Husband's Prolong complicated grief? High functioning depression?

[mende2010]

Husband's Prolong complicated grief? High functioning depression? Does this sound like a high functioning depression man? I can't get my husband to grief therapy.

I'm 16 years together, 14 years married to my husband. Sorry, English is my third language.

For the last 7 years, I think he is high-functioning depression, is there such thing as functionally depressed? The whole timeline of everything that happen I have reasons to believe he is functionally depressed.

His older sister died from car accident, leave him as the only son take on the financial care for his sick aging parents.

Fast forward, in 2019, his father died of end stage pancreatic cancer.

- The same year in 2019, our toddler died (the child of me and my husband). Our toddler died of Periventricular Heterotopia (PVNH). It is gene inherited (got it from me the mother the maternal side), congenital brain malformation.

It been 7 years since our toddler gone and my husband just can't let go. Our toddler ashes my husband keeps with him. Even our toddler DIRTY SHOES and dirty clothes my husband still held on to.

- In 2020, I was very sick (autoimmune disease) I was bedridden for a month with oxygen tank in my nose 24/7. He took off work and care for me day and night. He even sleep with a pillow and a blanket on the carpet right by my bedside (we had a hospital bed in our bedroom after I got discharged).

He said he loves me very much, and he very afraid of lose me. This was the first time I see him cut himself.

This was when he started to cut his stomach with a kitchen knife, he said stomach skin is thinner and has more nerves so it hurts more, so he chose to slice his stomach, he cuts deep the point bleeding that he has bandage wrap around his waist bleed.
And that was how I first time found out about he cut himself too was I saw the bloody bandage wrap around his waist when he took his shirt off.

He still has all the scars on his stomach from he slice his stomach with the kitchen knife. He said if I die before him, he will die with me, and our toddler (whom already dead).

He even prepaid for his funeral arrangement, I said I want cremation (as I'm Buddhist), he wants cremation with me, he told the funeral director when he die, cremate him, and mix his ashes with me and our toddler together, and scatter our ashes.

He said if I die before him, ONE second of grief is enough for him to pull the trigger blow his brain out with the tactical 12 gauge shotgun. I take him seriously because if he can slice his stomach to blood, he can use a shotgun in one second of grief like he said.

--- In 2021, his mom has a spinal cord stroke that leave her quadriplegia paralyze, she also kidney disease/kidney failure. She also has alot of heart problems: heart aortic stenosis, heart aortic aneurysm, and cardiac arrhythmias.

His mom 5 days out of a week is she in and out of the hospital for treatments to keep her alive. And my husband for the last 5 years (and still ongoing) has been financially care for his mom, doing everything he can financially to prolong her life.

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All this are reasons I believe he has depression, but he seems to function fine outside, as in lives a normal life.

He is an Executive at a big engineering corporate. He said this job salary gives him cushion in money to continue prolong his mother life. He knows this job salary is what prolong his mother life, even with him depress, his career has to go on. His mother depends on his money to continue treatments, he also pays for her Private Nursing Home too.

Monday through Friday after work he drive straight to the Nursing Home to visit his mom before came home. On weekends for one day (Sat or Sun) he bring his mom our marital home so he can care for her, so they have mother and son time. And then take her back to her Nursing Home as he has to work Monday.

He still does his hobbies, hunting deer, outdoor shooting range with his tactical shotguns and riffles, running long distance.

I have told him to go to grief counseling, he put it off, he said after his mom die, as right now he busy. I mean he is busy, his schedules is pack, between his Executive work, his mom, and me. He has no time left.

He keeps said after his mom pass he will go. But wait till after his mom pass, that will add in another death and grief and loss in his list of losses. I want him to go now, but he not want to.

I'm very sorry, this all sounds very hard.

did he get any psychiatric or psychological help after the self harm and cutting himself? It sounds like something is very wrong, but this is not easy to fix if he does not want to engage with help.

have you recovered from your auto-immune disease? what do you want to have happen next, both for you and for your DH?

I'm guessing from language and mention of guns etc that you are not in the UK. are there cultural factors that make it hard for your DH to seek help?

