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Original poster

BIG DILEMMA - Do let my 7yo son attend his grandfathers funeral?

61 replies

shatteredmumsrus · 22/08/2008 14:12

He has suddenly died of cancer aged 52 and it has happened so quickly that it was a big shock to my son. They were extremely close, staying over every weekend and gong for tea every Wednesday. He was a major influence in his life. Funeral is next Friday, do i let him go?He is a mature and sensible boy but I really dont know what to do for the best. Help???

OP posts:
norksinmywaistband · 22/08/2008 14:54

It is a very individual decision.
To be made by you and your Mum.
If he wants to go then IMO he should, I was stopped from going to my GF funeral at age 8 and have always felt I wanted to be there.

norksinmywaistband · 22/08/2008 14:55

Sorry for your loss

catweazle · 22/08/2008 14:58

When my dad died (unexpectedly) my DCs were 10, 8, 6 and 4. DH asked them individually whether they wanted to go to the funeral. Only the 10 yo wanted to go, as did her 9 yo cousin.

My 8 yo was then the one who had the biggest problem coming to terms with grandad's death, and I wonder if it was because he wasn't involved. In our case, not coming meant not at all, as it involved a 4 hr drive, so they couldn't just come to the wake.

elmoandella · 22/08/2008 14:58

sorry about your loss.

think it depends on the type of service. if there's an open casket it's not a good idea.can be quite traumatic.

i think the idea of going on your own to do something else is good.

or perhaps just the actual burial.

if it's a cremation that can be disturbing also.

but if he wants to go. you should follow your instincts and let him go to some part of it.

7 is an awkward age. but still can be traumatic. i went to my gf funeral i think i was about 6.5yo. i dont remember much of anything at that age. but that day really sticks with me. and not in a good way. i couldn't go to another funeral till only recently when i really had to. if i can do, i will avoid a funeral at all costs. have a bit of a phobia about them now.

Flossyjim · 22/08/2008 15:09

It can be quite traumatic for little ones at funerals. I would suggest doing something seperately for him to remember his GF in a pleasant way rather than remembering seeing lots of other family members so upset.
I was 6 when my mother suddenly died. I didn't go to her funeral, just the wake afterwards, which I remember calling "Mummy's Party". She was only 30 when she died, so I can only imagine what a state the rest of my family would have been in....something I am pleased to have no memory of.
It's nice to have the good memories, not the sad ones.

Very sorry for your loss. I hope your son has nothing but fond memories of his grandad. x

spudmasher · 22/08/2008 15:16

My father died 4 weeks ago and my lovely DD age 9 wanted to go to the funeral. We said no and I am so glad. The shock of seeing the coffin, the difficult words during the service- some quite alarming - would have all been way too much. The children came to the do afterwards where they were a delight and really lightenened the atmosphere. Then later on that afternoon we took them to see the beautiful flowers on the grave and she was happy with that.

MissisBoot · 22/08/2008 15:25

Spudmasher - that sounds a lovely way to involve the children.

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 22/08/2008 15:35

I agree with others, I lost my grandparents within a month of each other recently and there were no children at the funeral.

The children in the family, and of family friends did come to the wake though.

I think it would not only be upsetting for the child but also hard for you and your DH. You may not feel free to let out your grief if you are with your DS.

RubyRioja · 22/08/2008 15:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

beansprout · 22/08/2008 15:53

I'm sorry for your loss.

My 8yo neice went to her mum's funeral last week. She had a pretty dress on, cried a bit, laughed a bit (thought it was especially funny when my 6mo ds2 burped in the middle of a minute's silence) and was very much part of things.

What I think is very important though is that if children go, they shouldn't be told that being "good" equates to not crying or showing any emotion. If they go, they should be allowed to have their feelings, the same as us.

Jux · 22/08/2008 16:30

Let him go.

DD(9) has been to quite a few funerals now (we're older parents anyway, a lot of dh's longer-term friends have 'lived the roll'n'roll life' and paid for it now, and quite of a few of my relatives are well into their 80s).

She has cried at funerals, usually because she has caught the atmosphere, but it hasn't done her any harm. The last funeral we were at was in January, of an elderly relative dd actually knew(!). It was quite a joyful occasion (though some people were grief stricken). DD was very sad, cried and spent the afternoon running round the garden playing with younger relatives.

