Let down by best friend

[mulranno]

My best friend has just disappeared out of my life since my mother died. I last saw her 4 months ago (first time since the funeral). Then I get a text today...droning on about the tedium of her life and not acknowleging my situation. I have plenty of support from family and friends but I am really disappointed with this situation. Texts are inapproriate...how am I supposed to respond..?...send a text back saying ...thanks for the text by the ay my life is in bits...

I'm sorry for your loss. Not trying to excuse your friend but some people just have no idea what to say or do and avoid saying anything in case they say the wrong thing, or in case talking about it is painful. I have even known people to cross the street to avoid the recently bereaved!

If she is someone you care about, then call her. Tell her how you feel.

People disappoint. That's just how it is - sometimes they don't know what to say and fail to realise that don't have to say anything because what's happened can't in any case be fixed whatever they say! So then they stay away, then they feel they can't go because they've stayed away and then the fact that they've stayed away becomes a bigger barrier than the original one and in the end they are paralysed by inactivity. I actually think your text today from her was an attempt to break her own deadlock so give her a hand and reply saying you are glad to hear from her, you feel very sad and would love to spend time with her just being normal. Then if she replies take it from there, if she doesn't reply than everything I've suggested above doesn't apply and she is in fact not your friend at all. Either way you're better off than you are now.

Message withdrawn

I know exactly how you feel mulranno - I lost my db in November and haven't heard from my bf for 5 months now and prior to that she hadn't been very supportive.

It is very hard as it adds to the loss you are suffering. I understand that people don't know what to say when you are recently bereaved but I would be happy with just an occasional text to ask how I am doing but there has been no contact whatsoever. I don't have the emotional energy to tackle her and I really feel if she can't even be there at a minimal level for me whilst I go through this then what is the point of me trying to resurrect the friendship.

Grief is a terrible thing...I too am exhausted and not sure that I have the energy or perspective to talk it thru with her atm. But I do feel bitter and I dont like feeling like that. Maybe my expectations were wrong in the first place. What on earth would I say..."I had hoped that you would do X,Y,Z...you didnt I feel disappointed"...what do I want an apology? an explanation?...in some ways the first contact in 4 months (ie the text) has caused more problems as I really dont know how to reply...I think texts are so cold, controlled, impersonal

Your expectations weren't wrong - but she can't fix it now and you're absolutely right you don't have the energy to get in to what should have been done. I think if you still want her as a friend you just have to take steps to keep in contact but not in any expectation that she will be the rock you needed. If you confront the issue you may get an apology but what you waon't get is your friend because she will be too ashamed I think to stay in your life. So - you could make a fresh start and hope she won't let you down again?

I know I cant do the confrontation thing it would be humiliating for us all...I dont want to loose her as a friend. I suppose I should just forgive and forget...build a bridge and get over it as the saying goes

Well all I can say is I totally understand and share everyone's experience, unless friends or supposed 'friends' have been through a bereavement themselves they will invariably either f off and leave you to it (to put it bluntly) or make disrespectful unhelpful remarks such as 'I would just forget about it if I were you, don't wallow in it, I would just get on with it'. Very unhelpful.

It has certainly not helped me regain trust in human nature, anyway finally after four years after losing my mum and getting next to no support apart from my ex (oddly enough) I have taken up nichiren buddhism which has given me a sense of community and better acceptance of my lot than before.

HTH, also ring Cruse, daytime hours, they are great, when it all looks bleak and desperate.

As I say HTH

Chattysoul x

At the moment you probably can't forgive or forget but you may be able to do so in the future. You could send a friendly reply but keep her at arms length until you feel differently. This happened with me and a very close friend. I realised that for whatever reason she just wasn't there for me whilst I was at my grief stricken worst. She couldn't handle it at all; I think it raised too many fears for her. I had to think about whether I wanted the friendship to continue and decided that I did. For almost a year I hardly saw her but kept in touch through texts etc. When I felt stronger I found I could enjoy her company without feeling disappointed that she just didn't seem to want to talk about my mum or what had happened. I would say that our friendship is almost back to normal now. It is not wrong to expect a good friend to be there for you and it is disappointing when it doesn't happen.

Agree that Cruse are fantastic.

i had a good friend, or so i thought, who crossed the road to avoid me when my daughter died. in fact we have never spoken since, and its been over 4 years now and i see her regularly at school.
i will never forgive me for ignoring the death of my daughter.
i dont care how awkward it would of been for her, how the bloody hell does she think i felt

I have tried to look at this more objectively....which is hard when you are twisted up in pain. They are wrong for avoiding/ignoring... but I am trying to think that they behave like this not because they are unaffected but because what has happened to you is so traumatic that it terrifies them that it may happen to them. ...they still havent done their duty as a friend but maybe have not done it with malice.

Almost the same thing happened to me as gardeningmum05.

When my DS died I emailed around to let people know and she never replied, deleted me almost immediately from her Facebook friends and stopped sending me any of those funny emails that do the rounds. I had emails from other people I knew less well than her saying a simple "sorry to hear your news" and I have NEVER forgiven her for not contacting me.

I saw her recently in the supermarket (nearly 2 years later) and she smiled awkwardly and blushed but I couldn't bring myself to smile back and turned around and walked away from her.

I just don't think it is good enough to say people don't know what to say.

Try I am sorry.

I don't know what to say but I am thinking of you.

Give a hug.

Send a card.

Anything but nothing.

Hope you are OK mulranno and also best wishes to all the bereaved people here. 'Friends' often turn out to have feet of clay and disappear when they are needed.
they are not bad people just weak and selfish. In fact human. It took me a long while to get over the fact that 'friends' did not support me when my db died suddenly.

when someone close to you dies life changes and we change too, just as we struggle to move along in a life plan that we hadn't signed up for peoples reation to us alters, nothing feels the same anymore, the words in songs take on different meanings, peoples words often become kinda different IYKWIM.
since my husbands death i have found friendships and kindness in unexpected places, sadly some people no longer speak to me and i can understand that in some ways.
i also think just cos someone has died it does't always follow that you will know what to say to someone else about death.
my husband died from cancer and i really struggled to know what to say and how to be when a friend was DX with cancer.
Mulrannoi think you will probably always feel disappointed with your friend, maybe her text was her way of trying to get back in touch with you?a