Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Flip

Original poster

Due date after m/c how do i cope?

24 replies

dyzzidi · 31/03/2005 12:08

Its my due date next week but I m/c in September. I am finding it really difficult to cope with the thoughts that my baby should be here next week. I don't know what to do!

I am supposed to be working that day but am not sure if I should stay at home. I will be alone as DP is away working if I stay at home.

Do any of you have any advice?

OP posts:

wild · 31/03/2005 12:11

I would go to work as if you are at home on your own it will go round in your head. Acknowledge it, of course, but try to keep positive and busy, there is nothing to be gained from dwelling on what might have been.

mummytosteven · 31/03/2005 12:15

I think wild is right, that you might find it overwhelming being at home on your own, whilst being at work you will at least have people or some distraction. i think it is only natural that the grief of the m/c will hit you worse at times like the due date, so I think it might help if you accept that it will hurt more over the next few weeks, and just try to be as kind to yourself as possible, plan the sort of things that help you most, whether its going out loads or staying in with books/vids/nice hot bath.

wild · 31/03/2005 12:15

and it does get easier, my due date was last August, from time to time I still wonder what it would like to have 2 children but on the whole once the due date was past I was more able to let go

welshmum · 31/03/2005 12:23

Don't know if you're religious dyzzidi - don't think it matters anyway - but you could go to a church you like and light a candle/say a prayer/leave some flowers.
I found that it helped to mark the day in some way.
I hope it passes peacefully for you.

uwila · 31/03/2005 12:45

I've never miscarried, so my opinion might not count for much. But, I think that if YOU think staying home for a bit of mourning your loss will be therapuetic, then you should. But, if you think going to work and keeping busy will pass the day faster then you should do that.

I have a very close friend who 8 years ago buried her 10 year old daughter (who died of natural causes). Every year ever since then she takes the day off on the day her DD died and on her DD's birthday. It works for her. That's her time to remember her DD. I'm not really sure what she does. I think she visits the cemetary, goes through old pictures and videos, and just cherishes the memories. There are of course tears on this day. But, it seems to be her way of keeping that little bit of Jessica in her life forever.

Oh, I'm gonna cry if I type any more.... bettter go now.

Azure · 31/03/2005 12:59

Dyzzidi, sorry to hear about your loss. I also m/c in September and that due date is in a couple of weeks. With my first m/c I found that the expectation of the due date was worse than the day itself - that's not to say that I wasn't sad and tearful. I went to work, but had a good old cry when I got home. One thing that did upset me was the fact that no-one remembered the date - not my husband, not my mum, no-one. Take the day as it comes - if you feel you'll be too emotional to be at work, go home or somewhere you would rather be.

LeahE · 31/03/2005 13:25

I agree with Azure -- the week leading up to the due date was much worse than the due date itself. If I were you I would go to work rather than be at home alone, but you may feel differently.

morningpaper · 31/03/2005 14:04

I pesonally would go to work but try to have an easy day. If DP is away perhaps you could have a quiet ritual in the evening to remember your baby?

I think a ritual to mark the day is a great idea. You could light a candle in a church as has been suggested. If you have a local minister that you know, they might be able to suggest some ideas.

Search for ritual and miscarriage for some ideas on Google - there are some interesting ideas from Judaism and wicca in particular.

sweetheart · 31/03/2005 14:13

I'm guessing from your post that you were approx 3 months gone when you m/c?

I lost a baby at 4 months in January and because of his size he was given a funeral and we now have the place where his ashes are scattered to visit should we need a place to go and remember him.

I don't know if you have the same - but even if you don't have a cemetry/creamatorium etc to visit I'm sure you can think of somewhere special to go and think of your baby.

I'm sure this day will be hard whatever you do so all I can suggest is that you make at least a small part of the day thats just about your baby and your grief. Regardless of if thats 1/2 and hour in the evening or the whole day - I'm sure that baby will be somewhere thinking of you too.

HTH xxx

Original poster

dyzzidi · 31/03/2005 17:23

I am hopefull that things will become a little easier and am sure I am getting myself wound up over nothing.

I have made my boss aware what date it is and its significance he has been great. He wants me to come in so I am not alone and if I want to go home early then that is oK

OP posts:

Spacecadet · 31/03/2005 22:45

You poor thing {{hugs}} I would try and keep busy, but recognise the day too, perhaps by planting something nice in your garden or lighting a candle in your local church, I lost a baby, almost 3 weeks ago at 16 weeks and my due date was my birthday in aug, I am dreading that day, my birthday will never be the same again.

Original poster

dyzzidi · 06/04/2005 17:49

Sorry to post again but have got myself so worked up about tomorrow I keep bursting into tears. I just don't want to go home tonight. Once I get there it will just be me and am driving myself mad with what if's.

Would normally go and stay with my sister but she has a young baby and not sure if that will make me worse tomorrow when i get up and he is there.

Just feel so crap.

OP posts:

triceratops · 06/04/2005 18:06

I agree that some sort of ceremony can help to give a focus for your grief. It must be heart breaking for you. ((hugs))

george32 · 07/04/2005 09:46

Dyz, just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and that I hope that you are doing OK today. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
xx

ETsmum · 07/04/2005 18:28

dyzzidi - hugs......don't really know what else to say, but thinking of you.

wendy11 · 07/04/2005 19:21

Dyzzidi

Thinking of you today and sending your love and hugs

Nemo1977 · 07/04/2005 19:32

dyzz hun huge hugs to u
hope u r coping
u know where we r if u need or want anything
take care hun
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Original poster

dyzzidi · 08/04/2005 17:18

Thanks for your messages of support. In the end I took hte day off work went to the hospital chapel in the morning and lit a candle, as they have a babies section. then went home and moped for a few hours. Then went to the cemetry there is a memorial stone there for babies to lay some flowers. It was glorious sunshine and a really nice place it actually lifted my spirits.

DP couldn't get back from Ireland but phoned and ordered a chinese to be delivered to me without telling me and then rang to say it was because he knew I would'nt have eaten. I spoke to him loads on the phone 9/10 times and he is home tonight so i feel better.

All the people on mumsnet have really helped me as I have a place to say what I feel without upsetting people, I feel stronger for having this space.

Thanks again x x x

OP posts:

LGJ · 08/04/2005 18:20

What a lovely man, you can tell him, he made me cry, well fill up anyway.

Scorpio05 · 09/04/2005 16:08

Hi
I was in exactly the same position as you. I m/c last January and gave birth to my son in Feb I was as worried as you but when it came down to it and my son was born I realised that the baby I had lost was not meant to be here and that my son was (if I hadnt have lost my first I wouldn't have had my son)Altho I will always be sad about the baby I lost I am eternally grateful that my son is here. You will never forget your loss but your baby will help you feel less sad and raw! Anyway I guno stop babbling now Hope it was helpful Take Care Scorpio

george32 · 12/04/2005 09:32

Hi Dyz.
Just wondering if you are OK?
xx

Original poster

dyzzidi · 12/04/2005 13:37

Hi George32

I'm doing Ok today passed my driving test this morning so things are looking up.

Going to give TTC another go in a few weeks just can't face it at the minute.

I hae got an IVF appointment on the 29th so keep thinking May will be a good month for me.

Thanks for your concern.

Dyz

OP posts:

Marina · 12/04/2005 13:41

Congratulations on passing your test Dyzzidi and hope it is just the first of many good things to come for you this Spring.

george32 · 12/04/2005 14:02

Glad you are doing OK.
Well done on the driving test. Don't think I'd have a chance of passing if I took it now - never have mastered reverse parking!!

Hope to see you back in the midst of TTC soon. If you haven't been keeping up, we are looking into yams helping fertility now (yes, that was yams!!!)

Flip