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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

for those who have lost their mother -- how has it impacted your feelings for MIL

61 replies

mulranno · 27/05/2009 18:50

my MIL is a drunken fuck wit...when my gorgeous healthy kind 63 yr old mother died rapidly from ovarian cancer -- I just looked at my mil and thought do i now have to spend every future painful christmas hosting you?

OP posts:

tots2ten · 27/05/2009 18:56

my mum (who was 56) died recently of lung cancer, but my feelings for my mil havent changed. I wouldnt trust her to look after my dc's like i trusted my mum.

But having said that at the moment she is unwell, and i will run her to and from doctors appointments. I also did the same with my fil when he had a heart attack.

Original poster

mulranno · 27/05/2009 19:10

I think what has happened to me is I feel cheated that the nasty alcho is still here and my lovely mum is gone. I have a hands off/distant relationship with my difficult mil...maybe grief just throws existing feelings into sharper focus. 2 of my sisters have felt let down by their mil also

OP posts:

tots2ten · 27/05/2009 20:05

Its hard, but as bad as my mil is, she is my dh's mother. have you seen a councillor? i am waiting to see one at the moment. My sister feels very let down by her mil, this hasnt changed since our mum died.

I feel very cheated, my mum was 56 i am only 28. why should it have been my mum, when there are so many horrible, nasty people around.

My mil isn't too bad (we have had some bad rows in the past) she doesnt bother to ring her, never remembers any of our birthdays.

Hassled · 27/05/2009 20:13

It's a bit different for me - my Mum died at 45 (I was 16). I'm on my second MIL now (2nd marriage) - both are lovely, kind women who I think have wanted to take on more of a maternal role with me but have been wary of making any assumptions. I don't resent them being alive and well when my mother isn't, but then they're nice people.

I do understand that feeling of being cheated, though - the "why do the good die young?" thing. I still have the odd moment like that but it does ease with time. I can't recommend bereavement counselling enough - really worth thinking about.

tigana · 27/05/2009 20:18

My mum died aged 50, when I was 19 (31 now).
It made no difference to my relationship with MIL (she was 'just' my boyfriends mum when my mum died) then or now.
MIL has her moments but isn't a 'bad person'.

I still have issues over my mum's death but no reflection onto MIL.

Agree some counseling might be helpful.

cat64 · 27/05/2009 20:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

mulranno · 27/05/2009 20:39

Yes it is all very recent... was also very traumatic and brutal. aware that i am bitter/angry etc

OP posts:

Cosmosis · 28/05/2009 15:56

So sorry for your loss mulranno.

I get on fabulously with my MIL, but it is definitely bitter-sweet for me (my mum died when I was a young child).

geekgirl · 28/05/2009 16:10

mulranno I am very sorry to hear baout your poor mum - I also lost my mum to OC As with your mum it was a horrendous thing to go through for all us.
My mum hd never been ill before, had looked after herself and was only 58 - so f*cking unfair.
She was a doting grandmother whereas my PILs are the sort of grandparents that seem to become quite typical - permanently on holiday and no interest in the grandchildren. They've said outright that they don't want to have a close relationship with them . I do feel sad & bitter about it, but I suppose I felt bitter about it before my mum was even ill. What is harder in my case is that my dad has turned into the drunken fuckwit of the family as a result of losing my mum, and that is a far greater source of anger for me...
I think you're absolutely allowed to feel the way you do. I know that dh feels very angry with his parents, and has even said that one of his parents should have died instead of my mum....

fircone · 28/05/2009 16:13

When my mum died, I suppose I vaguely wondered if mil would step up a notch. Yeah, right. She's still only interested in herself and often makes snide comments about my parents, even though they are no threat at all, both being dead.

Like OP, I know that if my parents were around they would be so much more interested in the dcs than pil. I honestly don't think that mil would recognise dd in a line-up.

It doesn't seem fair that some people plough on to a great age whilst other nicer ones are struck down. I was sickened when mil was mentioning a recently-departed friend, and then she and fil chanted "We're here, they're not!" and chinked glasses. They thought this ritual highly amusing. I didn't.

CaptainUnderpants · 28/05/2009 16:18

My Mum died 2 years ago , I have a relatievly good relationship with my Mil but it is purely MIL / DIL.

No one can replace the relationship you have with your own mother and when I see my SILs with their mother I certainly know that I could never be part of that relationship FYKWIM.

