is there a support thread for those of us who have lost our mums (or dads)?

[chimchar]

on reading here, there are many of us...it would help me i think just to have a place to put my ramblings.....

my mum died very suddenly two weeks ago today...my body seems to have taken over and i am carrying on doing relativly well...i just can't think about it. the pain of my mum not being here is too much to bare....

its the really stupid things that are getting to me....i feel like whilst i have my lovely dad, who is doing ok and trying his very best to be there for me, he is not my mum iykwim? she was my best friend and confidante, my fashion consulant, lol, my number one fan!

do you know the really stupid and selfish thing? i care for everyone else (my family, friends, dh, kids, work etc) and she was the one who cared about me.....who will spoil me now?

[chimchar]

oh girls...hugs all round ((((()))))

myred...i know exactly what you mean...i do keep thinking that i would never cope if it was one of my children gone, or my husband.... too awful to even think about...sadly too many posters on here know how terrible the reality must be.

today is a new day..i've got a nice day planned (dispite the rain) and i'm trying very hard to take it literally, one day at a time....

hope you all have a peaceful day x

[myredcardigan]

Thinking of you chimchar. I'm obviously further down the road and I'd love to say it gets better... The shock does lessen and you do learn how to cope but the feeling of loss doesn't leave.

This is going to sound absolutely awful but do you know what gets me through? Being grateful that I've lost my mother and not a child. When I'm at my lowest I think of a women I know who lost her daughter and I just thank God that I'm not living through that. That's the only thing that, to me, could be worse. Sounds terrible but I hope you all understand what I mean.

[anastasia74]

Chimchar and little girl, Hugs to you both,its a week today since my dads funeral - I hate having to be on this thread. I've been on MN for years now and never for one second thought I would have to be on here. It just makes life feel so fragile and transient and very frightening and his absence hurts - like you say chimchar its like a weight on your chest - when will it go away.

[LittleGirlLost09]

Chimchar, I can so identify with your feelings, Im thinking of you x

[chimchar]

its been 3 weeks tonight that my mum died...i can't believe it.

i just listened accidentally (had forgotten to delete it) to the answerphone message my dad left me to say mum was quite poorly and the ambulance was going to take her to the hospital....i went cold, and have not been able to stop reliving the horror of it since....

god. 3 weeks...it feels like i've been living it forever....i can't remember life before my mum went....i feel like i have the weight of the world on my shoulders...a tightness in my chest that feels so....heavy i guess.

[LittleGirlLost09]

Its a comfort that this thread is here, although I wish it didnt need to be.

Anastacia, I felt the way you just described too, the first days or so back at work were not very productive, and I felt guilt at acting 'normal' too, but it helps to get back to some routine, and your dad would want you to try and get back to some normality Im sure.. it doesnt mean that nothing has happened, it really doesnt. Im only recently starting to listen to music again, and I've felt guilty about that, and I keep telling my mum that it doesnt mean Im right, it doesnt mean I am over the loss of her, because I never will be.. but Im trying to not fall apart at the seams. It is absolute turmoil, and Ive been in a very dark place, depressed, thinking about dying myself.. mum would be glad to see me doing things that I like doing, I know she would. I hope she can. I bet your dad would be the same.

I still go over what happened in the hospital, and I've tried to rationalise things, but havent been able to.. my opinion right now is that life is just one crazy game, that sucks.

Im desparate for my counselling to start, I dont have anyone to talk to still, not really, and I need that one person who will listen to my thoughts and feelings and try help me make some sense of them.

Look after yourself and dont give yourself a hard time x

[anastasia74]

Chimchar I lost my dad just over 2 weeks ago. Had his funeral last tues. think I'm just a few days behind you, if I remember right.

I was the same yesterday. Went to my mums and kept expecting him to walk in and say 'where you been' like he always did. I went to his grave to look at flowers - I did'nt cry - I feel its all too much for by brain to accept. My big strong dad is under there- don't be stupid - that can't be true.

It still hurts physically - his absence, feel I want to talk to him about whats happened. I keep busy like people advise going to pictures, shopping, tidying then it suddenly hits me and I feel devastated all over again - the reality of it all. Nothing will ever be the same again.

I'm due to go back to work next monday. I want to but feel that the very act of going back doesnt feel right, as if I'm acting 'normal' going to work like nothing has happened - still can't sleep very good and am still exhausted by it all - keep thinking about things that happened in hospital etc. Its like I'm trying to rationalise all the time.

Its such a turmoil is'nt it.