IMO your son, having been very close to his grandfather, would benefit from attending the funeral. He will see others as sad as he is and know he is not alone. He will be able to say goodbye - even if he doesn't entirely understand now, he will later. He will also have an opportunity afterwards to comfort people, gain comfort, and also play. The sadness of the event will be experienced, but can be wrapped in a layer of joy/pleasure in you all being together. If other children are there, they will all play together afterwards and he will have fun, learning that sadness can still be followed by fun. Not a bad lesson, I think.

Sobernow · 22/08/2008 16:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

onlyjoking9329 · 23/08/2008 09:11

I would let him go but make sure you have a friend just for your DS so that they can take him out if you need to as it will be hard for you to deal with.

MaryAnnSingleton · 23/08/2008 09:17

for your loss shatteredmumsrus..fwiw I would let him go,but as OJ suggested someone there to maybe take him out if it's too much. It's a difficult call,though.
Can empathise entirely- FIL died this week,suddenly -he was elderly but not ill..ds is 11 and they were close,though didn't see him that often as we live a fair distance away, but they adored each other. Ds hasn't said much so far but seems to have processed it and sorted out things in his head. He is writing a poem about his grandad which we'll make into printed cards for the funeral...we felt it was too much for him to read out. Will think of you on Friday..FILs funeral is that day too..lots of love xxx

vio · 23/08/2008 17:30

Let him go. Death is a part of all our lives & agreed with Wickedwaterwitch said, Funerals are an important part of the grieving process.

Original poster
shatteredmumsrus · 23/08/2008 19:47

Oh my thoughts go out to your family MAS. Good luck for Friday ill post a note to you over the next weekend to see how it went. He s going but I spent allday looking for a black tie for a child - cannot find one!

OP posts:
PavlovtheCat · 23/08/2008 19:51

Firstly, I am sorry for your loss.
I think if he is sensible as you say, and caring, and understanding, he should go.

He will get a lot out of it, to help him with the greiving process. He will have the support from his family, and be able to support the family too, by being there.

He needs closure, especially as it was so sudden. This will be a good way to say goodbye to him.

But, as already said, you know your son better than anyone else. Trust your instincts.

He sounds like an adorable boy btw.

EachPeachPearMum · 23/08/2008 20:00

I am sorry for your loss.
I lost my GD at 7, and I went to his funeral- I'm glad I did, it gave me chance to say goodbye.

MaryAnnSingleton · 23/08/2008 21:52

I was thinking of a black tie too for ds (borrowed my dad's for dh). Ds has written a lovely thing for his grandad,think it was therapeutic..certainly helped us ! Will be thinking of your ds. My niece who is 21 is very anxious about the whole funeral thing since she hasn't been to any funerals, my dh too as he has only attended one.

MrsSnorty · 23/08/2008 22:06

Sorry to hear about this.
When my GF died my brother and I (both a bit older than your DS) didn't attend the funeral but went to the wake. Was quite strange as by the time we got there everyone had had a few drinks and seemed quite cheery - I couldn't figure it out at all. Would have made more sense to me if we'd gone to the funeral first.
Hope you feel ok with whatever decision you make.

WideWebWitch · 25/08/2008 08:02

Shatteredmum, I'm glad you made a decision and I hope it goes as well as these things can.

kerryk · 25/08/2008 08:06

i would also let him go, my gran died when my sister was 6 and she was not allowed to go, she is 22 now and it still bothers her.

Upwind · 25/08/2008 08:21

I think you've made the right decision. Funerals are family events and they do help everyone come to terms with the loss of a loved one.

MaryAnnSingleton · 31/08/2008 18:57

shatteredmumsrus - how was it ? how was ds - thought of you anyway.. our funeral was amazing and overwhelmingly emotional - I wept and wept..ds was very quiet and subdued throughout - think it was a lot to take in and seeing all his family weeping was unnerving..but I think he's glad he was part of it and got to say goodbye to his beloved grandad. We've talked about him a lot and picked his tomatoes and plums and watered his garden. It was odd staying in ILs house without him being there but we had a really nice few days and will look back on the funeral as a real expression of the love and esteem everyone had for him.

Original poster
shatteredmumsrus · 31/08/2008 19:47

Hi MaryAnn, it was a very hard and long day.It was hugely emotional. Son was mentioned in a eulogy and had a photo on the service sheet of the 2 of them together. He sobbed the through the whole service and was uncontrollable at the graveside. He threw a rose ontop of the coffin and said goodbye. Still glad he went. Glad yours went well too,
xxx

OP posts: