Mumsnetters do really really well but ……

[retiredlady]

I have tried several times to write down what I am thinking about how we, the Mumsnet readers, support people in their darkest hours. I still don?t think I have sorted out in my own mind exactly what it is that is niggling away at me but I do know that I have spent many hours reading different threads and the sadness of some of them and the compassion and good sense offered have made me cry more than once.

But I still don?t think we are quite getting it right.

To me there doesn?t always seem to be the link that I would have expected to see between the urgency of the cry for help and the number of postings in the thread. Sometimes the balance seems wrong so for example (using a made-up crisis here for obvious reasons) ?two little girls living next door were drowned in a local lake? although most unpleasant for the OP is not nearly as urgent as ?my two little girls were drowned in a local lake?.

One change I would make would be to have Bereavement as one of the chat topics that comes up automatically rather than hiding it away under the more ? sign. Perhaps swap PRS option with Bereavement??

I have also made a paper list of the threads where I think urgent support could make a real difference, perhaps even a life-or-death difference, and if I don?t see anything being posted for perhaps 24 hours I will show the OP that they are not forgotten by posting something myself. Other readers might care to do the same?

I wouldn't say it's fickle, just limited in what it can do.

As for how MN works, it's an internet forum. It grows organically through the contributions of its members, and that is as it should be. Leave it alone.

You cannot believe that Mumsnet was born in exactly its current format. It will have changed and I suspect changed a lot since it was launched.

Why should the need for change (or at least considering if any changes, big or small might further improve things) have suddenly disappeared??

Dear retiredlady,
Thank you for your concern. But we aint broke, so don't try to fix us.
Yours faithfully,
purepurple

"It looks as if my ideas have little or no support which is fine by me. Perhaps everything really is OK and even the most minor changes are not needed. Somehow I doubt it though."

RL just read that comment and the tone comes over very badly.

It may be that people are not listening because your tone is "off".

THere are very few sites where people bother with posters who write ALL IN CAPS, or in txt spk, or who don't use paragraphs to space.

Likewise, the way you post, the words you use, the attitude that comes across, influences people to listen to you or not.

Change comes organically RL, as and when it is needed.

retiredlady;

only so much anyone can do, i personally don't get involved in the personal lives of internet strangers,

why are you so concerned about this.?

exactly cytteen.... and all the posts on here point to the fact that this particuar part of MN is working fine

RL no one has said it hasn't changed. It has even in the last two and a half years I have been on it. It just doesn't change in the way you say.

You are not listening to us at all.

"You cannot believe that Mumsnet was born in exactly its current format. It will have changed and I suspect changed a lot since it was launched."

Change either comes from MNHQ (changes in how the mechanics work) or from posters themselves (changes in how we behave). You cannot tell people to behave differently. Eventually over time social norms may shift and people will beginto behave differently of their own accord, but you can't come in and say 'you're doing it wrong'. We are all using MN for a number of different reasons and using it as we like.

And for my third comment on the thread, (then I have really got to get some grub on, listening is vital, but it is important to demonstrate that you have listened or people will believe you haven't done so.

what an OP. Join a forum and then start correctin it.

Riven, its "correcting"

I haven't much to add really to what others have said.

I have had a lot of support on here, when I was in hospital dp commented on the number of emails and offers of practical real life support I got as well as postings on here.

I do wonder if post daily mail that may change as so many of us have name chamged and I ( or dp) would never let anyone know that I was in hospital or something so personal.

To make paper lists of threads is very odd and also rather cold and unfeeling.

It wasn't me it was the big boy did it and ran away

What a strange op. MN is a parenting forum, not a bereavement only forum. I have nothing to add to bereavement threads except my condolences, it doesn't mean I don't care, it means I don't know what to do to help.

If you had been on MN for a couple of years you would have realised that if there is a real life or death moment, the support is outstanding.

fankyew cat

and RL, you should've put this in 'site stuff'

I find the OP and her further "clarification" very strange. The Talk Board are not some "organisation" in need of (or even seeking) improvement. We are a group of friends -albeit remote ones via the medium of the internet - who gossip, ask for advice, share good (and bad) times, share tips and information, rant and yes, occasionally ask for (or are given) support as required.

Nothing more, nothing less.

Rindercella's posting is very true: consultants can only work according to a cusomter's brief and to achieve a particular objective. I too have worked as an external consultant (and have employed them too) both in the public and private sectors (including the NHS). It would be the height of arrogance to make assumptions in the way the OP has.

RL - are you an external consultant touting for work?

I dont like this.

The thing is not all support is given on the threads many posters choose to email people or CAT and then its a private thing between 2 mners.

Pas de Calais Riven, pas de Calais!

I've been thinking about this whilst doing the ironing. Rather than competitive sadding, it is professional sadding! I don't see MN as a bunch of "tortured souls". It is wide variety of people who come on to talk to other "friends" - albeit ones they probably don't see in RL. And MNetters (like everyone) have problems, worries, and tragedies that they want to discuss and get support and advice with.

But also, there are new pregancies, new babies, new jobs etc, and much joy and laughter from sharing experiences about bringing up our dcs. And then there are the more grown up discussions .

We are not a bunch of professional counsellers! The discussions here are of the type you would have with a friend, though anonymity is often a useful tool in some cases. All too often, people with serious concerns are pointed in the direction of the "official/professional" support for that concern. Be that CAB/Women's Aid/CRUSE etc etc

I don't understand your desire to "big up" the bereavement topic here for want of a better phrase. Or to add some kind of "service level agreement" to it. As everyone is saying, it works well - it doesn't need improving. And this is being said by the people who have sadly needed it's support.

Death and bereavement is a sad fact of life. We will all be touched by at some point. The rest of the time most of us probably don't want to dwell too much on the subject! (Without meaning that there is no sympathy for people who are affected IFYSWIM)

What is it that makes you want to come to MN just to read other people's sad stories? Does it make you feel better about something that has happened/is happening in your life?

On the mental health and bereavement threads, someone posting I am so sorry is just as much appreciated as paragraphs of other best wishes. It means so much that people care enough to take the time to type out a few words.

As usual, MN was at its best in the last couple of weeks when Trinity lost her husband and her children lost their father.

It is fine as it is.

http:/www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/816014-Is-this-it-then-bored-and-slightly-sad-until-I?

All becomes somewhat clearer....