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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

BIG DILEMMA - Do let my 7yo son attend his grandfathers funeral?

61 replies

shatteredmumsrus · 22/08/2008 14:12

He has suddenly died of cancer aged 52 and it has happened so quickly that it was a big shock to my son. They were extremely close, staying over every weekend and gong for tea every Wednesday. He was a major influence in his life. Funeral is next Friday, do i let him go?He is a mature and sensible boy but I really dont know what to do for the best. Help???

OP posts:

WideWebWitch · 22/08/2008 14:13

I would let him go. Funerals are an important part of the grieving process.

WideWebWitch · 22/08/2008 14:13

Sorry about your FIL too, that's so young. How sad.

Original poster

shatteredmumsrus · 22/08/2008 14:17

Thanks WW. He was only diagnosed in June! Went rapidly downhill, too quick to take it all in. Everyone involved is finding it extremely hard. He saw him in hospital but we didnt realise that would be the last time, he was meant to be coming home today.

OP posts:

MissisBoot · 22/08/2008 14:18

Does he want to go? Has he been to a funeral before?

It sounds as if he had a lovely relationship with his gf - if you think he may be too young perhaps you could do something with him seperately to say goodbye and think about all the special times they had together.

Sometimes funerals can also be distressing for children when they see other adults visably upset - do you think he would be able to deal with this?

WideWebWitch · 22/08/2008 14:19

Oh that's so sad. Does your son want to go? I expect he will and I think you should let him. Funerals are about saying goodbye and a stage in grief and also about life going on, imo. So I think it's only right that children who were close to the person who died should be able to go. I didn't take my ds when my dad died but only because he was younger, he was only 3 and because selfishly, I knew I would be incapable of looking after him and I wanted to be able to say goodbye to my dad alone. I cried a hell of a lot, I think it would have been distressing for ds to see but I think a 7yo is a different matter.

tiggerlovestobounce · 22/08/2008 14:22

What does your son want to do? - I think it would be a shame to go against his wishes.

Original poster

shatteredmumsrus · 22/08/2008 14:22

He hasnt been to a funeral before.Good idea about doing something separately.The day after we went to see his Nanny and his Uncles and they were all very upset and crying. He did cry there but not worryingly so just normally.When his nan started crying he went over to her with open arms and said 'nanny' and higged her so lovingly. I cant see for cryng now.

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Original poster

shatteredmumsrus · 22/08/2008 14:23

He just assumes he is going. Would it be better for him to just go to the wake?

OP posts:

MissisBoot · 22/08/2008 14:24

Bless him - he sounds an absolute sweetheart.

Original poster

shatteredmumsrus · 22/08/2008 14:25

Sorry he hugged her not higged her, Ha

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WideWebWitch · 22/08/2008 14:25

I don't think it matters that he hasn't been before. You could explain to him before hand what will happen and what the funeral is for and so on and that it is so everyone can say goodbye to grandad.

calsworld · 22/08/2008 14:25

So sorry for your loss. I agree that if your son wants to go that it can be a really important process for him. From your last post it seems that he may also bring comfort to his nanny by being there?

WideWebWitch · 22/08/2008 14:26

I think if he assumes he is going and he wants to go and he was close to his grandad then you should let him go. I think he'd feel very left out and hurt if he wasn;t allowed to go.

combustiblelemon · 22/08/2008 14:26

Sorry for your loss. Would it be possible for your mother/sister/friend to go with you all. You might find it easier if there's someone who is focused on looking after your DS so that he feels reassured and you don't need to worry if he wants to leave/go outside for a while.

Original poster

shatteredmumsrus · 22/08/2008 14:26

Yeah I agree with all of you I just wanted to make sure I was doing the right thing ts a tough one

OP posts:

MissisBoot · 22/08/2008 14:27

Do you know how big the funeral is likely to be? Or if its going to be a burial or cremation?

You could then maybe go with him beforehand and show him where his gf will be and speak about what the service will be like and what happens when - I imagine it could be quite distressing to see a coffin being lowered into the ground if you weren't fully prepared for it.

Are there other cousins who will be attending?

MerlinsBeard · 22/08/2008 14:28

Will he be ok with seeing other peoples grief? Its quite something for an adult to see sometimes.

Also, would his grandad want him to be there? My gran died recently and she had very strict views about where children should be, funerals were on her no list. That meant that DS1 couldn't come although we did take them to the wake afterwards.

Is it your dad or your DHs/DPs? do they want him to go? WIll your son be ok watching their grief?

Original poster

shatteredmumsrus · 22/08/2008 14:28

There wll be alot of people there so know I have the support

OP posts:

SqueakyPop · 22/08/2008 14:28

What about going to the funeral but not the committal?

Pinkjenny · 22/08/2008 14:30

My grandfather died when I was 12, and my parents didn't let me go to the funeral. They were worried about how I would handle seeing my dad so upset.

FWIW I think they made the right decision, for me, but it completely depends on your own circumstances.

WideWebWitch · 22/08/2008 14:31

Good idea about showing him the place beforehand and also about taking someone who isn't as closely involved so they can take your ds out if necessary.

Original poster

shatteredmumsrus · 22/08/2008 14:32

Theres so much to think about. My heads all over the place

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WideWebWitch · 22/08/2008 14:33

These are only my views, if you don't think it's the right thing to do for your son then don't take him - only you know your boy, please feel free to completely ignore me, I'm only telling you what I'd do. My ds is 10 now and I'd take him to a funeral if it was a relative but prob wouldn't for dd, who is 4. Seven is a funny in between age I think.

Swedes · 22/08/2008 14:39

Sorry for your sad news.

Thinking back to when my sons were 7, I would have let them attend. Trust your instincts.

flamingtoaster · 22/08/2008 14:43

My view (and I admit to having been deeply traumatized by being taken to a funeral when I was 4) is that children should not be taken to funerals. My husband was at a funeral earlier in the week and at the commital there were children (slightly older than your son) on their knees, clutching their parents' legs sobbing uncontrollably. He now agrees with me that children should not go to funerals.

If your DS doesn't go you can work out your own way to remember his grandfather. Maybe after a suitable interval make a special book of happy memories where he can write down things they did or talked about, and get some extra copies of family photos to stick in it.

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