Overwhelming sadness for “the one left behind”

[annmarlou]

My dad passed away last week after being diagnosed with stage four cancer 6 weeks ago. I think we knew something wasn’t right for a while but he wouldn’t see a doctor and when he finally did it was too late.

The diagnosis wasn’t a surprise. He smoked, drank and didn’t look after himself so I think we always had a feeling that something like this was inevitable but it was still so sad to see him deteriorate and we are all sad and shocked that he has actually gone. It all feels very final now.

I’m experiencing all the usual feelings of grief. I have two small children (youngest only a few months) so they keep me busy and I have to keep going for them. I remember losing grandparents and the feeling of losing my dad is similar, I guess just more intense.

The feeling that’s caught me off guard is the overwhelming sadness I feel for my mum. They were together for 50 years and she was as a very traditional wife that “looked after him”. She is very close with me and my sister and a very involved grandmother but I just can’t imagine how much of an adjustment this will be for her after all this time.

She’s 67 and only recently retired. I don’t think she will ever want another partner. She has a friend she meets once a month and sees my sister and me weekly but she will still have so much time on her hands. They didn’t necessarily do a lot together but they pottered along beside eachother and I think that is what she will miss. I worry she will never be truly happy again and that’s breaking my heart more than anything.

I'm still at a bit of a crossroads, several years after being widowed. But getting out for your mum as much as possible is important, make sure she takes up every invitation she gets. I also moved house within a year of my husband's death, and it's good to be in a place where there aren't memories in every room. I was widowed shortly after retirement, and I still grieve the time we didn't get, so I fully sympathise.

I feel you OP and could have written the exact same thing about my mum and dad, he died 4 y ago and seeing how it has left Mum has broken me since- she is just not the same person and it has taken a long time for me to accept that

I do my absolute best to look out for Mum but I l know it is not the same for her without Dad - I took so much on trying to compensate for him not being here and its impossible so make sure you are looking after yourself, definitely encourage her social interactions, I always tell mum to be her own cheerleader and praise her when is doing things she finds difficult and without sounding harsh pace yourself as your Mum is still young xx

I'm sorry for your loss OP.
I completely understand your sadness about different life will be for your mum now. I'm glad that you and your sister are close with her, are you also close geographically? (More time with the grandchildren possible if she wants?)

@pol123417I think this is what’s killing me. I knew I was losing my dad but it’s now dawning on me that my mum might never be the same

@MCF86Im about a 40 minute drive from her. We speak everyday and usually see eachother twice a week. I would be happy to see her more, especially while I’m on maternity leave. I feel a horrible guilt that I’m the one in the busy family home and she’s on her own - she is a very family oriented person.

My mum was the same OP, been with my dad since they were 15 & 16 so when he died aged 75, I worried for her. Obviously I was coping with my own grief but having a family means you're kept busy and you have to kind of put on a front for the kids. Luckily my mum did have friends and she made an effort to keep busy but I think the evenings were hard being on her own. I didn't push her but after a couple of years she decided to move to be near me and my sister so we found her a little house round the corner from me. The upheaval of moving from our family home to a much smaller place and having to get rid of a lot of stuff was very hard on her and she misses her big beautiful garden but the truth is the bigger house and garden had got too much for her. Now we can pop in all the time and her grandchildren pop in for a cuppa and see her, this makes her really happy 😊

I'd say give your mum time but encourage her to join a hobby group or social group or volunteer, just to get out and meet people. Maybe in time she might like to think about moving nearer you?

Your dad's death was so sudden. I'm so sorry. She's not old at 67 but will be in shock. I lost my husband to cancer when I was 48, he was 50. He'd been ill 12 years so I was somewhat prepared. I had a few dark years but came out the other side. I think keeping her social calendar going and doing as many things as possible independently is important. Obviously still early days. I actually feel for my children more as they were teenagers and they haven't been able to share their achievements with him. It never leaves you but you do "learn to live beside it" I'm 15 years down the line now and remarried but obviously I was a lot younger than your mum.