It's nearly a year since Eris was born....

[feedmenow]

I just wanted to post a message to say a few things and to unburden a few things off my shoulders.

On Sunday nightit will be a year since I last felt my baby girl move inside me. On Monday, it will be a year since I found out she had died. On Wednesday a whole year will have passed since my precious girl was bnrn sleeping.

In that year, I have felt my heart break a million times.

In that year I have also discovered I was pregnant again and gone on to give birth to another little girl, my 3rd daughter, Kyirrie. She spent 3 weeks in hospital and underwent major surgery aged 5 days old for a condition we didn't know she had until she was a few hours old. But thankfully she is now home with us.

However, as Eris's birthday approaches I have become aware that being pregnant so soon after losing Eris put some sort of hold on my grief.

And now I am struggling with so many emotions; normal "life with a newborn" stuff, coping with what we have been through with Kyirrie and the ongoing worry that her condition now brings and the fact that I miss Eris so very, very much. It is so hard to look into the eyes of one gorgeous little girl and wonder what the eyes of her sister would have been like.

I am grateful to everyone on Mumsnet who has thought of me over the year and been around to lend some support and words of strength and I think I am hoping that maybe some of you can help me again.

I have to confess that I would like to curl up under my duvet for the next week or so and just cry and sleep my way through this anniversary, but I have 3 other children and just can't do that.

Oh you poor thing - what a year you have had. You must feel as though life can never be normal again for you. I can't claim to know how you feel but I, and many others on Mumsnet, are thinking of you and sending love to your and all of those you love. xxxxxxxxxxx

SO sorry for your dreadful loss feedmenow.

I hope you will find strength from your lovely children and from others on here who have sadly shared a similar experience. I can imagine that having a new baby has meant you have had to postpone your grieving process.

I have followed your story too and just want to say how sorry I am about the loss of your daughter. This time will be very hard for you and your family I know.

I have a small understanding of the difficulty of grieving for one baby when you are pregnant with another as I sadly lost my son at 20 weeks and then became pregnant with ds a few months later.

On the year anniversary of losing our son we took bubbles up the mountain to send to him, it seemed to help, formally remembering him like that. Family remembered too and sent cards. I don't know if you wish to do something like that, it might not be what you would wish but I thought I would mention it.

Thinking of you.

I'm so sorry. It makes sense that you feel the way you do particularly around the anniversary. It reminds you that it's been a year, but because of a pregnancy, a birth, an operation and everything having a new baby entails, you haven't had a year of grieving. So maybe you are a year on in time, but this isn't mirrored in how you are feeling and how deeply you are grieving.

May I ask if you have anything planned to mark your little girl's birthday?

I'm so glad you posted on a new thread FMN, I've as followed your story and checked the bereavement thread regularly to see if your little kyirrie's birth had been announced. Didn't want to intrude on that thread so just want to say congrats on your little girl and best of luck. You are a very very brave women.

I don't have any experience of what you've been through but I think talk, talk and talk. Try and deal with your emotions as they come up rather than hiding them and coping. Have you seen your Gp to refer to a counsellor?? Do SANDS organise counsellors?

best of luck x

Oh Feedmenow, I wish there was something I could say to make things better but I know there isn't. I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you, only today I was thinking that it must have been Eris's birthday and Remember Day very soon as it will be the anniversary of Noah's 1st birthday soon after. Like you being pregnant again(and hopefully to come having the baby here safe and well) I understand the mixed emotions you are feeling. I remember dreading Christmas not knowing what to expect as it seemed so impossible to imagine going through the routine of it knowing that Noah would not be there. Someone on here said that it was often the run up to the day that was actually worse than the actual day itself, which I think is true.
Whilst we are lucky to have our other children here with us it is no consolation when our other babies like Eris are missing but they do help in the way that means we have to 'get on with life' and are unable to curl up under the duvet. On the one hand it seems so cruel that life can carry but maybe having Kyirrie and you other 2 will in a way help get you through this hard time. Would you like to mark the day in any way? I know lots of us will light candles for Eris on Wednesday but is there anything you'd could do as a family? At Christmas we put tealights around Noah's grave and lit them over several days. I feel so helpless sitting here and hope i've not spoken crap or upset you further, but I just want you to know that you, Eris and your dear family are very much in my thoughts over this time and I'm sending you lots of hugs. xxx

