My mum died, feel so alone

[Lookingfortheanswers]

My mum died unexpectedly and tragically whilst under general anaesthetic during hip replacement surgery 2 months ago (femoral artery drilled into and only identified once her organs were failing).

She was just 60 years old. She was a brilliant mum to us three children and her four grandchildren, they all adored her. My two eldest children are in school, thirdborn is home educated so here with me, along with my 1 year old.

My home educated 8 year old spent half her time with my mum by choice- they had such a close relationship and it was home from home for her.

My brothers are only 24 and 16 and prefer to keep busy and not talk about our mum, which I respect but worry about. For now, I am a SAHM but feel like I’m drowning with running our home, educating our 8 yr old, caring for our baby, being present for my husband and other children, and being there for my brothers.

My brothers are in the home they both lived in with mum but are not as domesticated as she was, so I keep going in to help with laundry and cook them meals etc, but it’s a 2 hour round trip and it’s exhausting. We have no family and my dad died a long time ago, theirs is not present.

My husband is quite old school (hence being happy with me being a housewife and this works for us) in his beliefs and comes across as thinking my brothers need to ‘man up’. They are just lost little boys, drowning in grief, living in the home where their mum has always been. My husband is a good, hard-working man and will help around the house loads, but it’s only now becoming clear how little emotional intelligence he has. Well it’s been noticeable for years, but only now is it driving a wedge between us. He has no interest in helping me support my brothers and no understanding of how very sad it all is, for me, our children and my brothers. He had a lovely relationship with my mum too- they respected each other and he enjoyed having her around because his own family live overseas, but seems to have accepted the tragedy very quickly.

I just feel overwhelmed and miss her so very much on my own behalf and everyone else’s. I keep reading that time helps, but I don’t feel like it can. We sent each other voice notes and chatted every single day. We holidayed together every half term (just humble caravan holidays or UK city breaks usually, but we loved it). She would order surprise food shops for us, send the kids ‘well done’ treats for good school reports and was just always there for us all. I know I need to be strong for my children but it’s so hard.

I am so very sorry for your loss OP. Sudden, unexpected loss is such a shock and so difficult to bear. Only two months ago too - so no time at all really.

Your mum was obviously a very special lady. Do you have anyone - a friend or aunt perhaps who you can talk to and lean on right now?

Sending you a big hug. I cannot imagine how painful this is for you emotionally but you are also dealing with some major practicalities. It is bound to feel overwhelming. Allow yourself to grieve and do what you can for others but focus on yourself and your needs. This helps keep it all on track. I think as women we get called upon for everything and sometimes it hard to put the focus back on our own well-being in the most difficult times of life. We all only get one mum and yours sounds like she was very special. Allow yourself all the time it takes to grieve and celebrate who she was for you all. I do lots of things in my mums name since she died, continuing her memory and offering kindness into the world and that helps.

I'm so sorry about your mum's death. That's a tragedy for all of you.

There's no need for you to go over to do cooking and washing for your brothers.

Oh OP, my heart is breaking for you. You've lost your irreplaceable mum, and the whole burden of the family grief is falling on you. I think that you need to show him what you have written here and tell him 'Look, this is what life is like for me and my brothers. We have lost our mother, we're all lost and clinging to each other, I need to be able to lean on you and know you're there before I break under the weight of it all.' Grief is a hard, hard road to walk, and it's ten times worse when the person you want to be at your back uses phrases like 'man up' to two young men in a home surrounded by memories of who they have lost.

I'm sorry, I can't think of anything practical right now. You DM sounds lovely and your brothers are so lucky to have you caring for them.

Time does heal, OP but quite a long time, in reality and in my experience. I lost my mum in her early 60's, 2 years after my dad had died (suddenly and unexpectedly). Their grandchildren were all younger than 5.

You just have to keep going, keep breathing. I found Christmas really hard for quite a few years but obviously made it lovely for us all. I would say that it took me 10 years to really start to find genuine happiness again. But, in that time, we did have lots of nice times, holidays etc. and made great memories. There is an expression that says something like 'do it scared, do it sad etc.' and that is what you must do.

I would keep visiting your brothers as much as you are able to (without exhausting yourself); they are young and need family around them at this time. Might they consider moving closer to your family? Could you go and stay overnight sometimes, with your children, maybe?

It's very hard for the spouse and I know my (now ex) husband struggled, although he was incredible at looking after me and my family and our children. I did fall into depression and needed medication for a while. But the best therapies were physical exercise and needlework. I decided early on the live my life in honour of my parents. I still ask them if and when I need help with decisions. My dad always taught me to get back up when you feel down or experience a blow in life, so I always kept that in mind.

It's been 15 years now and my children are now young adults. I see a lot of my mum in my eldest son and I feel like I have her back with me when I see those glimpses of her in him. 💐

I’m so sorry, how devastating for all of you. Your brothers must be so lost and of course you want to support them. I hope you can get your husband to be more emotionally supportive and understanding.

