Should children go to a Grandparent's funeral?

[ghosty]

Bit of a family debate going on here. My SIL's mother died after a 10 month battle with cancer . My SIL is planning to take my niece and nephew to the funeral (a cremation). My brother and my parents don't think it is right and that they shouldn't go.
I don't see the problem tbh - they are 11 and 7 and were very close to their grandmother. My 11 year old niece raised 620 pounds for cancer research by running 5km less than a week after her grandma's death so I think she is completely entitled to go.

I see your point DDF and your uncle's funeral does sound like a bad experience.

I suppose it partly depends on how each family approaches things like adults crying. As my mother was dying I cried plenty around my DSs, as did my dad. They understood that she was very ill and would probably die (well my older son did anyway), and I like to think that although I was a big snotty heaving mass of tears at the funeral, they weren't particularly traumatised by it because it was all in context - I'd cried before, I've cried since. As far as they're concerned, I cry all the bleeding time

If they don't want to go, you could buy a rose and plant it in the garden, may be they can write a note or poem and place it in a small box and plant it with the rose.

Policywonk - you're right...my grandparents funeral whilst sad was NOTHING(no disrespect meant) compared to the sheer raw grief that outpoured at my uncles funeral

shit i have just welled up big time and it was years and years ago...

Yes, the grief that surrounds the death of a young person is a different sort of thing.

yes, some funerals are much more traumatic than others, particularly when the person died suddenly or tragically or unexpectedly or was very young.

but a grandparent, well, it all depends on many factors.

my uncle dies leaving his wife expecting a child he would never meet...it was just 4 months after I had been bridesmaid at their wedding

sorry - back to the original question - use your own judgement, I think the 7 yr old might be a little young, but you wil know whether it will be a quiet restrained funeral or a very raw grief-stricken, tearful one that may upset younger children

I agree that the circumstances of the person who has died, makes a huge difference to how people cope at a funeral.

Coincidentally I have had this conversation with my dd this evening. She is 12 and I had been trying to get through to my parent on the phone, they are 80 and 81 and had become upset when I couldnt get hold of them. Anyway everything was ok as it was a fault on their line and my neice got through and asked them to call me. Because I was upset we got to talking about it and my dd asked if she could go to the funeral if anything happened to them and I asked if she would really want to as funerals aren't very nice and she said that she would like to go as she loves them. Maybe attending these events, at this stage in life, is good to see that people do go on and that although they are greived for there is a life that carries on afterwards.

Depends upon the child, depends upon the relationship with the grandparent. Absolutely no hard and fast rules. My children didn't attend MIL's funeral - partly because they were too young (4 and 6)and it wouldn't mean that much to them, and partly because they were not all that close (geographical distance meant that we didn't see her that often)

I think it's a bit rich of your parents to take a view on whether your nephew and niece should attend their other grandma's funeral. It is really for your SIL and your brother to work out

I see what you are saying about my parents - I must say that it is my dad's opinion ... and he hasn't said anything to my SIL - he's not like that. He just told me that he didn't think it was right. I have told my dad that I would do the same as SIL if I was in her shoes (ie, I would bring my children to his funeral if he died, but not in so many words as my Dad has cancer too so didn't want to rub it in IYSWIM?)
TBH although it is very very sad that SIL's mother has passed, the sadness was more in her terrible illness and the pain she went through. Talking to my SIL last week it seems like the main feeling here is one of relief that her lovely mother is no longer in pain and the awful strain on her (equally lovely) father will be eased now. It has truely been a terrible time for them.
My niece is a fabulously mature and wonderful 11 year old who set up a just giving site less than 3 days after her grandma's death - the 5km run was planned anyway, she ran the whole way in 33 minutes. My nephew is maybe a bit young but, he loved his grandma and apparently the night after she died, when he was saying goodnight to every one he went to her chair and whispered goodnight to her [sob]
I think they should go. I think they can cope and I think that what policywonk said about it being a part of a sad journey is so true
Thanks for thoughts
xxxx

It does sound as if it would mean an awful lot for your nephew and niece to go and might really help them in their grieving process... not that they will suddenly feel better for attending the funeral, but you know what I mean - it's an important step in their eventual 'recovery', and coming to terms with it

Also, must not forget that it means a great deal to the loved ones left behind if family and friends attend the funeral. I was fond of my MIL and I cared a great deal that people should attend iyswim. The surviving grandfather (husband) in this case, will probably take strength from his grandchildren being their and showing their love and commitment for their grandma

for you. I know that some people think under 12 is too young to go to a funeral but I think it depends on the children.

My mum died last year and my sister and brother wanted their kids (age range 1 -nearly 5) to go to their beloved nanna's funeral.
Personally I would have preferred it if they hadn't been at the service, as they rather interrupted proceedings and upset my Dad by refusing to sit quietly, but other people at the service thought how lovely it was that they were there, and that my mum would have wanted them to be there (I don't think she would but hey.)

At 7 and 11 they can surely be trusted to sit and be quiet for the service, so I can't see why they shouldn't go but giving them the choice would be better.