This is so so so hard, but for both of you. I am so sorry to hear about your child✨. There is nothing worse in life. I hope you could also get some support? Counselling can be very helpful. It is also hard for you to see your husband having to deal with so much. Sending so much love to you both and I hope you both can get some good support. ♥️♥️♥️

Your husband almost certainly has complex grief - that is a huge amount to deal with in a short space of time. You have both lost a child (sorry for your loss as that is heartbreaking). That is enough for anyone to deal with but on top of that he has

*lost a sibling in an unexpected and shocking way. That is doubly traumatic - the shock, a younger life unexpectedly cut short and the loss of a sibling who is the only person who has shared your upbringing.

*lost his father. The death of a parent is a huge thing and one of life's great traumatic events for most people.

*faced your illness and probably was frightened he might lose you too

*become a carer (driving to the caring home every night and weekend caring) and the pressure that involves

*probably having anticipatory grief about the death of his mother

I wouldn't be even thinking something like "its been 7 years since our toddler gone and my husband just can't let go", in the context here I think that is perfectly normal to still be feeling like that 7 years later with the other events he's dealing with. Grief isn't something you 'get over' anyway; it will sit with you for life. I've been in a caring/anticipatory grief/several bereavements at the same time situation and the mental pressure and strain it puts you under is horrific. it's common to get burn out if caring for elderly parents and burnout makes you feel like you are going crazy.

The self harming is a serious worry and he definitely needs some psychiatric support of some kind.

I don't know about grief counselling right now which I have had and I found really helpful. I would speak to a grief counsellor/take advice from Cruse about what they think about the timing. He definitely would benefit from grief counselling but he may be right that if he is in the middle of caring stress, now might not help him - but I don't know - you'd need advice about it. The thing is that to benefit from counselling you need to be able to discuss the situation and also be willing to engage with it -that's why they won't take you if the death is too recent. You need a bit of distance and to be able to mentally engage with it.

One option could be to get him to take a break just for one weekend so he can get a bit of distance, rest fully and properly and sleep. A change of environment can be very helpful if you can persuade him. It won't solve the problems he has (one of the problems with bereavement is that it is permanent) but it may help with lessening the burnout and pressure briefly enough for him to be able to seriously review whether having counselling or some kind of psychiatric support could help.

I would definitely contact Cruse or a bereavement counsellor for advice about his particular situation given the amount of grief he must be carrying and his fear of his mothers death to see if they think now would benefit him. Then if they do think so, you can then try to persuade him but if not, park it for now. He should speak to his GP as well about the self harming anyway.

I'm so sorry both you and he are going through this. Life can really feel like it is crushing you when you are in the middle of these things.

Hi Mrs ItsAll, this is so helpful, your words is so soothing, reading it helps alot. Thank you so much for your kind words.

I think it amazing how he burning the candle at both ends for himself in the last 5 years straight, and still doing it.

When there a will there a way, when you have the filial piety determination to prolong your mother life, you find a way, both financially and emotional and physically. He knows his career has go to on, his mother life is depending on his money to pay for her medical care to continue to keep her alive.

5 years ago, his mother has a spinal cord stroke that leave her quadriplegia paralyze. He has been paying 182K a year for her Private Nursing Home, where she has her own private room, doctor on site, and nurses care take turn to care for her round the clock 24/7.

For 5 years, he also has been paying for her treatments to prolong her life, which she in and out of the hospital for treatments 5 times a week (Dialysis, and multiple heart issues). He also paying for her hospital bills, which she has been in and out of the hospital 4 times already this 2026 year alone.

It not just her Private Nursing Home cost (which the luxury of his mom own private room, and doctor on site and nurses care for her 24/7, he pays Out of pocket).
.......
But it her medical cost too, medical cost that insurance not pay, like those deductibles, copays, coinsurance, out of pocket specialists and treatments, etc.. Everytime she in the hospital, we pay out of pocket about 30%, insurance pay 70%.
And hospital bills are expensive.

He just have alot of his plates, and responsibility. Because she 84 and end stage kidney failure, her time is limited.
That is why Monday through Friday he has her in the Nursing Home. And on weekend he bring her to our martial home to care for her, and then Sunday night he takes her back to her Nursing Home. As he work Monday.

He not want to go to therapy, I do not know how to get him to go. He said he go after his mom pass.

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Sorry English is my third language, so maybe my I wrote in the wrong tense about him slice his stomach. That was back in 2020 when I was sick and bedridden, and he was so afraid of lose me.

He has not cut his stomach anymore since 2020, since it been 5 years, now it just a stomach full of scars.

He said he will not die, because he still want to grow old with me. He said he wants to live with me till we 80s, as long as I don't go before him.

