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Original poster

is there a support thread for those of us who have lost our mums (or dads)?

32 replies

chimchar · 21/07/2009 12:28

on reading here, there are many of us...it would help me i think just to have a place to put my ramblings.....

my mum died very suddenly two weeks ago today...my body seems to have taken over and i am carrying on doing relativly well...i just can't think about it. the pain of my mum not being here is too much to bare....

its the really stupid things that are getting to me....i feel like whilst i have my lovely dad, who is doing ok and trying his very best to be there for me, he is not my mum iykwim? she was my best friend and confidante, my fashion consulant, lol, my number one fan!

do you know the really stupid and selfish thing? i care for everyone else (my family, friends, dh, kids, work etc) and she was the one who cared about me.....who will spoil me now?

OP posts:
FlorenceandtheWashingMachine · 21/07/2009 16:02

Hi Chimchar,

My mum died ten days ago after a short illness. I am so sorry to hear about your mum.

I spoke to my mum every day and we had great fun together, so like you I have a big gaping hole in my life.

I know exactly what you mean about having someone to care for you. I guess that the answer is that you have to be kind to yourself now and cherish yourself in the way your mum used to.

I am doing okay, but keep bursting into tears. I can't quite believe what's happened as I hoped my mum would live to 94 like her mum.

Flo x

Original poster
chimchar · 21/07/2009 16:51

flo...so sorry too to hear about your mum.

my grandma died about 3 years ago at the grand old age of 88, so i too was expecting another 20 odd years of love from my mum.

its all so odd...i KNOW its happenned, but still can't quite believe it....

do you have any other family?
x

OP posts:
Besom · 21/07/2009 17:12

I'm so sorry for both of you.

I lost my mum many years ago now, but I still sometimes have that feeling you're describing - who's going to mother me?

I think you've just got to think 'what would my mum say to me about this, or what would she do?' and your own internal emotional resources (that she helped you to build up by giving you her love) will carry you through.

cat64 · 21/07/2009 17:19

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SalVolatile · 21/07/2009 22:07

... but I can't remember her before she got ill it terrifies me that I look at photos from years ago and think "I can't remember her at all then/like that" when my siblings can......I feel that all I can cling on to is the final few memories of her , and she died in my arms after a huge struggle and i find myself reliving the moments just because they seem the reallest memories I have

Lifesabitch · 21/07/2009 22:26

Hi everyone....really sorry for your losses...I lost my lovely Mum about 3 weeks ago now and I just feel very numb. It hasn't sunk in at all and I just feel so sick in my stomach and my heart is so heavy at my loss.

My Dad is really self absorbed in his own grief and just expects me to be around for him 24/7 but I can no longer do this. He is suffocating me and I'm exhausted by his needs. He is very dramatic and his response to me not being there, is that I don't care about him and so he 'may aswell die too'. He's using emotional blackmail, saying that Mum would have wanted me to look after him.

Mum was just 72 and my Gran is still alive in her 90's, so this was completely unexpected, especially given that Mum was very healthy. I miss her terribly and cannot process what has happened. I feel guilty for needing time on my own away from my Dad but guilty that I'm not there for him and that I haven't brought him to stay with my family.

thumbwitch · 21/07/2009 22:31

so for your recent losses - we have just gone through the 2nd anniversary of losing my mum - we had 7 days notice that she was terminally ill and sat with her through her last night. The memory of that night is still so strong...

I was 18w pg at the time and I think part of me shut down to protect me and my baby from the extreme stress - part of me still hasn't quite "got it" that my mum has really really gone. I feel sometimes like I'm living some parallel universe life and that mum's still alive somewhere. Consequently I don't grieve for her as much as I feel I should, iyswim. That is very hard too.

My mum died about 20 years ahead of time too - that makes it so much harder.

(((hugs))) to all who need them.

2shoes · 21/07/2009 22:39

feel for you all
my dear dad died in febuary and it is so hard.

cat64 · 21/07/2009 22:56

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myredcardigan · 21/07/2009 23:06

It's been 2yrs since a drunk driver killed my mum. I'm struggling terribly with accepting it and letting go of my anger.

Everytime the kids do something wonderful I want to call her but she's not there. It's breaking my heart.

thumbwitch · 21/07/2009 23:17

oh myred, that's so awful. for you

GIvePeasAChance · 21/07/2009 23:20

MyRed : not being able to call is so painful

My dad died last Friday, and I just want to call him and tell him all the stupid things that have been going on with the funeral arrangements and the boys. He was the one who 'got' me the most.

cat64 · 21/07/2009 23:38

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Salleroo · 21/07/2009 23:39

I'm with Thumbwitch, my dad died almost 3 weeks ago and I had a 5 week old dd at the time and have to just get on with life for her and DD1 20 mths.

I'm not aching with grief. I have a little cry most days when I think I'll never get to see him, talk to him, tell him about a book I've read, ask his advice. But am generally doing really well.

We had 3.5 years to prepare (Cancer) and I got to be with him the last week. On the day he died I told him all the things I'll miss when he is gone and reminised about all the fun times we had. Maybe that makes it easier?