....all the urchins attended the lovely (if fearsome) Mrs Goth's funeral (they were 9, 7, 5 and 5 at the time)

....the lovely (if fearsome) Mrs Goth's mother died in January this year aged 84. I was surprised when my then 8 year old declared he wanted to go (as he didn't like her much) but I took him. He was fine, better than fine in fact, and was primarily concerned with the size of the engine in the hearse (Quote: "the hearse at my Mum's funeral was much better than this... it was a V8")

....but yes. If they want to go it is mean not to take them. Let them say goodbye.

Maybe the children could attend the service etc and maybe the wake for an hour and then they could be collected - perhaps by your parents. This would give them a chance to be a part of the day without it being too overwhelming. It would also give your SIL some time to reflect on the day aswell without her worrying about her children.

DDs (7 & 3) went to my Dad's funeral recently. 7 yo got alot from it, 3 yo just made every one laugh by rolling up the 'progamme' into a trumpet and blowing as loud as she could. But that wasn't as good as at my FIL's funeral few months ago where she piped up at the crucial moment 'Me need a wee wee.' But I can honestly say that my Dad and FIL would have been thrilled to see my daughters there, both dressed in bright flowery dresses, really enjoying the attention and the sense of occassion. I don't believe that children should be kept away, For my 7 yo DD1 it has been hard seeing both her grandads dying in such a short time of one another, but it has really made her appreciate the family she has. I would NEVER have kept her away from such an occassion because bothe Grandfathers loved her dearly, and she deserved to have been recongnised as such. People so under estimate children,but they can endure and make sense of so much more than we, as 'adults', can ever hope to do. Children still grieve and comprehend, sometimes on a higher level than we do

They seem old enough to me. Dd was really close to my mum, but was only 3 when she died. She had seen her in hospital daily fighting leukaemia, but I couldn't take her to the funeral as I needed to say goodbye without worrying constantly about whether dd would run around and shout "I'm bored!", as mum would have disapproved if she had. She did however choose a special thing for the top of the coffin (ironically a silk door hanger saying "sleeping beauty"!) and made Nana a card, so she was there in spirit and was mentioned in the service. I dressed her in a beautiful non-black outfit for the wake afterwards and she set up a tea shop and served everyone tea and lifted the spirit totally. As long as they won't be running up and down the aisle and causing a disturbance I can't see the problem tbh.

Message withdrawn

Obviously up to the child in the end but I would certainly allow it if they wanted to go - ds aged 11 has just been to his grandfather's funeral and I think it was a good decision.

I would say that, at that age, they can decide for themselves if they want to go and should be allowed to if they want to.

When my Dad died earlier this year we decided that DS (3 at the time) was too young but DD (8 and very sensitive) wanted to go. I had my doubts but the lovely lady vicar said that, in her experience, if children of that age say they want to go then they shoul be allowed.

DD did find it very upsetting (it was a cremation) but I think it was good in the long term. She also came to the get-together afterwards which balanced it out nicely as there was laughter and positive words there.

My children had an absolute blast at my mother's wake - to the extent that they kept asking me when we could go to a funeral again.

Sorry to hear about your dad ghosty. I hope your family get through the next few weeks as well as you can.

Same here: DS1 had a fabulous time at the funeral tea, even though he had been crying his soul out at the service. And, like another poster has said, it was the sight of the coffin that triggered his grief -- a very concrete sign of death, well-suited to a young child's concrete ways of thinking.

My Dad died when my DS was three and although he wasn't at the service, he came along to the tea afterwards......roll on another two and a half years and my mum died. He was very very close to her and was at both the cremation and the tea afterwards.

I think it was really important for him to be there to say his goodbyes too, having watched her die slowly from cancer. He seems much more at peace with his nana's death than his grandad's....maybe because he is older, but maybe because he was at the funeral......or maybe because he and his cousins got a ride in a limo

I still remember not being allowed to go to my grandad's funeral when I was six years old, because I was "too young". Maybe this is what helped me make the decision to let my DS go.

It also helps that my mum and dad both lived for their grandchildren and to not have them there would have been too too weird.

I'm sure they will be absolutely fine; children have a tendency to be much more grounded and accepting about these things than grown-ups

I would say that they should definitely go if they want to. My youngest nephew is 10 and went to his grandad's funeral. It was really important to all of the grandchildren that they could say goodbye. When my nan died I was 7 and everyone pretended to me that it hadn't happened, which IMO isn't very healthy.

We took our 5 dcs to my MIL's funeral a few months ago. We didn't have childcare but wanted to take them anyway. Having them to focus on really helped dh to get through the day. I don't think children should be shielded from the cycle of life. MIL was at home for the day/night before the funeral which was a new experience for me but didn't phase the children, they gathered flowers from outside and placed them in her coffin with pictures they had drawn.

Update: The funeral was on Tuesday and my Dad was very pleasantly impressed by the children - they behaved impeccably by all accounts (I am in Australia so couldn't go ) and then they cheered everyone up afterwards as they were able run around and play outside the church etc.
It was a sad but good day for everyone there.
Thanks for all your thoughts xx