As for his funeral plan, if I die before him, he will follow me to the other side, so me him and our toddler will reunited,

He never said he wants to die now, he still want to live happily with me and want us to grow old together.

We have plans after he fulfill his filial duty to his mother, after his mom time come and pass, we will go live the life of the two of us. As after his mom die, he not have any other blood immediate family left, except me his wife.

He does love me alot, maybe I should use that as my leverage, maybe I should start sobbing profusely while hug him, while sob and ask him to go, I mean I haven't try that. So far nothing work he not budge on the therapy.

Sir/Mrs, what odd is he actually live a normal life. His daily living is very normal.

I just think he very very tired emotionally and mentally for the last 7 years, he just very tired. He did say, I'm the reason why he still want to live because he still want to grow old with me. He promise me he won't let anything happen to him, because he still want to grow old with me.

He does love me alot. Back in 2020, I was very sick, I was bedridden so I defecate on myself and vomit too, but my husband clean and wipes me, and care for me. He sleep with a pillow on the carpet floor in our bedroom just so he can be close to me.
We had a hospital bed send home but only fit one person. So he sleep on the carpet floor right next to my bedside.

He nurse me back to health. I remember when I woke up in the middle of the night I saw him sleep with a pillow on the carpet right next to my bedside. I told him to go to our martial bed and sleep, but he said No, he said he wants to be close to me, not just only care for me but he wants to feel closer to me too.

I never forget that one month of his care. And without him I wouldn't recover. And that was the time that he started cutting his stomach too, was when I was sick.

I do want him to live healthy so we can grow old together. He said he will, that for me he will.

He has NOT slice his stomach with a knife anymore because I have been healthy, so he not have the trigger to cut himself anymore, I was his trigger.

He seems fine, he lives a normal life actually, go to work and after work drive to his mom Private Nursing Home to visit her a bit, and then drive home to me. He still dotes on me outside of bed. We still has sex regularly.

He said he is fine, and he promise me he won't let anything happen to him because he has me.

He really not want to go to therapy for the time being, it seems like he content with his life as is. Be a filial son to his mom, a faithful husband to me. And he has an awesome career too, Executive at a big engineering corporate.

So what do I do Sir? Keep pushing for therapy? Or just wait till he cut his stomach again? He said he won't, but then I am healthy that why he not cut, but if I get sick again I do not know if he going to relapse on cutting.

I’m so sorry, I can’t imagine dealing with half of that. He definitely needs help especially as self harming. I really hope that you both can get the support you need

I would not push him on the counseling right now. It is not for everyone, and he has enough demands on him. It honestly sounds as though right now he is coping remarkably well, given everything he has on his plate.

It may well be that he is depressed, but to be honest with everything that he has gone through it would be surprising if he wasn't. I think right now the only thing you can do is accompany him until his mother passes, and then try as you have said to build a more positive life together, to begin the healing process. It will take time, and the grief will never go away, but over time the two of you can make day to day life a positive and joyful thing again.

Thank you Mrs. Catherine, I think I should let him go at his pace.

He grief our toddler before our toddler even born. As we know our baby condition in my third trimester scan, we was told our baby would not live pass 2 years old. But my husband said whether it 2 days, 2 months or 2 years, he still wants our child.
We carried to term and welcome our baby, despite we know the neurologists told us our baby will not live pass age 2

I remembered he he was handsew baby bibs for our baby and he cried while handsew, the baby was still in my belly 3rd trimester. He already grief then as he knows our baby won't live pass 2 years old.

I gave birth, and during our toddler short life. At 4 months old he already have epileptic seizures, not just that but breathing difficulty.
He born February 2018, died August 2019, when he 1.5 years old.

As our child brain condition progress he had more and more seizures episodes, the whole 1.5 years of him alive we were in and out of he hospital with him.
......
At the hospital we told him he will get better and we take him home and he can eat alot of vanilla pudding, he nodded and even giggles (he loves vanilla pudding), that was the last time he he had conscious look at us his parents.
That night he went into a coma, and a week later he just stop breathing while in a coma, he was just 1.5 years old.

I do not know if a toddler while in a coma can still dream, he probably had a sweet dream of go home to his bed and eat all the vanilla pudding he wants, he sick the whole time of his life he didn't eat much but he loves pudding.

I never see my husband in so much pain. I know my husband heart died that day with our child 7 years ago (that same year his father died too).

