My good friend died in the night. I want to help however I can. What will her husband want?

[Spidermama]

No-one knows yet why she died. She was so fit and full of life. She had so much to look forward to.

I want to know how someone can just die like that in the night?

She and her husband have three boys aged 10,7 and 4.

She absolutely doted on them. I've posted a card through the door saying call me if you need any help with anything.

Is there anything else I can do. I'm assuming he won't want me calling yet. I knew her far better than I know him.

Scotland. She was a family friend, my parents and hers are v close and we spent alot of our childhood together.

I agree the thought of her children being left without a mum is really upsetting.

It is just awful.

My friends post-morteum is today, her parents and DH weren't keen but the hospital were and in the end they thought if it might help someone else then so be it.

To make things more complicated my friends SIL is due to give birth in the next few weeks.

Where are you spidermama?

I'm in Brighton. I can understand their reticence about a post mortem but at the same time won't it torture everyone, the kids included, if they don't know why it happened.

Also the kids will want to know if there's a congenital defect which could be mitigated.

I work as a bereavement counsellor.

IME the help is really needed a couple of months down the line, when all the early help has fizzled out and everyone has got back to their own lives. Bereaved partners can feel really abandoned then. He will be in shock for a little while but deeply in pain for many months. He may not even see a glimmer of relief for another year at least.

Take the long term view and be there when the others disappear. Remember he will still need to talk in months and months time, when everyone else has expected him to move on.

In the meantime, you are grieving too spidermama. Get plenty of physical support - the right food, the right rest and time to cry. Losing a friend is a terrible shock that it's easy to underestimate. Sending a big hug to you .

Thanks for that binder. Really appreciated.

As blinder says it will get a lot worse for your friends family before it gets better. They will be in shock for ages...then they will defrost and feel the pain/anger/desolation...please just b e aware that everyone else "accepts" the situation much sooner than the fsmily...so months snd years down the line even though the look ok on the outside...and are now doing normal stuff..taking kids to school etc..they are preoccupied and in turmoil inside....people are keen for you to move on...it is appreciated to talking about her, to keep asking how things are...do not be scared of tears...you will be appreciated for allowing them to flow.

spidermama - i was in the same situation in october last year - a friend that i'd worked with for 11 years died suddenly in her sleep - her kids were the same age as my oldest 2 (mearly 6 and 4 at the time) and we were forever having mothers meetings on a monday when we both didnt work!

i feel like its the same situation because although i knew her husband and could quite happy chat to him, i was definitely more her friend and it felt like a tricky situation after her death to then be in contact with him so much. we'd never spoken so much before. I was no practical help to him (they lived 40 mins away) but i phoned him regularly and kept talking about her and things we'd done.

Her death remains unexplained but has been recorded as SADS which has left huge implications for her beautiful children and the risk they might have some genetic cardiac abnormality.

My advice to you is to collect all the memories you have of things her dh wont know about and write them down for him and the dc - i've written some really daft stuff down but i hope her dc appreciate it in time to coome. My own mother died when i was 9 and i'd have loved to have something like that about her.

I still have really sad days about my friend but talking to friends helps - we all say the same - how can she be dead? she was so alive? but its getting better with time.

Hope you're doing ok - the funeral will be hard but good in that you can talk about her all day and share all those good memories.

Her dc will be ok - dc are so resilient but take care of her dh - he needs all the support you can give.

Thanks Canella. What great advice. I know the funeral will be tough but in some ways I really just want to be around people who knew her and loved her at the moment. Most of my other friends didn't know her.

I've got on very well with her dh the times I've met him so I think I'll put in the groundwork now to make sure he knows I'm here for him, but take a back seat for a couple of weeks while his family are supporting him.

My friend went round to see them all yesterday and she said the front door was open! Almost as if he's expecting and hoping people will come. I'd love to but am stuck in with kids who all have measles and my dh is away. It's a shame because I really want to go and make contact.

can i just say, do not assume that he will have family around, we didnt have any family around ever so if everyone stepped back to allow for us to have the support of family we really would have struggled.
is there a way you can find out if he has any extended family support?
please do go and vist be prepared to not see him or not stay for long but leave a card or something to let him know you have been.

I have left a card OJ. I'm desperate to get down there and give him a hug. My kids have all had measles and are just getting better and DH is away so I haven't been able to get out.

I know he has family with him, but he could probably do with friend who knew her well. I'll get down there tomorrow.

do give him a phone, SM - the card is good but a friendly voice will help a lot too. And it's ok if he (or you) gets upset on the phone - it's good for him (and you) to let the feelings express themselves.

See if you can get his email address too - perhaps someone in his family has already taken on this role but if not, you coudl offer - sometimes it is nice to have a person who manages all the communications with others for you. When a friend of mine was very sick with chemo, she couldn't keep up with her correspondence as she wasn't strong enough, so another friend did it for her, giving updates at the same time.

Hope your DC are all bouncing back well now and free of contagion

so sad for you sm

also a good friend of mine died suddenley in 2007 she lived nxt door she was only 35 i knew her for 20+ its just very

Spidermama - so sorry for your loss and for your friend's dh, children and family.