Sitting with him that last day will haunt me. He was unconcious for most of it, broken in the end. He had never once complained in all the time he was sick and only that last week told us he realised that when people were asking How was David? he wondered why. He only just realised that it was him and he was dying.

I suppose on another level, I think if I start crying I'll never stop.

myredcardigan · 21/07/2009 23:39

Thanks. I find it difficult to talk about. I've been on MN for 5yrs yet when it happened I just couldn't cope with the idea of coming on here and talking about it.

I am grieving but I know I need to let go of the anger in order to grieve properly.

myredcardigan · 21/07/2009 23:43

Yes, I think time would have helped. Obviously in my case the shock is overwhelming.

Salleroo · 22/07/2009 00:04

Myredcardigan, you poor thing. I can only imagine the anger you must feel towards the driver. I do console myself with the fact that I got to say goodbye to dad and we had time to prepare in so much as you can.

Original poster
chimchar · 22/07/2009 06:10

red..so sorry about your mum...it sounds awful. i think that anger takes over from any happy memories and eats away at you...did the driver get caught?

so sorry to everyone on this thread who has lost a parent...i guess we can all understand some of what eachother are going through...

you're all right...it is the little things that i'm missing already...the kids school reports, my ds had a trail for a football team, and got the letter to say he'd got in just after my mum died...she would have been so proud...and it bothers me that she didn't know...

my ds is having an operation today...its a minor thing on the grand scale of things, but its under general anaesthetic and i'm so nervous that something will happen to him.., because whilst i KNOW that he'll be ok, i can't help feeling that in the nightmare of my mum dying, things like this happen to OTHER people.....not me! [naive and stupid emotiocon]

one day at a time though eh? x

OP posts:
everymum · 22/07/2009 09:14

Thank you so much for starting this thread chimchar.
I lost my beloved mum 6 days ago and I don't even know what I am doing or how I feel. It is such a shock.
Like so many of you have said, my mum was my best friend. When I was pregnant she picked me up every day from work and I know no one will ever take care of me like that again. I am also so desperately sad for dd that she won't have her as a grandma, or even remember her (she is 10 months).
Not enough concentration to read all your posts properly today but I will come back when I feel more noormal (10 years time...?!). I think it would be very helpful to talk to others going through this.

FlorenceandtheWashingMachine · 22/07/2009 10:54

Oh, I am so sorry for everyone. I am trying to focus on the very many happy memories I have of my mum. The only bad ones I have are of her actual death which haunt me.

SalVolatile, that must be so incredibly tough for you. The thing that upsets me most is the fact that my little one (4) is the only grandchild who perhaps won't rememember gran as the vital, fun woman she was.

By the way, for anyone who would like to talk to someone face to face or on the 'phone, my FIL is a counsellor with Cruse who give fantastic, free support:

Cruse link

Original poster
chimchar · 22/07/2009 20:04

hugs to you everymum...((()))

even just two weeks on, i am going through the day...i'm still very numb tbh, but i am managing, and as long as i don't think about it, the physical pain of my grief has eased at the moment.

i've just started a thread here... not sure if its anyone elses "thing" or not...i'd be really interested to hear your thoughts or experiences.

x

OP posts:
Original poster
chimchar · 26/07/2009 21:03

missing my mum so much today.....finding life very hard at the mo.

OP posts:
2shoes · 26/07/2009 21:06

sorry to butt in..
I have had one of those days, I just can't stop thinking about my dad, and missing him, I think it is cos we are going on holiday next week, and there has been no letter(with a chaque in it, bless him) and no phone call demanding all the details of where we will be. It is going to be so odd getting there and not ringing him

Original poster
chimchar · 27/07/2009 07:58

hey 2shoes... don't apologise...not butting in at all.

sorry to hear you're feeling it too...i know what you mean about missing things...

i keep thinking about my mum and the practical things..we're going to a wedding next week..she would have been shopping with me for our outfits etc, she would have treated me to something, and she always buys my kids clothes when she's out bargain hunting....

[sigh]

there is no cure though is there?
x

OP posts:
anastasia74 · 27/07/2009 10:08

Chimchar I lost my dad just over 2 weeks ago. Had his funeral last tues. think I'm just a few days behind you, if I remember right.

I was the same yesterday. Went to my mums and kept expecting him to walk in and say 'where you been' like he always did. I went to his grave to look at flowers - I did'nt cry - I feel its all too much for by brain to accept. My big strong dad is under there- don't be stupid - that can't be true.

It still hurts physically - his absence, feel I want to talk to him about whats happened. I keep busy like people advise going to pictures, shopping, tidying then it suddenly hits me and I feel devastated all over again - the reality of it all. Nothing will ever be the same again.

I'm due to go back to work next monday. I want to but feel that the very act of going back doesnt feel right, as if I'm acting 'normal' going to work like nothing has happened - still can't sleep very good and am still exhausted by it all - keep thinking about things that happened in hospital etc. Its like I'm trying to rationalise all the time.

Its such a turmoil is'nt it.

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