[chimchar]

hey 2shoes... don't apologise...not butting in at all.

sorry to hear you're feeling it too...i know what you mean about missing things...

i keep thinking about my mum and the practical things..we're going to a wedding next week..she would have been shopping with me for our outfits etc, she would have treated me to something, and she always buys my kids clothes when she's out bargain hunting....

[sigh]

there is no cure though is there?
x

[2shoes]

sorry to butt in..
I have had one of those days, I just can't stop thinking about my dad, and missing him, I think it is cos we are going on holiday next week, and there has been no letter(with a chaque in it, bless him) and no phone call demanding all the details of where we will be. It is going to be so odd getting there and not ringing him

[chimchar]

missing my mum so much today.....finding life very hard at the mo.

[chimchar]

hugs to you everymum...((()))

even just two weeks on, i am going through the day...i'm still very numb tbh, but i am managing, and as long as i don't think about it, the physical pain of my grief has eased at the moment.

i've just started a thread here... not sure if its anyone elses "thing" or not...i'd be really interested to hear your thoughts or experiences.

x

[FlorenceandtheWashingMachine]

Oh, I am so sorry for everyone. I am trying to focus on the very many happy memories I have of my mum. The only bad ones I have are of her actual death which haunt me.

SalVolatile, that must be so incredibly tough for you. The thing that upsets me most is the fact that my little one (4) is the only grandchild who perhaps won't rememember gran as the vital, fun woman she was.

By the way, for anyone who would like to talk to someone face to face or on the 'phone, my FIL is a counsellor with Cruse who give fantastic, free support:

Cruse link

[everymum]

Thank you so much for starting this thread chimchar.
I lost my beloved mum 6 days ago and I don't even know what I am doing or how I feel. It is such a shock.
Like so many of you have said, my mum was my best friend. When I was pregnant she picked me up every day from work and I know no one will ever take care of me like that again. I am also so desperately sad for dd that she won't have her as a grandma, or even remember her (she is 10 months).
Not enough concentration to read all your posts properly today but I will come back when I feel more noormal (10 years time...?!). I think it would be very helpful to talk to others going through this.

[chimchar]

red..so sorry about your mum...it sounds awful. i think that anger takes over from any happy memories and eats away at you...did the driver get caught?

so sorry to everyone on this thread who has lost a parent...i guess we can all understand some of what eachother are going through...

you're all right...it is the little things that i'm missing already...the kids school reports, my ds had a trail for a football team, and got the letter to say he'd got in just after my mum died...she would have been so proud...and it bothers me that she didn't know...

my ds is having an operation today...its a minor thing on the grand scale of things, but its under general anaesthetic and i'm so nervous that something will happen to him.., because whilst i KNOW that he'll be ok, i can't help feeling that in the nightmare of my mum dying, things like this happen to OTHER people.....not me! [naive and stupid emotiocon]

one day at a time though eh? x

[Salleroo]

Myredcardigan, you poor thing. I can only imagine the anger you must feel towards the driver. I do console myself with the fact that I got to say goodbye to dad and we had time to prepare in so much as you can.

[myredcardigan]

Yes, I think time would have helped. Obviously in my case the shock is overwhelming.

[myredcardigan]

Thanks. I find it difficult to talk about. I've been on MN for 5yrs yet when it happened I just couldn't cope with the idea of coming on here and talking about it.

I am grieving but I know I need to let go of the anger in order to grieve properly.

[Salleroo]

I'm with Thumbwitch, my dad died almost 3 weeks ago and I had a 5 week old dd at the time and have to just get on with life for her and DD1 20 mths.

I'm not aching with grief. I have a little cry most days when I think I'll never get to see him, talk to him, tell him about a book I've read, ask his advice. But am generally doing really well.

We had 3.5 years to prepare (Cancer) and I got to be with him the last week. On the day he died I told him all the things I'll miss when he is gone and reminised about all the fun times we had. Maybe that makes it easier?

Sitting with him that last day will haunt me. He was unconcious for most of it, broken in the end. He had never once complained in all the time he was sick and only that last week told us he realised that when people were asking How was David? he wondered why. He only just realised that it was him and he was dying.

I suppose on another level, I think if I start crying I'll never stop.

[GIvePeasAChance]

MyRed : not being able to call is so painful

My dad died last Friday, and I just want to call him and tell him all the stupid things that have been going on with the funeral arrangements and the boys. He was the one who 'got' me the most.

[thumbwitch]

oh myred, that's so awful. for you

[myredcardigan]

It's been 2yrs since a drunk driver killed my mum. I'm struggling terribly with accepting it and letting go of my anger.

Everytime the kids do something wonderful I want to call her but she's not there. It's breaking my heart.

[2shoes]

feel for you all
my dear dad died in febuary and it is so hard.