This is quite a good book - If There's Anything I Can Do by Caroline Doughty in terms of practical advice for things that you could do to help, or which other people could do. In particular the putting up of a list somewhere prominent that says "If you would like to help, please choose a task and put your name next to it" - could be school run, washing, cooking, mowing the lawn, putting out the rubbish or taking recycling to the tip etc. I'd recommend you buy as many copies as you can afford and hand them out to people, or at least get one for yourself and one for the husband to have in his house for people to look at or refer to.

On the cooking front - if there's anything people can do a couple of months down the line, IME, that's when it's really appreciated. When I was widowed I was inundated with lasagne for about 3 weeks but then spent the next 6 months staring aimlessly at the cooker wondering how it worked before resorting to eating something cold straight from the fridge standing up, usually the same thing every day as I would wander round the supermarket unable to focus on making a decision on what to put in the basket.

A home cooked meal made by someone else is an absolute godsend.

When a family friend was diagnosed with cancer I made a "Wishing you Well" scrapbook which was sent around to friends so they could write comments etc.

SO, perhaps something like this, but one for each of the children with a memory of their mum, and perhaps a memory of your friend with that child.

So sad

Ilovesprouts I'm really sorry to hear about your friend and neighbour. How are you feeling now about her? How are her family coping?

Thanks Eyepam. I'll have a look at the book. It's very good advice about being around with meals but later. He does seem to have a few cooks at the moment!

I went to see the family today. Another friend was there cooking a fantastic meal.

Two of the boys seemed in really good spirits (for the two hours I was there) but another has just shut himself in his room.

Her DH was very welcoming and warm and open. I don't reckon he has done much sleeping.

The four year old seemed completely oblivious.

Now the DH is wondering whether or not the kids should go and see their mum before the funeral. He says she looks pretty bad. My instinct would be to let them see her. When I saw my grandmother I felt a rush of sorrow but then relief because she really wasn't 'there' anymore and I understood that suddenly. It's different for anyone I guess.

Purpleduck that's a really good idea about the scrapbook. What a lovely thing to do for the family.

Sorry to hear this sad news.

When my grandmother died some of the younger great grandkids went to see her lying in state and some did not. I think that those who saw her ultimately accepted it better and sooner.

They were all encouraged to draw a picture or write a letter to post into the coffin, which I think helped.

Thanks toffee. Of all the people I've known who've seen their loved ones dead, I've only ever heard that it's a positive experience in the long run.

I think I might do a thread devoted to this subject so I can pass on the comments.

spidermama, so sorry to hear this. There is some really good advice here but one thing I would add is that support is really, really valued in the mid-term future as well as the short term. At the moment, everyone is pulling together and its an intense experience where everyone puts their own lives on hold to help. It can be a very different experience 3 months down the track.

My best friend's DH died 18 months ago and she still really needs her friends around her both practically and emotionally.

The book someone linked to is excellent.

So sorry once again for your loss.

sorry, just noticed I repeated what eyepeam said

Sorry to hear such sad news.

WRT to viewing the body, I can only state my mum's experience. Her father died when she was 9 years old and was taken to see him. He died of a brain haemorrage, so didn't look bad, but she has regretted seeing him like that all her life.

She says that if she tries to remember her dad, then that is the only picture that comes to mind. She wishes that it wasn't when he was dead. She would much rather have been left with a memory of a living daddy.

However, that is just her opinion. But she has forbidden me to view her body once she has died. She doesn't want that to be the last way I see her.

spider, so sorry for your loss and for your friend's family. My mum died of a brain haemorrhage when I was 5 (a few weeks before my birthday) and my brother was 7. Dad says that one of the things that really helped was schoolfriends of ours kept asking us round for tea/playing in their garden as usual, even though it was my mum who knew pretty much every one of the other mums. They made sure life went on as normally as possible for me and bro so dad could have a bit of space to try and deal with what was going on once the initial shock had worn away. And people kept on offering to look after us after school for the first 6 months or so until he could get a childminder sorted - it wasn't just a short term thing.

sm im ok bit i miss her so much think her heart was enlarged /liver problems when she died i only spoke to her two days before she looked yellow but keept saying she had yuppie flu ,whats gets me so sad her mum phoned the ambulance but they would not come as they thought she was drunk etc and when they did come she had died befor she got to the bottom of the steps so her mum said but they put her on life support but nothing could be done for her , she did have a problem with drugs etc and was on methodone but shed been clean for 12 months she also lost a baby 11 years ago was still born (dont think she got over it )her mums still not over it she has got 5 sons and only 1 comes to see her i alwasys go round to se her mum and we always talk about her and the silly stuff she did i miss her tons rip sue xx

Spidermama,

I've popped back on because I wanted to make sure you have heard of Winstons Wish which is a child bereavement charity.

Their section on whether or not to see the body is here:
www.winstonswish.org.uk/page.asp?section=00010001000200110004

what a great and supportive thread

i am sorry to hear about your friend spider
don't wear yourself out - i know you will want to help but you've had a tough time lately