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It like anything of our child trigger my husband, something simple as Vanilla pudding trigger my husband.
When our toddler was alive, our toddler really like the cold vanilla pudding, he often sick and in and out of hospital, but whenever he eat those vanilla pudding, he has this giggles laughters so so cute and loud that it light up the whole room.

Last time at dinner table, and I actually was eating that vanilla pudding so I put a spoon in my husband mouth. And just something small like that but it remind him of our toddler. My husband literally break down cry right there, he bawled. I don't mean just tear up, full on cry, bawling.

It been 7 years and my that our toddler gone, my husband still keep our toddler room exactly as is, even our toddler dirty shoes and dirty clothes he still keep. The only difference is in the room is our toddler ashes now, instead of our toddler.

In the 7 years span since our toddler gone, we moved 2 times, one was due to his work, and one was when we bought a new house. I thought that was a chance for us to box our toddler stuff up, and leave it in boxes. But Nope with my husband.

Both times we moved, as soon as we unboxing in our new home, my husband set a room for our toddler EXACTLY just like our toddler room back then in our old marital home. He put everything of our toddler back EXACTLY where as was. Our toddler dirty shoes still right where his bed was. His clothes, toys, bed, nightstands, everything still there exactly as was.

Basically he still remake the room for our toddler in our new home. 7 years long, BOTH times of our move, my husband STILL making a room for our son (whom deceased), especially even after moving in a brand new house. Perhaps he stuck in the loop of grief?

Is he stuck in grief? We talking about move into a new home, but he still unbox and remake the room for our toddler, with our toddler ashes in the room, and everything still setup as when our toddler was still alive.

That's not a room, that's a tomb.

Thank you for sharing your lovely memories of your child. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Different people grieve in different ways. Your husband has had an inordinate amount of loss. Perhaps keeping your child's room as it was is his way of feeling he can hold on to him a little bit.

Your memories of your son and his giggles lighting up the atmosphere are lovely. Thank you for telling us.

How do you feel about the room in memory of your child? This is your loss too.

If you can cope with it, for the time being, I wouldn't worry about it. People do all kinds of things that look irrational to help them cope with grief and as per my post above, that's a long list of things he is dealing with. Anything that helps him cope in this time, isn't something to cause a fight about. Speaking from my own experience, when you are deep into multiple bereavements and caring, it is a huge weight to deal with and you don't have any capacity for managing any other kind of 'dispute'. It's like a form of constant severe stress. To put it another way, you sort of feel like you are on the edge of a breakdown all the time.

The slightest additional problem - like a dispute with the bank or about the electricity bill - can feel like a world crisis that will tip you over the edge - because you have no real ability to cope with anything more. It's probably why he reacts that way to the vanilla pudding.

On the other hand, if the room causes you serious distress yourself, then it maybe it is something you need to address but tread lightly with him. I think right now, if you can cope with it, I'd leave it.

It's like getting rid of clothes of a deceased loved one, some people do it straight away because they don't want to be reminded. Some people will be fine to deal with it after a few months. Some people it will take years but most people will deal with it when they are ready. If there is no pressure to force it right now, then he'll be ready eventually. It is likely the multiple events after the loss of your child means he hasn't processed that loss properly - but like I said, now might not be the right time.

Your husband sounds amazing in terms of the commitment he has to ensuring his mother is looked after. That is a really special, loving person. Many children will do the bare minimum and put a parent in a home without a backward glance. He is obviously kind, caring and a devoted son.

When you say "he also has been paying for her treatments to prolong her life", that sounds like it carries a bit of judgment and criticism. It's the word 'prolong' which sort of suggests it is unreasonable and dragging out her life when otherwise she would die. That he should just stop the caring and let her die. I may have misunderstood and this could be as you say a second/third language issue. Obviously none of us here know enough about the situation to say whether this is right or not but I would encourage you to look at it as him trying his best to ensure his mother is comfortable and cared for rather than an unnecessary prolonging. Generally, if treatments in the very elderly or very sick are totally unwarranted (the strain on the body vs the actual life benefits), doctors won't do them or strongly advise against them such as when chemotherapy can't be tolerated.

Your husband obviously does need support but whether he is right that he should wait for his mother to die and he can't deal with it now, none of us here can say. I think it needs a professional opinion.

He sounds like an exceptionally caring person who has been through an horrific time. You also obviously care for him too and have your own grief. I sincerely wish both of you well for your future.

