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Original poster

My good friend died in the night. I want to help however I can. What will her husband want?

118 replies

Spidermama · 03/06/2009 20:24

No-one knows yet why she died. She was so fit and full of life. She had so much to look forward to.

I want to know how someone can just die like that in the night?

She and her husband have three boys aged 10,7 and 4.

She absolutely doted on them. I've posted a card through the door saying call me if you need any help with anything.

Is there anything else I can do. I'm assuming he won't want me calling yet. I knew her far better than I know him.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 07/06/2009 20:15

dreadful.how sad.acknowledge their loss

be available
practical stuff eg school run
shopping,food preparation.freeze stuff
offer if he wants help telling people
laundry,domestic chores
be consistently available not just short term
act as a buffer against the well meaning but irritating types who descend
offer take children out (if they can face it)

scottishmummy · 07/06/2009 20:17

also meant to say you are a thoughtful friend to think of them at such a rotten time

Original poster
Spidermama · 07/06/2009 20:38

Thanks.

Great link toffee. I'll draw his attention to that.

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 07/06/2009 23:56

I have always found seeing my deceased relatives helpful, but then the first time I did it I was 17 - it is easy then to see that all you are looking at is a clay husk of the person, not the person themselves, and to realise that the person you knew and loved has left that body.

I'm not sure that small children could make that connection - I think the best thing would be for the father to ask the children themselves what they want to do and then let them do what they wish - because if he doesn't, they might resent it. If they have no preference either way then my feeling would be for them not to go, but in the end he has to do what he feels is right for his family.

DadInsteadofMum · 08/06/2009 09:49

Eyepeam - lol at 3 weeks of non-stop lasagne deliveries that is so familiar, in fact clearing oout freezer the other day discovered yet another one, it has to be a year old () and I have no idea who to return the dish to ( ).

piscesmoon · 08/06/2009 09:59

I would say the same as others-don't wait to be called, it is too much effort for him to make-call round and be ready to talk and do practical tasks. Carry on next week, next month and next year -that is when he will need help-he will be in total shock at the moment.

EyePeam · 08/06/2009 18:00

hey DadInsteadofMum, like the idea of still finding lasagne lurking in your freezer!

I do love lasagne and I was so grateful but it made me laugh, even at the time, that everyone's instant thought was "she needs to eat, I'd better make a mahoosive lasagne that would serve 10 hungry for her."

I even had to quickly hide one outside the back door when someone came to the front door bearing another gigantic dishful and I knew they'd be really crestfallen if they saw the current batch of lasagne sitting on the table!

Spidermama any feedback yet on likely cause of death? All I got for DH was SADS, which can be quite frustrating and inconclusive in itself. My thoughts are still with you.

MummyDoIt · 08/06/2009 18:10

So sorry for your loss, Spider.

All I can do is echo what the other bereaved parents on here have said. Yes, be around now but please, please, please, be there for him in a few months time. Once you get past the first few months, everyone assumes you're fine and the calls and visits drop off. For me, the grief only really started to hit home after a few months and, to be honest, I feel a hell of a lot worse after nine months than I did after nine days.

The piece that OJ posted was of huge help to me and my mother (widowed a few months before I was). I hope you find it as useful.

Share your memories and tell your friend how much you miss his wife. It comforts me to know others are grieving for my DH.

One of my friends bought a lovely book for my DSs called 'Now and Forever' which is good for helping young children understand death. It's become a firm favourite. Although I find it difficult to read sometimes, it often prompts the boys to talk about their feelings and how they miss Daddy so I think something like that is incredibly useful.

Original poster
Spidermama · 08/06/2009 22:02

Thanks for the book idea Mummydoit. What do you think of Micheal Rosen's Book of Sad? Sorry to hear you feel so much worse nine months down the line.

Eyepeam nothing conclusive on cause of death yet. SADS was mentioned by a friend at today's memorial service at the school but it's guesswork. I know that they are testing various bits of her to see what they can find. I find that pretty distressing in itself not least because it may mean that she's in no state to be viewed by her boys even if they wanted to.

My dh dug out a poem (he loves poetry) which helped describe his feelings about our lost friend, but upset himself so much reading it that he was unable to talk for three hours!

The little school where her boys go had a memorial today and I found it very comforting a) to be among people who knew her, loved her and wanted to talk about her and b) to dedicate some time to focussing on her.

I'm thinking about her almost all of the time. God only knows what it's like for her DH.

OP posts:
barbarapym · 08/06/2009 22:15

Spidermama. I think we might have the same friend, if it happened on the night of June 2? This is a really helpful thread. I have been finding it so shocking and difficult to deal with, and not knowing what would be best to help. Sorry if it's not. Be good to contact you but not sure how on here?

barbarapym · 08/06/2009 22:18

Just looked back at the thread and it definitely is the same person. I was at university with her. I sent a card today but like you I knew her much better than him.

