Another funeral so soon

[ThatPinkOrca]

2 months ago we lost my younger brother (suicide) my mother and I were principal mourners. Now my elderly paternal aunt has died and we are expected to attend her funeral. I am determined to attend to pay my last respects. My cousin however has requested that I accompany her in the funeral car following the hearse. This I find a very difficult request. I will be unable to do this for my own mental health so soon after my db. I am racked with guilt in this but I believe I should abstain for myself.
My elderly mother I don’t feel should attend at all so soon as the grief is still so raw I am in the process of gaining counselling for her.
Not really sure what I’m asking here just needed to put it down, if you have advice thank you

Hi OP.

We're so sorry.
Just giving this a bump for you in hopes of you getting some support soon.

I'm so sorry for your losses, OP. I lost my sister last year and I would have found attending another funeral so soon afterwards incredibly difficult. In fact, I think I'd still struggle now, and probably will for the foreseeable future. I really don't know.

I completely agree that attending would be too much for your mum but I also understand why you want to go and pay your respects and commend you for finding the strength to do so.

I would just be honest with your cousin and explain that, although you desperately want to attend the funeral, travelling in the funeral car would be too much for you emotionally, especially so soon after losing your brother. I think that's completely understandable and you shouldn't feel guilty for knowing your own limits. You're still in the depths of grief and you need to look after yourself. 💐

I had to attend another funeral 8 weeks after losing my dad. It was so much harder than I thought it would be.

I think the funeral car would be too much to be honest, and I am sure your cousin would understand.

Even if you just attend the funeral, be kind to yourself and sit at the back at the end of an isle so you can quietly withdraw if you need to.

I lost ds 2 years ago and havent attended another funeral since. I dontbthink I ever will and you should not feel obliged to do something you dont want to. Death by suicide is a horrific situation and so difficult to process.

Going against the grain here. Refuse the car, but go to the funeral. If p/aunt had died first, how would you feel if your family didn't attend your younger brother's funeral because it was 'too soon'.

my DH died by suicide; I'm not being heartless, just realistic

I’m so, so sorry for both of your losses OP, it must be incredibly hard. You mention grief counselling. Have you managed to look into this for yourself too?

Do whatever you're comfortable with OP, without worrying about what others think. You know best what you're able to cope with.

I've had to attend funerals close together several times unfortunately. Just seems to work out that way in my family. I had to attend funerals on consecutive days a few years ago, one of which was for a child. That took some getting over. Then my uncle and my mum's funerals within a month of each other. Then my dad and my aunty's funerals the same week. I coped at the time but I'm not sure if I'd be able to now.

I can't add much to the previous posts OP, only to extend to you my sincere condolences, and also my respect for your determination to attend your aunt's funeral so soon after your DB's. I agree with your feelings that you should not ride in the car, and also to sit at the back, end row, in case you become overwhelmed. All the best OP, xx💐

I am so sorry for your losses. I'd say definitely don't go in the funeral car, my reasoning being that I think you should wait and see how you feel on the day, with the funeral car you'll lose the option to come and go depending on how you feel.

Likewise your mother, if it's fairly near by she might decide on the day that she'd like to go to pay her respects and to see friends and family together again,

If you are my cousin, a) I can't believe we are having this discussion here; b) there was no expectation of anything and I thought it unlikely your mother would be able to attend; and c) there was no request, merely an offer, because it was correct etiquette and it is normal to offer spaces to family. It fully occurred to me that it may be too much for you to follow behind a hearse.

I am truly sorry you are struggling. I am sorry if you felt obligated to me. I came here to see if there were any past threads about what it is like to feel you have lost all of your family and how a person is meant to cope with that on top of the grief of losing your mum and your beautiful cousin who believed so much in family. Instead, I found this and I saw your post about mental health awareness and reaching out to family and it is all too much for me now.

I always put my feelings last and try to do right by others. I don't always get it right, but I try. But this is all too much and perhaps it is better you don't come. This is taking away from mum and causing me unbearable stress.

I'm sorry for your losses OP. If it is too much for you right now, I think your family would understand that you can't go to the funeral at all, let alone ride in the funeral car. It's been several years for me since a close loss and i still haven't been able to go to a funeral. I explain this to people as I expect anyone with any empathy will be able to understand. If it's too much, give your apologies. I'm sure everyone will understand. If they don't, I'd let it be their problem.

I'm sorry for your pain and loss too. This may not be your cousin as it's a more common situation than it should be. You sound very understanding at a difficult time.