*URGENT How do we explain that I am going to die.*

[NIght]

I have a brain tumour and have recently been told I have months and not years to live. My main concern is now for my family. I have a 3 1/2 year old beautiful boy. Can anyone please help with advise for my husband and I. What on earth do we do to make this easier on a little boy? Also I am trying to write a letter to my husband, but finding it difficult to find the words. Can anyone suggest any reading material or farewell peoms?

Oh, Night ...

So sad for you all - this is every mother's nightmare. Making a video for him probably won't help him now, but will when he is older - our mother died when my brother was just 8 and I discovered months later that he felt personally abandoned - that she had chosen not to stay for him.

So if you can talk to your son in a film and tell him how much you love him, and wish you were still here for him, he can watch it whenever he wants and always know how much you wanted to stay. It will be very hard to do but I really think it would help.

There are some children's books about grief here although I don't know how useful they would be for a boy of 3.

Otherwise all you can do is keep telling him in simple terms what is going to happen. He will forget and have to be reminded.

Can't think of anything else to say. So sorry.

NIght, I have no contructive advice but I just wanted to say that your courage amazes me. Good luck and best wishes. xxx

Night, I think you are being very brave and thoughtful. I would suggest having a look at the poetry of Khalil Gibran/Jibran (not sure of spelling).

Everything else I want to write sounds like a platitude or a cliche, but I wish you and your family peace and love at this difficult time and in the years to come.

His poetry is very deep, but basically it is about how pain and suffering lead the way to understanding.

NIght,

I am so very sorry. Words fail me. I notice that you've got some helpful advice here from Xzebra and others. I can't really suggest anything and can only offer my sympathy.

It might be an idea - if you are up to it, to start writing a long open letter to your son explaining your life with him, how you spend your time together. Memories of lovely times you have had. I am sure that will be something he will treasure in later years when he is old enough to read it and understand it.

I am in tears thinking about you.

Please keep posting if it helps to talk

A friend of mine died very unexpectadly in February, leaving 2 small children and a 5 month old baby. The eldest (boy, 3.5 yrs) has been very comforted by a box under mummy's bed which has special mummy hugs in for when he misses her. This was devised by granny when he asked why mummy couldn't hug him - now ho opens the box to have a hug. Also, they all sing Twinkle Twinkle when they miss her, as she used to get them to say goodnight to the stars.
I am not sure whether this will help, but thought it might. xxx

Didn't want to pass by and ignore you, NIght. What can I say? You've had some good suggestions including, as has already been said, a box containing 'you'. Think about what things remind you of your mum ie. her perfume, perhaps her favourite film, her favourite lipstick etc

Please stay in touch...

night Ur situation is heartbreaking. As other have said about the memory box maybe if u also put in ur fave perfume or shampoo or something so there is a smell to remind ur ds/dh and also have ur fave top or pjs turned into a pillow. Obviously nothing will ever replace u but if thye can have these reminders it will help.

NIght, don't know what to say except will be thinking of you and your little family xxxxx My mum died when I was 8 and I think it would have helped me tremendously to have had a letter, video or something that she had left for me even for when I got older. It was all kept very quiet that she was ill even though she was unwell for quite a while. I think the box that littlerach mentioned or something similar would be a really good idea xxx you are unbelievably brave

So many good suggestions here I do hope that something is useful to you. I am so sorry to hear that life is throwing this at you.

I'm back - I can't stop thinking about what you must be going through. It might also help your little boy if you made things together, such as paintings or create stories together and then write down, so that afterwards he will know that he made these things with you.

Night, I cannot seem to think of the words to say to you.

I am sure your son will have some memories of you and I think that the ideas that others have come up with are great. I especially think the dvd or video one would be good. He will be able to watch it whenever he likes.

X
NBG

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Night, what an appalling thing for you and your family to have to deal with. Hopefully, there have been some helpful suggestions posted so far.

Of course, what you put in your husband's letter will depend on your own relationship, but if I had to leave a letter like this for my husband,(we're not really poetry people) it would include the following:

How he has been the best thing to happen in my life.

How he and our children have been a source of great joy and pride to me, and have provided me with more love and capacity to give love than I would have thought was possible.

I'd choose a couple of happy memories particular to us as a couple and write about them in as much detail as I could - where we were, what we were doing and saying, how I felt at the time, even what the weather was like. And then I'd try and explain what those memories mean to me now.

I would thank him for all of the above and for the time we had together.

Jem

Oh Night I am so so sorry. I've heard a little reading about dragonflies which helps explain death to children ... about how they are all so happy living in the pond as bugs but every now and then one of them crawls up to the surface but never comes back, so one of them vows to come back to explain to the others what's up there, and he crawls up and finds he has wings and he's in a beautiful place but when he tries to go back to the others he finds he can't but realises one day he'll meet the others when they get their wings. I'll try to find it for you.

I think everyone's suggestions about a memory box is fantastic ... put anything and everything you can think of in there about you, your time with your son and as a family. You could do the same for your husband ... it might be easier to gather things that mean a lot to you, than finding all the words you need in a letter. You might find the words come as you start pulling things together or just start writing little notes.

My heart truly goes out to you. xxx

It's called:

Waterbugs and Dragonflies Explaining Death to Young Children
Stickney, Doris

xxx

night, i am so sorry. i hope you find the suggestions here useful.

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