My good friend died in the night. I want to help however I can. What will her husband want?

[Spidermama]

No-one knows yet why she died. She was so fit and full of life. She had so much to look forward to.

I want to know how someone can just die like that in the night?

She and her husband have three boys aged 10,7 and 4.

She absolutely doted on them. I've posted a card through the door saying call me if you need any help with anything.

Is there anything else I can do. I'm assuming he won't want me calling yet. I knew her far better than I know him.

Gosh Eyepeam it's really tough to keep calling someone even though you get no response. I would wonder whether I was driving him mad by trying all the time when he has someone with him or just wants peace. It's really hard to know how to play it.

hi there ... sorry, I don't mean to say you should ring and ring and ring, several times a week or a day even - what I mean is, don't be disheartened if you call and have to leave a message, several times. IME this was because I was in pieces before the phone rang and couldn't possibly have spoken. but picking up a message and hearing someone say they were thinking about me, and thinking about DH was so comforting.

I don't want to make you feel under pressure to act, but just letting someone know you are thinking of them is fabulous. call again in a week, or two. it's about not letting things drop after a few weeks, but being there for as long as you can be.

Also, I do understand that you're grieving too and you will need your own time out and space to think about your friend and your loss. you also have your own life and dh and dcs who need you, and you need your own normal time when you get on with just being and put grief to one side for a short while. it is very early days for you all yet.

Just trying to give you a perspective from my own experience as someone who lost their partner very young and very suddenly - some of my most amazing support came from people who I had not thought of as very close friends before, or who were more DH's friends. and some of the most hurtful times were when I realised that to other of DH's friends I didn't seem to matter, he had been their friend so I wouldn't be seeing them again. Perhaps they were too scared to come near, or would say they didn't really know me, so no they hadn't got in touch ... but they knew HIM and that's what counted to me.

Losing people who knew your other half takes your beloved even further away from you, makes their life seem even more unreal. Friends sharing memories, usually happy ones, laughter and joy are what helps to keep someone's memory alive, for everyone who knew that person.

I hope this helps a little, please don't feel under pressure, I would only like to help you to help your friend and can simply offer the experience of having been through something very similar.

Thanks EP. This really is very helpful.

oh, spidermama, when you mentioned losing a friend on your measles thread I wondered if it was sarah but didn't like to ask. I wasn't a close friend but ds1 has just left the d school, so I knew her to chat to and it's a close community.
I don't know if you went to the memorial at school, it was completely beautiful. the boys couldn't be in a better place, and A will have so much support there. There's a beautiful mandala in the playground that all the children have painted.
very much love to you.

If you want me to sit with your children, or i can do anything, if you want to go round, I'm really happy to.

Sorry, I know that sounds nuts, you've never even met me. But best wishes.

EyePeam makes a very good point, help came from very unexpected quarters and others who were close to DW almost disappeared, you really can't predict in advance who is going to come through.

Saintmaybe I was at the Mandala so probably met or at least saw you there!!

It's great that A and the boys have the school community.

Thanks for the offer of sitting with the kids. DH is back on Thursday so I may try to visit A in the next few days.

I'm wondering who you are now! Will CAT you. How amazing to 'meet' two of Sarah's friends on Mumsnet. Wouldn't she just LOVE that?

All the best. xx

Spider great that you have found some support.I found the school friends etc v helpful when we suffred something similar in Jan.It has certainly changed a lot of things for us as a family Thinking of you x

Thanks Noddy.

Saintmaybe I can't seem to CAT you for some reason. Never mind. I'm sure we'll meet again, don't know where, don't know when ...

xx

So sorry for your loss, but how wonderful that three of you have found each other on here. Wishing you peace x

Thanks everyone for the support on here. I did ring her dp and it was really hard to do - it's hard not to feel useless and intrusive - but I was glad I did. He is coping I think in the short term by focusing on the boys and the funeral. It's good that he's got so many people around him who care and who knew Sarah.

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your friend - everyone who knew her must be devastated.

I can't offer any more sensible advice other than what has already been posted on here, but I just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you all xxx

Hi, Just to say i have found this thread really helpful so thanks to all the posters. My cousin died on Sunday. She was 39 and healthy and just didn't wake up. She leaves a two year old son. I am 250 miles from them but through this thread have found the courage to write to her husband and offer to contact people about the funeral etc. I was scared to make any contact for fear of upsetting him!, so hearing people talk about what is useful has been really helpful to me. I am crying as i write this. It is so desperately sad....

Concordia I'm so sorry. How awful.

Just go round and give him a hug, sure he needs it. I am sure you'll know what to do once your there.

Not sure you should go round giving out random hugs - that sort of thing can terrify us blokes you know.

But going and visiting and sitting down over a coffee (you may have to make the coffee) would almost certainly be appreciated.