for those who have lost their mother -- how has it impacted your feelings for MIL

[mulranno]

my MIL is a drunken fuck wit...when my gorgeous healthy kind 63 yr old mother died rapidly from ovarian cancer -- I just looked at my mil and thought do i now have to spend every future painful christmas hosting you?

I lost my wonderful mother 5 days ago and am still trying to come to terms with it. Lost my dad 4 1/2 years ago and it is very hard dealing with the realisation that I am an orphan.
what makes it hardest for me is that I am 3,000 miles from home, had not seen mum since the end of December when I had to fly back to the Middle East where I am currently living as I was heavily pregnant. My gorgeous son was born in February and my mum was so excited about seeing him. DH and I were due to fly back to the UK in less than 2 weeks and we were arguing about which mother we would go and see first. I eventually won but makes no difference now. When we get back, I will be finalising the arrangments for my mothers funeral. My DH wants to take DS and our older DD up to see his mum but I said yesterday I don't think I can go. I feel so very jealous although of course I can't tell him that as it will sound childish. I resent the fact that he still has his mum and dad, particularly as when we told them I was pregnant last year they had just simply said 'what do you want to do that for'. My mum was over the moon and couldn't wait to meet her grandson. I am gutted that I didn't go back sooner so she could have met him and am dreading seeing the MIL as I can't help but feel so jealous and resentful and that makes me feel such a bad person. Bugger, have started crying again which I said I wouldn't do

Oh Mumoverseas so for you? It's very early days for you, and noone will think anything of you if you can't face seeing mil at the moment i'm sure.

What a horrible time for you. Nothing very productive to say I'm afraid but just that you're not alone, come talk to us as much as you like.

mumoverseas...I am so very sorry for your loss. this is a mad, sad and difficult time for you...just take it easy...i think it is perfectly acceptable to want to avoid seeing people...esp MIL...I havent been to see mine since my mum died 7 months ago...she has been here and dh takes children over to her and they go out etc...

Thinking of you... you have a lot ahead of you. Talk to whoever will listen and come and scream on here if you need to.

Hi, my mum died when she was 49 of breast cancer (I was 27). My MIL is a lovely lady, but she's not my mum. I sometimes feel guilty that I feel irrationally annoyed at her for not being my mum. It's all so complicated isn't it?

I had my second child three months ago and MIL is fantastic with both my little ones, but sometimes I just feel so frustrated that I'll never see what my own mum would have been like with them.

I don't know how to say it, but I kind of want to hug all of you who have lost your mums too. x

oh mumoverseas - so sorry for everything you are going through, it must be so painful x

I don't think my mother's early death has had any impact on my relationship with my MIL. I'm happy to buy MDcards & she's a great grandparent. Am very for those who have recently gone through this loss and wish you peace.

I know exactly how you feel. My mum died very suddenly of mouth cancer(3 yrs ago) 10 days before my DD was born , she was 58 and I was 30. She was a very happy person unlike my MIL who just loves moaning and to be fair has had various illnesses so it just seemed so unfair. I totally resented her and to a certain extent still do. I have never let her look after my DD and probably never will it was supposed to be my mum looking after her! I really don't have any relationship with her now it just does not seem right. We have to go and spend Christmas with her this year and i can't think of anything worse. I would have been fine with this before my mum died but no not now. Time has been a great healer when it comes to my mum not being around but I think I will always feel like this about my MIL.

mumoverseas - am so very very sorry for your loss. Do what you need to do; if that means avoiding people, do it. Being a grown-up orphan sucks, but you will find your way through this and your husband will support you, I'm sure. You're not being childish. Hugs.

just packing to go back to the UK in 2 days to finalise arrangments for mum's funeral.
I've told DH I can't cope with seeing his mum (and dad) next week but he can take DD and our baby boy up to see them. I just don't want to be there the first time his mum cuddles my baby as I know I will be thinking it should be my mum cuddling him. Luckily, DH has now understood how I feel. I have said I will take the kids up later in the summer when he is back working abroad and I'm in the UK but I just can't face it yet. Part of the problem is that I always resented his mum a bit as she refused to come to our wedding as it was too far (even though we'd arranged for DH's brother to take her and it was only about 2 hours away). My wonderful mum had only come out of hospital the day before and managed to travel 1 hour by taxi. oh well, must try and put that behind me and make sure my beautiful kids make the most of the only grandparents they have left

thanks for all your kind comments ladies, it really helps. Feel very lonely at the moment and keep wanting to pick up the phone and phone my mum. How stupid is that!