I am sorry for all you and your husband have been through. Have you had/do you go to therapy?
While I understand why you want your husband to go, you can’t force him. It only works if he wants to be there and engage with the process. In the long term therapy can be very helpful, while you’re doing it everything gets stirred up; it can be difficult; sometimes gets worse before it gets better.
It sounds like he knows he will benefit from grief work, but also knows he doesn’t have the capacity for it at the moment.
You can’t fix him, only support him. And maybe look at how you are feeling and what you might gain from talking to someone.

Thank you Sir Mrs, I don't know if you a Sir or a Mrs, but I wouldn't be surprise if you a man, seem like you understand my husband.

I am fine with my husband recreate the room of our toddler, I take the overly emotions man him, than a man who show no emotions.

My husband is more physical than me for sure, he needs our child's ashes next to him, recreate our child room even with multiple moves to brand new homes. That is physical. It express outward.

I on the other hand I replaying the death of our child over and over in my head over and over. I'm more tune inward than him. I express too but inward.

I rationalize things, I keep it in my heart. He on the other hand live it out, he has no problem with show his emotions. While I struggle, it not that I don't have emotions, it that I don't shows it outward.

I do have bad anxiety, anxiety makes your brain loop on thoughts, which can lead to repeating yourself and venting as you try to find relief. And I spiral as I wrote that post in my OP.

Thank you for your supportive words.

Hi Sir,

Regarding his mom, sorry English is my 3rd language.

I fully support my husband take care of his mom financially, filial piety is very important in my Chinese culture, I understand this more than anyone as I'm Chinese myself.

He can give all his salary to his mom medical treatments, anything to keep her alive, I not care about money.
What I care about is he split his time alot to his mom in the last 5 years, and the wife me step behind the background as I know he puts his mom as #1 right now. It is what it is, I accepted it.

His mom is paralyze all 4 limbs since her spinal cord stroke, but she is still very clear minded and able to speak clearly.

His mom is deadly afraid of die, she has express her wishes to the doctors and that prolong her life at all cost, even if she has to be on life support machines medical intervention, she STILL want to be alive.

Me and my husband respected that, and we both 100% agreed that if that come the case where his mom has to be on life support machine. We refused to pull the plug, she will continue be on medical interventions, we will not pull any plug, period.
We will do everything we can financially to prolong her life, period.

Let just let Fate decide, his mom can die from a heart attack, another stroke, or even her kidney failure complications. There no guarantee she be on life support machines. Nobody know the future. If that become the case, then we will respectfully follow her Healthcare directive wishes that she state in there.

I do have a problem in my marriage that I would like to hear your wise insight Sir. It something that I been struggling with. We both love each others so much and both sacrifice for each others, but he stubborn.

So after my parents died I got a big inheritance. I want to use some of my inheritance to help with his mom medical cost. My husband not only flat out rejected my offer repeatedly. He said his salary is enough for care for his mom.

And he wants to keep my inheritance intact, so if there anything happen to him, I have my inheritance to take care of me for the rest of my life.

I mean I understand that, he thinks of me.

Problem is he wants nothing to do with my inheritance. He force me to put my brother name as the "beneficiary" on the Trusts, so if I die before him--the husband him won't get a penny. As all my inheritance after my death will go straight to my brother as he is the ONLY beneficiary name on there.

We not have kids so my husband is my next of kin, but he not want my inheritance. He FORCE me to put my brother name as the only name as the Beneficiary to my Trusts. He see that as my inheritance will go back to my brother, back to my Chinese family.

I understand my husband love me, but I really want to use my inheritance to help his mom, but he not let me. And it get to the point he will bickering with me about this, he keeps said his Executive salary is enough to financially care for his mom. I mean it is enough, he makes hella good money.

But I am his wife though Sir, I want to give my inheritance to my husband, by laws he deserve it, he is my next of kin. My brother already go this fair share of half the inheritance as my deceased parents leave equally half to me, and half to my brother.

I just do not know how to change my husband mind. Sometimes I cry about it, but I not let my husband know.

I don't know why my husband hate my inheritance so much. The only logical reason I can think of is when my mother was alive she never accepted him as a son in law. My mother called him a burnt light pole and burn charcoal just because his skin is pitch black skin color. He 100% pure West African.

My husband said it has nothing to do with my mother never accepted him as a son in law. But it has everything to do with he wants to keep my inheritance intact, so if anything happen to him, I will be taking care of by my inheritance.

I'm at loss, can you help me solve this problem in my marriage?