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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Should children go to a Grandparent's funeral?

59 replies

ghosty · 14/09/2008 22:41

Bit of a family debate going on here. My SIL's mother died after a 10 month battle with cancer . My SIL is planning to take my niece and nephew to the funeral (a cremation). My brother and my parents don't think it is right and that they shouldn't go.
I don't see the problem tbh - they are 11 and 7 and were very close to their grandmother. My 11 year old niece raised 620 pounds for cancer research by running 5km less than a week after her grandma's death so I think she is completely entitled to go.

OP posts:

Threadwworm · 14/09/2008 22:42

I would say, absolutely, of course they should be allowed to go.

policywonk · 14/09/2008 22:43

Of course they should go if they want to. What is your brother's objection? (And how is it your parents' business?) They're not babies. I took my DSs to my mother's funeral recently, and tbh they were a bit of a pain in the unusual, but then they're 3 and 5 and didn't have the slightest idea of what was going on.

paddingtonbear1 · 14/09/2008 22:44

this is often a difficult one.
do they want to go?
If so, then yes I would probably let them.

paddingtonbear1 · 14/09/2008 22:45

my colleague at work got some stick for letting his dd go to her granddads funeral - she really wanted to go, so he let her (she was about 9 or 10). I thought he did the right thing.

solidgoldbrass · 14/09/2008 22:47

11 and 7 is plenty old enough to go to a funeral, behave well - and to resent being banned from going. It's understandable that people might not want 2/3 years olds at funerals as that age is not old eough to understand what's happening. What are the objections to them going?

expatinscotland · 14/09/2008 22:48

depends on the child and on what hte deceased and the family want the funeral to be about.

don't think there's any black or white when it comes to funerals or memorial services when it comes to kids, IMO.

Threadwworm · 14/09/2008 22:49

There are some odd ideas about funerals: I remember my mum saying that when she was growing up in Wiltshire, it was considered very very unusual for women to attend funerals. I can't quite believe I have remembered this correctly, it seems so weird.

BecauseImWorthIt · 14/09/2008 22:49

When my mum died, my boys were were 9 and 12. I wasn't sure if it was appropriate, but the undertaker and the rest of my family said that they were old enough.

Both boys were in floods of tears during the service. But I'm glad that they were there. It was important even if it was painful. And, selfishly, it helped me get through the service, because I wanted to make sure that they were OK.

MadBadandDangerousToKnow · 14/09/2008 22:50

Different families view these things differently.

My daughter went as a babe in arms to her grandmother's funeral - she didn't know what it was about and, besides, we didn't have any alternative childcare - but my SIL didn't want children at her father's funeral because she thought that it would upset both her and them.

Do your niece and nephew want to go? Will it help them, to be able to say goodbye to grandma? Will your SIL draw comfort from their being there? If the answer to these is yes, then I see no reason for them not to go.

Original poster

ghosty · 14/09/2008 22:50

I agree with you all. I told my dad that I didn't see what the problem was, that it would bring closure for them as they have really had a rough time watching their lovely grandma battle with her illness.
My dad just thinks they shouldn't go as it is a sad occasion and no place for children. I was 7 when my grandmother died and I wasn't allowed to go to her funeral - I still wish I had gone although I didn't know her even half as well as my niece and nephew knew their grandma.

OP posts:

Saturn74 · 14/09/2008 22:50

I have always taken my children to family funerals, and have never regretted the decision.

Reginaphilangy · 14/09/2008 22:50

At 11 and 7 they are old enough to have their wishes respected.
Do they want to go?
If so, then they should absolutely be allowed to go.

policywonk · 14/09/2008 22:51

That's the tradition in South Wales thready - my maternal grandmother didn't attend her husband's funeral (married 60+ years), and nor did my mother (stayed at home with her mam in solidarity) - it's quite a strong tradition. No idea what the thinking is behind it (except that possibly we're supposed to stay at home buttering baps? What's that Victoria Wood line - '120 baps Connie, you slice I'll spread')

expatinscotland · 14/09/2008 22:51

i saw a show about muslim undertakers and women didn't go to some of those funerals, either. even for their own husbands or sons.

Dropdeadfred · 14/09/2008 22:52

I went to my uncle's funeral aged 11 (he was 21 and died suddenly - we were very close to him)....it disturbed me so much seeing all my family and their freinds crying and upset...it affected me so much that I begged my mum NOT to make me go to my grandfather's funeral 10 years later ( I did go and it was not as bad as I thought it would be)...I would use my judgement regarding my own children going to a funeral

solidgoldbrass · 14/09/2008 22:53

I think your dad can butt out TBH. It's not actually either up to him or anything to do with him. It's up to your SIL (it's her family) and the children themselves as they are plenty old enough to be given the choice.

policywonk · 14/09/2008 22:53

ghosty, and for your SIL - as BIWI says, it might help her to get through the funeral if her children are with her (provided that they want to go, of course).

Thinking that you can protect children from sadness by keeping them away from the funeral... that's just a bit mad, isn't it? The sad thing has already happened; sad things will continue to happen for some time. The funeral is just one stage in a sad journey.

Threadwworm · 14/09/2008 22:53

That's really interesting policywonk. And of course South Wales is only a hop from Wiltshire. I think the rules were the same in Cranford weren't they?

LOL about the baps. Women get to work out their grief buttering bread.

mrswotzisnotin · 14/09/2008 22:55

I think letting children go to family funerals is part of life and sharing what you all have as a family. They sound like they were very close to their grandmother and I think they should be allowed yo go if they want to.

policywonk · 14/09/2008 22:55

Threadwworm · 14/09/2008 22:55

Ghosty, I should have said how sorry I am for your SIL and family -- and how brilliantly your neice did in raising £620.

Gingerbear · 14/09/2008 22:56

Ask them if they want to go. At 11 and 7 they are old enough to understand and to know how they would feel.

We asked DD who is 6 and did not want to go to her grandad's funeral.

She had a lovely day instead with Yorkiegirl and her DD's.

Dropdeadfred · 14/09/2008 22:57

My uncle's funeral was the first (and only) time I have seen my dad cry...it shocked me and distressed me.

It's not just the death of the person (which is obviously sad) it's seeing adults acting in a way you may not have seen them behave before - thats scarey and upsetting

unknownrebelbang · 14/09/2008 22:58

A friend's son when to his grandfather's funeral and he was just 11, and it was the right thing for him (and his 14 year old brother).

Surely it depends on the child/ren?

Gingerbear · 14/09/2008 22:59

My niece is 13 and wanted to read a poem at my dad's funeral. She was completely overwhelmed, bless her, but she got half way through before my sister took over.

Ghosty, don't underestimate the profound emotion when seeing the coffin. It is a powerful symbol, and often something a child finds hard to cope with.

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