Mumsnetters do really really well but ……

[retiredlady]

I have tried several times to write down what I am thinking about how we, the Mumsnet readers, support people in their darkest hours. I still don?t think I have sorted out in my own mind exactly what it is that is niggling away at me but I do know that I have spent many hours reading different threads and the sadness of some of them and the compassion and good sense offered have made me cry more than once.

But I still don?t think we are quite getting it right.

To me there doesn?t always seem to be the link that I would have expected to see between the urgency of the cry for help and the number of postings in the thread. Sometimes the balance seems wrong so for example (using a made-up crisis here for obvious reasons) ?two little girls living next door were drowned in a local lake? although most unpleasant for the OP is not nearly as urgent as ?my two little girls were drowned in a local lake?.

One change I would make would be to have Bereavement as one of the chat topics that comes up automatically rather than hiding it away under the more ? sign. Perhaps swap PRS option with Bereavement??

I have also made a paper list of the threads where I think urgent support could make a real difference, perhaps even a life-or-death difference, and if I don?t see anything being posted for perhaps 24 hours I will show the OP that they are not forgotten by posting something myself. Other readers might care to do the same?

Aah I remember that one!

Link doesn't work, Sparkle.

'to see between the urgency of the cry for help and the number of postings in the thread.'

So you think the quantity of posts is more indicative of sympathy than the quality of the posts?

Retiredlady you seem to have a very odd understanding of internet forums.

You don't seem to realise that we (the posters) are not service providers, we are service users. MNHQ are the service providers and the only people who might want to call in external consultants - if they did it would be consult on their end of things, not ours.

To use your analogy, what you are doing is like an external consultant in the NHS lecturing the patients on how to improve canteen services. Or going into a bar and telling people that they ought to interact more effectively and talk to the lonely bloke in the corner because he's at high risk of alcoholism.

It's not our obligation to provide counselling services to other posters except insofar as we want to help through sheer humanity - and if you bothered to look around you would find there's a lot of that going on.

[http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=relationships&threadid=816014-Is-this-it-then-bored-and-slightl y-sad-until-I]]

bugger!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=relationships&threadid=816014-Is-this-it-then-bored-and-slightly-sad-un til-I

actually if you care to delve deep into the archives of posts you'll find that very little has changed in terms of support, only the range of topics and the number of posters.

Thankfully these days MN has moved on and bereavement or miscarriage threads are no longer having to be placed in "other subjects" or "health"

FabBaker that is so true - I remember a period when I posted lots of threads when I was in a bad place and some people just did "un-MN hugs" - but it meant so much to me that they'd read and had bothered to type anything.

retiredlady - stop commenting on Mumsnet and just join in. You never know - you might actually start to enjoy yourself!

And without actually experiencing the support that MN has, can and always will offer, you must realise - surely - how patronising and offensive your comments are? If you didn't when you posted the OP, surely you do by now - and I think an apology is due to the rest of MN. As well as to MNHQ who do a bloody good job keeping us in line running the site.

Christ almighty, nothing like being lectured to by a newbie.

I post on bereavement threads if I feel particularly moved to do so, or if I know and like the poster.

But you know what? In most cases, I don't give a toss if some stranger's 87-year-old granny has died. I don't know them, they don't know me. I'm sad for them in only the most fleeting, academic way.

I come on Mumsnet for the fluff - the style, chat and AIBU bunfights. I have enough real life going on in my own real life, thanks very much.

To be fair to the OP, we did tell her to get a hobby, we just didn't realise it was going to be sorting us lot out.

What an odd post. I think it is an unfortunate coincidence at best that you first appeared on a thread full of unpleasant vampiric (sp?) trolls- perhaps you should do more to "earn your stripes", as it were, and gain people's trust before you wade in with your recommendations on how to best run the site?

One of the truly despicable things that troll(s?) did was to post in bereavement actually. With a made-up story which completely detracted support and attention from a long-standing member who was looking for a bit of friendship and comfort. It was very distasteful.

I have no idea whether you have a direct connection with that rather unpleasant individual or not. But I am a little sceptical of your motives nonetheless.

BoF - First appearance was this - I can't find anything ear;ier. What posts are you referring to?

What a bizarre OP. I don't want to be made to feel bad for not being sympathetic enough when I come on here. It's not my responsibility, though I do believe in giving support as well as taking it from mumsnet. But I really have no qualifications to offer the sort of support that the OP is suggesting.

I do thing about mumsnet when I am not on it. I think about Trinity a bit at the moment, but aside from donating to LewisFan's collection there is not much else I can do at the moment.

And you know what, when right now I am feeling like I am not doing very good as a mum, nor as a wife, friend or employee I really don't need to be told I'm not being a very good mumsnetter. It was the one thing I could rely on doing well.

I think this is the troll thread where RL chips in to support the authenticity of the troll, but yes, it is a day or so after the one you linked, cat.

Hmm, I'm on bog cleaning duty now will read asap.

mind boggles and may be running away with me, but
RL highlighted the word external in one of her/his posts and I had to do a double take as I read it as extended
and then I thought, no, can't be, can it?

StayFrosty, how are your piles dear? I do worry about you.

OK, the toilet is reasonably acceptable now.

I would guess that Extended and RetiredLady are the same poster. Was that what you were all getting at?

1. Style is very similar, ploddy precise etc

2. Age group probably similar judging by circumstantial comments

3. Two very interesting posts about the 9 most important people in your life:
   Here
   By Extended Wed 17-Jun-09 11:15:45
   "...I had a long term sexual relationship with my sisters husband - before they were married or even engaged - and to cut a long story short we ended up living an an extended family unit (9 at the last count)..."

And here
retiredlady Sat 29-Aug-09 18:25:53

"Let me see - husband, 2 daughters, 2 sisters, perhaps BIL, SIL and 2 nieces."

They certainly have a similar "feel" anyway.

I was taken with the need for RL to "improve" MN, along with EXtended's comment about the mythical "Mark" who has Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder.

A good quote about this condition, with the normal "I found it on the Interweb" health warnings:

"persons with this condition tend to resist the authority of others while simultaneously demanding that others conform to their way of doing things."

Conclusion -
from my intensely shallow research, I think RL is indeed NOT exactly who she says she is. However I can easily believe this poster is a non-working 50 something with little to occupy their existence.

OP - I disagree, people, it would be ridiculous to think 'which category should I post my bereavement in' bereavements don't fit into neat categories of someone we love or someone we hear about!

Bite yer leg I will