Bless you. Sending love 💐

It may not be that your husband has little emotional intelligence it’s possibly that he doesn’t know how to manage these big emotions so withdraws.
Would it be possible for your brothers to get a cleaner? With a house, baby and child it’s not really reasonable that you are doing this 2 hour round trip. Plus time there.
They can batch cook/get a slow cooker or maybe unfortunately for a period you need to lower your expectations of what they can do.
Are social services involved because of the 16 year old?
Sometimes with husbands it can be easier to come up with a practical plan.
It sounds really hard for you and you are shouldering a lot of the burdens.

I'm so very very sorry you lost your lovely Mum OP.

I can absolutely sympathise as I lost mine suddenly in similar circumstances a few years ago. Routine kidney stones operation that led to sepsis and killed her. All happened very quickly.

I did what you did and was trying to juggle so much. Dealing with my own huge grief while looking after my distraught Dad and brother (who had a history of depression) and trying to keep them afloat, as well as managing the grief of my two daughters.

I did it because I wanted to, but also because its just what families do in times like this and I know Mum always called me 'the strong one' so I felt it was expected of me.

My DH was supportive but I just don't think that some men 'get it' and don't know how to deal with these things so they shut down a bit and kind of ignore it which is the opposite of what we want them to do.

I felt very alone at times. Unable to share my grief with those also grieving because I didn't want to bring them down further.

Grief support groups were amazing for me and helped me to offload and get the support I so badly needed for my own grief and situation.

I eventually also had some grief counselling which was excellent and my counsellor was amazing and helped me process my feelings, feel normal and work on a way forward.

So sorry for your loss. Your Mum sounds as lovely as mine was. ❤

I am so sorry. Losing your mother is a huge thing and knocks people for six at any age but it's even worse in the circumstances your describe.
Your younger brother is still technically a child does he and your other brother have any other support are social services or his school involved?
And just as important do you have anyone you can talk to? If you don't have anyone the Samaritans are always there to listen. Sometimes just talking things through can help.

I'm sorry I don't have any practical support but
you can't carry the whole load by yourself. Your husband isn't helping saying your brothers need to man up. Have you spoken to him about how that makes you feel?

Just wanted to quickly say thank you for these lovely, supportive replies. There is some very insightful advice in them and I really appreciate it. I’m sorry to those of you that also know this pain and find it comforting to hear how you got / get through it.

This is so sad, I’m so sorry. What a terrible thing to happen when she was so young and so loved and still needed by her family.

i can see both your and your husbands sides. I’m sure he’s just worried about how thin you are spreading yourself with all your commitments and fundamentally although he could have put it better your brothers are going to need to become more self sufficient. But equally you are right that bet are just young and grieving. Please be as kind to yourself as you can and take care

That's so tough for you all. Death is always worse for families left behind when it is sudden and unexpected. It must be dreadful for your 16 year old brother too. He's so young to lose his Mum. Take your time to grieve your Mum and carry on supporting your brothers. Your DH needs to show some empathy. 💐

My mother died unexpectedly and it was the worst loss in my life . My father felt it immediately as I am sure your brothers do too as she was an everyday presence in their lives . It's very early days yet for your brothers to learn all the tasks that your mother did for them . It does take time . I was lucky that I lived near my father . The one thing he struggled with was cooking as she always did it . We managed to sort that out between my sister and I . The first time I saw him in a supermarket trying to buy his shopping I cried my eyes out . But he gradually learned to cope and go on with life . In my case , he died 18 months later just as he was thriving on his own .
Your DH needs to be reminded how big a loss this is emotionally and physically too . He may not understand how deeply you feel if he has never experienced it himself .

I am
so very sorry for your loss OP, but gently, your brothers are old enough to do their own cooking and laundry and you definitely need to prioritise your own children at this sad time.
I appreciate they are struggling but cooking and laundry are not hard and they ought to do it, especially if they live 2 hours away.

Couls now be the time for 8 yo to go back to school? This would ease the load on you also.

Can your husband take some of the load off you? You can't do everything, can he do some practical stuff to help, and can you reduce your workload too, eg pause the home ed for a while.
Could you end up being your 16 yo brother's guardian as he's not yet an adult? Do the brothers need to move closer to you ultimately, or vice versa? It's a huge shock and you're expecting too much of yourself taking care of everyone at home as if nothing has changed. Your husband needs to see that.

So much of this resonates with me. My DF was left behind when my Mum died suddenly and he just seemed so sad, and so lost. Mum did all the practical stuff at home so he had to be shown things like using the washing machine and, like you, doing his own shopping, he was just a bit confused by it all. It was so sad to see him trying to move through his life without her and it was so hard trying to deal with this, and support him, as well as dealing with my own grief and trying to support my daughters through losing their Nanny.

My own father just existed without her, and although he did occasionally smile again, there was always this air of sadness around him and he was never the same again. He also passed away not too long after she did.