Hello Mumoverseas...thinking of you. Be prepared for a tough time ahead. Travelling and making arrangements in another country adds another layer of emotion. You will see everyone all at once...which may be over whelming ...if you were here you might have seen people in dribs and drabs over a week or so - so would not be so intense. Coming home might well make it feel more real.....for me the hard part was leaving again...getting on a plane an leaving your mother buried in another country I found very hard... Wishing you strenght to get through these tought days...dont under estimate how emotional and exhausted you will be ..Take Care...M

Hello Mumoverseas...thinking of you. Be prepared for a tough time ahead. Travelling and making arrangements in another country adds another layer of emotion. You will see everyone all at once...which may be over whelming ...if you were here you might have seen people in dribs and drabs over a week or so - so would not be so intense. Coming home might well make it feel more real.....making arrangments from afar is one thing...seeing the coffin, flowers, order of service is surreal. For me the hard part was leaving again...getting on a plane an leaving your mother buried in another country I found very hard... Wishing you strenght to get through these tough days...dont under estimate how emotional and exhausted you will be ..Take Care...M

Thinking of you mumoverseas. Take each minute as it comes and be kind to yourself.

thank you so much for your kind comments ladies. I think I've made a difficult decision today. When I was originally asked last week if I wanted to see mum, my first thought was no way, I wanted to remember her how she was. However, over the weekend I started thinking that maybe I NEEDED to see her if that makes sense? A type of closure. I've changed my mind 100 times over the last few days but think I do want and need to see her. I spoke to the FD today and they checked and said she looked 'fine' so hopefully all will be ok. Was aiming to drive down to mum's on Friday anyway to pick up some nice clothes for her to wear and will then go to FD's and see how I feel I guess.
Mulranno, I know it will be hard leaving again but in a way I'm lucky as I'm in the UK until mid September and had already planned on going to mum and dad's grave a few times and will be there for their wedding anniversary which is important.
Am currently throwing myself into fundraising for their favourite charity, GOSH and my son who is 16 next month has signed up for a parachute jump for GOSH. Think I need to keep busy

Mumoverseas. Don't see your mum. Pick out her clothes but don't see her. She has now gone and won't look like herself and you need to remember her as she was - alive, laughing and active. It won't close anything. I saw dad a few hours before he died (8 years ago) and I still cry about it. It just wasn't the funny, active, strong, alive (sounds a bit dumb but he was interested in everything and loved learning) man I remembered.

My sister and brother went to see mum in the funeral parlour. She had been poorly TBH and on the way out my sister said to my brother 'oh she looked terrible, didn't she?'. Ditzo at funeral parlour piped up 'well, she IS dead, isn't she?'.

You will probably feel a bit in limbo until after the funeral. Have you siblings to help with the estate? That will be the next job to get on with and you need to steel yourself to get on with that.

Things will get better - you will feel less and less pain. You will have your bad days but you will also have your good days. Let people help you. Talk to them about how you feel.

Keep nicknacks and photos to pass onto the children and talk about your mum to them every day so that they remember her and get to know what she was like. I have found that important with DS.

Keep strong

WRT seeing your Mum - do what you feel is right.

Against lots of advice from DH, Dsis, BF I went to see my Dad and was so pleased I had. He looked so handsome in his suit and I stroked his hair (I had been warned that it can be a bit shocking for you if you touch their icy skin). I spent a couple of minutes with him and felt comforted and at peace.

When Mum died a couple of weeks later I felt as though I should see her as I had been to see Dad, but in my heart of hearts I did not want to for some reason. I went because I felt I should and it was one of the worst decisions of my life. My FIL told me not to go vecause of a misplaced sense of guilt, but I did. I practically ran out of the room and totally broke down. It wasn't my Mum in there I so wish I hadn't been to see her, but know that I would have felt guilty if I hadn't as I'd been to see my Dad so recently.

So, what I am saying, is do what you feel is right at that moment and be prepared for all emotions - do not decide beforehand.

With Dad, I thought I'd lose it and didn't - I had a little weep afterwards but was so glad I'd been. With Mum, I expected to feel the same and totally lost the plot. Maybe, it was because they were so close together, I don't know.