hey feedmenow, I was just thinking of you the other day

Congratulations on the birth of Kyirrie and I'm glad that she is home with you after her difficult start. Wishing her well for the future and you strength to get through the tough times ahead.

The postponement of your grief is understandable; I can only imagine how difficult it must be . Are you getting some counselling to help you deal with all these conflicting emotions?

Wishing there was something I could say to make the bad stuff go away

thinking of you and your family at this difficult time.

daisy xx

Thank you all. I knew I'd find some comfort here.

We have plans for Eris's birthday. Me, dp and the children are having take away (just as we always do on birthdays) and I have ordered Eris a birthday cake. Just cos she isn't here to blow out her candle it doesn't mean we can't do it for her. And I have got some wish lanterns that we will release, one from each of us.

In so many ways I feel I am back to square one, so raw is my grief. I wish I could go back a year and just feel her in me one more time. I wish I could remember her face for real and not just from photos.

hi there

I remember reading about the loss of your precious daughter Eris. It is hard to beleive it is a year. I had no idea that you had another little girl . It must have felt so cruel to have happiness tinged with such worry and stress as she had to undergo surgery . It is wonderful she has come through it.

I don;t think there is anything wrong with taking some time out of things to grieve and cry again for Eris.

Am sure friends and family would rally round to help with the house and your other DCs to give you time and space to grieve

I think coping with an unwell baby must be so difficutl, never mind with the death of another child so fresh in your mind

it must be impossible to relax and shake the feeling that lightning does not strike twice

i think taking time to grieve and work through all your feelings will ultimately be a good thing for you and your family

can you do something to mark Eris's birth and her passing? perhaps releasing some balloons, planting a tree?

fmn big hugs ,its so bloody hard i know,wish i knew what to say but please know we are thinking of you xxlook after each otherx

feedmenow - I remember clearly your threads about Eris, and i often still think about you and her, and think what a beautiful name she has.

Huge congratualitons on the birth of Kyirrie, sorry to hear her life has started with troubles, it must all feel so bittersweet.

Just want to send love to you, and let oyu know we care and try to understand. xx

It is so lovely to know that people here remember her. It has always been one of my biggest fears that people would forget about her. I know we (me, dp & the children) will always remember but I so want her to be remembered and have her birthday recognised as if she were here with us by others too.

I was pleased to have a text from a friend today who I haven't seen for some years letting me know that she is thinking of Eris at the moment. It means so much to have her remember.

It's odd, but part of me feels as if we should actually be buying her a gift.

Last year I planted a whole load of forget me nots for her and ds1 noticed yesterday that they look like they are starting to flower already. I hope they are out in time for her birthday.

Feedmenow - I have thought of you and Eris often, so happy to hear of the birth of your and her little sister, dd Kyirrie.
I cannot imagine what you have been through and what you are still going through. No-one can put a time limit on grief, so it is understandable that you are feeling so vulnerable, especially with this anniversary coming up.
Please don't try to hold back your grief, you need to let it out, though I understand you feel you need to be strong for your children - I think they will understand, as they have lost a sister too.
I wish you and your family peace over the next few weeks.
I think the cake is a lovely idea, btw!

FMN - I often think of you and Eris and your family, and saw that Kyirrie had arrived. I'm so very glad that she is now home safely with you. I will be thinking of you even more over the next few days. Take care xx

FMN as soon as i saw the name 'Eris' i knew this post would be yours.

I occasionally post back to the bereaved mummys thread to see how you are doing.

Your thread about Eris really touched me in a way only a very few threads have on here.