GColdtimer · 08/06/2009 22:35

Sorry for thread hijack. Barbara, sorry to hear she was your friend too. It is so shocking when something like this happens. It won't sink in for a long time yet

barbarapym · 08/06/2009 22:40

Yes, I'm still in a state of shock and disbelief. And it's so hard to know what to do or what would be welcome. We are in London so can't pop round casually or offer help with the boys. I was holding back on ringing her dp as I thought it might be intrusive, but this thread has made me realise it would be the right thing to do.

Original poster
Spidermama · 08/06/2009 23:03

Hi Barbarapym. Isn't it just awful? I can;t stop thinking about her. Are you in Brighton?

OP posts:
barbarapym · 08/06/2009 23:11

No, I wish I was. Feel a bit helpless and useless at a distance. We're in Richmond. I had to ring some of her other friends from university last week and let them know. We're all so stunned and devastated. Just can't stop thinking about the boys. It's good that you've been to see them - from what you've said it sounds as though they've got plenty of company at the moment?

Original poster
Spidermama · 08/06/2009 23:11

Sorry Barbara you already said you're in London.
I live just up the road from the family so if you did want to stop by, but also needed a nearby place to get to afterwards for a cuppa and a sit down, you're very welcome. Any friend of Sarahs ...

OP posts:
Original poster
Spidermama · 08/06/2009 23:14

There are a few people. Friends and family. It's all a bit day to day at the moment because there can be no funeral until all the tests are done. Everyone's in limbo.

Two of the boys seem to be coping quite well but the oldest has been very hard hit.

She was doing some really fantastic things you know. I don't know when you last saw her but I would be happy to fill you in on the extraordinary efforts she was making to get back into work. She was so full of it. It was going really well.

I'm deeply saddened by this because it's cruel, and yet cheered that she was achieving and she knew it.

OP posts:
LolaTheShowgirl · 08/06/2009 23:25

So sorry for your tragic loss. My thoughts are with you

When my best friend died unexpectedly 2 years ago, her family found things like cooked meals being taken over for them and offers to do the shopping and running basic errands etc very helpful because the grief was so present in their lives, they couldn't muster any energy to do these things.

barbarapym · 08/06/2009 23:30

Thanks - that's a really nice offer and I might well take you up on it. I'm going to ring A tomorrow and see if I can go down to see them - maybe on Friday, childcare dependent.

I hadn't seen her since last year but we were in touch on email. I knew a bit about what she was up to because my dh was involved in sponsoring one of the gardens at Chelsea and she was up there as well doing a bit of PR. She sounded so full of life and up for it all after ten years at home - well - you know Sarah. Always so positive and never saw a reason why she shouldn't just give it a go.

Original poster
Spidermama · 08/06/2009 23:33

Yes that's Sarah alright!

Well I will CAT you, or CAM you or whatever it's called these days so you will have my contact details. It was really good today to be amongst Sarah's friends. Everyone's pulling together and supporting one another.

All the best. x

OP posts:
shabster · 08/06/2009 23:34

IMO they will need practical help - washing, ironing, cooking, shopping etc etc AND a shoulder to cry on and someone to listen to them tell there story over and over again.

Also - they will need friends in a couple of weeks, months, years. After the funeral most people get on with their lives and the World keeps turning - I think thats when it hits you the hardest.

All the family will just need a consistant friend. So very sorry for the loss of your friend xxx

Original poster
Spidermama · 08/06/2009 23:35

OH MN says you don't accept messages so you can message me if you like.

OP posts:
barbarapym · 08/06/2009 23:43

Sorry, I didn't even know I wasn't set to accept messages! I have changed that and will try to CAT you anyway. Thanks again.

EyePeam · 09/06/2009 20:27

Hello again, to both Spidermama and barbarpym. So sad to hear of all that your friend was doing, she sounds wonderful.

Spidermama - I would have thought that if it's over a week since she died and a full post mortem is underway that her children would be strongly advised not to see her body now. These things stay with you for such a long time and although there may be a lasting regret of not seeing her, if her body is not in a good way then imho that would be far worse. They would do so much better to remember her as they wish - whether it was doing something fun or something normal, to perhaps pick out some very specific memories and really focus on how their mum looked and sounded, perhaps get an item of her clothing from that memory and keep a hold of that.

I still have terrible flashbacks to when my husband died, and while it wasn't a case of him looking bad, the impact of all that happened has been incredibly hard to work through, left me with very visceral and searing memories. I can't help but think that the dcs would be left with a very strong visual imprint and that is not the best way to remember their lovely mum .

barbarapym hope you got through to your friend's husband. You may find that the phone goes unanswered - do leave messages and do call back and keep leaving messages even if you don't get a response. Sometimes speaking is just impossible, you long for people to ring and the phone goes and you can't muster the energy to pick the thing up and talk. And I know that lots of people gave up on me because I never answered my phone. It's taken 2 years for me to willingly answer the phone when it rings in the evenings....

RnB · 09/06/2009 20:36

So sorry Spidermama what a terrible shock...