Seven years on, still feel grief on my wife's anniversary

[OneLimeDrake]

Today marks seven years since my wife died.

The initial gnawing to the bone grief has subsided but it comes back on the anniversary of her death.

I feel angry, even though nobody is to blame.

Angry that she died so young at just 30 years of age.

Angry that our 2 daughters, then aged 2 and almost 4, had their mother stolen from them.

Angry that she hasn't been able to watch her children grow.

Angry that we only had eight years together.

Angry that her parents lost their daughter.

Angry that her brother lost the sister that he adored.

Angry that this anger has no target except the universe.

Of course I will not show any of this to our daughters. We will place a wreath on their mum's grave. I will, as I always try to do, answer any questions they have, keeping their mum as part of the family letting them know how much she loved them.

Later on we will meet up with my in-laws and together we will celebrate the life of someone who was torn away from us.

I’m so sorry. All your feelings about this are perfectly justified

It is shit, as an understatement. It’s a huge hole that can’t be filled. Have you looking at therapy or counselling as your kids may pick up on it. Look at Winston wishes. Sorry for what you’re still going through. It’s not fair.

You’re absolutely entitled to feel that way. It’s a terrible loss.

A good friend lost his wife ten years ago and would say similar to you.

I am so very sorry that you lost your wife at such a young age. That sucks.

Your anger is justified on a day, such as the anniversary of her death, when it all of a sudden feels so raw again.

I think the anniversary of a death somehow has the ability to transform us right back to the day that it happened and all those old initial original feelings can resurface. It is a huge reminder of what you have lost, not yourself, but the whole family. So its no wonder you feel the way you do.

I lost my first baby, my son, an hour after he was born, 28 years ago. I have dealt with my grief, I have gone on to have two other children, however, every year after, when the anniversary rolled around, for many years, for some reason I would be transported back to the hospital room where it all happened and it would feel like I was right back there again. All the feelings from that day came flooding back and I would ugly cry for my boy. The rawness I felt on that day was awful. This happened for at least the first 10 years after his loss.

As more years have passed it has lessened, and I now have more control over that raw grief, although it still hurts and I will always grieve for him, the huge emotions that come with that are easier to deal with.

I feel for you but you seem to be doing an amazing job with your girls and keeping their mum in their hearts and their lives. As a Dad you can not do much more.

Do you have anyone you can talk to about your feelings? A close friend? A sibling? Talking and getting your feelings out should help.

It's almost 6 years since my wife died. I am only now really accepting that my life is over. There is no happiness without her. I have tried to 'move on' but I have nothing to move on with. I am hollowed out

I’m so very sorry to you all. Those are all very valid feelings and I’m sorry you have need to have them

Sorry to read this and a virtual hug.

I cannot begin to imagine how deep the hurt of your loss must be.
I do have people I can talk to if needed.
The actual real strength of feeling is waking up and knowing what day it is.
Once the day begins properly then it will become a day to honour my wife's memory and be grateful for the beautiful legacy she left me of our two beautiful daughters.

I think I would feel the same if it had not been for my daughters. Just by existing they helped me with my grief.

I’m so sorry have you had any counselling? My partner is a widow, his wife died 7 years ago, we have been together 18 months he went through the same last year, the anger and after lots of encouragement he did seek help and was diagnosed with PGD (prolonged grief disorder) he had intensive counselling, he thought it wasn’t for him and resisted but ended up meeting men in a similar situation and the support has been a turnaround. Also Andy’s Man club can be very helpful.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your feelings are completely justified. What I have come to accept is that when you lose someone ‘young’, it will always be an awful tragedy in our lives and something terrible that has happened and why I think there is a great deal of anger too. When someone older dies it’s still very sad but it’s not tragic in the same way and doesn’t feel unfair- they haven’t been robbed of living a full life or their children robbed of growing up with their parent. It’s really really bloody awful.

I am so glad you do have support and people you can talk to.

The fact that you can feel grateful for the daughters that she gave you, and that in those children there will always be a piece of her, must be the driving force for you to be the dad she would want you to be.

With anniversaries, I try so hard to look at the positives if I can and not dwell on the bad stuff.

I lost my beautiful Mum suddenly a few years ago and the anger I felt at losing her has slowly been replaced with the sheer utter gratefulness that I had her as MY Mum. That she was mine. I realise how lucky I was to have had the Mum that I did and I now try hard to focus on all the good times and how blessed I was that she was in my life for as long as she was.

It can be hard not to feel broken and bitter by such big losses, but its so important that we try.

Thank you all for your thoughts, and my thoughts are with those who have suffered their own loss.

I hope you managed to get through the day okay yesterday and found some nice ways to honour your wife, with the greatest gift she ever gave you, your children. 🌹