One thing i have put my foot down over the last two years is that I refuse to buy a Mothers Day card for my MIL . that is down to my DH , I hate looking at the cards and Mil no matter how good she is , is not my mother . Before my Mum died I would buy both lots of cards , strange how a little thing like cards for mothers day makes you feel.

abraid · 28/05/2009 16:19

It doesn't seem fair, does it?

geekgirl · 28/05/2009 16:23

urgh yes, mother's day. I just want to spend the run-up to it under the duvet or on a desert island. I am not surprised you don't want to have to go through cards!!!!!

fircone · 28/05/2009 16:24

Agree with CaptainUnderpants re cards. I used to get v upset looking at the Father's Day cards in particular. My dad was a wonderful person; fil is crap. I told dh I'd never buy a card for his father, and then when my mother died, there was no question I'd put my hand on a mother's day card. Dh now has the hard time trying to select a card which has the coldest greeting possible. "Thank you, Mum" would be a completely ironic message where she is concerned.

MummyDragon · 28/05/2009 16:45

mulranno so sorry for your loss. Have you contacted Cruse? www.cruse.org.uk - they are very helpful. It may be too soon for you, but your feelings are definitely very normal and it's just so sad that you have to go through this.

totalmisfit · 28/05/2009 16:52

so sorry for everyone on this thread who has lost one or both parents. i can't imagine how hard it is, esp if your ils aren't particularly nice.

this has made me think about how awful it would be if one or both of my parents went before my PILs. I think i'd feel a huge sense of injustice as mil is spiteful in the extreme and fil is very, very frosty, whereas my parents couldn't be more loving towards myself, dh and especially dd and are very excited about dc2's future arrival at the beginning of next year. Its awful of me, but i do secretly hope the inlaws go first, for many reasons. I know i dont' really have much right to be on this thread but i just wanted you to know i empathise and feel for what you're going through, even if i haven't been through it personally.

Original poster

mulranno · 28/05/2009 18:22

Thanks for sharing..i think 2 things happen...one they dont step up to comfort/support...but why would they change? also any existing negatives feelings are intensified. My sister asked her MIL to babysit her daughter (only grandchild) on wednesday afternoons when my mum was in hospital so that she could be with my mum...MIL said she could not make thisw commitment...my mum died 2 weeks later...my sister finds it really difficult to cooperate now when the MIL wants to come and visit the grand daughter

OP posts:

Tocca · 28/05/2009 18:26

oh, I know, I think the anger is part of the grief. For a while everything made me furious. My mil for being alive, stroppy 23 yo types openly rolling eyes at their mum made me livid. It's just so raw and hideously unfair

LilRedWG · 28/05/2009 18:32

MIL stepped up brilliantly to help DH and I in the weeks surrounding my parents' deaths a few months ago, but even so I do feel some resentment that they are still around and my Mum and Dad aren't.

I honestly think it is totally natural and DH is fully aware of how I feel and that I find it difficult being around his complete family.

If I had a poor relationship with my ILs I dread to think how bitter I would become.

nevergonnapost · 28/05/2009 18:38

my mum died 17 years ago aged 67 of a heart attack i still miss her terribly and my dad who died of cancer 4 years later ...my mil also died of cancer as did my fil when mil died i was sad for her as she had a terrible time but to be honest i rarely think of her or fil my broher died 3 years ago of cancer cant believe ill never see him again

FabulousBakerGirl · 28/05/2009 18:40

Has no bearing. Real mother = crap. MIL = can't be what I need, not her fault though.

cat64 · 28/05/2009 21:20

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LilRedWG · 28/05/2009 21:24

I'm the same with Mothers Day cards too.

MummyDragon · 29/05/2009 18:24

Yep, me too with Mothers Day AND Fathers Day cards ... I just can't buy them for the ILs since my parents died. OP, just want to reiterate that it is totally normal to feel the way you do. Hopefully you've had a better day today ..? x

liahgen · 29/05/2009 18:29

I lost my mum at 11yrs old, she was just 40.

The day i married Dh she said, "you'll have to call me mum now", I didn't, and never have. I wouldn't know how, I don't even remember calling my own mother mum.

It has left its mark on me, in that, I have no idea how to deal with a mother/in law. I know I'm impatient with her, (not to her face) and she irritates the life out of me cos she doesn't behave like I imagine a mother/nan should. Maybe I should just stop imaging what my mum would be like and try and accept her for who she is. She's a nice enough person, and to be honest, I'm not really sure my mum was ever mother of the year either.

Hey ho, we'll never know will we.

Sorry to all those who no longer have their mums here with them too.

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