I am so pleased about the safe , albeit stressful arrival of Kyirrie but cannot ever imagine how you come to terms with the loss of Eris.

Her photos were absolutely beautiful and i so wish she was here to be the big sister.

I think of you and dp and your dd and ds who suffered the loss of Eris too.

Take care and be kind to yourself in this coming week.

FMN - there hasn't been a time when I've seen the bereaved mothers thread come up on active conversations that I haven't thought of you and your precious Eris. She is not forgotten.

{{{hugs}}}, you've been through so much fmn.
I love that you're having a cake for her, lighting a candle too. Have you ever written any letters to her?

Sending you strength and love xxx

feedmenow-I just wanted to send you a hug and let you know I was thinking of her too. I hope that you can find some peace at this trying time. xxx

FMN Anniversaries and birthdays are so hard . I know for us the build up is generally harder to deal with than the day itself . It is lovely that you have got things planned for the day , otherwise you can find yourself spending allday waiting for something to happen , never sure what but I have spent a few of these days just waiting for something to happen but obviously the one thing I want to happen won't.

You say you have feelings about getting her a gift ? Maybe you could reverse this and buy something "from" Eris to your other children as a way of remembering her .

You and Eris will be in my thoughts .

Will you and your dh get any time during the day to be by yourselves ? I know it is hard because of the other children but you might feel a wee tiny bit better to be able to let things out without the guilt of having to be big and strong for the others . xx

Thank you for the lovely messages. I know I already said it but I am so pleased and touched that people here who don't even actually know me have remembered my dd.

Travellingwilbury, your suggestion is a lovely one. Did you have anything in mind as a gift? Or can anyone else think of something that would be appropriate?

As for dp and I, I haven't mentioned this and nor have I said anything to anyone in RL, but he is actually staying with a friend at the moment. I would like to think our problems are related to the apparent issues regarding Eris and Kyirrie and that they may be resolved but in truth I am not sure it is that straight forward. Which, in honesty, is making everything even harder for me.

Don'tpanic, I used to write in a journal in the very early days after Eris was born, and I would write her letters too, but I haven't done for some time. It was hard to dwell on the loss of one baby while trying to be positive for the new life I had growing in me.

Do you know, writing these things down here is actually making me realise that I have an awful lot of issues going on and that perhaps I need to get some help. Don't really know where from though.

feedmenow I have also thought of your baby girl and it seems impossible it was a year ago.

Many congratulations on the birth of your third daughter, I hope she is now doing well. Life with a poorly baby is very demanding, draining and obviously frightening.

I hope you at least find some peace over the next week and beyond. You and your family will certainly be in my thoughts.

FMN that is alovely idea of a gift to your 3 dc from Eris.
Maybe just something you know they all want or would like.
Or what about a special teddy bear ?

Sorry to hear of your issues with dh. I cannot imagine how much strain this must have placed on your relationship.
As you say the grieving process for Eris maybe wasn't done when you found out you were pregnant with Kyirrie.

Can you both get some counselling together. I also think maybe you need to talk to someone in RL esp if dh isn't there now.

FMN - just want to add that I haven't forgotten Eris either, and am thinking of you at this difficult time. I didn't know about your beautiful new baby, and it's lovely to hear some good news from you.

Derah

FMN I am sorry to hear that you and your dh are having troubles at the moment . I know we probably came very close to ending our relationship within the first year or so . Grief is sometimes a very selfish thing . You have such a lot going on , I hope you both manage to keep talking and get through this .

As for a gift from Eris , maybe something for the garden that all the children can enjoy . I would try and choose something pretty indestructable as well , there will be a lot of emotion tied up with whatever you choose .

Be kind to yourself x

Sending you much love and hugs and letting you know that Eris is definitely not forgotten. She will always be in my prayers, and you and your growing family are thought of so often.
I hope you find some support - you and your dp really do need it. It would be an impossible situation without help I should imagine.
With love and hugs.