first miscarriage) both DH and I wrote him a letter (crying our fool eyes out in a public tea-room because we were staying with my very uncaring parents). The children drew pictures (DD(2 at the time) drew the baby swing that she was longing to buy for the new baby) (DS (4 at the time)drew 3 children running around together under a tree and was telliing us how sad he would not be able to run around with his brother until they met in heaven.)

I still have the pregnancy test and photos of his wee body in a special place. Still makes me sad to think about how perfect his little hands and feet looked. He had very long fingers with lovely nails already. I know that he is in Heaven (with his sister and twin brothers) and that in some ways it is enviable that they have never away from God. They are His until my passing and there is no safer place...