Take care. xx

Geogiemum - we had plenty of "gallows-humour" too - I think it's natural.

When we visited the funeral palour the day after Mum's death (who had dealt with my Dad just a couple of weeks before) I casually asked my brothers and sisters if they thought the FD would do a BOGOF offer - they all pissed themselves laughing. We had lots of moments like this - all tasteless and in retrospect,not funny - but at the time bloody hilarious and just what we needed.

LilRedWG, thank you so much for your comments. How terrible for you losing both your mum and dad in such a short period of time, you must be a very strong person
I said to my DH yesterday that I thought our baby son was sent by my mum. He was totally unplanned and a bit of a shock, in fact I had assumed the menopause had started last summer and was shocked to find I was pregnant and was in denial until 20 weeks. My mum had been over the moon and couldn't wait to meet him and I realise now, he has kept me sane the last few weeks and I don't know what I'd have done without him. He is definitely a gift.

Your humorous comment at the FD's reminded me of my dad's funeral. My mum, brothers and I were all standing outside next to the hearse and one of my brothers reached in, knocked really hard on the lid of the coffin and said 'just checking' after the initial shock, we all pissed ourselves laughing. Later at the grave, reading one the cards on some flowers was the message 'now who will make us laugh at family funerals?' and it reminded us that dad was always the joker, even in inappropriate places

I will take your advice, collect my mum's clothes from her house and maybe some other items like her rosary and then go to the FD and see how I feel at the last minute.

Thanks again for all your support,it really does help x

I don't feel at all strong tbh.

I also feel that DD (3) keeps me going. Last week on holiday I was upset and DD gave me a hug. I told her that I was was missing Grandad and she said, "Me here Mummy, and Daddy." That made me blub more and DH start. She was so compassionate and sweet.

So sorry to hear these stories of loss, it is terribly sad .

In response to the OP, my mother died the year before I got married and so I have never known what she might have been like as a Granny. Dh's mother is great, although a very strong personality (as was my mum - we sometimes joke that if she had lived, she and MIL would either have loathed each other or become best friends and formed some kind of unstoppable force of nature ). She has been a brilliant and supportive MIL and adores her gcs and because of my circumstances, I am probably extra grateful to have her - if my mother were alive, I'm sure I would have less of a relationship with MIL. So it's a small silver lining that I am able to call her and enjoy her company and trust her with my kids. If I were in the OP's situation and MIL was bad news, I'm sure I would be phenomenally agry about that - you have my sympathy.

Looks like MIL relationship takes on another dimension in either direction after the loss of your mother. I am lucky my mother loved, cared and enjoyed my children. I am greateful for that. My MIL was not interested before so why have my expectations cahnged...she was never going to rise to it..

Oh marmaduke - I get the shopping thing too. Am quite often a bit weepy in John Lewis as so many mothers shop with daughters there. And if they're in the baby department, I just want to howl.

The dcs have all sorts of nice clothes from JL that I have brough to make myself feel better.

It is a relief that to acknowledge how hard it is to be with your in-laws and family, knowing that those times are over for you. Last Christmas was my first without my parents, who died in May 2007 and June 2008 - I felt so incredibly alone, so can identify with how you all feel. My MIL is very sympaethetic and our relationship has improved - she has mellowed and shown more understanding.

I can only say it has got a little bit easier to be with the other family as the year has gone on. Now I am dealing with the anniversary of my Mum's death and finding it hard.

How did you get on mumoverseas?

This thread has rung a lot of bells with me and I know how most of you feel. Lost my mum whilst at school and MIL (although a good person) will never be the same as my mum. MIL and I have had our arguments and there are def things I won't forgive her for, like trying to persuade DH not to marry me when he told her we were engaged. Because my mum was such a loving hands on person I expected MIL to be kinder to me but she is quite distant, forgets birthdays, goes her own way etc etc and perhaps I should be grateful for that. However she does seem fond of DC and as long as I keep my mouth shut when she is around (not a lot) and remind her about DC birthdays etc then we muddle along reasonably well. Early on I made the stand about not seeing her every Christmas Day and that works for us although obviously we have a 2nd Christmas dinner with her sometime close to the day.

You've just got to find a way of getting on that works for both of you without upsetting DH and DC really - she's their relative after all - not mine.